Monday, October 16, 2017

AARON RODGERS, SECRET MORMON, REDEDICATES HIMSELF TO ATTENDING CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY

Rodger's Vision Like Paul's,
except with Anthony Barr
instead of the horse or whatnot,
and Rodgers couldn't lift arm
Green Bay, WI—In news that is both surprising and faith-inspiring, word came out this morning that insurance advertiser and athlete Aaron Rodgers has been a member of the Mormon church for the last two years. While that news came as quite a shock for many people, it was quickly followed up by the news that Brother Rodgers has decided to make Sunday church attendance his “highest priority” for “at least the foreseeable future.”

In talking about his decision, Brother Rodgers explained that “I was at work, and there I had an experience somewhat like that of the apostle Paul.” He elaborated that “like Paul, I felt suddenly thrown to the ground, and there the inspiration came to me, strongly, that God didn’t want me working on Sunday—He wanted me in church!”

Many of the people on Brother Rodgers’ team expressed concern about their success without his help. Brother Rodgers said that he too was concerned, especially about some weekend projects this fall and winter that he’d miss out on, but, in his words, “the Lord made it clear that, whether my calling is in Young Mens or Primary, church is where God needs me to put my shoulder to the wheel!” 

THIS


Monday, October 9, 2017

CHURCH ANNOUCES “ALWAYS FAITHFUL” RINGS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

Prototype of New Always Faithful Ring
Salt Lake City, UT—An almost breathless-with-excitement Church spokesperson Ken Kramer announced this morning the new “Always Faithful” rings for Young Men and Young Women.

“Where the Choose the Right rings remind children about keeping the commandments,” explained Kramer, “these new ‘Always Faithful’ rings will be a way to show the enthusiasm young people have for the gospel.

Kramer elaborated that “Always Faithful” will be “like those hashtag things that are such a hit with the young people nowadays.” As an example, Kramer said, “we envision young people talking about General Conference and saying—‘I loved for General Conference—I’m excited!’ and then flashing their ‘Always Faithful’ rings!”

When asked for other examples, Kramer said, “Nephi was obedient—AF,” “Sharing the Gospel is fun—AF” and “I can be sexually pure—AF.”

The new “Always Faithful” rings seem to be the brainchild of senior church officials. Kramer said that when the idea was initially presented to young people, “they seemed a little confused at first, but then they caught the vision of this new program and even seemed to laugh for joy at this new testimony tool!”

When she was asked about how popular the “Always Faithful” rings might be, one young woman said, “well, all I can say is that when it comes to these rings, I’m happy—AF!”

Monday, September 25, 2017

MISSIONARY-MINDED AREA MAN CAN’T HELP SHARING GOSPEL WITH MISTRESS

Excellent accommodations for affairs/missionary work
Cedar Rapids, IA—When area man Benjamin Beck, age 38, started a relationship with Chicago waitress Heather Landau, age 28, he was not planning on it also being a chance for him to share the gospel. Beck, who is married, a father of three children, and an insurance claims agent, was not planning on telling Landau anything about his life back in Iowa, but his fiery missionary spirit could not be held back.

Beck only started talking about Mormonism after a chance comment during his third illicit encounter with Landau. Landau was getting dressed in Beck’s Courtyard by Marriott hotel room when she noticed the room’s copy of the Book of Mormon and said, “Oh, those Mormons don’t even believe in Jesus.” Beck, who had loved missionary work from when he was a child, felt like he could not let Landau’s misconception remain, so he timidly replied, “well, I heard that their official church name has Jesus in it, so they probably do believe in Him.” Landau merely shrugged at this suggestion, and then promptly winked at the law-of-chastity-breaking Elders Quorum secretary, flashed him a bit of buttock, and told him she’d see him next week.

Beck’s next gospel discussion with Landau came only a couple of weeks later. Landau and Beck were again at the hotel where Beck spends most of the week, returning on weekends to resume his (fraudulent) life as a “fairly reliable” home teacher and seemingly good example for his 12 and 11-year-old sons and 9-year-old daughter. After some unusually vigorous intercourse with Landau, Beck asked if something might be up. Landau confided in the man she “was just having some fun with” that not only was her mother’s health rapidly declining but she had lost a beloved cousin to leukemia just a few months before. The suddenly visibly distraught Landau concluded, “it all just seems so futile to love people and then to bury them, knowing you will never see them again.” For a second time Beck felt strongly that he could not let this go, so he tried to casually toss out, “well, you know those Mormons you mentioned a few weeks ago—I think that they actually believe family bonds and love can last forever. I think there are even some Youtube videos about it.” Not wanting to pursue this conversation for too long, Beck then distracted Landau by initiating sex for the fourth time in 24 hours.

At the same time that Beck was tearing through all of the promises he had made with God and the church, his mistress was finding more and more intriguing ideas from that same organization and God. Several hours spent watching Youtube videos led to many more questions for Landau. She did not know exactly who to ask until one evening when she and Beck were in the bath together, and she said that she sure wished she could talk to some “of those Mormons” about their beliefs. She distractedly mentioned her Youtube search and how many questions she had, not thinking the topic would interest Beck. Beck, though longing to answer all of her questions yet afraid to reveal how the life he was living with her was a betrayal of all he held true, suggested circuitously that “don’t those Mormons have people that walk around telling people about their church…I think they are called missionaries? They probably have a website you could use to meet them…or something…” Landau feigned disinterest, saying that she “might look into it.”

Within two months of this clandestine meeting, Landau started missing her weekly trysts with Beck, saying she “was not feeling well” or she “had to pick up an extra shift at work.” Beck, who had come to rely more heavily on the fleeting sexual pleasure he enjoyed with Landau to cover his soul’s rotting emptiness, became more and more anxious, restless, and then upset at Landau’s absence. When Beck finally confronted Landau at the restaurant where she worked and where they had met, an exasperated Landau confessed to Beck that she had been busy meeting with some “really awesome Mormon sister missionaries,” that she didn’t feel good about sneaking around with Beck, and that what she was learning was “somehow changing” her. Beck was so struck by the clash of contradictory emotions—intense sexual frustration, anger, betrayal, despair, and disappointment but at the same time immense joy for Landau—that he could not speak. Misinterpreting his sudden silence, Landau concluded, “who knows—maybe the Mormons could even help your family and maybe even you, because, honestly, you’ve kinda made a mess of your life!”

