Monday, January 28, 2013


FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In order to motivate themselves, the presidency of the Flagstaff 5th ward has a secret Fantasy Home Teacher league.  According to the quorum president David Green, “we starting doing the league just after we were called in early 2012 and it sort of helps us to keep better quorum statistics, stay motivated, compete against each other, and trash talk while doing our callings.”

President Green came up with the idea, and quorum secretary, Jeremy Lynch, who has some computer programming skills, set up the electronic league.  “Yah, we can make roster changes and everything, thanks to Lynch,” reported second counselor Daniel Utley.  “Last month,” continued Utley, “I benched (home teaching companions) Rust and York, and that turned out to be brilliant.  They didn’t do a thing!” 

The league has had several modifications since its inception.  “What we do now,” explained first counselor Greg Sherwood, “is that you have to do the home teaching interviews for your team, that way you know who home taught and who didn’t.  And of course, you make sure to do those interviews and to let them know that there is a warm place in hell for someone who just makes a call or tries to count posting something on Facebook as a visit.” 

Another early change was the Presidency Multiplier or “PM.”  “(President David) Green came up with the PM, which means that if a member of the presidency visits all of his families, he gets one point, but if he doesn’t, he gets zero points.  His team points are multiplied by that total, so he gets no points if he doesn’t do his visits,” explained Brother Utley.  Utley added, “so, yah, I’m usually done by the 10th, at the latest.” 

“We have tried all sorts of strategies,” remarked Lynch.  “I drafted a newly returned missionary and put him with a guy on my bench, but that only paid off for three months, and then he went back to the Czech Republic to marry some girl he had baptized.”  When asked about his companion, Lynch lamented that “he went right back to the bench,” adding, that “he is sort of the Mark Sanchez of home teachers.”

When asked why the presidency was willing to go on the record about their secret league, they laughingly remarked that “nobody reads blogs” and that “the only way it could reach fewer people is if it were published in an academic journal or part of the privacy statement for the church’s scripture app.”

Monday, January 21, 2013


Even Before Fall, Satan Close to NRA
GEHENNA—A series of internal emails reveals that even Lucifer is reconsidering his support for the National Rifle Association. In these emails, obtained by The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, several advisors close to the Prince of Darkness stated that “the Father of All Lies naturally supports [the NRA’s] goals, but we are into evil, not *** **** [guano] crazy.”

The emails did not include proper names, and so far efforts to pinpoint exactly who the correspondents might be have been futile.  Two key writers on the issue include one identified only as “His Great Shining-Headed Dark Lord Rove” and one called “His Seething Evilness LaPierre.”

Those emails typically praised the organization’s high accomplishments among Mormons, including “paranoia, the fear of different ideas, strife, and the linking of free agency with the right to carry an assault rifle” as well as foisting on Mormons “the principle of storing wheat and storing ammunition.”  Also praised was the NRA’s “commendable duplicity,” “perverse approach to logic,” and deployment of those with “Mitt-like hair.” 

In spite of this praise, the emails expressed grave concerns, the most important of which was the violation of “The Beelzebub Standard.”  As described in the emails, this standard, known simply as “The BS,” sets limits on how far one can lie without risking a complete loss of credibility. In a particularly pointed missive, one assistant to the Devil said that “saying that the NRA is trying to make people safe” goes far beyond the “limits set by The BS.”  The writer clarified that the most egregious lies permitted by “The BS” include “Assad is the President of Just and Comprehensive Peace,” “Glitter is the feel-good movie of the summer,” and “Utah is beautiful.”  

Monday, January 14, 2013


Even our first parents saw the piano as important
SANDY, UT—The Milton family’s recent piano purchase has finally made them into real Mormons.

Howard Milton reports that he was helping the Moore’s load the moving truck when he overheard an argument between Bruce and Julia Moore.

The conversation became rather heated, with Julia Moore insisting that moving to “Babylon” (Tacoma, Washington) without the spiritual protection of a piano would wreak long-term social and spiritual havoc on their family.

“For example,” Howard remembered, “she wouldn’t be able to teach piano lessons anymore and would probably have to find work outside the home, destroying the lives of their children and opening the door to the very real possibility of being seduced by her boss.” 

“But she was especially worried about where they’d put the family pictures,” he said.

But the fact was, there was no room for the piano in the moving van. “I just happened to be there with a hundred bucks in my wallet,” said Milton. “And Bruce promised Julia that if their family started to go downhill too fast, he’d buy her a new piano and a bonus flute.”

Sister Jan Milton is thrilled with the purchase.  “Oh, that brown upright matches my framed cross-stitch of the Proclamation perfectly,” she exclaimed. She also noted that Family Home Evening was 54 percent more spiritual this Monday and that she has been receiving much more inspiration when comparing her Book of Mormon studies with Fox News reports.

“This is what it feels like to be a real Mormon!” she squealed delightedly. She looks forward to listening to her seven children practice hymns, and is already working on a massive doily for the top of the piano.

The Moore family has not been heard from since their move.

Monday, January 7, 2013


Note: This article is part of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer’s ongoing “Out of the Best Books” series, where we look at the impact of literature and the arts on Mormon life, practice, and spirituality.

How President Hirsh pictures
himself when addressing elders
TULSA, OK—David Hirsch, Elders Quorum president in the Tulsa 3rd ward and student at the University of Tulsa, has reportedly found tremendous leadership inspiration from his reading of Machiavelli’s The Prince.  

Hirsch (25), who encountered the text in his undergraduate World Literature course, stated that “the idea that it is better to be feared than loved has completely changed how I lead my quorum, especially how I conduct weekly priesthood interviews.”  President Hirsch continued that “we had good results before, but ever since I have started giving the monthly stewardship reports during my testimony on the first Sunday and have convinced [the elders in the quorum] that I can cancel their temple marriages, the numbers have just skyrocketed.”  

These are not the only changes that reading the Renaissance political thinker has brought about for Hirsch.  “I used to be pretty casual about things, too casual I guess,” explained Hirsch.  Hirsch elaborated that “I used to occasionally wear a colored shirt to church, sometimes just khaki pants and a tie.  But what Machiavelli said about the importance of how people perceive you has totally changed that. Now, everywhere I go I look and sound like an apostle in the priesthood session who could totally call you out on porn at any moment.”