Friday, March 23, 2012

YW/YM Leaders Teach Chastity the "Comfortable" Way

Sister Stockton expounds on chastity.
By Amy Chamberlain

MAGNA, UT—Drawing on inspiration from Spencer W. Kimball, who brought the words “necking and petting” into common LDS usage, Young Women president Linda R. Stockton of the 26th ward in Magna, Utah, has turned to other slang terms from the 1930s. These words, she claims, make lessons on chastity “more comfortable for the leaders.” 

“So many of us older guys and gals just don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about…intimate marital relations …with the words that the kids are using today,” she says. “I say that the girls in my charge don’t need to know the so-called ‘correct’ terms for everything. There’s time enough for that when they’re married.”

Her second counselor, Karla Magleby, agrees. “Kids today are too literal,” she says. “I say that topics such as intimacy are best discussed with metaphors. Using actual terms for, you know, some certain body parts would certainly drive the Spirit away. And if analogies were good enough for my grandparents, they’re good enough for these Generation-Y kids.”

The Young Men leaders gave the idea an enthusiastic thumbs-up, and Young Men President Darnell B. Pritchett mined his childhood memories for “appropriately vague” terms to use when discussing sex with the youth in his ward. 

“You gunsels are going to wanna pitch woo, especially when you’re dizzy with a dame,” Pritchett explained to the youth during a combined chastity fireside. “And if you’re at a swell egg harbor, you may get dingy, especially if you get honey coolers from some sweet patootie. You’ll wanna put your grabbers all over her get-away sticks. Don’t be making that kind of brodie or you’ll be putting your soul in a Chicago overcoat, see?”

The second speaker, Sister Stockton, added her thoughts on how to avoid drugs and alcohol, and how to leave questionable parties: “You cats can enjoy your jolly-ups. Go ahead and get all togged to the bricks. But you should really make tracks if someone tries to slip you a Micky Finn. You can listen to your whacky platters and gobble-pipes and skin ticklers, but stay far away from the rotgut and the snipes—that stuff’s all wet. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t blow your wig. Just give your host the high hat, make for your flivver, and take a powder. Dames, if your butter-and-egg man has already left, get on the blower to your parents. And don’t feel you have to go out every night. Bumping gums with the other twists in your cave? Well, that can be aces too.”

Bishop Larry B. Maynard spoke last, and drew on 1930s railroad stories from his youth to encourage the girls in his ward to stay chaste. “Just because the car knocker comes around your crummy to manhandle your dual control switch doesn’t mean you gotta be a twit,” he cautioned. “You keep that wet smack off your hotbox, even if you have to head to your roundhouse for a bumper. That Joe may very well look like the Big ‘O,’ but he could be a hot-headed tallowpot in disguise. Don’t let any old boomer buckle your rubbers on you, or you’ll be chewing cinders. I guess what I’m trying to say is: when you’re out hauling, always make sure your hogger is up in your crow’s nest and stay away from the hump yard.”

The youth leaders judged the fireside to be a great success. “Ain’t no crumbs ever gonna chisel our dollfaces at their juicy clambakes,” commented Shirley A. Benson, the Personal Progress adviser. “Not now that they got the low-down.”

“Mitt me, kid!” she added, turning to Sister Stockton.

“You shred it, wheat,” said Sister Stockton. They then exchanged a high five.

The youth of the Magna 26th ward could not be reached for comment.


  1. Um, did these people who spoke at this also write that section about the Law of Chastity in the Missionary Discussion in the late 1970's? This is just as obtuse

  2. I laughed out loud on this one! Love the "stay away from the hump yard" line the best!!