Unbeknownst to either at the time, this would be the last time Landau and Beck would ever see each other, though many years later Landau and Beck’s then ex-wife would, by chance, be in the same Illinois stake conference. Beck, for his part, would lose his family and church membership but would retain the copy of the Book of Mormon he picked up in the Chicago Courtyard by Marriott hotel, a book he keeps with him in the place where he now lives—a van by the river.  


Monday, August 14, 2017

MORMONS PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE WHITE SUPREMACISTS

They would probably all agree that it is a good idea
to avoid white supremacy
Commentary by Jonathan Slowe

Recently there was a march of white supremacists in Virginia, and it got me thinking about how Mormons probably should not be white supremacists, well, at least not anymore.

White supremacists believe that white people are born better than non-white people. They believe that white people are “supreme” in intelligence, virtue, morality, ability, and culture. Brown people or black people or yellow people might be good at a few things like sports or math, but in all of the stuff that really matters, white people have always been the best and are just born better. What group has the highest percentage of people in the most powerful government, religious, business, and culture jobs? White people! What groups have the highest percentage of people on welfare, in poverty, in jail, or in poor countries? Non-white people! The math is pretty simple, so it could be easy for Mormons to agree with white supremacists that whites are supreme.

Still, it is not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. This is because it could get in the way of doing missionary work. If the people you are teaching think that you think you are better than them because your culture is better, more intelligent, harder working, more virtuous and more upright than theirs, then they might not join. Of course if you are superior then your goal could be to help them be as good as they can get, within limits, even if they can’t really keep up or stay active in the church like white people can. But still, it is probably not a good idea.

It is also not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists because that would look bad for the church. Back in the day it was widely socially accepted to see non-whites as inferior. In the past Mormons used the same arguments used by other white supremacists to explain why Blacks could not have the priesthood, could not go to the temple, and could not be sealed together as families. That was okay back then, but it is really socially frowned upon now. In fact, it seems like some church leader said that all of those explanations were not right, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the prophet. I am also pretty sure that whoever said that didn’t say it in Conference, and of course there would not be a reason to apologize for having the same ideas as other whites back then. You are probably not going to get excommunicated if you happen to slip up and say that stuff, but it just isn’t a good idea.

Some people go way overboard with “political correctness” (which is of the devil) and almost make it seem sinful to be a white supremacist. Mormons should not go off the deep end like that; moderation in all things! Crazy extremists have bizarre ideas about history and claim that colonies, the treatment of Indians, and slavery all go back to this white supremacy stuff. Wackos even say that the weapons, brutality, coercion, corrupt laws, racist law enforcement, economic and educational manipulation, denial of voting rights, and lynchings by white people put them in power, and that inequalities we see today come from the abuses in the past. But that cannot be true, and if all that stuff were really true, we would probably hear differently at church or at least at church schools like BYU. This is all extremist “social justice warrior” nonsense, and for the real truth about history, politics, and economics, all you have to do is take BYU’s American Heritage class, a class about truth, culture, virtue, and goodness. 

As is clear from the Book of Mormon, being righteous, hardworking, and prospering in the land because of your righteousness is God’s way of blessing His pure and delightsome people. Even though He curses evil, lazy, savage people from time-to-time with dark skin, and even though poor, lazy, drug-addicted, and lawless people today so often have dark or at least not white skin, it is still probably not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. We should probably love everyone like Jesus did.

Update: sorry, looks like I was wrong.

Monday, August 7, 2017

LOST MANUSCRIPT FOUND IN MARTIN HARRIS COUCH

Harris' House Keys also Found in the Couch
Salt Lake City UT—“We have found the lost 116 manuscript pages!” announced a euphoric church spokesperson Danielle Forester over the weekend. “This is truly a blessed day for Saints and for all who love the Book of Mormon,” said the spokesperson who could barely contain her excitement.

When asked about how the Book of Lehi manuscript was found, Forester explained that some years ago the church had acquired furnishings from the home where Martin Harris lived at the time of the Book of Mormon’s translation. Forester continued that “when church historian Marvis P. Parshant was involved in her normal, very thorough analysis, she noticed what looked like papers stuck under the couch cushions.” Parshant carefully removed the couch cushions finding, to her great astonishment, the 116 manuscript pages.

“I just could not believe it when I saw it” said an elated Parshant about the discovery. The historian continued, “here, for all this time we thought that they had been stolen, you know, probably by his wife, but what the evidence seems to point towards now is that Harris was reading the manuscript, probably late at night, and after he fell asleep it fell between the cushions and got lost.”

The manuscript wasn’t Parshant’s only find. Digging deeper into the couch, she also found Martin Harris’ house keys and the reins to his horse.

Monday, July 31, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: BE OF ONE HEART AND ONE MIND

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Yes, I know I used it before, but it still works!
Let’s face it—lots of new missionaries feel uncomfortable with the adjustment to mission life. Before the mission, they had a first name; now they are elder, or, if they happen to be a girl, sister. But the gospel clearly shows us that the desire to be individuals, or worse, to be different from others, is one of Satan’s tools to drag us carefully down to hell. Since being just like everyone else is an eternal truth that everyone who is righteous automatically accepts, today’s mini lesson is about how to be of one heart and one mind in the mission.

Some missionaries don’t understand the eternal, celestial truth behind the idea of being of one heart and one mind. It doesn’t just mean being dedicated to the Lord or loving others. It certainly doesn’t mean being different, or worse, enjoying differences. No! Being of one heart and one mind means thinking, acting, believing, and doing exactly what everyone else does. The right shape or form that you should take is the one form or shape God dictates for all. God only truly loves us and uses us when we take that shape or form—when we conform!

