Monday, June 12, 2023
Monday, May 2, 2022
The great jazz musician Miles Davis is reported to have said, “When you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note that you play that determines if it’s good or bad.” The next note can make the situation worse, or it can make what seemed like a wrong note sound right. This is true for music, and it is double true when you are telling your family that you are leaving the church. After the initial, “I’m leaving” or “I have left the church,” what comes next can make all of the difference. Say the right thing, and you can smooth your path with your family out of the church. Botch this and no matter what you say they will take it as someone screaming how great tea tastes from the great and spacious building. So, like a well-cleared path out of Mormonism (and you can say that now), here is the Mormon (or maybe Exmormon) Tabernacle Enquirer guide to follow-up statements after telling your family that you are leaving the church.
Monday, March 7, 2022
|The Wildly Popular |
though Now Discontinued Manual
“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that, later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’ tune “Hotel California.”
The manual also suggested games that proved very popular over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament prayers.”
Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching. In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother. In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the mothers so that the kids could never find their match.
Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!”
“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.”
Monday, February 21, 2022
|Early Concept for a Program Logo|
The bulk of the press conference was given over to describing the program’s “many temporal and spiritual benefits.” LDS Plus members would get, according to Markeson, priority sacrament delivery. Asked to clarify that, Markeson explained that special, “extra worthy” deacons would pass the sacrament to LDS Plus members immediately after the meeting’s presiding authority.
When reporters asked Markeson if Plus members would finally be able to reserve seats that they or their families sit in every Sunday, Markeson promised that this option would be coming in late 2022 or early 2023. She said that church building authorities were still working on a system that would keep people, often visitors or new members, from sitting where some members always sit. Markeson elaborated that “we’re still working on an Interloper Removal System involving several small, discreet tasers.”
Besides priority sacrament delivery, LDS Plus members would get access to any non-Elders-Quorum-sanctioned-but-with-all-of-the-cool-brothers fantasy sports leagues. “Everyone wants to be included,” said Markeson “and no man wants to feel left out during sacrament meeting when someone whispers to a disappointed male friend that his running back just got him 11 points.”
Markeson’s LDS Plus presentation crescendoed with the program’s final two benefits. The first was “a lower threshold of acceptance into the church educational welfare program that is Brigham Young University’s three campuses.” Revised categorization would give LDS Plus members advantages in getting into BYU. LDS Plus members in Utah would have the advantage of being classified as “Non-Utahn, living in some heathen place like the Dakotas or the entire East Coast.” Female LDS Plus members applying from east of the Mississippi would be classified as “males who need BYU to not screw up their lives.” Male LDS Plus members from that same region would be flagged as “We have to get some guys into BYU so that women can find husbands.”
The program’s final benefit is the Temple Recommend Slide By. This LDS Plus benefit allows members to “take a pass on up to two temple recommend questions.” Markeson reported that “this will be a huge benefit to Plus members who like a discreet morning coffee but still want to attend a niece, nephew or even their own child’s temple sealing.”
Reporters who had heard rumors about the LDS Plus program noticed one much anticipated benefit that was not mentioned. Markeson responded to their question this way: “Yes, later this year we will be rolling out the LDS Premium Plus program, and yes, I can tell you now that that program will guarantee that members will get the most coveted church calling—the one with an important sounding title but where you don’t have to do anything—Counselor in the Stake Sunday School Presidency.”
Monday, May 31, 2021
|Sex has been filthy since the Fall|
Properly Understand Sex. David might have killed Goliath, but sex killed David! Since sex is a filthy corruption in this fallen world, men must convince women to do it. Women are, by nature, purer and more holy than men, and that is why they don’t need the priesthood. Women do sex to appease the animal side of men and, as a reward (and punishment), women get children. Keep in mind that you must be the constant and steady gas of the sexual car in order to overcome your wife’s constant braking. If her braking it too strong, sometimes you have to take the direct approach and give it a little (or not so little!) push.
