Monday, May 2, 2022


The great jazz musician Miles Davis is reported to have said, “When you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note that you play that determines if it’s good or bad.” The next note can make the situation worse, or it can make what seemed like a wrong note sound right. This is true for music, and it is double true when you are telling your family that you are leaving the church. After the initial, “I’m leaving” or “I have left the church,” what comes next can make all of the difference. Say the right thing, and you can smooth your path with your family out of the church. Botch this and no matter what you say they will take it as someone screaming how great tea tastes from the great and spacious building. So, like a well-cleared path out of Mormonism (and you can say that now), here is the Mormon (or maybe Exmormon) Tabernacle Enquirer guide to follow-up statements after telling your family that you are leaving the church.  

Monday, March 7, 2022


The Wildly Popular
though Now Discontinued Manual
Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never Coming Back!”

“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that, later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’ tune “Hotel California.”

The manual also suggested games that proved very popular over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament prayers.”

Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching. In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother. In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the mothers so that the kids could never find their match.  

Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!”

“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.”

Monday, February 21, 2022


Early Concept for a Program Logo
Salt Lake City, UT—At a morning press conference broadcast from Church headquarters, spokesperson Hillary Markeson announced the new LDS Plus program. “We are very excited,” said Markeson, “about how this program will give unprecedented access and freedom for those who value their membership enough to pitch in a little more to build the kingdom.” Markeson followed up that “for a mere one percent more in one’s annual tithing donations, members will get VIS treatment.” When asked if she meant “VIP,” Markeson clarified that no, “VIS” means “Very Important Saint.”

The bulk of the press conference was given over to describing the program’s “many temporal and spiritual benefits.” LDS Plus members would get, according to Markeson, priority sacrament delivery. Asked to clarify that, Markeson explained that special, “extra worthy” deacons would pass the sacrament to LDS Plus members immediately after the meeting’s presiding authority. 

When reporters asked Markeson if Plus members would finally be able to reserve seats that they or their families sit in every Sunday, Markeson promised that this option would be coming in late 2022 or early 2023. She said that church building authorities were still working on a system that would keep people, often visitors or new members, from sitting where some members always sit. Markeson elaborated that “we’re still working on an Interloper Removal System involving several small, discreet tasers.”

Besides priority sacrament delivery, LDS Plus members would get access to any non-Elders-Quorum-sanctioned-but-with-all-of-the-cool-brothers fantasy sports leagues. “Everyone wants to be included,” said Markeson “and no man wants to feel left out during sacrament meeting when someone whispers to a disappointed male friend that his running back just got him 11 points.”

Markeson’s LDS Plus presentation crescendoed with the program’s final two benefits. The first was “a lower threshold of acceptance into the church educational welfare program that is Brigham Young University’s three campuses.” Revised categorization would give LDS Plus members advantages in getting into BYU. LDS Plus members in Utah would have the advantage of being classified as “Non-Utahn, living in some heathen place like the Dakotas or the entire East Coast.” Female LDS Plus members applying from east of the Mississippi would be classified as “males who need BYU to not screw up their lives.” Male LDS Plus members from that same region would be flagged as “We have to get some guys into BYU so that women can find husbands.”

The program’s final benefit is the Temple Recommend Slide By. This LDS Plus benefit allows members to “take a pass on up to two temple recommend questions.” Markeson reported that “this will be a huge benefit to Plus members who like a discreet morning coffee but still want to attend a niece, nephew or even their own child’s temple sealing.”

Reporters who had heard rumors about the LDS Plus program noticed one much anticipated benefit that was not mentioned. Markeson responded to their question this way: “Yes, later this year we will be rolling out the LDS Premium Plus program, and yes, I can tell you now that that program will guarantee that members will get the most coveted church calling—the one with an important sounding title but where you don’t have to do anything—Counselor in the Stake Sunday School Presidency.”

