Monday, August 31, 2020


You can almost feel the holy just looking at it

Salt Lake City, UT—Among the recent updates to the church’s General Handbook is a provision that allows priesthood holders to anoint the sick with Chick-fil-A sauce.

“We simply want to expand the repertoire of holy substances that can be used to heal the sick,” said church spokesperson Daniel Fuller. Fuller continued that “we’ve all been caught, from time-to-time, without consecrated oil, but I know my van has at least four packs of Chick-fil-A sauce in it right now.”

Fuller said that the “healing powers of Chick-fil-A’s signature sauce have long been respected by both church leaders at the highest levels and members at large. This policy simply acknowledges what is patently obvious.”

Asked about any possible differences in administration, Fuller noted that the handbook makes it clear that, with Chick-fil-A sauce, “when anointing an individual wearing a toupee, the artificial surface should be discreetly shifted or removed to allow the healing sauce to come in direct contact with the scalp of the infirmed.”

Fuller did acknowledge that “questions remain about the spiritual efficacy of Polynesian, Honey Mustard, and Zesty Buffalo sauce.” Said Fuller, “we are awaiting further light and knowledge about those sauces.”