This eternal, celestial truth trips up many missionaries. They willingly think, act, or even believe differently than others. These differences cause confusion, conflict, and contention, which we all know are of the devil. God loves a smooth, happy, easy, calm, peaceful group where there are no thorny differences. Satan wants us to be different so he can create challenges, conflicts, contention, and risks. Nothing gets in the way of God’s work more than challenges, conflicts, contention, differences, and risks! That is just the truth.

Satan sometimes sneaks into a missionary’s heart with half-truths or all-out lies. He may say things like “prove all things and hold fast to that which is good.” He perverts Paul’s ideas with lies like “the church is like the body of Christ with lots of different and valuable parts so we should value and admire individual differences.” He whispers seductive falsehoods like “God loves you as an individual and that is why all ordinances are done for individuals and not groups.” Oh the subtle craftiness of the evil one! Satan may even try to tempt us into believing that challenges, risks, differences of opinion, and doubts can be the very obstacles that create faith or that those things actually help us develop true compassion and love. Don’t be fooled! God has given us leaders and the general group of the church so that we can easily conform. Being like everyone else in the church is like peacefully, effortlessly falling into a large, slow river. You should have allowed your individual self to drown in that river of easy conformity when you made your baptismal covenants and the individual self died! Missionaries of all people should give up the natural, individual man to become a saint with celestial sameness. Having the same views, same beliefs, same opinions, same tastes, and doing the same things as everyone else in the mission or in the church is the only way to make sure you are on the straight and narrow path with everyone else.

Blessed, certain, and strong will be the day when every missionary not only looks like every other missionary, but when they all think, act, and believe just like everyone else in pure and celestial conformity!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

Monday, July 24, 2017

BESIDES RUSSIANS, TRUMP FAMILY MEMBERS ALSO HAD CONTACT WITH MORMON MISSIONARIES

Mock-up of LDS Trump Poster
Washington, DC—Hot on the heels of recent revelations about contacts between the Trump campaign and the Russians come reports that Mormon missionaries also contacted and attempted to influence Trump family members and his campaign. 

The most damning reports about contacts between Mormon missionaries involve communications between those representatives and some of Donald Trump’s lesser-known children. While Donald Trump Jr. was in contact with the Russians, his sisters Tiffany, LaToya, and Janet, and brothers Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Randy were meeting clandestinely with several sets of Mormon missionaries to discuss strategy and salvation.

Three sources with direct knowledge of those meetings who spoke on conditions of anonymity confirmed to the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the missionaries presented several compelling proposals. One proposal was that the Trump campaign use a picture of Jesus and his post-resurrection appearance in the Americas to alter slightly candidate Trump’s approach. They recommended that Trump use the slogan “Make the Americas Great Again” as a way to promote an ideal view of this hemisphere under Trump’s leadership.

A second suggestion offered by missionaries during previously undisclosed meetings was that the family seriously consider the blessings of the gospel and how it might impact their lives eternally. The missionaries asked Trump’s children, “don’t you want to be with your family forever?” Missionaries seemed surprised when the Trump children were less than excited about this prospect. 

“It’s hard to know what these new revelations will mean, in the long run,” said one Republican operative. “Who knows how quickly Jason Chaffetz will use this to convince Republicans like Mitt Romney of Trump’s fitness for office.” Another strategist wondered aloud about the possibility of Jon McNaughton painting Trump as a modern Jesus whose border wall will somehow unite everyone!”

Monday, July 10, 2017

INTENSE SPECULATION OVER THREE BOOK OF MORMON THEMED OVERWATCH HEROES

Yep, pretty much an
Overwatch hero already!
Irvine, CA—Reddit message boards have exploded in recent days with news of three Book of Mormon themed Overwatch heroes that will be introduced in the coming weeks.

“Looks like Ammon 4 sure” said Reddit poster Kolob_map_1995 on a recent discussion. This comment seems to back up the widely rumored notion that Overwatch will introduce an Ammon hero to its game. Speculation is rampant that an Ammon hero would specialize, of course, in dismembering heroes like Reinhardt or Torbjörn. Ammon’s ultimate is rumored to include a sling for killing lead opposing heroes and the ability to politely reject marriage offers of daughters of opposing heroes.

In addition to Ammon, Overwatch message boards have been abuzz with stories about a Captain Moroni hero. This hero, again according to thus far unacknowledged reports, will build defensive mounds in key locations. Other abilities would include assembling and motivating team members with an ultimate that would create a large banner under which all team mates could assemble. Reports of his ability to write rather long, counter-productive epistles to opposing teams have been largely rejected.

One reddit poster, Morms_at_Blizrd, commented: “Nephi half done,” which seems to indicate that the first hero might be inspired by the man who is arguably the Book of Mormon’s first hero, Nephi. Leaked gameplay seems to show Nephi using his decapitation and disguise ultimate as well as a zap or shock feature for teammates that are AFK.

When asked about speculation that stateside missionaries would be able to play Overwatch using only Book of Mormon themed heroes as part of proselyting efforts, Church spokesperson Chantelle Mocks said “though I cannot comment on it, this is something we may be piloting in the next few years in the Quito Ecuador mission.” She continued, “we have some especially strong missionaries and Overwatch players there.” 

Monday, July 3, 2017

IN SPITE OF PRAYER, DOUBLE FUDGE BROWNIE SUNDAE SOMEHOW FAILS TO NOURISH OR STRENGTHEN

How could this fail to nourish and/or strengthen?
Murray, UT—Against all expectations and in spite of prayerful petition, sources have informed that Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the double fudge brownie sundaes served as refreshments after a Young Women’s activity somehow failed to either nourish or strengthen anyone who partook.

“Well, I have to say that this is really pretty shocking, you know, to me,” said Kaleena Wright, a 15 year-old Miamaid in the Murray West 14th Ward’s Young Women program. Sister Wright said that “I don’t know how, you know, this one time God didn’t really answer a prayer.” She then added, “it does make you wonder if He blessed the cupcakes, the Oreos, or even the mints!”

