Monday, May 27, 2013


Guess Which London Celestial Room Couch 
Will Miss the Big Couch Tournament Again 
LONDON--A white couch, currently a fixture in the celestial room in the London temple, seems to be at risk of relegation to a lower level church foyer. After many years at what all furniture considers the highest league, so to speak, the sofa finds itself struggling to keep its place. Given the very real relegation possibilities, perhaps to ward buildings in Reading, Wigan, and near Queen's Park, some of the couch’s cushions are hoping to get picked up as loans to couches that do not face relegation.

Monday, May 20, 2013


Copy of Preach My Gospel 

PROVO, UT—Okay, so I know that missionaries are young and may not have been paying attention in seminary or church, but, as a copy of Preach My Gospel, I cannot believe how little Sister Katherine Lawrence knows about missionary work and the church in general.

Sister Lawrence got me when she first day she came to the MTC, but right off I could see that she didn’t know very much. Page vii is my introduction. The first note she wrote was “where can I get a copy of Preach My Gospel?” She crossed that out once her companion explained that the picture on the page was the cover of the book she was reading.

It didn’t get any better on the next page. This page features a diagram with a family at the center. On a page that explains the role of personal study and learning, Sister Lawrence’s only study note is “that boy is kinda cute.” Page 2 features an artist’s rendition of Lehi’s dream with a brilliant depiction of the Tree of Life. Sister Lawrence makes this note about it: “I bet this is where Christmas trees come from.” On page 6 she wrote, “ask companion what Restoration means,” and on page 12 she wrote, “ask her who all of these presidents are.”

I have a great section explaining studying and preparing to teach lessons that goes from pages 19 to 21, and Sister Lawrence’s only comment is: “I’m sure my companion will know how to do all this and when the time is right I will just give my heartfelt testimony!” In fact, in several places her only comment is “or just give a heartfelt testimony.” She seems to think that a heartfelt testimony is a magic wand that she can just wave over any situation and whatever she wants to happen will happen.

In other sections, well, it is pretty appalling. On page 46, which gives a list of other key religious figures who were inspired by God, next to Mohammed Sister Lawrence wrote: “caused 9/11,” next to Confucius she wrote: “name says it all,” and next to Buddha she wrote: “Fat.” The entire section on Finding People has only two study notes. One says, “the pure in heart will find me,” and the second says “most wards have some wierdos who give the missionaries people to teach.”

Heaven help both of us.

Note: This report is an homage to an article published in The Onion dealing with: “Copy Of “The Scarlet Letter” Can't Believe The Notes High Schooler Writing In Margins”

Monday, May 13, 2013


SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Deseret Legal recently announced new options for those seeking the increasingly popular prenuptial agreements for their temple marriage.  “With temple marriages almost as vulnerable as any marriage,” said Deseret Legal spokesperson Denise Hughes, “saints want to protect themselves just in case their eternal marriage isn’t quite as eternal as they had hoped.”

“Many individuals worry about child custody,” said Hughes, “so we offer options, including a pre-marriage agreement that will guarantee full primary custody of all children with the exception of crying babies, surly teenagers, or any offspring with the propensity to projectile vomit on the carpet.” Deseret Legal calls this option PCGO, or “Primary Custody of the Good Ones.” Hughes went on to explain that this even requires that the other spouse “take any children resulting from the ill-fated union to Bishops, Branch Presidents, Stake Presidents, Area Authorities, pastors, rabbis, therapists, law enforcement officials, parole officers, rehab counselors, or dentists when the need presents itself.”

It is not just custody issues that Deseret Legal has in its new prenup options. “Many young people, women especially,” expounded Hughes, “worry about the possibility of ever getting married again if the marriage they are currently planning fails.”  It is for these people that Deseret Legal has developed the Guaranteed Post-matrimonial Sexual Status clause or GPSS.  According to Hughes, “the GPSS means that a young woman can know that her official post-matrimonial sexual status will be the legally binding and universally recognized status as ‘Unlicked Cupcake, Unchewed Gum, and Still Fresh-as-Spring Flower’ no matter what.”  Hughes added that “this puts so many young female minds and hearts at ease.”  When asked about male options, Hughes said that the GPSS offered in male prenuptial agreements is ‘May Now Have Somewhat of a Clue As to What He’s Doing’.”

Updates have also been made in the fault areas of these agreements.  Fault areas include parts of the contract that give one spouse greater property or financial compensation if the other spouse is found to be at fault.  Spouses can now get a much larger share of the marital assets if the other spouse “becomes involved in Essential Oils, supplement companies, colonic treatments, and any multi-level marketing businesses or general snake oil crap.”

Some of the fault clauses are gender-specific.  Contracts can stipulate the husbands are entitled to more if the wife “hung around church on Sundays talking to the most annoying people after the contractually agreed upon 45 minutes” or if she “failed to complete/nag until completion of any Eagle Scout projects.”  Women can get a larger settlement if it can be proved that the husband “consistently wore colored shirts to church,” “just had the kids watch videos on his phone instead of really working with them,” or “allowed his eyes to linger too long on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover.”  Said one engaged woman, “just knowing that if he so much as notices some half-naked actress on the cover of GQ means that I can have the house, the boat, and two thirds of his retirement reassures me that I can make this marriage work. Or not.”

Monday, May 6, 2013


ROMULUS, MI—Producing a long list of offenses, Brother David Roberts met with reporters to explain why he recently cut off his right hand. “Well, let me just go through the offenses that my right hand has done to me,” explained Roberts, “and it should be clear that every one of you would have cut it off and cast it out.”

Roberts’ list of offenses began way back in elementary school.  Roberts noted how his hand had, against his will, “waved at Cindy Warner even though my best friend Greg, who liked Cindy all during third grade, was standing right there.” Roberts indicated that “it was then, back in fourth grade, that I knew that that right hand was going to be trouble.”

According to Roberts, the conflicts continued as the years passed. Listed along with the “Waving at Warner” affair were instances of inadvertent nose picking in highly public places, going up in the air with Roberts being unable to answer the question, and slipping too low while slow dancing.  “These acts of treachery might not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, they caused me and the entire body lots and lots of problems,” stated Roberts.

“After a while, well, the betrayal had to stop,” said Roberts categorically. “How long can you let it pick up the wrong groceries, click the wrong links on the internet, and push buttons on the tv remote control when you really want to sleep before doing something about it!”

Roberts went on to show how his scripture reading had helped him deal with the terrible impact of his RRHS (Rebellious Right Hand Syndrome). “Once I saw it was RRHS, it became clear to me what was really holding me back spiritually,” expounded  Roberts. “I mean, I could be Bishop by now if my right hand would have been as obedient as my left.”

To demonstrate what finally helped Roberts apply the scriptural injunction, he produced a rather blurry photograph of himself dressed almost completely in blue and yellow. “As you can see here,” stated Roberts, “I’m about the world’s biggest Michigan fan. See, I’m all maize and blue.” Roberts then pointed, with his left hand, to his right hand in the picture, which was clearly green, saying, “and there you see it—the right hand had painted itself as green as Michigan State’s Sparty himself.  I had caught it red handed, so to speak, and I knew then and there that I had to eliminate the little Judas,” Roberts concluded emphatically, pounding his remaining hand on the table. 

As the news conference ended, Roberts made one more threat: “Oh, and right eye--don't think we haven't been noticing you! You saw what happened to the hand on your side, you know, with stumpy, so let that be a warning.”