Monday, May 31, 2021

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO HOW TO GET YOUR WIFE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

Sex has been filthy since the Fall
It is a very difficult time to be a Mormon man. In the good old days, you could just point at the bed and your dutiful wife would do her wifely duty and lie completely inert while you took care of your urges. Heck, she might have even gotten a kid out of it! Today’s modern Mormon men don’t have the luxuries of the past, so the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Use any or all of those time-tested methods, and you will get sex from a completely numb and disconnected wife.

Properly Understand Sex. David might have killed Goliath, but sex killed David! Since sex is a filthy corruption in this fallen world, men must convince women to do it. Women are, by nature, purer and more holy than men, and that is why they don’t need the priesthood. Women do sex to appease the animal side of men and, as a reward (and punishment), women get children. Keep in mind that you must be the constant and steady gas of the sexual car in order to overcome your wife’s constant braking. If her braking it too strong, sometimes you have to take the direct approach and give it a little (or not so little!) push.

Clean the Garage. Some men are not well suited to the direct approach. That is fine—you have to know who you are. Some men will have more success with cleaning the garage. What I mean by that is that if you do your husbandly duties then she will have to do her wifely duties. It is that simple. Some women just get it. They know that if you are making dinner or washing her car or turning off the tv so that “you can talk,” this means that it is time for her to do her duty. Oh, those inspired women! But some women will need reminders and hints. You may need to make a big deal out of picking up the kids from soccer practice or mowing the lawn so she will know that you expect dutiful and indifferent intercourse that night. You may have to figure out for yourself how to remind her that she is responsible for your sexual needs.

Touch her Heart. Some women don’t respond well to either of the above approaches. Naturally they don’t want sex themselves. The idea that sex could be a gracious giving between loving partners, a chance for play, and opportunity to see and be seen, a gift of genuine growth, and a source of joy goes against how God punished our first parents and how nowadays sex is pornographic exploitation. Women, being more spiritual, understand that sex turns them into objects, and they are okay with that. Sometimes all that they need are reminders that they have all of the power in the relationship, and that if they don’t let you do sex on them, then they make you feel worthless, powerless, small, and ugly. Remind them of how bad she makes you feel. Your reminder is an act of charity, her sensitive nature will be pricked ever so lovingly, and she will recall her grim sexual stewardship.

The Wages of Sin Are Porn. None of us like to tell the innocent ears what I’m about to say, but some women need to be reminded that the only way for men to avoid porn, masturbation, and other excessive behaviors is for women to give men a steady amount of sex. Men’s needs are too powerful for them to control. God gave men these powerful needs to test them and to try them, but women have an important obligation to keep men from porn, masturbation, and other excesses by giving men sex. Women need to know that with great power comes great responsibility, and the wages of them not laying there, closing their eyes, and thinking of Zion is porn.

Use A Therapist/Podcast/Book/Workshop to Change Her. Modern Mormon men also know the value of modern tools to help women be as dutiful as they once were. If she is not giving you enough sex, consider taking her to a therapist, telling her to listen to a podcast or read a book, or taking her to a workshop that will get her to have more sex with you. But keep in mind that they should be gospel-based. They should remind women of their divine nature as pure beings as well as their duties and stewardship. Anything other than obedience is risky at best.

A Word of Warning. “Risky” is an important word here. Sex should not be risky at all. Instead of some vulgar “risky business,” sex should make men feel validated, accepted, and important. Sex is the way she tells you that you are special. You must have that steady, constant, reassuring message. Loyal, faithful, and obedient women also get validation, acceptance, and a sense of importance by miserably succumbing, and, voila, all is well in Zion. 

Some “modern” and “worldly” people, and even Mormons who have fallen under the spell of worldly ideas, claim that sex should be risky in that the two partners can allow themselves to be really seen for who they are. This foolish approach means showing emotional, mental, and spiritual weakness and doubt. It means being honest, taking responsibility for your desires, and focusing on how sex freely allows both of you to create good in the world. This is a bad idea for two reasons—how will your wife respect you if she sees your doubts, insecurities, and failures? How will she always make you feel special, accepted, and important if she has doubts about how special, acceptable, and important you might be? And the second reason is even worse—what if she really sees you and doesn’t like what she sees? Sure, maybe you tricked her in the past, but what might happen if she sees the real you? What if you tell her your desires and fantasies and she’s creeped out by them? No man could ever overcome that sort of rejection. Giving your whole self to her could never be worth that kind of risk and outcome.