Monday, May 31, 2021


Sex has been filthy since the Fall
It is a very difficult time to be a Mormon man. In the good old days, you could just point at the bed and your dutiful wife would do her wifely duty and lie completely inert while you took care of your urges. Heck, she might have even gotten a kid out of it! Today’s modern Mormon men don’t have the luxuries of the past, so the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Use any or all of those time-tested methods, and you will get sex from a completely numb and disconnected wife.

Properly Understand Sex. David might have killed Goliath, but sex killed David! Since sex is a filthy corruption in this fallen world, men must convince women to do it. Women are, by nature, purer and more holy than men, and that is why they don’t need the priesthood. Women do sex to appease the animal side of men and, as a reward (and punishment), women get children. Keep in mind that you must be the constant and steady gas of the sexual car in order to overcome your wife’s constant braking. If her braking it too strong, sometimes you have to take the direct approach and give it a little (or not so little!) push.

Clean the Garage. Some men are not well suited to the direct approach. That is fine—you have to know who you are. Some men will have more success with cleaning the garage. What I mean by that is that if you do your husbandly duties then she will have to do her wifely duties. It is that simple. Some women just get it. They know that if you are making dinner or washing her car or turning off the tv so that “you can talk,” this means that it is time for her to do her duty. Oh, those inspired women! But some women will need reminders and hints. You may need to make a big deal out of picking up the kids from soccer practice or mowing the lawn so she will know that you expect dutiful and indifferent intercourse that night. You may have to figure out for yourself how to remind her that she is responsible for your sexual needs.

Touch her Heart. Some women don’t respond well to either of the above approaches. Naturally they don’t want sex themselves. The idea that sex could be a gracious giving between loving partners, a chance for play, and opportunity to see and be seen, a gift of genuine growth, and a source of joy goes against how God punished our first parents and how nowadays sex is pornographic exploitation. Women, being more spiritual, understand that sex turns them into objects, and they are okay with that. Sometimes all that they need are reminders that they have all of the power in the relationship, and that if they don’t let you do sex on them, then they make you feel worthless, powerless, small, and ugly. Remind them of how bad she makes you feel. Your reminder is an act of charity, her sensitive nature will be pricked ever so lovingly, and she will recall her grim sexual stewardship.

The Wages of Sin Are Porn. None of us like to tell the innocent ears what I’m about to say, but some women need to be reminded that the only way for men to avoid porn, masturbation, and other excessive behaviors is for women to give men a steady amount of sex. Men’s needs are too powerful for them to control. God gave men these powerful needs to test them and to try them, but women have an important obligation to keep men from porn, masturbation, and other excesses by giving men sex. Women need to know that with great power comes great responsibility, and the wages of them not laying there, closing their eyes, and thinking of Zion is porn.

Use A Therapist/Podcast/Book/Workshop to Change Her. Modern Mormon men also know the value of modern tools to help women be as dutiful as they once were. If she is not giving you enough sex, consider taking her to a therapist, telling her to listen to a podcast or read a book, or taking her to a workshop that will get her to have more sex with you. But keep in mind that they should be gospel-based. They should remind women of their divine nature as pure beings as well as their duties and stewardship. Anything other than obedience is risky at best.

A Word of Warning. “Risky” is an important word here. Sex should not be risky at all. Instead of some vulgar “risky business,” sex should make men feel validated, accepted, and important. Sex is the way she tells you that you are special. You must have that steady, constant, reassuring message. Loyal, faithful, and obedient women also get validation, acceptance, and a sense of importance by miserably succumbing, and, voila, all is well in Zion. 

Some “modern” and “worldly” people, and even Mormons who have fallen under the spell of worldly ideas, claim that sex should be risky in that the two partners can allow themselves to be really seen for who they are. This foolish approach means showing emotional, mental, and spiritual weakness and doubt. It means being honest, taking responsibility for your desires, and focusing on how sex freely allows both of you to create good in the world. This is a bad idea for two reasons—how will your wife respect you if she sees your doubts, insecurities, and failures? How will she always make you feel special, accepted, and important if she has doubts about how special, acceptable, and important you might be? And the second reason is even worse—what if she really sees you and doesn’t like what she sees? Sure, maybe you tricked her in the past, but what might happen if she sees the real you? What if you tell her your desires and fantasies and she’s creeped out by them? No man could ever overcome that sort of rejection. Giving your whole self to her could never be worth that kind of risk and outcome.