Others were just as surprised that the formulaic, perfunctory prayer failed to have any efficacy in spite of “most girls having their eyes closed” and “Aymee saying the prayer,” who, by all accounts, “is the most spiritual girl in the group!”

Consternation over the unsuccessful prayer was such that some feared traveling home, concerned that “some harm or accident” may indeed befall them.

Monday, June 12, 2017

HUGE PHOTO LINES AT SALT LAKE TEMPLE CAUSED BY FOUR BRIDE PILEUP

Like this, but with brides and people
Salt Lake City, UT—Last Saturday morning lines of family and well-wishers wrapped nearly all the way around the Salt Lake temple, causing delays of more than an hour for some. The longer than usual backups were apparently triggered by an early morning four bride pileup.

“People just don’t seem to be moving at all” reported the KSL Eye-in-the-Sky Temple Traffic Copter over the weekend. Helicopter reporter Rip Jorgenson told listeners to the temple traffic update that “we are used to 20 to 25 minute delays between the entrance and ornamental exterior doors, but today bridesmaids and mission buddy groomsmen are looking at 60 to 75 minute waits.”

Salt Lake Temple Wedding Picture Transit Authority (SLTWPTA) personnel explained that the four bride pile up was caused by “a perfect post-temple sealing photography storm.” Explained one official, “well, the first bride involved was delayed in getting out for pictures because she had to redo her hair and makeup twice, and the second bride…well…let’s just say she ‘had a moment’ before she was ready to go out and join her family.” These delays were then compounded when the third bride was moving at a regular, normal pace, but the fourth was moving at a rate much higher than normal. “Yah, that fourth bride,” continued a SLTWPTA source, “was pretty much racing to get out for pictures!”

The resulting four bride pileup was a horrific collision of wedding gown trains, mothers-of-the-bride, helpless new husbands, and tears that took emergency responders quite some time to untangle. “It is usual for us to have, you know, a few brides moving slowly with others right on their tails, but this was huge, and especially on a Saturday,” exclaim an SLTWPTA official.

The delays impacted everyone, people who were already overdressed and uncomfortable. Reports circulated of many impatient siblings already bored with “playing on the Ipad,” uncles using the time to tell unfunny jokes or stories of dubious appropriateness, and a number of grandmothers who “are just going to go sit over here and wait and you can come and get (them) when its time.”

A sister of one of the brides involved in the backup was heard to say, “wow, look at this mayhem—thank goodness I’m getting married in the Fort Collins Temple—no photo traffic headaches there!”

Monday, June 5, 2017

GOD SOMEHOW NEVER TIRES OF PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO WITH HUMANS

Like this, but with God
Heaven—Reports from the Celestial Kingdom indicate that even after millions upon millions of people in worlds without end, God still thoroughly enjoys playing peek-a-boo with pretty much all of His children.

“Yah, He just never seems to tire of hiding and hiding and then suddenly appearing in the lives of mortals,” said one angelic source.

“I’ve got to say,” said another source, “that sometimes it can seem a little mean.” This heavenly source went to explain that “that thing He did with Abraham, you know, and his son Isaac, and then just at the last moment He jumped out and was like ‘JK—here’s a ram instead.’” 

The angel clarified that “of course it isn’t just for fun, I mean, Abraham learned about God and God’s sacrifice.” The angel stated that Abraham learned trust, and that “even though you can’t see God does not mean He is gone forever—the same thing that little kids learn when humans play peek-a-boo with them.”

“Let me say that a really memorable game,” continued an angel, “was the one God playing with C.S. Lewis—I mean that man was so taken by all of it that he wrote a book about it called Surprised by Joy.”

A final source noted that “I think one of the best parts is hearing both humans and God laugh when He surprises them—we just all smile at that. Sometimes it is a long wait, but that laugh is totally worth it!” 

Monday, April 24, 2017

CLERICAL ERROR INVOLVING JUSTICE, MERCY CAUSES GOD TO CEASE TO BE GOD

Heaven—An apparent clerical error involving justice and mercy has caused God to cease to be God.

“Well, we have some new paralegals, you know, people with only a few centuries of experience” said a source close to He who used to be the God of All Creation. The source continued that “it looks like one of those new paralegals miscalculated the debt incurred by the sins of some mortal clients.” 

The source continued that the same employee seems to have then “failed to properly suspend the account or properly allocate absolution from the Atonement.” This mistake was subsequently compounded when the novice assistant allowed “mercy to cover the liability” which “of course, amounted to a misappropriation on mercy’s part for a debt still demanded by justice.”

Another source close to the case indicated that “simultaneous with this clerical mishandling came the immediate forfeiture of divine authority.”

A third source indicated that “it’s going to take a few millennia to get it all sorted out,” but the source reassured the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that “by then everything should be back to normal.” The source further explained that “previous and future claims duly satisfying both mercy and justice will not be affected by this clerical error.”

When reporters from Zion’s finest news source asked what this will mean in practical terms in the lives of mortal humans, the source clarified that, “as ‘time’ is merely a convenient illusion given to secure agency for mortals, no mortals will actually experience even a ‘temporary’ lack of God.”

Monday, April 17, 2017

MIDDLE-AGED AREA COUPLE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH HYPOCRISY

Is the mask hiding who I really am
or showing who I aspire to be?
Arlington, TX—Area couple in their mid-40s James and Laura Alvarez are finding that they are much more comfortable with hypocrisy than they had been at other points in their lives.

“I know that when I was a teenager,” said Laura, “finding out about a church leader with a Word of Wisdom problem or about a bishop who sometimes cussed was appalling to me.” She continued, “but now, I have to say that it just isn’t a big deal anymore.”

Brother Alvarez echoed his wife’s sentiments, adding that “as a missionary or even in my twenties, I just expected so much of everyone, especially older members.” He recalled how he “seriously questioned the church when I found out that a then current member of the stake High Council confessed to having an affair.”

Both James and Laura were quick to point out that they don’t think that those things are okay. Said Brother Alvarez, “what that church leader did was devastating to his family, his ward, and so many people, but, I don’t know, now I can see that living like you want to live doesn’t just happen automatically when you get to a certain age or have a certain church responsibility.”