Clean the Garage. Some men are not well suited to the direct approach. That is fine—you have to know who you are. Some men will have more success with cleaning the garage. What I mean by that is that if you do your husbandly duties then she will have to do her wifely duties. It is that simple. Some women just get it. They know that if you are making dinner or washing her car or turning off the tv so that “you can talk,” this means that it is time for her to do her duty. Oh, those inspired women! But some women will need reminders and hints. You may need to make a big deal out of picking up the kids from soccer practice or mowing the lawn so she will know that you expect dutiful and indifferent intercourse that night. You may have to figure out for yourself how to remind her that she is responsible for your sexual needs.
Touch her Heart. Some women don’t respond well to either of the above approaches. Naturally they don’t want sex themselves. The idea that sex could be a gracious giving between loving partners, a chance for play, and opportunity to see and be seen, a gift of genuine growth, and a source of joy goes against how God punished our first parents and how nowadays sex is pornographic exploitation. Women, being more spiritual, understand that sex turns them into objects, and they are okay with that. Sometimes all that they need are reminders that they have all of the power in the relationship, and that if they don’t let you do sex on them, then they make you feel worthless, powerless, small, and ugly. Remind them of how bad she makes you feel. Your reminder is an act of charity, her sensitive nature will be pricked ever so lovingly, and she will recall her grim sexual stewardship.
The Wages of Sin Are Porn. None of us like to tell the innocent ears what I’m about to say, but some women need to be reminded that the only way for men to avoid porn, masturbation, and other excessive behaviors is for women to give men a steady amount of sex. Men’s needs are too powerful for them to control. God gave men these powerful needs to test them and to try them, but women have an important obligation to keep men from porn, masturbation, and other excesses by giving men sex. Women need to know that with great power comes great responsibility, and the wages of them not laying there, closing their eyes, and thinking of Zion is porn.
Use A Therapist/Podcast/Book/Workshop to Change Her. Modern Mormon men also know the value of modern tools to help women be as dutiful as they once were. If she is not giving you enough sex, consider taking her to a therapist, telling her to listen to a podcast or read a book, or taking her to a workshop that will get her to have more sex with you. But keep in mind that they should be gospel-based. They should remind women of their divine nature as pure beings as well as their duties and stewardship. Anything other than obedience is risky at best.
A Word of Warning. “Risky” is an important word here. Sex should not be risky at all. Instead of some vulgar “risky business,” sex should make men feel validated, accepted, and important. Sex is the way she tells you that you are special. You must have that steady, constant, reassuring message. Loyal, faithful, and obedient women also get validation, acceptance, and a sense of importance by miserably succumbing, and, voila, all is well in Zion.
Some “modern” and “worldly” people, and even Mormons who have fallen under the spell of worldly ideas, claim that sex should be risky in that the two partners can allow themselves to be really seen for who they are. This foolish approach means showing emotional, mental, and spiritual weakness and doubt. It means being honest, taking responsibility for your desires, and focusing on how sex freely allows both of you to create good in the world. This is a bad idea for two reasons—how will your wife respect you if she sees your doubts, insecurities, and failures? How will she always make you feel special, accepted, and important if she has doubts about how special, acceptable, and important you might be? And the second reason is even worse—what if she really sees you and doesn’t like what she sees? Sure, maybe you tricked her in the past, but what might happen if she sees the real you? What if you tell her your desires and fantasies and she’s creeped out by them? No man could ever overcome that sort of rejection. Giving your whole self to her could never be worth that kind of risk and outcome.
