Salt Lake City, UT—Devastated by the recent cyber-attacks, the release of sensitive church documents, and threat of terrorist violence, the Church has decided to cancel the highly anticipated release of Johnny Lingo II: Johnny and Mahana’s Son Baptizes, Marries Kim Jong-un’s Favorite Daughter.
“It has been a difficult two weeks at Church headquarters,” said one unnamed source. That source explained that “we thought it was bad enough when hackers released President Monson’s confidential email complaints that ‘some of those 85 widows could be pretty cranky’ and that he ‘would be shocked if a few could claw their way into the terrestrial kingdom.’”
Hackers have also taken advantage of their unfettered access to church computers to release confidential church plans. Those previously confidential plans include the move to a 2 hour Sunday meeting block, plans to team up with Victoria’s Secret to redesign women’s garments, and plans to eliminate “the church’s main source of priestcraft—the Church Education System.” Also released was President Oaks’ April 2024 General Conference talk explaining why the Lord lifted the Priesthood ban on all worthy members.
Sources indicate that it was various threats that forced the church to pull Johnny Lingo II. “The movie is meant to be both funny and a way to reach out to North Korea” said another unnamed source, “but apparently Brother Un saw it as what we would call ‘loud laughter.’” The North Koreans threatened to “poison your funeral potatoes,” to “assign the weirdest ward members to be your home teachers,” and to “convince Mitt to run again” if the movie was distributed as planned.
The main complaints seem to be that the movie depicts a chipper, moderately attractive Polynesian Mormon trying, in the words of the North Koreans, “first to waterboard the Supreme Leader’s daughter” and then to “make her his Eternal Companion in a ceremony that the Protector of the People could not attend.”
Editorial Note: The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, always a deeply affectionate lover of the peace and joy and freedom and limitless food for everyone that the Supreme Highest Super-Dee-Dooper Leader has brought to his happy land while all of other suffers from the greedy capitalist pigs would just like to say please do not hack us. Remember, we said it first—Un is SOME Great Guy!”