Sister Alvarez developed this same point when she said that “well, what I see now is that all of us find it difficult if not impossible to live up to the high standards and ideals that we believe.” She elaborated that “we all see a level of goodness, obedience, or purity we would like to achieve, but we also, especially as we get older, see how much we fall short.”

“Honestly it was really, really discouraging for a long time,” added Brother Alvarez. “It is hard to believe that the Lord would give a commandment without giving you a way to immediately fulfill it, but, sadly, that just seems to be the way people are.”

The Alvarezes reported that their teenage children are still “shocked when some respected member of the church falls so painfully short,” but, they added, “we’re guessing that over time they will also have much less of a problem with hypocrisy.” Concluded Sister Alvarez, “I’m not sure if it is a matter of lowering your standards or just learning some patience.”

Monday, April 10, 2017

LOCAL USER OF PHRASE “FREE AGENCY,” YOUNG EARTH BELIEVER SOMEHOW STILL GOING TO CELESTIAL KINGDOM

Pathetic Approximation of Actual Mansion
God Currently Preparing for Condie
Rigby, ID—Area man Bart Condie, someone who still uses the phrase “free agency” and believes that the earth is around 6,000 years old, is somehow still going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom.

“It’s pretty shocking to lots of people,” reports an angel familiar with the case who asked not to be identified, “since, you know, Brother Condie believes that different races come from God’s multiple wives and that masturbation is very close to murder.” The angel explained that “lots just think that his ideas are so backwards that he’ll just end up in that middle kingdom, but nope!”

The source further explained that Condie’s exaltation into the highest level of glory “is clearly in his future, in spite of the fact that he still questions interracial marriage, believes all women would be happier as stay-at-home moms, voted for Trump, and is firmly convinced that Moses himself wrote the first five books of the Bible.”

At the top of the list of those who would be surprised by the mansion God is currently creating for Condie in the celestial kingdom are his daughter and son-in-law, graduates of [university name redacted] and [graduate school name redacted], both of whom would disagree with Brother Condie on these and many, many other scriptural, theological, and cultural views. When asked about the final spiritual status of Condie’s daughter and son-in-law, the angel mumbled something about tinkling cymbals but then stated flatly: “no comment.”

Monday, April 3, 2017

PROVO OFFICIALS COMPLAIN ABOUT SMOKE FROM MTC 7-9 HOUR WEEKLY CONTROL BURN OF DEAR JOHN LETTERS

Drum for Chemical Weapons/Dear John Letters
Provo, UT—Provo city officials lodged a formal complaint against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over the church’s weekly 7-9 hour controlled burn of Dear John letters. The complaint cited air quality concerns over the smoke and other contaminants “from thousands of letters, postcards, and packages ending romantic relationships between missionaries and those they have left behind.”

While the church has the necessary permits for the controlled burns, the city would like some of them to be conducted elsewhere. “We understand,” said the complaint, “that these letters often contain photographs and mementos of the terminated relationships, generating hundreds of cubic tons of waste that only weighs down and distracts elders and sisters,” but city officials found that the smoke “was making Utah county look like Salt Lake.” 

One solution that has recently floated around church headquarters, according to inside sources, is that all Dear John letters sent to any of the church’s global MTC facilities as well as individual missionaries would be collected, housed, and finally destroyed, along with other chemical weapons, at the Tooele Chemical Agent Disposal Facility in Tooele, Utah.

Monday, March 27, 2017

INHERENTLY SPIRITUALLY SUPERIOR AREA WOMAN SOMEHOW STILL A BAD COOK

Macaroni and Cheese that, despite Spiritual Superiority,
Area Woman Just Cannot Seem to Make 
Mesa, AZ—Area woman Elizabeth Watts, in spite of being, as a woman, inherently spiritually superior to men, including her husband, is still, somehow, a bad cook.

“Just the other day, I heard from the podium again,” said Watts, “the women are inherently closer to God and more spiritual than men, but somehow I still can’t get homemade macaroni and cheese right!” After noting this flaw, Watt’s exclaimed, “honestly, what is wrong with me?!”

Sister Watts’ husband, Clay, who is a member of the local stake’s High Council, regularly comments in his talks on his wife’s inherent spiritual superiority. In a recent address to a visiting ward, Brother Watts laughing noted that he has spent his life riding his “wife’s coattails, or maybe I should say skirttails!” (Note: apparently he either believes that skirts have tails or he thought that riding his wife’s skirt sounded both weird and vaguely creepy. It should also be noted that some in the congregation laughed merely at the awkwardness of his wording.)

Sister Watts has often felt uneasy with her inherent spiritual superiority. While it does help her understand why she does not need the priesthood, she still finds it difficult to meet all of the demands that she feels her church membership places on women. “The added emphasis on how I’m inherently spiritually superior, well, I’m not sure it helps all of the time,” explained Watts.

The Watts’ teenage daughter Caiden has also started to feel both the pressure and her own inadequacy in the face of inherent spiritual superiority. “I know that I’m just more spiritual than the young men around me,” pointed out Caiden, “but, if you promise not to tell my parents, I have to admit that it seems like sometimes I want to have sex just as badly as the boys do!” The young Sister Watts then clarified, using an automotive metaphor, that “sometimes it is hard being more spiritual, since that means I always have to be the brakes while boys are just the gas!”  

Monday, March 20, 2017

AREA WOMAN PERFECTS ART OF USING CHURCH TO AVOID GOD

So, who is this prayer really...to...or...for?
Midvale, UT—Area woman Janet Lands has, after years of practice, perfected that art of using her Mormon beliefs and practices to avoid God entirely.

“Well, what we see,” explained a ministering angel familiar with the case “is a woman who has faithfully fulfilled all of her assignments in order to keep herself so busy and frenzied that she can crowd out the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, especially any promptings about her daughter Maggie.”

Others from the world of spirits who did not want to be named confirmed this assessment, adding that “Lands consistently uses her more than weekly evening temple attendance to avoid both her husband and God’s subtle warnings about the turn her marriage is taking.”

