Monday, July 31, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: BE OF ONE HEART AND ONE MIND

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Yes, I know I used it before, but it still works!
Let’s face it—lots of new missionaries feel uncomfortable with the adjustment to mission life. Before the mission, they had a first name; now they are elder, or, if they happen to be a girl, sister. But the gospel clearly shows us that the desire to be individuals, or worse, to be different from others, is one of Satan’s tools to drag us carefully down to hell. Since being just like everyone else is an eternal truth that everyone who is righteous automatically accepts, today’s mini lesson is about how to be of one heart and one mind in the mission.

Some missionaries don’t understand the eternal, celestial truth behind the idea of being of one heart and one mind. It doesn’t just mean being dedicated to the Lord or loving others. It certainly doesn’t mean being different, or worse, enjoying differences. No! Being of one heart and one mind means thinking, acting, believing, and doing exactly what everyone else does. The right shape or form that you should take is the one form or shape God dictates for all. God only truly loves us and uses us when we take that shape or form—when we conform!

This eternal, celestial truth trips up many missionaries. They willingly think, act, or even believe differently than others. These differences cause confusion, conflict, and contention, which we all know are of the devil. God loves a smooth, happy, easy, calm, peaceful group where there are no thorny differences. Satan wants us to be different so he can create challenges, conflicts, contention, and risks. Nothing gets in the way of God’s work more than challenges, conflicts, contention, differences, and risks! That is just the truth.

Satan sometimes sneaks into a missionary’s heart with half-truths or all-out lies. He may say things like “prove all things and hold fast to that which is good.” He perverts Paul’s ideas with lies like “the church is like the body of Christ with lots of different and valuable parts so we should value and admire individual differences.” He whispers seductive falsehoods like “God loves you as an individual and that is why all ordinances are done for individuals and not groups.” Oh the subtle craftiness of the evil one! Satan may even try to tempt us into believing that challenges, risks, differences of opinion, and doubts can be the very obstacles that create faith or that those things actually help us develop true compassion and love. Don’t be fooled! God has given us leaders and the general group of the church so that we can easily conform. Being like everyone else in the church is like peacefully, effortlessly falling into a large, slow river. You should have allowed your individual self to drown in that river of easy conformity when you made your baptismal covenants and the individual self died! Missionaries of all people should give up the natural, individual man to become a saint with celestial sameness. Having the same views, same beliefs, same opinions, same tastes, and doing the same things as everyone else in the mission or in the church is the only way to make sure you are on the straight and narrow path with everyone else.

Blessed, certain, and strong will be the day when every missionary not only looks like every other missionary, but when they all think, act, and believe just like everyone else in pure and celestial conformity!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

Monday, July 24, 2017

BESIDES RUSSIANS, TRUMP FAMILY MEMBERS ALSO HAD CONTACT WITH MORMON MISSIONARIES

Mock-up of LDS Trump Poster
Washington, DC—Hot on the heels of recent revelations about contacts between the Trump campaign and the Russians come reports that Mormon missionaries also contacted and attempted to influence Trump family members and his campaign. 

The most damning reports about contacts between Mormon missionaries involve communications between those representatives and some of Donald Trump’s lesser-known children. While Donald Trump Jr. was in contact with the Russians, his sisters Tiffany, LaToya, and Janet, and brothers Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Randy were meeting clandestinely with several sets of Mormon missionaries to discuss strategy and salvation.

Three sources with direct knowledge of those meetings who spoke on conditions of anonymity confirmed to the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the missionaries presented several compelling proposals. One proposal was that the Trump campaign use a picture of Jesus and his post-resurrection appearance in the Americas to alter slightly candidate Trump’s approach. They recommended that Trump use the slogan “Make the Americas Great Again” as a way to promote an ideal view of this hemisphere under Trump’s leadership.

A second suggestion offered by missionaries during previously undisclosed meetings was that the family seriously consider the blessings of the gospel and how it might impact their lives eternally. The missionaries asked Trump’s children, “don’t you want to be with your family forever?” Missionaries seemed surprised when the Trump children were less than excited about this prospect. 

“It’s hard to know what these new revelations will mean, in the long run,” said one Republican operative. “Who knows how quickly Jason Chaffetz will use this to convince Republicans like Mitt Romney of Trump’s fitness for office.” Another strategist wondered aloud about the possibility of Jon McNaughton painting Trump as a modern Jesus whose border wall will somehow unite everyone!”

Monday, July 10, 2017

INTENSE SPECULATION OVER THREE BOOK OF MORMON THEMED OVERWATCH HEROES

Yep, pretty much an
Overwatch hero already!
Irvine, CA—Reddit message boards have exploded in recent days with news of three Book of Mormon themed Overwatch heroes that will be introduced in the coming weeks.

“Looks like Ammon 4 sure” said Reddit poster Kolob_map_1995 on a recent discussion. This comment seems to back up the widely rumored notion that Overwatch will introduce an Ammon hero to its game. Speculation is rampant that an Ammon hero would specialize, of course, in dismembering heroes like Reinhardt or Torbj√∂rn. Ammon’s ultimate is rumored to include a sling for killing lead opposing heroes and the ability to politely reject marriage offers of daughters of opposing heroes.

In addition to Ammon, Overwatch message boards have been abuzz with stories about a Captain Moroni hero. This hero, again according to thus far unacknowledged reports, will build defensive mounds in key locations. Other abilities would include assembling and motivating team members with an ultimate that would create a large banner under which all team mates could assemble. Reports of his ability to write rather long, counter-productive epistles to opposing teams have been largely rejected.

One reddit poster, Morms_at_Blizrd, commented: “Nephi half done,” which seems to indicate that the first hero might be inspired by the man who is arguably the Book of Mormon’s first hero, Nephi. Leaked gameplay seems to show Nephi using his decapitation and disguise ultimate as well as a zap or shock feature for teammates that are AFK.

When asked about speculation that stateside missionaries would be able to play Overwatch using only Book of Mormon themed heroes as part of proselyting efforts, Church spokesperson Chantelle Mocks said “though I cannot comment on it, this is something we may be piloting in the next few years in the Quito Ecuador mission.” She continued, “we have some especially strong missionaries and Overwatch players there.” 

Monday, July 3, 2017

IN SPITE OF PRAYER, DOUBLE FUDGE BROWNIE SUNDAE SOMEHOW FAILS TO NOURISH OR STRENGTHEN

How could this fail to nourish and/or strengthen?
Murray, UT—Against all expectations and in spite of prayerful petition, sources have informed that Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the double fudge brownie sundaes served as refreshments after a Young Women’s activity somehow failed to either nourish or strengthen anyone who partook.

“Well, I have to say that this is really pretty shocking, you know, to me,” said Kaleena Wright, a 15 year-old Miamaid in the Murray West 14th Ward’s Young Women program. Sister Wright said that “I don’t know how, you know, this one time God didn’t really answer a prayer.” She then added, “it does make you wonder if He blessed the cupcakes, the Oreos, or even the mints!”

Others were just as surprised that the formulaic, perfunctory prayer failed to have any efficacy in spite of “most girls having their eyes closed” and “Aymee saying the prayer,” who, by all accounts, “is the most spiritual girl in the group!”

Consternation over the unsuccessful prayer was such that some feared traveling home, concerned that “some harm or accident” may indeed befall them.