|Pathetic Approximation of Actual Mansion|
God Currently Preparing for Condie
Rigby, ID—Area man Bart Condie, someone who still uses the phrase “free agency” and believes that the earth is around 6,000 years old, is somehow still going to inherit the Celestial Kingdom.
“It’s pretty shocking to lots of people,” reports an angel familiar with the case who asked not to be identified, “since, you know, Brother Condie believes that different races come from God’s multiple wives and that masturbation is very close to murder.” The angel explained that “lots just think that his ideas are so backwards that he’ll just end up in that middle kingdom, but nope!”
The source further explained that Condie’s exaltation into the highest level of glory “is clearly in his future, in spite of the fact that he still questions interracial marriage, believes all women would be happier as stay-at-home moms, voted for Trump, and is firmly convinced that Moses himself wrote the first five books of the Bible.”
At the top of the list of those who would be surprised by the mansion God is currently creating for Condie in the celestial kingdom are his daughter and son-in-law, graduates of [university name redacted] and [graduate school name redacted], both of whom would disagree with Brother Condie on these and many, many other scriptural, theological, and cultural views. When asked about the final spiritual status of Condie’s daughter and son-in-law, the angel mumbled something about tinkling cymbals but then stated flatly: “no comment.”