Lands’ use of Mormonism to avoid God comes as little surprise to other spirit world observers. Said one, “honestly, it is just a lot easier to keep a lot of rules and claim a lot of beliefs instead of doing the hard work of actually listening to God, you know, of taking those kinds of risks.” The same observer then added, “and when you get praised for one while the other is invisible, then that just compounds it.”

“What we so often see in people like Lands” interjected another unnamed non-mortal source, “is that when the emptiness of their spirituality starts to dawn on them, lots just look for a pill, a diet, an exercise plan, or a brownie instead of looking at this as a challenge to develop a stronger, deeper faith.”

When Lands was recently called to a high visibility church calling, spirit world observers cautioned that “sure, this might get her to humbly yearn for and attend to God, or it might just give her some sort of false confirmation that what she’s doing is A-okay!”

Monday, March 13, 2017

CHILDREN PLAYING IN LIVING ROOM UPDATE: CONFLICT OVER EXACT RULES TO “THE FLOOR IS LAVA”

Stock Photo
(Arnold Friberg not available
for truer artistic rendition)
Living Room—What started as a fun game for Meaghan (5), Jane (5), and Eli (4) erupted in conflict around the rules of “The Floor is Lava.”

The game, where players imagine the floor to be lava that participants must avoid while simultaneously pushing others in, started pleasantly enough. What sparked the initial conflict was Meaghan’s foot dragging across the carpet. When Jane and Eli proclaimed her “out,” Meaghan replied that she didn’t fall in. This gave rise to a long debate over whether one could be effected by merely touching the lava, by only being sprinkled with it, or whether total immersion was essential.

Meaghan asserted that, since her older brother Patrick had taught her “the real way” to play, she knew the actual rules. Meaghan and, indirectly, Patrick’s authority were then roundly questioned.

Official rules, rule-making authority, lava sprinkling versus immersion were not the only conflicts that marred what would have otherwise been enjoyable time together. Eli boldly proclaimed that Matt (8 months), a baby who only recently began to crawl, was out. Jane, who is fiercely protective of Matt, retorted that Matt doesn’t even know that the floor is lava and therefore cannot be out. Eli pointed out that even without knowing he was in lava, Matt was, as was obvious to everyone, in lava, and therefore out. This point of conflict further divided the children.

The disagreements grew to such a conflictive pitch that adults had to separate them and then direct the children toward other activities. Nevertheless, the kids remained angry, and at press time it is still unclear if any would be willing to return to the once enjoyable activity or if the conflict might ruin the game forever.


Monday, February 27, 2017

NEW 8 VOLUME SET EXAMINES WRITINGS OF BOOK OF MORMON AUTHOR CHEMISH

Just like this, except, you know, about Chemish
Salt Lake City, UT—The Mormon church, Deseret Book, and the Neal A. Maxwell Institute for Religious Scholarship today announced the publication of an eight volume examination of the writings of the Book of Mormon author Chemish.

“Thankfully, the time has finally come,” explained Clair Hodgkins, “when scholars, theologians, and spiritual people everywhere are really appreciating the amazing insights Chemish offered with a mere sixty-nine words in the middle of the book of Omni!”

Hodgkins is not alone in her enthusiasm for the project. Theologian Spencer Jones added, “we will now have a truly deep, thorough reading of Chemish,” to which he added, “great are the (less than seventy) words of Chemish.”

The eight volume set includes two tomes of scholarly essays from the recent, three-week conference “Chemish: Writer, Keeper of Records, Watcher of Brother” held at Brigham Young University. The set also includes two books of exegesis, a concordance and critical bibliography, an index, a volume that includes replicas of the original Book of Mormon manuscript page and its publication history, and a book-length discussion of Chemish’s critical reception from the early 1800s to the present.

When asked to compare this scholarly project with others like the Joseph Smith Papers, Deseret Book spokesperson Jennifer Webster said, “well, there really is not a lot of comparison, I mean sure Joseph Smith had some insights, and not to take away from him, but how can you really compare Joseph with the power and economy of the words of an ancient scribe/sibling like Chemish?”

The set is priced at $287.95, but, as with all materials from Deseret Book or the Maxwell Institute, the purchase is tithing-deductible.  

Monday, February 20, 2017

BRIDE’S “FRIEND” POOR CHOICE FOR RECEPTION DJ

John Legand: Yes, but All of Me,
Not Used to Love U!
Twin Falls, ID—Sarah Walburn was sure that her long-time “friend,” Wes Mandell, would be an excellent DJ for her recent wedding reception. Sarah was sadly mistaken.

“Wes and I have been best buds since Primary,” said Walburn, “and I know he’s really into music, you know, since he’s made me so many mix tapes over the years, so I thought he’d be perfect to play music at my reception.”

Walburn had a list of songs for Mandell to play, but, according to Mandell, “those songs really didn’t capture this…moment.” Mandell explained that, “I love her choice of Ed Sheeran but ‘Thinking Out Loud’ is not as good as ‘Photograph,’ especially those first lines about how loving can hurt.”

Ed Sheeran wasn’t the only song that Mandell changed. Walburn planned on having Sara Bareilles’ song “I Choose You” play during the cake cutting, but instead Mandell played another Sara Bareillis song: “She Used To Be Mine.”

“Well, the worst part I’d say,” concluded Walburn, “was during the couple dance when he was supposed to play John Legand’s ‘All of Me,’ but for some reason he played John Legand’s ‘Used to Love U.’ I’m sure it was some kind of mistake, but it was...awkward!”

For his part, Mandell said that he has always valued Sarah, “you know, as a ‘friend’,” but that his choice of quietly playing Bonnie Raitt’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me” throughout most of the reception “communicated something everyone really needed to understand.”

Monday, February 13, 2017

RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS INADVERTENTLY, ENTHUSIASTICALLY WORK OUT TO ABSOLUTELY FILTHY POP SONG

Image from the music video for a song
the sisters do not understand
Layton, UT—Sisters from the Layton South 4th Ward had a wonderful time working out on exercise bikes, pumping their legs to the infectious rhythm of a pop song with utterly filthy lyrical content.