If All Else Fails. One final, helpful tip. Just like how the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that Satan controls the water (and that is why missionaries are not allowed to go swimming!), so we can see that Satan controls sex. To limit this destructive force, we have good and pure women in our lives. Heavenly Mother is so pure that prophets have told us over and over again to never talk about her! (Sorry that I wrote that, Heavenly Mother. (oh, wait, sorry again...I’ll stop here.)) Pure wives in Zion are the opposite of the nasty women in porn or in sexy movies. With the helpful tips given above, you can help your wife do her duty, but, if not, remember we live in a fallen world. While the path of sin and repentance is a long and windy one, some men find it helpful to release the pressure of their urges with a quick hookup or two with someone from work, with an old friend they found on social media, with a wild woman, or even with an adventuresome hussy from the ward. The nice thing about these little escapades is that since she’s not your wife, you can do all of the sexy things you’ve always wanted to do. She will probably be up for anything. You can let the fantasies that you would never let pollute your wife’s pure mind run wild with this stranger. You can have her dress up in pioneer clothes, point to the bed, and then experience your crazy crossing-the-plains-in-a-covered-wagon-and-getting-busy-before-the-Indian-attack sexual fantasy with her! This will actually help you stop bothering your wife for sex and can make you cheerful. Suddenly you’ll be cleaning the garage for no reason at all! Some men report that when they stop putting their wife in charge of their sexuality, they feel much less like parasites. The other woman doesn’t care about therapists, podcasts, books, or workshops—she is a fallen and lustful woman who unnaturally seems to enjoy sex just for the sake of having sex. What a tramp! And another bonus is that she doesn’t care about you, so you never need to risk revealing yourself or your hopes, fears, or insecurities with her. This delightful fling will be your little heaven in the absolute emotional and spiritual hell you will create.

Modern Mormon man, use these tips, and this can be a great time to be you!

Monday, January 18, 2021


Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left
Highland, UT—It all started with Paistyn Healey and her family’s discussion of the plan of salvation. As Paistyn’s father Daniel explained that, in addition to the Celestial Kingdom, there were two other, lower degrees of glory, Paistyn asked what made someone miss out on living with God and their family forever and instead being consigned to a place either moon-like or star-like in its dimness. Paistyn’s father mentioned common shortcomings that would disqualify one from Celestial glory. Brother Healey could see that his curious eight-year-old still did not understand. At that point, Paistyn’s older brother Tayverson blurted out, “you know, people like Uncle Carl.” The light of understanding glowed on Paistyn’s face in spite of her parents feeble, half-hearted attempts to suggest that perhaps Carl might still be Celestial.

Only a few days later, when her mother was looking at the week’s dinner menu, the kind-hearted Paistyn asked her if Uncle Carl would be lonely in his vastly inferior and eternal abode. When she tried to reassure her daughter that Uncle Carl would feel comfortable with other people like him, Paistyn was not consoled. After several more questions about Uncle Carl’s everlasting disappointment, sorrow, and isolation, Sister Healey told her daughter that they could make a schedule for when members of the family would descend from their Celestial heights to check in on Uncle Carl. This put a smile on Paistyn’s face, and soon her brothers Thryson, Ringer, and Smyth as well as sisters Jaxx and Tamrytha√§l were all on board.

As news of the schedule spread to other Healeys, including Uncle Carl’s two sons, many other family members requested that their names be added to the Excel spreadsheet. At press time, more than twenty-two family members have agreed to spend at least 10 minutes every one hundred years with Uncle Carl, time which doubtlessly will be like cool drops of water on his parched spiritual tongue. When cousin Sean asked that his name be added to the rotation, Daniel Healey smiled and made the addition, though most in the family quietly but firmly believe cousin Sean will probably be with Uncle Carl already. Some suspect that Uncle Carl might be going down to visit cousin Sean.

