Tuesday, October 30, 2012


By Elder David Richmond, Missionary in the Alabama Birmingham Mission

Elder Richmond
The way that we met her was that we were out tracting. We had only been out since 8:30 this morning and it was close to 11:00. We were doing our “quiet tracting time,” which I guess they do in this mission but I had not heard about it when I was at the MTC. Quiet tracting time is when both missionaries ponder their blessings and try to listen to the Spirit instead of talking. Elder Davis says that this approach seems perfect for me. He says that sometimes talking makes it hard to hear the whisperings of the Spirit. I'm glad to have such a great companion like Elder Davis.

So, anyways we were doing quiet tracting when we saw Bernice working in her flowers on the side of her house. She seemed surprised to see us, but then she had the biggest smile for us. We told her who we were, and that also seemed to surprise her, but she was just so nice. She asked us if we wanted some sweet tea, but I explained that we don’t drink hot drinks because of the Word of Wisdom. She said that she could make iced tea, but I told her that God didn’t want people drinking that either. She didn’t seem to know about the Lord’s law of health, which we know that all of the prophets have kept strictly since Adam, so I explained it to her. I’m still new here on my mission, but my companion lets me just follow the Spirit and explain whatever I feel people need to hear.

So after that she told us that she was really busy today, but that if we wanted to stop by any time that that would be fine. When I brought up maybe coming over tomorrow, she said that she might be busy then. It seems like she does a lot of stuff, because most of the other times didn’t seem to work either. When my companion said that we would just see her next time we were in the area, she smiled and said that that would be great. I guess Elder Davis just knows how the Spirit will help us know when she is free to hear the gospel. In my heart I could tell that she is ready for the gospel, so I'm sure that she will be there tomorrow. She is just so nice that I’m sure that once she gets a chance to read the Book of Mormon that she will just love it.

By Bernice Ross

Bernice Ross Trying to Not
Imagine Magic Underwear
Those Mormon boys dropped by my house today.  I was tidying up the yard, since I knew that the “Lawn of the Month” judges like to look around after breakfast at the Cracker Barrel, when they snuck up on me.  They didn’t make a sound, and if I had heard them I would have just gone into the house until they left.  They are such nice boys, with their nice dark suits and their big smiles, and it is a pity that they don’t believe in the real Jesus and will burn in hell forever.

One of the boys did all of the talking.  He was Elder Richmond, and the other was Elder Davis.  It was a rather warm day, but when I asked them if they wanted some sweet tea, Elder Richmond said something about tannic acid, only eating pot roast in winter, and running and not getting worried. He really had a lot to say about tea. Well, when he was done, the boy that he was with asked if I wanted to hear a message about Jesus. Of course, I thought to myself that if I wanted to hear a message about Jesus I would get one from Pastor Bob. And it was a good thing that Pastor Bob had told us that the Mormons were in town, so that I knew that they have a different Jesus in their gold Bible. And I know that it isn't ladylike, but I have to say that I did wonder what their magical underwear looks like.

They did seem nice enough, and offered to come by and help if I ever needed anything. It is nice to see such friendly and well-mannered young men, but it is too bad that they will spend eternity in the fiery pit of God's unquenchable fire, bless their hearts.

Monday, October 8, 2012


The watchers of the Church's Esperanto translation stream during last weekend's General Conference received an unexpected treat as headlines scrolled across the bottom of the screen providing further insights into the current state of the Church. Some of them were recorded by Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer correspondent Barley B. Bratt:

  • Parking causes over 70% of conference goers to lose Spirit.
  • Buenos Aires, Argentina; Orlando, Florida; Escondido, California; Chicago, Illinois; Chattanooga, Tennessee; and Tooele, Utah all submit proposals to host the April 2013 General Conference.
  • It's 1 a.m. Do you know where your 18-year-old is? HE'S ON A MISSION!
  • 15 almost interchangeable, white, elderly men revel in Church diversity.
  • "Proclamation on Caffeine" soon to be available as frameable print. 
  • Warning: if your 18-month-old child is being abnormally quiet and hiding behind the loveseat, expect imminent foul odors.
  • Church considering selling Utah "to either the U.S. or maybe Mexico."
  • Elder Jacob T. Phillips, currently serving in the Chile Santiago West Mission, had several impure thoughts last Tuesday and Wednesday morning.
  • Deseret Book prods BYU professor to revise doctrinal book into "an inspirational doormat, or a T-shirt, maybe."
  • Sudden intrusion by homeless man interrupts otherwise excellent Gospel Doctrine lesson on King Benjamin's sermon.
  • Temples also to be built in Bacon, Texas; Big Ugly, West Virginia; and Satan's Kingdom, Utah.
  • Several apostles shift nervously when speaker testifies that Book of Mormon is “just as historically verifiable as the woman caught in adultery and Jonah and the Whale.”
  • Mobile, Alabama saint runs, becomes weary, walks, faints, loses temple recommend.
  • Bonneville communications finds buyer for its 34% share (worth an estimated $12.4 million)  in the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.