Monday, August 18, 2014



By Jordan Howie

Yep, That's What the Affair Will Do,
but it's Probably Worth it
I’ve been married to Jennifer for 26 years now, and we are the parents of 5 lovely children. They are a great family, don’t get me wrong, and it will change their lives like a nuclear accident, but I still think that having an affair with a young woman from work is a good idea.

I will say from the outset that my betrayal of my promises and everything I have claimed to stand for will not be their fault. I mean, let’s be honest, Jennifer still does her best as a wife and mother and so forth, but the chance to have my ego (and other things!) generously massaged by someone who was only 3 years old when I got married is just too good to pass up.

Her name is Lauren, she’s 29, and she is just like those popular and promiscuous girls that I avoided in high school. Well, now I’m older, she’s wise and worldly, and for some reason she wants to hop in the sack with me. What could be better than throwing away years of self-discipline, devotion, and hard-work as well as the love and respect of those close to me for tawdry and disconnected sex interrupted only by moments of superficial conversation and lousy scrambled eggs? 
Sure, this will damn me, and not just in the eternal sense. This affair will rob me of any sense of integrity or self-confidence. I will learn that something so empty and meaningless can lead me to abandon everything I value, but Lauren’s Facebook pictures of her in her bikini are so hot that I do not want to miss out on some of that.

And, okay, I can see how this will impact my 19 year-old daughter who is just about to leave on her mission, my married son struggling through college with a wife and young children, and my other three children at home. When they find out they probably won’t be able to hear the noise of their own crying over the devastated wails of my unsuspecting wife. Every Family Home Evening lesson about families being forever and temple covenants and the beauty of sexual expression kept within marriage will transform the locks that used to bind us together into rusted, corroded, and useless scrap metal. But Kelly does this really cute thing when she bites her lip and pulls down the top of her shirt, I’m mean, it is just so hot that I’m sure it will be worth it.

Frankly, cheating on Jennifer and betraying the Lord and my children will be like napalm, that fiery chemical used to destroy every living thing in Vietnam. Yep, this will pretty much emotionally scorch every square foot of earth that is anywhere near me, permanently changing my life and everyone’s life for the worse, including the people I have worked with inside and outside of the church for years and years, but I think I’m going to go for it.

Monday, August 4, 2014


LAS CRUCES, NM—Local Call of Duty expert Simon Osborn announced to family and friends his decision to not serve an LDS mission. Osborn, who made the announcement simultaneously via Facebook and Twitter, cited the “Osmond/Parker Exception” as a key element of his decision.

“It has been a hard decision for me to make,” said Osborn, “since I have always heard that serving a mission is pretty cool.” Osborn went on to explain that “but, just as Donny Osmond and, more recently Jabari Parker, have felt that they can serve the Lord by excelling in their particular field, so I feel that my insane ability with the FAD assault rifle means that getting whole lobbies of twelve year-olds to rage quit will be the Lord’s mission for me.”

In making his announcement, Osborn clarified that he had already had a missionary experience that showed him how God can use in-game microphone chat to spread His word. He told of an experience where he “totally spawn killed a whole team before dropping a K.E.M strike to end the match, all the while reciting 1 Nephi 3:7 into his headset over and over again.”

“At first we weren’t sure if he was going in the right direction,” says Nathan Osborn, father of the multiplayer missionary. “But after Black Ops came out, I really started to notice the way he stacked his kill streaks and thought he might have it in him. And after seeing him smash lobby after lobby in Ghosts and Modern Warfare 3, I just know my son is doing the best possible thing.”

“One night,” elaborated Osborn, “I was struggling over my decision while no-scoping newbs on a S&D lobby.” Osborn continued, “at first, I just figured that UrgentFury721 was an idiot, but just after he quit I realized that maybe the Lord put him on the map and that same lame spot for a reason. And right at that moment,” said a chocked up Osborn, “I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had known UrgentFury721 in the pre-mortal existence and that I has promised to bring him the Gospel to touch his heart just like my sniper rifle had touched his heart repeatedly.” A clearly moved Osborn concluded, “I will keep my promise to you and I will find you UrgentFury721.”

(A special thanks to Trenton Hyer for his expertise and investigative work to produce this important story.)