Monday, August 31, 2020


You can almost feel the holy just looking at it

Salt Lake City, UT—Among the recent updates to the church’s General Handbook is a provision that allows priesthood holders to anoint the sick with Chick-fil-A sauce.

“We simply want to expand the repertoire of holy substances that can be used to heal the sick,” said church spokesperson Daniel Fuller. Fuller continued that “we’ve all been caught, from time-to-time, without consecrated oil, but I know my van has at least four packs of Chick-fil-A sauce in it right now.”

Fuller said that the “healing powers of Chick-fil-A’s signature sauce have long been respected by both church leaders at the highest levels and members at large. This policy simply acknowledges what is patently obvious.”

Asked about any possible differences in administration, Fuller noted that the handbook makes it clear that, with Chick-fil-A sauce, “when anointing an individual wearing a toupee, the artificial surface should be discreetly shifted or removed to allow the healing sauce to come in direct contact with the scalp of the infirmed.”

Fuller did acknowledge that “questions remain about the spiritual efficacy of Polynesian, Honey Mustard, and Zesty Buffalo sauce.” Said Fuller, “we are awaiting further light and knowledge about those sauces.”

Monday, May 7, 2018


Deepest, Truest Reason to Share Gospel:
So Families Can Be Sealed Eternally

Akron, OH—A recent visit by a member of the Ninth Quorum of the Seventy provided stake conference goers in the Akron Ohio stake with a powerful lesson on how to not lead a church discussion.

“It was really life-changing instruction,” said Samantha Craig, “I mean, I took careful notes because he made just about every mistake imaginable!”

Sister Craig and others explained that Brother Todd Jenkinson’s youth fireside, stake leadership meeting, and adult session of stake conference featured what were meant to be gospel discussions with the audience. “I’m sure he’s a good, inspired man,” said Craig, “but when you start a youth fireside by saying that you didn’t prepare anything and you’re just going to rely upon the Spirit, well, you had better bring some great Spirit or those kids are just gonna tune you out.”

Most in attendance acknowledge that Brother Jenkinson failed to bring “some great Spirit” to that meeting, and many of his young audience did indeed tune out. What added to the awkwardness were when Brother Jenkinson called the youth out for being on their phones, but his efforts to seem fun and playful failed to mask his genuine annoyance.  

Another mistake Craig and others noticed was Brother Jenkinson’s habit of asking what seemed like open questions, but for which he clearly had very specific answers in mind. At one point, Brother Jenkinson asked the youth, “what is the most important reason why we share the gospel with our friends?” One bright, cheerful young woman shot up her hand, was called on, and replied, “so that they can avoid the dangers and evils of the world around us.” Brother Jenkinson told her that that is a good reason, “but there is an even deeper reason why we share the gospel.” Another youth replied that it is “so others can have Christ’s blessings.” Again Brother Jenkinson acknowledge that that is an important reason, but then directed the youth to a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants. After reading about eternal blessings, Brother Jenkinson clarified that the “real, deep, scriptural reason” why we share the gospel is so that those around us “can one day go to the temple and be sealed as families.”

“Um, okay, I guess that is true,” said youth participant Alma Campbell, “but those other reasons seemed good too, but, um, I guess they are not as right....”

In addition to using what seem like open questions to play what we could call the “Guess What I’m Thinking” game, Brother Jenkinson also had a habit of uncomfortably “restating” what some speakers meant. In the stake leadership meeting, when discussing how to minister to ward members, one member said that “we minister by loving members for who they are,” to which Brother Jenkinson said, “and by that you mean we love them for what they can be and what the Lord wants them to be.” Another member said that “I try to be patient yet reliable,” to which Brother Jenkinson said, “what this dear brother means by that is that we are loving enough to know when to not take no for an answer.” While this seemed to get to the points Brother Jenkinson saw as important, it left many participants more than a little uncomfortable.

