Monday, April 30, 2018


Salt Lake City, UT—In an unexpected press conference, God clarified that He actually does love everyone including an unnamed local masturbater.

“I find it odd that some are so surprised,” said He who created Heaven and Earth “that I can find it in Me to love someone who rather regularly masturbates, but yep, I can!”

The announcement seems to have been made to set the record straight on how God loves all of God’s children. God further elaborated that “some seem to believe that some sin or any sin disqualifies one from feeling loved or even having My Spirit with them, but nope—you can make mistakes and still be loved and Spiritually encouraged.”

A reporter on hand posed a question on many people’s minds—isn’t sexual sin like masturbation close to murder? In typical quiet majesty, God replied that murder robs another of his or her chance to live and choose, and murder puts in human hands what God wants to control—when His children leave mortality. The Father of All said that while rape might come close to murder, self-stimulation to orgasm or even consensual sex with another “are very far from the soul-destroying power of murder.”

When asked about scriptures that connect sexual sin and murder, God encouraged all present to think about how Alma had once gone about trying to destroy the spirits of others by leading them from the gospel, and that that is what he was warning his son Corianton about. “Of course sexual sin is like murder,” said God, “but only when those sins kill souls and take others away from Me, but masturbation doesn’t do that.”

When asked why He was taking time to say this now, God said that “I have too many of my children feeling too much shame, guilt, and sorrow over this,” and “it just seems like you are ready for us to get past the Victorians and to place this habit within its proper context.”

When asked what He meant by “proper context,” God explained that, “well, think about it—if the only sin committed by all of my children was masturbation, what kind of world would this be?” Answering His own question, He said “no more spouse abuse or child abuse, no more wars, terrorism, robberies, fraud, political corruption, or systematic exploitation of the poor and vulnerable.”

Still seemingly confused, one reporter asked, “yah, but doesn’t masturbation lead to serious sexual sin, sex addiction, prostitution, sexual deviance, pedophilia, and the promotion of pornography?” To this question God responded that “how worried would you be that a small child who told a lie would get involved in massive fraud or embezzling or how worried would you be that a nursery-age child who hit or bit another child would grow up to be a murderer?” God then continued, “yes, bad behavior can lead to other bad behavior, but please don’t assume that one mistake or even habit is a slippery slope that always leads to a terrible, terrible pit.”

Toward the conclusion of the press conference, God revealed that “Me and Your Heavenly Mother want you to love and cherish your bodies, and We want you to use them in ways that are consistent with your values, but hey, as you are learning about your bodies, don’t let your mistakes or weakness fool you into thinking We don’t love you.” 

“The worst,” interjected Heavenly Mother, “is when you feel so much guilt and shame that you don’t talk to Us, because I cannot tell you how much your Heavenly Father and I love to hear your voices!”

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