Monday, July 10, 2017

INTENSE SPECULATION OVER THREE BOOK OF MORMON THEMED OVERWATCH HEROES

Yep, pretty much an
Overwatch hero already!
Irvine, CA—Reddit message boards have exploded in recent days with news of three Book of Mormon themed Overwatch heroes that will be introduced in the coming weeks.

“Looks like Ammon 4 sure” said Reddit poster Kolob_map_1995 on a recent discussion. This comment seems to back up the widely rumored notion that Overwatch will introduce an Ammon hero to its game. Speculation is rampant that an Ammon hero would specialize, of course, in dismembering heroes like Reinhardt or Torbj√∂rn. Ammon’s ultimate is rumored to include a sling for killing lead opposing heroes and the ability to politely reject marriage offers of daughters of opposing heroes.

In addition to Ammon, Overwatch message boards have been abuzz with stories about a Captain Moroni hero. This hero, again according to thus far unacknowledged reports, will build defensive mounds in key locations. Other abilities would include assembling and motivating team members with an ultimate that would create a large banner under which all team mates could assemble. Reports of his ability to write rather long, counter-productive epistles to opposing teams have been largely rejected.

One reddit poster, Morms_at_Blizrd, commented: “Nephi half done,” which seems to indicate that the first hero might be inspired by the man who is arguably the Book of Mormon’s first hero, Nephi. Leaked gameplay seems to show Nephi using his decapitation and disguise ultimate as well as a zap or shock feature for teammates that are AFK.

When asked about speculation that stateside missionaries would be able to play Overwatch using only Book of Mormon themed heroes as part of proselyting efforts, Church spokesperson Chantelle Mocks said “though I cannot comment on it, this is something we may be piloting in the next few years in the Quito Ecuador mission.” She continued, “we have some especially strong missionaries and Overwatch players there.” 

Monday, July 3, 2017

IN SPITE OF PRAYER, DOUBLE FUDGE BROWNIE SUNDAE SOMEHOW FAILS TO NOURISH OR STRENGTHEN

How could this fail to nourish and/or strengthen?
Murray, UT—Against all expectations and in spite of prayerful petition, sources have informed that Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the double fudge brownie sundaes served as refreshments after a Young Women’s activity somehow failed to either nourish or strengthen anyone who partook.

“Well, I have to say that this is really pretty shocking, you know, to me,” said Kaleena Wright, a 15 year-old Miamaid in the Murray West 14th Ward’s Young Women program. Sister Wright said that “I don’t know how, you know, this one time God didn’t really answer a prayer.” She then added, “it does make you wonder if He blessed the cupcakes, the Oreos, or even the mints!”

Others were just as surprised that the formulaic, perfunctory prayer failed to have any efficacy in spite of “most girls having their eyes closed” and “Aymee saying the prayer,” who, by all accounts, “is the most spiritual girl in the group!”

Consternation over the unsuccessful prayer was such that some feared traveling home, concerned that “some harm or accident” may indeed befall them.