AREA CALL OF DUTY “EXPERT” INVOKES OSMOND/PARKER EXCEPTION AS REASON FOR NOT SERVING MISSION

LAS CRUCES, NM—Local Call of Duty expert Simon Osborn announced to family and friends his decision to not serve an LDS mission. Osborn, who made the announcement simultaneously via Facebook and Twitter, cited the “Osmond/Parker Exception” as a key element of his decision.

“It has been a hard decision for me to make,” said Osborn, “since I have always heard that serving a mission is pretty cool.” Osborn went on to explain that “but, just as Donny Osmond and, more recently Jabari Parker, have felt that they can serve the Lord by excelling in their particular field, so I feel that my insane ability with the FAD assault rifle means that getting whole lobbies of twelve year-olds to rage quit will be the Lord’s mission for me.”

In making his announcement, Osborn clarified that he had already had a missionary experience that showed him how God can use in-game microphone chat to spread His word. He told of an experience where he “totally spawn killed a whole team before dropping a K.E.M strike to end the match, all the while reciting 1 Nephi 3:7 into his headset over and over again.”

“At first we weren’t sure if he was going in the right direction,” says Nathan Osborn, father of the multiplayer missionary. “But after Black Ops came out, I really started to notice the way he stacked his kill streaks and thought he might have it in him. And after seeing him smash lobby after lobby in Ghosts and Modern Warfare 3, I just know my son is doing the best possible thing.”

“One night,” elaborated Osborn, “I was struggling over my decision while no-scoping newbs on a S&D lobby.” Osborn continued, “at first, I just figured that UrgentFury721 was an idiot, but just after he quit I realized that maybe the Lord put him on the map and that same lame spot for a reason. And right at that moment,” said a chocked up Osborn, “I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had known UrgentFury721 in the pre-mortal existence and that I has promised to bring him the Gospel to touch his heart just like my sniper rifle had touched his heart repeatedly.” A clearly moved Osborn concluded, “I will keep my promise to you and I will find you UrgentFury721.”

(A special thanks to Trenton Hyer for his expertise and investigative work to produce this important story.)

DENVER 7TH WARD PILOTS YOUNG MEN IN MEDIOCRITY

Logo for the new Church progam

DENVER, CO—Seeking to realistically highlight LDS adolescent male accomplishments, the Denver 7^th Ward held its first Young Men in Mediocrity celebration.  Ward Young Men president Calvin York was reportedly pleased by both the turnout and the response to this pilot.  York reported that “we had at least 35% of the young men there, and a lot of them hardly texted at all during the program.”

Bishop Collins was also pleased with the results.  “The young men didn’t really react, but I’m sure that they were excited,” said Collins, “when we explained how time-wasting and mind-numbing video games would become part of the Church’s new Call of Duty to God: White Ops program.”  Collins explained that “Xbox pretty much drains them of any ambition or genuine sense of adventure, but at least this way we recognize the mediocrity and channel some of it back to the gospel.”

Measuring the reaction of the young men has proven a more difficult task, as most showed little variation from the accustomed grunting and glassy-eyed stares.  The only slight alteration came with the refreshments that capped off the event.  The priest quorum had been in charge of those refreshments, but apparently “Brandon forgot to bring the Oreos.”  Sandy Collins, wife of Bishop Collins, provided flat soda for the young men, soda that was reportedly rather lukewarm, which is to say neither hot nor cold, and which many found so distasteful that they spewed it out.