Salt Lake City, UT—Reports from highly placed sources indicate that the Church has won control of several key “Bloggernacle” blogs as a result of a recent high stakes poker match between “church officials” and representatives from those blogs. Church members and readers should expect to see changes in those blogs within a matter of weeks as a result of the takeover.
Sources note that key people from many “Bloggernacle” sites were initially invited to a meeting “wherein they might share concerns with the Brethren.” It was during the course of that meeting that bloggers were unexpectedly offered the chance to change any church policy immediately if they won the poker match or face losing control of their blog if they lost. Reports indicate that all of the bloggers lost.
“We were completely unprepared,” said representatives from By Common Consent and Times and Seasons. “None of us had played much poker, and Elder [name redacted but that of a European, tulip-ridden country] and Elder [name redacted but might be the son of the roguish, otherwise solitude-loving iceman who helps Anna in Frozen] cleaned up!” The blogger continued, “I thought by the time we were done we’d see some major church policy changes, but no way. In fact, for the next three months our blogs will be nothing but Mormon Messages and Young Women in Excellence program ideas.”
Those bloggers were not the only ones surprised and left without control of their blog. Bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives, Segullah, and Faith-Promoting Rumor said that “we were doing all right at the start, I mean, we had not really lost too much, but then they started discussing their conference talks and we started really losing.” When asked what the church officials were saying, bloggers explained that “one would mention something like ‘stay in the boat and hold on’ and all of them would increase their bets, or one might say ‘Is it I’ or simply ‘Stop It’ and they would fold at just the right time.” Added those bloggers, “I think that they might have been working together!”
Besides those blogs, others were also taken over by the church as a result of their poor poker performance. Two bloggers from Rational Faiths, possibly related, fought rather bitterly as they started to lose, with one saying, “how hard can this be, I mean, it isn’t surgery!” Final control of their blog was lost to a church official who is not only, apparently, a poker expert but who also happens to be a surgeon.
The match started especially awkwardly for several bloggers whose only poker experience was “from girls’ camp, scout camp, youth conference, or EFY.” As they started to loose, bloggers from Approaching Justice, Modern Mormon Men, Sistas in Zion, and Zelophehad’s Daughters started to take off articles of clothing. They had to be told that “this wasn’t that kind of poker.”
When asked if the church planned on taking over the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, the Bunyion, or the Squirrel, Elder [name redacted but may indicate an affinity for the culinary arts] said, “do people actually read those blogs?”
The only blog to not lose control to the church was Ordain Women, since they were not allowed into the meeting.
If any blogs or “unnamed sources” would like to explain who they lost to in the poker match and/or how they lost, feel free to add that in the comments.