If All Else Fails. One final, helpful tip. Just like how the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that Satan controls the water (and that is why missionaries are not allowed to go swimming!), so we can see that Satan controls sex. To limit this destructive force, we have good and pure women in our lives. Heavenly Mother is so pure that prophets have told us over and over again to never talk about her! (Sorry that I wrote that, Heavenly Mother. (oh, wait, sorry again...I’ll stop here.)) Pure wives in Zion are the opposite of the nasty women in porn or in sexy movies. With the helpful tips given above, you can help your wife do her duty, but, if not, remember we live in a fallen world. While the path of sin and repentance is a long and windy one, some men find it helpful to release the pressure of their urges with a quick hookup or two with someone from work, with an old friend they found on social media, with a wild woman, or even with an adventuresome hussy from the ward. The nice thing about these little escapades is that since she’s not your wife, you can do all of the sexy things you’ve always wanted to do. She will probably be up for anything. You can let the fantasies that you would never let pollute your wife’s pure mind run wild with this stranger. You can have her dress up in pioneer clothes, point to the bed, and then experience your crazy crossing-the-plains-in-a-covered-wagon-and-getting-busy-before-the-Indian-attack sexual fantasy with her! This will actually help you stop bothering your wife for sex and can make you cheerful. Suddenly you’ll be cleaning the garage for no reason at all! Some men report that when they stop putting their wife in charge of their sexuality, they feel much less like parasites. The other woman doesn’t care about therapists, podcasts, books, or workshops—she is a fallen and lustful woman who unnaturally seems to enjoy sex just for the sake of having sex. What a tramp! And another bonus is that she doesn’t care about you, so you never need to risk revealing yourself or your hopes, fears, or insecurities with her. This delightful fling will be your little heaven in the absolute emotional and spiritual hell you will create.
Modern Mormon man, use these tips, and this can be a great time to be you!
Monday, January 18, 2021
|Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left|
Only a few days later, when her mother was looking at the week’s dinner menu, the kind-hearted Paistyn asked her if Uncle Carl would be lonely in his vastly inferior and eternal abode. When she tried to reassure her daughter that Uncle Carl would feel comfortable with other people like him, Paistyn was not consoled. After several more questions about Uncle Carl’s everlasting disappointment, sorrow, and isolation, Sister Healey told her daughter that they could make a schedule for when members of the family would descend from their Celestial heights to check in on Uncle Carl. This put a smile on Paistyn’s face, and soon her brothers Thryson, Ringer, and Smyth as well as sisters Jaxx and Tamrythaäl were all on board.
As news of the schedule spread to other Healeys, including Uncle Carl’s two sons, many other family members requested that their names be added to the Excel spreadsheet. At press time, more than twenty-two family members have agreed to spend at least 10 minutes every one hundred years with Uncle Carl, time which doubtlessly will be like cool drops of water on his parched spiritual tongue. When cousin Sean asked that his name be added to the rotation, Daniel Healey smiled and made the addition, though most in the family quietly but firmly believe cousin Sean will probably be with Uncle Carl already. Some suspect that Uncle Carl might be going down to visit cousin Sean.
Monday, August 31, 2020
|You can almost feel the holy just looking at it|
Salt Lake City, UT—Among the recent updates to the church’s General Handbook is a provision that allows priesthood holders to anoint the sick with Chick-fil-A sauce.
“We simply want to expand the repertoire of holy substances that can be used to heal the sick,” said church spokesperson Daniel Fuller. Fuller continued that “we’ve all been caught, from time-to-time, without consecrated oil, but I know my van has at least four packs of Chick-fil-A sauce in it right now.”
Fuller said that the “healing powers of Chick-fil-A’s signature sauce have long been respected by both church leaders at the highest levels and members at large. This policy simply acknowledges what is patently obvious.”
Asked about any possible differences in administration, Fuller noted that the handbook makes it clear that, with Chick-fil-A sauce, “when anointing an individual wearing a toupee, the artificial surface should be discreetly shifted or removed to allow the healing sauce to come in direct contact with the scalp of the infirmed.”
Fuller did acknowledge that “questions remain about the spiritual efficacy of Polynesian, Honey Mustard, and Zesty Buffalo sauce.” Said Fuller, “we are awaiting further light and knowledge about those sauces.”
Monday, May 7, 2018
|Deepest, Truest Reason to Share Gospel:|
So Families Can Be Sealed Eternally
Monday, April 30, 2018
Monday, April 16, 2018
Monday, February 12, 2018