“Oh yah, I just love that song,” said Sister Alyssa Wahl, second counselor in the Relief Society Presidency, activity organizer, and DJ. “I heard it on the radio and knew it would be super fun.”

The song in question, Ariana Grande’s “Side to Side,” describes how the narrator’s clandestine sexual encounters have been so vigorous as to leave her unable to walk straight. This impaired condition gives rise to the song’s title’s complaint of walking “side to side.” In addition, the sexual encounters, which seem to happen “all day” and “all night,” are with a man disapproved of by the narrator’s friends.

The LDS sisters were largely oblivious to how the song’s narrator acknowledges that the sexual encounters allow both partners to not think about anything, including, one assumes, the physical or moral implications of their energetic sexual get-togethers. The sisters seemed equally unaware that the narrator acknowledges her attraction to the man as a temptation, going so far as to call her relationship a “deal with the devil.”

Far from objecting to the song and its sexual content, content which stands in just about the starkest contrast with what one would believe to be these Mormon women’s ideals, many of the sisters cheered when it started.

“Yah, I saw the music video on Youtube,” said one sister, “and it was cool to see them on exercise bikes.” This sister’s comments reinforced her obliviousness to how Nicki Minaj’s rap portion of the song refers to bicycles in a highly sexualized manner.

The song’s sexually explicit content was not lost on all of those in attendance. As Sister Wahl noted, “my younger sister came to the activity, and she said that I might not want to play that song again because it might not be appropriate.” In response to her sister’s concern, Wahl said that if anyone said anything about it, she would put on something that was “a little old-school,” something “safe and appropriate” that she was sure everyone would enjoy.

Her “safe and appropriate” backup selection was Rihanna’s “Shut Up and Drive.” 

Monday, February 6, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: WHY GOD ONLY LOVES THE PERFECTLY OBEDIENT

That tightening, claustrophobic feeling 
you get reading this, that is the iron rod!
With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men (oh, and girls go too!) for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Today’s lesson might be hard doctrine for some of you, but remember that the wicked take the truth to be hard (1 Nephi 16:2). You can be like those mediocre missionaries, but if you are not perfectly obedient, God will spew you out (Rev. 3:16). Let me put it to you another way: obedience brings blessings, but exact obedience brings miracles. Nothing will help you be more anxiously engaged in this divine work than the constant focus on being completely, flawlessly obedient.

The above truths should be clear to all true, faithful servants of God. Only the faithless, wicked, and people who have not fully repented of what was in their pre-mission browser history can fail to recognize and accept these eternal, celestial truths. We also know that God wants you to work miracles, and if working miracles depends upon exact obedience, how could you allow yourself to give anything less? Finally, keep this in mind: Jesus said that if you love Him you will keep His commandments. If keeping commandments is our primary way of showing God we love Him, how could God love us in return if we are not exactly, perfectly obedient? How should God feel if you miss an important missionary moment—a contact or lesson—because you had sinfully overslept by one minute or had an impure thought or cut thirty seconds short of your gospel study? Again, if you will accept the godly sorrow of your own guilt and let it work in your soul, you will see that God only truly loves miraculous, faithful, exact, and perfectly obedient missionaries.

The above truths are evident to God’s true servants, but some of you, the faithless and wicked, may have a hard time accepting them. You may say things like, “God loves us for who we are—His children,” or “God loves us in our imperfections—that is why we have a Savior.” You may be tempted to say that “the Holy Ghost seems to whisper peace to my soul about my best, imperfect, flawed efforts.” Oh what a wicked and perverse generation, who probably believes God inspires non-Mormons or that un-temple worthy people could be in the celestial kingdom with their family! God commanded us to be perfect (Matt. 5:48), He does not give a command without providing a way for us to do it (1 Nephi 3:7), blessings only come by exact obedience to unchanging laws (D&C 130:20-21), and God expects more of Mormons and even more of missionaries (D&C 82:3)! “Patience with imperfection” might be something God allows for sinful non-members who don’t yet know the truth, but missionaries must live the higher law, God’s higher standard.

Exact obedience is the most important quality missionaries should have. The only way missionaries can feel successful, can know that God loves them, and can be sure that they are acceptable to heaven is exact obedience. Everything else is just faithless, weak excuses!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

Monday, January 30, 2017

RELIEF SOCIETY ONE-UPS WOMEN’S MARCH

Who Needs to March When They Have the Relief Society?
In spite of the fact that the Women’s March assembled more than one million people in demonstrations around the United States and the world, all of those participants were reminded via posts on social media that the LDS Relief Society is better. Several posts that were shared hundreds of times spoke about how the Relief Society is the “longest-standing women’s organization in the world.” The posts proclaim the extensive service the group offers and assert that these women “march” twice a year to a meeting. While the posts often include a warm welcome to join, most also quietly affirm the organization’s superiority over the post-Inauguration march. Said one person who shared the post, “I love the Relief Society, I didn’t need to march, and my service leaves no place in my life for conflict, for questioning the status quo, for bad language, for playing the victim card, or the smug superiority of the marchers.” Another post exclaimed, “We humbly invite all to join a truly celestial movement!”

Monday, January 16, 2017

FACEBOOK COMMENTS SPUR MASSIVE CHANGES IN LDS CHURCH

After this is sold, it will be 
the Central Building in New Disney DC Theme Park
Salt Lake City, UT—Recent Facebook comments about stipends paid to church leaders have led to massive structural changes in the Mormon church.

“The Church is happy to announce,” said spokesperson Andrew Kanell, “that in response to comments on social media highlighting how the current church differs from the one in the Book of Mormon or the Jesus movement in the New Testament, the church is making massive changes to make it fit those distant cultural contexts.”

The most damning social media comments highlight how Jesus’ original disciples traveled and taught “without purse or scrip.” Even though those teachers worked in a culture that placed a very high priority on hospitality norms and the proper treatment of strangers, norms that are non-existent if not nonsensical now, the church has decided that every member must travel and teach without purse or script.

