Monday, September 23, 2013


“Tree of Life” Shower
HADES—Though never one to dwell on the past—getting kicked out of heaven, missing out on a body, not letting Robin Thicke convert to Mormonism and then perform for the VMA’s—the Father of Lies is still disappointed that he let slip his minor Provo Missionary Training Center success: the “Tree of Life” showers.

While it has been years since all of the MTC showers were converted to private facilities, the Prince of Darkness still holds fond memories of valiant servants of God wracked by the guilt, shame, and embarrassment experienced in the former facilities.

“Yah, you know there was nothing like the anxiety and panic that at least distracted those detested young men when 6 of them all had to shower together in a circle,” reported the Old Serpent.  “That missionary--he might be mastering German and half way through the Book of Mormon—but at least I knew that his daily wash ritual would make him feel awkward and humiliated.” 

Lucifer's Original Design for MTC Showers
When talking about the showers, called the “tree of life” for how 6 shower heads would emerge from the top of one vertical plumbing unit, the Great Dragon revealed how they got there in the first place.  He said that, “well, we had some people on the inside for that one, a few contractors and a plumber from Tennessee who we tempted with some sweet tea and then told him that if he didn’t do our bidding then we would send Payton Manning back to the Volunteer state.”  The plan apparently worked, and the corrupted plumber and contractors convinced others that, with the showers installed, they would be too difficult to replace.

“So they were there for years, and it was pretty great to at least have that miserable comfort as some revenge on the missionaries,” concluded the Devil. As a final comment, Lucifer noted how “now that the Tree of Life showers are gone, the next best time that we have to see these otherwise capable and confident young men completely embarrassed by their bodies is usually on the wedding night.”  

Monday, September 9, 2013


Artists Rendition of Possible Handout
COLUMBIA, SC-- Area Laurel Isabel Pelley was about to indulge in her very first drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy when she was stopped in her tracks by the memory of last Sunday’s Young Women’s class handout. “I don’t know where I’d be right now, probably making some hung-over, tweaked-out walk-of-shame from Brad’s house,” reported Isabel, “if the memory of [Laurel Class Advisor] Sister Vasquez’s handout on that dusty pink paper had not flashed before my eyes.”

The young sister Pelley stated that, “Brad had been kinda pressuring me for weeks, and I had said no, but, I don’t know, I sorta didn’t want to disappoint him.” Isabel went on to explain that, “so, we were on our way, when, like a light or something, I could see in my mind the lacy border around that handout, and I just knew that I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Isabel reported that when she told Brad that she had changed her mind, “he started to get all sweet on me, sayin’ that it would be fun and that it was no big deal.” Somewhat persuaded by the young man’s pleas, Isabel indicated that “I started to listen to him, but when he spoke I could see his words in the perfect font that Sister Vasquez had used, you know, the one that looks casual but spiritual.”

“When Brad started to get a little upset,” elaborated Isabel, “I just pictured the clip-art that was at the bottom, and I just knew then and there that whiskey, meth, and sex, and all for the first time, could never take the place of spiritual things in my life, like, you know, whatever was on that handout.”

When asked about the exact content of the handout, Isabel said, “I don’t really remember--it might have been a quote by somebody or something. I think it’s in my scriptures but it might be on the floor in the van.” Unconfirmed sources indicate that the handout, like last Sunday’s lesson, most likely addressed tithing.

Monday, September 2, 2013


Before and After Pictures of What Elder Kesler Imagines Will Happen
TOPEKA, KS—Elder Robert Kesler recently performed the act of casting off the dust of his feet against the Topeka 3rd Ward.  That act, which was done last Tuesday, came after what Elder Kesler described as “the point at which the Spirit will no longer strive with this generation of vipers who pollute this the Lord’s suburban Kansas vineyard.”

Elder Kesler relayed much of the event in his weekly letter to his mission president.  He told the president that he had “warned and forewarned the slothful, iniquitous, and adulterous children of men that the sword of the Lord’s judgment hangeth over their heads, yea, the day soon cometh that the Kansas river will turn red with your blood and God will cast down your homes, churches, theaters, and Walmarts.” 

In spite of Elder Kesler’s condemnation, he appears to have been alone in concluding that “it shall be more tolerable for the heathen in the day of judgment” than this particular Midwestern ward.  Elder Kesler’s companion, Elder York, told his companion that he would “let him do the dust casting this time” and that he might “give the ward one last chance, just this once.”

Elder York’s letter to the president painted a rather different picture of the situation.  He noted that Elder Kesler had “been pretty worked up recently, even more than usual.”  He elaborated that when they were served lasagna for the third time in one week, Elder Kesler said that “he could only choke it down because the Lord had promised that His servants could consume poison and not be injured.” 

When one of the youth expressed concerns about going on a mission, Elder York noted that Elder Kesler made it clear that “such sinful doubts were exactly how Laman and Lemuel got started.”  Elder Kesler then warned the young man’s family to avoid any long car rides with him or to expect “sibling abuse, rude dancing, and becoming very, very lost.”  Elder Kesler even noted that such a son “might lead their gray hairs to a watery grave, like in the pool of some Motel 8 where they would have to stop.”

According to Elder York, the youth were not the only ones who demonstrated Topeka’s “rising tide of filth and faithlessness.”  Among other “gross sins and abomination” were the bishop’s failure to convert thousands, “even if he had to cut off a few arms to do it,” the relief society president’s failure to implement a plan wherein all compassionate service casseroles would have papers with missionary messages cooked into them, and the music director’s “heinous neglect” of “Called to Serve,” which Elder Kesler wanted to be sung at least twice during every meeting. 

Elder Kesler had gone so far as to warn what he sees as the few faithful members to watch for the fire and brimstone that “will inevitably consume both root and branch.”  When some of those members, concerned about such warnings, asked Elder York about it, Elder York told them not to worry.  Elder York explained that, after he had got up 3 minutes late one morning, he had seen Elder Kesler casting the dust off of his feet against him that evening when he thought that Elder York was asleep.  Elder York concluded that “this happened about 3 months ago, so I think we’re all good.” 

So far there have been no reports of complete annihilation in either Topeka or the other areas where Elder Kesler has served.