If All Else Fails. One final, helpful tip. Just like how the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that Satan controls the water (and that is why missionaries are not allowed to go swimming!), so we can see that Satan controls sex. To limit this destructive force, we have good and pure women in our lives. Heavenly Mother is so pure that prophets have told us over and over again to never talk about her! (Sorry that I wrote that, Heavenly Mother. (oh, wait, sorry again...I’ll stop here.)) Pure wives in Zion are the opposite of the nasty women in porn or in sexy movies. With the helpful tips given above, you can help your wife do her duty, but, if not, remember we live in a fallen world. While the path of sin and repentance is a long and windy one, some men find it helpful to release the pressure of their urges with a quick hookup or two with someone from work, with an old friend they found on social media, with a wild woman, or even with an adventuresome hussy from the ward. The nice thing about these little escapades is that since she’s not your wife, you can do all of the sexy things you’ve always wanted to do. She will probably be up for anything. You can let the fantasies that you would never let pollute your wife’s pure mind run wild with this stranger. You can have her dress up in pioneer clothes, point to the bed, and then experience your crazy crossing-the-plains-in-a-covered-wagon-and-getting-busy-before-the-Indian-attack sexual fantasy with her! This will actually help you stop bothering your wife for sex and can make you cheerful. Suddenly you’ll be cleaning the garage for no reason at all! Some men report that when they stop putting their wife in charge of their sexuality, they feel much less like parasites. The other woman doesn’t care about therapists, podcasts, books, or workshops—she is a fallen and lustful woman who unnaturally seems to enjoy sex just for the sake of having sex. What a tramp! And another bonus is that she doesn’t care about you, so you never need to risk revealing yourself or your hopes, fears, or insecurities with her. This delightful fling will be your little heaven in the absolute emotional and spiritual hell you will create.

Modern Mormon man, use these tips, and this can be a great time to be you!

Monday, January 18, 2021

FAMILY DRAFTS POST-MORTAL VISITATION SCHEDULE FOR UNCLE CARL IN HIS LOWER DEGREE OF GLORY

Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left
Highland, UT—It all started with Paistyn Healey and her family’s discussion of the plan of salvation. As Paistyn’s father Daniel explained that, in addition to the Celestial Kingdom, there were two other, lower degrees of glory, Paistyn asked what made someone miss out on living with God and their family forever and instead being consigned to a place either moon-like or star-like in its dimness. Paistyn’s father mentioned common shortcomings that would disqualify one from Celestial glory. Brother Healey could see that his curious eight-year-old still did not understand. At that point, Paistyn’s older brother Tayverson blurted out, “you know, people like Uncle Carl.” The light of understanding glowed on Paistyn’s face in spite of her parents feeble, half-hearted attempts to suggest that perhaps Carl might still be Celestial.

Only a few days later, when her mother was looking at the week’s dinner menu, the kind-hearted Paistyn asked her if Uncle Carl would be lonely in his vastly inferior and eternal abode. When she tried to reassure her daughter that Uncle Carl would feel comfortable with other people like him, Paistyn was not consoled. After several more questions about Uncle Carl’s everlasting disappointment, sorrow, and isolation, Sister Healey told her daughter that they could make a schedule for when members of the family would descend from their Celestial heights to check in on Uncle Carl. This put a smile on Paistyn’s face, and soon her brothers Thryson, Ringer, and Smyth as well as sisters Jaxx and Tamrytha√§l were all on board.

As news of the schedule spread to other Healeys, including Uncle Carl’s two sons, many other family members requested that their names be added to the Excel spreadsheet. At press time, more than twenty-two family members have agreed to spend at least 10 minutes every one hundred years with Uncle Carl, time which doubtlessly will be like cool drops of water on his parched spiritual tongue. When cousin Sean asked that his name be added to the rotation, Daniel Healey smiled and made the addition, though most in the family quietly but firmly believe cousin Sean will probably be with Uncle Carl already. Some suspect that Uncle Carl might be going down to visit cousin Sean.