YW/YM Leaders Teach Chastity the "Comfortable" Way

Sister Stockton expounds on chastity.

By Amy Chamberlain

MAGNA, UT—Drawing on inspiration from Spencer W. Kimball, who brought the words “necking and petting” into common LDS usage, Young Women president Linda R. Stockton of the 26^th ward in Magna, Utah, has turned to other slang terms from the 1930s. These words, she claims, make lessons on chastity “more comfortable for the leaders.” 

“So many of us older guys and gals just don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about…intimate marital relations …with the words that the kids are using today,” she says. “I say that the girls in my charge don’t need to know the so-called ‘correct’ terms for everything. There’s time enough for that when they’re married.”

Her second counselor, Karla Magleby, agrees. “Kids today are too literal,” she says. “I say that topics such as intimacy are best discussed with metaphors. Using actual terms for, you know, some certain body parts would certainly drive the Spirit away. And if analogies were good enough for my grandparents, they’re good enough for these Generation-Y kids.”

The Young Men leaders gave the idea an enthusiastic thumbs-up, and Young Men President Darnell B. Pritchett mined his childhood memories for “appropriately vague” terms to use when discussing sex with the youth in his ward. 

“You gunsels are going to wanna pitch woo, especially when you’re dizzy with a dame,” Pritchett explained to the youth during a combined chastity fireside. “And if you’re at a swell egg harbor, you may get dingy, especially if you get honey coolers from some sweet patootie. You’ll wanna put your grabbers all over her get-away sticks. Don’t be making that kind of brodie or you’ll be putting your soul in a Chicago overcoat, see?”

The second speaker, Sister Stockton, added her thoughts on how to avoid drugs and alcohol, and how to leave questionable parties: “You cats can enjoy your jolly-ups. Go ahead and get all togged to the bricks. But you should really make tracks if someone tries to slip you a Micky Finn. You can listen to your whacky platters and gobble-pipes and skin ticklers, but stay far away from the rotgut and the snipes—that stuff’s all wet. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t blow your wig. Just give your host the high hat, make for your flivver, and take a powder. Dames, if your butter-and-egg man has already left, get on the blower to your parents. And don’t feel you have to go out every night. Bumping gums with the other twists in your cave? Well, that can be aces too.”

Bishop Larry B. Maynard spoke last, and drew on 1930s railroad stories from his youth to encourage the girls in his ward to stay chaste. “Just because the car knocker comes around your crummy to manhandle your dual control switch doesn’t mean you gotta be a twit,” he cautioned. “You keep that wet smack off your hotbox, even if you have to head to your roundhouse for a bumper. That Joe may very well look like the Big ‘O,’ but he could be a hot-headed tallowpot in disguise. Don’t let any old boomer buckle your rubbers on you, or you’ll be chewing cinders. I guess what I’m trying to say is: when you’re out hauling, always make sure your hogger is up in your crow’s nest and stay away from the hump yard.”

The youth leaders judged the fireside to be a great success. “Ain’t no crumbs ever gonna chisel our dollfaces at their juicy clambakes,” commented Shirley A. Benson, the Personal Progress adviser. “Not now that they got the low-down.”

“Mitt me, kid!” she added, turning to Sister Stockton.

“You shred it, wheat,” said Sister Stockton. They then exchanged a high five.

The youth of the Magna 26^th ward could not be reached for comment.

Opinion: The Pioneers Didn’t Have it All THAT Bad

"Don't talk to me about sick oxen: my vacuum's broken!"

By Halley Price Curnutt

OK, so, pioneers were totally hard-working and spiritual and everything. I’m not saying they weren’t. I admire them and I even went on a trek reenactment once. But the thing that no one wants to admit is that our pioneers ancestors were spared a ton of hardships. 

For example, did they have to deal with cable companies?? Exactly. I mean, I can’t seem to get Comcast to understand that even though my husband wants all the sports channels, we do NOT want HBO—but we do want their full-access Internet-phone-sports service. I’ve spent literally half my life on the phone, trying to get them to fix the mistakes they keep making on our account! The pioneers didn’t have to deal AT ALL with irritating hold music or inaccurate billing practices. Not that they weren’t given trials of their own, of course. I’m just saying.