Another common technique was “careful” scripture analysis to get at the points Brother Jenkinson wanted to make. After studying a scripture from the Old Testament, Brother Jenkinson asked members of the stake presidency what it meant. When all three failed to make the imaginative connection Jenkinson had in mind, another member, with plenty of prompting from the visiting Authority, noted how the flying serpents symbolize the fear and discouragement that get in the way of “true ministering.” Brother Jenkinson praised the member who made the comment, following that praise up with a joke about the relative spiritual insight of stake members in contrast with the stake presidency. It was an awkward attempt at humor that largely fell flat.

While many members found some inspiration in Brother Jenkinson’s “discussions,” others found them quite frustrating. Still, members like Samantha Craig felt very inspired. “It isn’t every meeting,” said Craig, “where you see a leader make almost every possible mistake, you know, bringing them all together so you can see them, remember them, and avoid them.” 

Craig concluded, “it is amazing how the Lord uses His chosen vessels!”

Monday, April 30, 2018


Salt Lake City, UT—In an unexpected press conference, God clarified that He actually does love everyone including an unnamed local masturbater.

“I find it odd that some are so surprised,” said He who created Heaven and Earth “that I can find it in Me to love someone who rather regularly masturbates, but yep, I can!”

The announcement seems to have been made to set the record straight on how God loves all of God’s children. God further elaborated that “some seem to believe that some sin or any sin disqualifies one from feeling loved or even having My Spirit with them, but nope—you can make mistakes and still be loved and Spiritually encouraged.”

A reporter on hand posed a question on many people’s minds—isn’t sexual sin like masturbation close to murder? In typical quiet majesty, God replied that murder robs another of his or her chance to live and choose, and murder puts in human hands what God wants to control—when His children leave mortality. The Father of All said that while rape might come close to murder, self-stimulation to orgasm or even consensual sex with another “are very far from the soul-destroying power of murder.”

When asked about scriptures that connect sexual sin and murder, God encouraged all present to think about how Alma had once gone about trying to destroy the spirits of others by leading them from the gospel, and that that is what he was warning his son Corianton about. “Of course sexual sin is like murder,” said God, “but only when those sins kill souls and take others away from Me, but masturbation doesn’t do that.”

When asked why He was taking time to say this now, God said that “I have too many of my children feeling too much shame, guilt, and sorrow over this,” and “it just seems like you are ready for us to get past the Victorians and to place this habit within its proper context.”

When asked what He meant by “proper context,” God explained that, “well, think about it—if the only sin committed by all of my children was masturbation, what kind of world would this be?” Answering His own question, He said “no more spouse abuse or child abuse, no more wars, terrorism, robberies, fraud, political corruption, or systematic exploitation of the poor and vulnerable.”

Still seemingly confused, one reporter asked, “yah, but doesn’t masturbation lead to serious sexual sin, sex addiction, prostitution, sexual deviance, pedophilia, and the promotion of pornography?” To this question God responded that “how worried would you be that a small child who told a lie would get involved in massive fraud or embezzling or how worried would you be that a nursery-age child who hit or bit another child would grow up to be a murderer?” God then continued, “yes, bad behavior can lead to other bad behavior, but please don’t assume that one mistake or even habit is a slippery slope that always leads to a terrible, terrible pit.”

Toward the conclusion of the press conference, God revealed that “Me and Your Heavenly Mother want you to love and cherish your bodies, and We want you to use them in ways that are consistent with your values, but hey, as you are learning about your bodies, don’t let your mistakes or weakness fool you into thinking We don’t love you.” 

“The worst,” interjected Heavenly Mother, “is when you feel so much guilt and shame that you don’t talk to Us, because I cannot tell you how much your Heavenly Father and I love to hear your voices!”

Monday, April 16, 2018


Salt Lake City, UT—The church has quietly started requesting what it calls at “wedding offering” in the form of a “modest temple marriage fee.” When couples have been calling various temples to request times for sealings, they have been asked if they would like to “give something back to the Lord” as a way to show gratitude “for the blessing of eternal marriage.”
Insiders Reassure Everyone that
Fresno will Always Be Free

“I was kind of surprised,” said Kaitlynn Parkins, a BYU student who recently got engaged to Coldyn Lober. Sister Parkins explained that “the woman at the temple asked if we would like to make a temple offering, but I had never heard of that.” After it was explained to her, Parkins said that “she’d have to check with her parents about that.”

