CHURCH DISCONTINUES USE OF LONG-STANDING NURSERY MANUAL TITLED “SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK!”

The Wildly Popular
though Now Discontinued Manual

Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never Coming Back!”

“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that, later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’ tune “Hotel California.”

The manual also suggested games that proved very popular over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament prayers.”

Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching. In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother. In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the mothers so that the kids could never find their match.  

Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!”

“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.”

MEXICAN CHILDREN USE ELABORATE TUNNEL TO ESCAPE NURSERY

Similar though far inferior tunnel recently found in Mexico

Guadalajara, Mexico—In a complex scheme involving hours of digging, reduced nap time, and perhaps dozens of Sunbeams, 4 children used an elaborate tunnel to escaped from the Guadalajara, El Rincón ward’s nursery.

“One minute I was working with the kids, I turned to see why one child was crying, and when I looked back they had vanished,” said Sister Eugenia González Molina, one of two women assigned to work in the nursery. “Lucky for us the Bishop installed a surveillance system just a few weeks ago, so we saw on the tape how they opened a trapped door under the snack table and slipped out.”

Ward and stake investigators have been called in to assess the situation. What they found was a sophisticated tunnel dug directly under the church building. Reported one stake leader who would not give his name, “when we sent our Valients to investigate the tunnel, they reported that it was equipped with lighting, air conditioning, and juice boxes.”

The escape plan seems to have targeted one particular child, a notorious boy who has been a ringleader in acquiring extra fruit snacks for some of the kids. Ward leaders had been keeping an eye on this boy, known as “El Chupito,” after finding stains on the carpet from where he had smuggled drinks with red dye in them into the church.

“We are worried that these kids are still on the loose,” reported one official, “but what really concerns us is how many Primary board members must have looked the other way or been too intimidated to say anything as this plot to free El Chupito was developing.” After some speculation about who might be involved, the same official added that “one wonders how high up the corruption goes!”