Monday, December 26, 2016


Mormon Tabernacle Choir Singing in Iran
or Guatemala or Chile
Near Laredo, TX—After receiving a very cordial invitation, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has joined the likes of Aaron Carter and Kanye West in building a “YUGE” border wall between the US and Mexico.

The president of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Doug Morgan, explained to the media that “the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has a great tradition of performing at important events like inaugurals, Utah stadium fireworks shows, and dam dedications.” Morgan continued that “singing while we work, including mixing mortar to the tune of ‘Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel’ or singing ‘Carry On!’ while moving cinder blocks are some of the things we do best.”

Added one member of the choir, “we are honored to be able to serve our country by providing manual labor and music for projects that will make America great again.

Some choir members expressed concerns about accepting the invitation. “Yah, I had my reservations at first,” said Bernice McConkie. McConkie continued that “I thought that maybe the choir should not show support for a project that might not do enough to keep illegals from sneaking in and taking our jobs, since, you know, so many are rapists and murderers, but some are nice people.” What set Bernice’s mind at ease was, as she tells it, “I got such a nice call from one of my social and musical idols, and when you get such a lovely call from the legendary Ted Nugent, well, you just can’t say no!”

Other choir members had similar concerns, but all doubts were first successfully doubted and then erased by calls from such towering Trump supporters as Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogen, and, naturally enough, Kid Rock. “When Scott Baio called me,” exclaimed another choir member, “well, I could not wait to go to southern Texas and build that wall!”

The choir has previously sung at key political events of other officials, including the swearing in of such “noble and great” world leaders as Mohammad-Rezā Shāh Pahlavi (Iran), Elfegio Monzón (Guatemala), and Augusto Pinochet (Chile). The choir is slated to sing “Hail to the Profit” at a celebration of American and Russian economic greatness at this spring’s Rosneft-Exxon merger meetings.

When asked about favorite songs to sing while working on the Trump-inspired public works project, the overwhelming favorite of the choir is the famous Primary song, “I have Two Little Hands.”*

*Item from this completely true news article have been stolen from social media without any attempts to give credit to those who invented all of these truths. 

Monday, December 19, 2016


Alpine, UT—A nearly lethal carbon monoxide leak at a church in Alpine Utah went completely undetected by the high priest’s group meeting in the room. The leak, resulting from a malfunctioning heating system, caused many of the older priesthood holders to cough excessively while rendering other attendees completely unresponsive. 

Emergency crews were late arriving at the scene because people looking through the classroom window did not detect anything out-of-the-ordinary when they say the breathless, wheezing, or passed-out high priests. EMTs commented that there would have been many fatalities had the class not been interrupted by an older woman who entered the room because she had reportedly left her gum in her husband’s suit pocket. 

While precautions will be taken to prevent future incidents, the ward’s high priest group leadership will not repeat that day’s lessons, because, in their words, “I’d say we still got out of it what we normally do.” 

Monday, December 12, 2016


Yep, that’s one option...
Commentary by Kaitlyn Gledhill

Well, so, I really like church and all, and my Young Women’s leaders are super cool, but I’m still not sure if I want to be, you know, a valiant, virtuous woman of God or if I want to have sex. I mean it sounds really cool to be part of a Royal Generation and to save myself for after my temple sealing, but sometimes I just wanna hold hands and kiss and then rub and then let him rub and then…well, you know.

A few weeks ago we had a Stake Standards night, and they talked about wolves eating you if you get off the path and cliffs and falling into dirty water or something and then something about staying in some boat I think or lighthouses…I’m not sure. Honestly, I really didn’t get all of it, I mean Chad texted me like halfway through and stuff, but yah it was really interesting stuff. What I got was that it would be a really, really terrible thing to do, I mean really terrible, like, scary bad. I just can’t imagine…well, until, you know, I kinda start to imagine…

So anyways that’s where I’m at, you know, trying to decide between the whole righteous and worthy Daughter of God thing and...well...sometimes, I have, like this just craving, like some itch that you really, really, really want to scratch… know…stuff... 

Monday, December 5, 2016


Nurturing Hands, not Frighten Protecting Hands
Celestial Kingdom—Heavenly sources indicated this week that there is widespread celestial hope that the seemingly well-meaning but inadvertently damage-inflicting couple who tried to explain how to not pull away from the church might themselves soon pull away from the church.

“Yes, we get it,” said one angelic source, “the couple is convinced that some people just get lazy or casual or whatnot.” The celestial source then went on that, “what they don’t see is that wonderful, loving, grateful, hard-working, and courageously devoted people don’t always follow their path to God.”

Another heavenly source confirmed that besides self-righteousness, the couple reinforced an “us-versus-them” and even a “siege” mentality, a sense that the “faithful” need to protect themselves for “the wicked,” from “the deceivers,” and from “the philosophies of men.” The source explained that this means seeing other ideas and other people as the enemy, and seeing others as the enemy is the very enmity that is the core of Satanic pride. “It is rather frightening,” added that source, “how easily the Devil’s most powerful tool, enmity (pride), can be used to do what some people see as God’s work.” 

“Of course the whole ‘pulling away from the church’ thing is a problem,” continued a third source. The source explained that “we hope all feel free to contribute to building a place on earth where all of God’s children can be inspired and grow in the ways God wants.” The seraphic source concluded that “the eternal reality is that pulling away can be part of God’s path for some of God’s children, and while we don’t actually want the self-righteous couple to pull away, we do want them to say and act in a completely opposite spirit from that of their short-sighted, misguided ‘advice.’”