Bryson’s great-great-great grandparents buried their first three children as they crossed the plains. One died of starvation and the other two of exposure. I am sure that was really hard and everything. But hey, they didn’t have to go through the aggravation of getting their kids into the right summer programs. Tayte is 11 and he’s all about the soccer, but the best soccer camps are thirty minutes away—and the traffic is beyond terrible. Then, Meleyshia loves gymnastics (she’s spunky!) but the gym near us doesn’t have summer camps, and the one fifteen minutes away has these snotty girls who totally shun girls who have ANY talent (like Mel), and the really good camp across town has already filled up. The only camp that has any space left has a female coach who is, shall we say, “not really feminine.”

I won’t even mention how impossible it’s been to get Truxton into even a semi-decent baseball summer program. 

Seriously, I don’t see how pioneers could have had it any worse. I know they had to deal with deprivations, and disease, and various kinds of hard work, but did they have to return their mother’s birthday Edible Arrangement bouquet TWICE because the first time the pineapple was brown around the edges and the second time the bow actually had these disgusting grease stains on it? The trip back and forth totally destroyed my make-up because the mechanic hasn’t had time to look at my Lexus’s air conditioner, so I looked super disgusting when I met my friends at our Deer Valley condo for our little lost weekend. Which was totally ruined anyway because even though I’d re-ordered my entire supply of essential oils, Fed-Ex couldn’t find the address up there and didn’t even bother letting me know.  

Trials? I think I could teach the pioneers a thing or two about trials. I am grateful to know that God tests those he loves, but…honestly, could he love me a little less?! (j/k!)

STEPHENIE MEYER CALLED AS YOUNG WOMEN GENERAL PRESIDENT

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY—In a move that LDS young women are calling “wicked awesome” and “so freaking cool,” LDS Church spokesman Clive F. Burrell announced today that Stephenie Meyer, author of the enormously popular Twilight series, has been called as the newest Young Women General President. 

“Sister Meyer is a stalwart member with a strong testimony and a deep understanding of the gospel,” says Burrell. “Naturally, the youth of the Church are going to respond positively to such a role model.”

The announcement has been greeted with so much enthusiasm that this week’s issue of the Church News, which features a two-page spread on Sister Meyers, has become an instant collector’s item. 

“We don’t usually have trouble with the Church News selling out,” says a bewildered DeMarr Scraggs, general manager of Deseret Book. “But when the issue about Sister Meyer hit the shelves last Monday, a whole swarm of teenage girls and their moms descended on our flagship downtown store, screaming and giggling, and bought every one of them.” 

A similar scenario played out in every other Deseret Book throughout the Wasatch Front, though Scraggs was quick to point out that there are still plenty of back issues of the publication still available. “The same spirit inspired all the back issues as well as the current one,” he pointed out.

The announcement has had other repercussions as well. Tickets to this April’s General Conference, at which Meyers is rumored to be speaking, are selling on sites like eBay for as much as $300. Young women leader slots, which have always been hard to fill, are now in high demand. 

“I asked to be in the Young Women organization because I began to realize how much I love these girls,” says Lake Valley Fifteenth Ward member Lena Daggett. “Also, by happy circumstance, I’ll get to take my girls to the General Women’s Meeting where Stephenie Meyers will totally be speaking!” 

However, allegations that Young Women leaders have paid their bishops in exchange for their callings are unfounded.

The young women of the Cottonwood Hills Stake responded to the news with shrieks. “Shut up! Like, seriously, shut up! This is the coolest thing that’s ever, ever happened in church, ever, for my whole life,” says Brianna Cox, a Mia Maid. “I am totally going to wait for her after conference and see if she’ll sign my books.”

“I just have to get into the General Women’s meeting in September,” laments Hayley Wilkins, a Laurel. “Because I hear Sister Meyers is going to talk about how we can all snag our own personal Edwards. It’ll be the best.”

In the meantime, the Church is enjoying a tremendous surge in the attendance levels of mid-week Young Women activities and Young Women classes on Sundays. “We’re so pleased that the young women of the church can appreciate Sister Meyer’s special spirit and strong testimony,” says Burrell.