At present, it seems that only the more historic or photogenic temples are making the request. Workers at the Salt Lake temple, for example, recommend an offering “between $70 and $90.” One recently engaged couple was told to “take ten percent of what you are spending on the wedding, and offer that back to the temple, to show God how much the temple means to you.”

While reports have come in that the Salt Lake, Logan, San Diego, Washington DC, and Provo City temples may require the few by year’s end, other temples do not anticipate such a fee requirement. As one church insider told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, “I’d say that any temple that would fit into the baptistery of the Jordan River temple, you know, like your Raleigh North Carolina or Columbia South Carolina temple, will not even mention the possible donation.”

There are also reports that couples with higher long-range earning potential may be pressed to offer more. A second church insider mentioned lists of BYU Business and Finance majors who, if they request temple sealings, “would be encourage to offer back to God what their God-given gifts will help them earn in the long-run.” In contrast, Humanities, Anthropology/Folklore, Early Childhood Education, and Social Work majors are quietly being told that not only does the Lord not request any more “widow’s mites” from them, but that the day may soon come when they will be permitted to pay tithing at 6 or even 5.5%.

Monday, February 12, 2018


Probably Makeup
Commentary by Calvin Best

All of this news about Rob Porter, who I am sure is a good, upstanding member of the church, should cause all of us to pause and reflect. What could have led to this situation? What is going on in our society and government that is causing such a stir?

I don’t know Brother Porter personally, but he served both Senator Hatch and Mike Lee. These are two powerful, righteous men of God who only surround themselves with other righteous men of God. Porter has toiled side-by-side with our duly elected Commander-in-Chief, working tirelessly to make America great again. So, given those facts, what should we make of this situation? I think that any reasonable person would agree that Brother Porter should not have resigned, should not have stopped doing America’s important work, especially since we can be sure that if something happened in the past, it is past and was properly addressed.

The first thing to remember, as members of the church, is that if Brother Porter had been guilty of any of this stuff, inspired church leaders would have already handled it. If the wives went to the bishops, those men would have got to the bottom of all of it. If there were “crimes” committed, then they would have made sure justice was served. We all know that, especially with men, mercy cannot rob justice. If it was true that he made some mistakes, like all of us do, then, if Brother Porter is now a temple-recommend holder, he must have repented. How can we continue to hold against him what he has repented of? If it was not true, which I think we can all see is probably the real truth, then why would these reports cause such a stir? I think we can all see that forces of the deep state and liberal media, the modern day Gadianton robbers that the Book of Mormon warns us about, are still trying to stick their puny arm out and stop the work of the Lord and his earthly servants!

The second thing to remember is that not only are all church leaders wise, inspired men who would be removed from their office before God would allow them to make a serious mistake, but that some powerful men are passionate. That passion can be misunderstood by people, especially women. It is good that brother Porter’s bishop, bishopric, and stake presidency are also all men, since men understand the true intent and meaning, the true hearts of other men. Here again women in disciplinary councils would only misunderstand, might overly believe the women, and would gum up the whole divine process. Also, we know that a very large percent of accusations are things women are mistaken about in their reports. This is especially true now when so many women are talking about a few bad men doing a few things, usually a long time ago. This has just about every woman wanting to be part of what is going on, so they have extra encouragement to exaggerate stuff from the past. That is probably the case with Porter and those women. This is all just that MeToo stuff taken too far!

The thing to keep in mind with the Porter thing is that all of it really gets at the heart of how an attack on Trump and his virtuous leadership is an attack on the church and on what we hold sacred. Porter is just the first person who could be forced to stop doing what God put him in the White House to do if we let wild accusations and stories by women about “abuse” in the past get too much attention. Seen properly, all of this stuff is just the Adversary causing conflict and chaos. We can rise above this and persist.

If we let righteous people like Porter be forced out, a man who obviously cleared everything up with inspired church leaders, then you and I can count on the fact that we will probably be next, and the small thread holding up the constitution may snap completely!