“The scriptures say it, and we know that God doesn’t change or add or modify His commands ever, ever, ever, so we are getting rid of the entire missionary program as it stands,” explained Kanell. “From now on, if a young person wishes to go on a mission, that person should find a wise patriarch, ask for a blessing and anointing, and then go wherever the Spirit leads.”

Kanell followed up with, “you know, how could that go wrong?”

Church leaders who were previously getting stipends to cover living expenses and travel will no longer receive them. Most will now travel by foot, when and where they can, preaching spontaneously and, one would expect, in a rather limited geographical range.

“The church is also divesting itself of all resources and infrastructure, all of which will be sold and the proceeds given to the poor,” continued Kanell. “As the church will dismantle its humanitarian program, there is no plan for how to give it to the poor, so we’ll just pass the money around to whatever poor people we happen to come across instead of the large-scale and systematic program we used previously.”

Kanell announced that with the selling of churches, bishop storehouses, temples, schools, universities, and all other “infrastructure that does not match what a traveling preacher encountered two thousand years ago,” the church will shift from a world-wide organization with manuals, meetings, books, translations, choirs, and congregations “to an individual-, home-, family-, or tribe-based, lose organization of believers who will quickly develop widely divergent practices, norms, standards, and eventually beliefs.”

“We thank the many Facebook commenters,” concluded Kanell, “for showing us the error of having a twentieth or twenty-first-century organization to meet modern needs and demands. God bless you for shaming us into the truth of our wicked ways and God bless us as we become a pre-industrial belief group!”

With those words, Kanell lost his job and asked reporters from Zion’s finest news source if he could eat with them tonight. 

Monday, January 9, 2017

ORIGINAL IDEA ACCIDENTLY INTRODUCED DURING SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON

Picture vaguely related to article found on interwebs
and inserted to make blogpost more interesting.
Mapleton, UT—The Mapleton North 32nd Ward’s Gospel Doctrine class experienced the tremendous shock of the accidental introduction of an original idea.

“So class was just going on, you know, regular, where the instructor asks a question we have heard a million times,” said class participant David Banks, “when all of the sudden, you know, right where we all expected that same answer, BAM!, suddenly there was a completely new thought.”

Banks was not alone in registering the trauma of a different perspective or concept in the place of tired, clichéd discussion commonplaces. Said Kaitlin Collins, “well, I just could not believe it…still can’t! It was just…so new!”

It was not just those in attendance who were completely thrown off guard by a new line of thinking. The instructor, Peter Erikson, said that “I tell you it just came out of nowhere…and honestly I had no idea how to respond to it!”

While the astonishment caused by the accident of an original idea has not worn off, the jolt was apparently so strong and disconcerting that no one can recall what the new idea was.

Monday, January 2, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: IS THE CHURCH RACIST?

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Believe it or not, sometimes people ask missionaries questions that just seem so obvious that you might not know what to say. Never fear. Here are some tips for dealing with what some missionaries erroneously call “tough questions.” These are all pretty easy when you think about it. Today’s question is:
Pure and Delightsome against Dark and Loathsome,
and clearly not racist!

Is the Church Racist?

First, “racist” is a very ugly term, and if people think that the church is racist then they might not join. That means it is very important to help them see that the fact that God loves His children enough to only give certain opportunities to some people and not to others based on the color of their skin (or their gender, or their marital status, or their sexual orientation) is God’s infinite wisdom knowing how to wisely discern (not “discriminate”) how to bless people. God’s ways are truly grand, majestic, eternal, and beyond anyone’s understanding!

Second, the Book of Mormon is not ever at all racist either—that is just the simple, pure, plain truth. At times in that sacred history God punished people with darker skin as a curse and to make sure that there would be not mixing between the pure people with the white skin and the sinful people with the dark skin. That marking is actually more spiritual than it is physical. In those verses, God simply used the physical to reveal the spiritual, that way what you see on the outside allows you to understand and judge quickly. To put it another way, you don’t have to spend a lot of time talking or finding out; you can pretty much make a pre-judgment right off the bat. In that way skin color is like a lighthouse, warning you from far about different people. That is divine efficiency!

Third, missionaries should defend every church policy, leader, and member as part of one large, unified Kingdom of God. As the only true church, everything about it is true. So when a popular BYU professor explains the past, God is using him and his round-about and spiritually-understood views to fulfill God’s purposes, and clearly that is not racist at all. At all.  

Finally, let us never forget the October, 2013 General Conference, when Elder Soares talked about an African saint named Brother Moses Mahlangu. That should be a lesson to all of us. Brother Mahlangu learned patience and meekness by not being allowed to be in church because of the color of his skin, just one more example of a perfect organization doing God’s perfect work!

Some missionaries might be tempted by Satan to not accept the truths presented above. Such missionaries might allow themselves to think that some people and even some policies have been influenced by culture or even by personal bias backed up by inaccurate ideas about God and by privilege. Oh the wickedness of such failing servants of the Lord! These faithless, weak missionaries, when asked about racism in the church or Book of Mormon, may say things like “I don’t know” or “God’s church and people have agency and make mistakes” or “just come and see for yourself, and then, with eyes wide open, ask God if this church is where He wants you.” Instead of being Korihor-like cowards, missionaries who are true, valiant, stripling warrior missionaries, who are delightsome before God, will bear down in pure testimony that everyone has always been perfectly equal before God and in God’s church always and forever!

A pure, perfect, child-like faith knows the difference between what is pure, celestial, and temple-white and what is dark, loathsome, filthy, and would blacken the soul. Most missionaries can trace their ancestory back to those who landed on Plymouth Rock. Those missionaries know the Lord brought about the birth of this nation, that freedom has its roots in this land. Valiant missionaries have a dream that one day all will sit at God’s celestial table, clothed in the pure, white robes of divine holiness, well, except for those who are serving the food or maybe cooking in the back. Whatever you do, hold on to that dream, Elder!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton