Monday, November 6, 2017

EPISTLE FROM A PISSED OFF EX-MO (EXMORMON): HOW TO GET ANGRY AT GENERAL CONFERENCE IN FIVE EASY STEPS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer values all voices from Zion, even exiled voices of those joyously living in sinful wastelands of despair (we’re looking at you Salt Lake and Tooele!). This week we have another epistle from our resident pissed off ex-mo (Exmormon) Howard Pinehurst.

Anger, Oh The Places It Will Take You!
Sick of simply “enjoying” General Conference with all the gaslit lemmings who are too afraid of cognitive dissonance to really see the truth? Well here is your easy guide to getting upset in either April or October every year for the rest of your life!

Step One: Question Authority. The first step is to say that Joseph Smith questioned authority, and because of his questions we got the Restoration. As you question authority, emphasize how humans are inherently flawed and that it is their natural tendency to abuse power (see D&C 121:39). While they might be inspired, focus on how leaders are not only human but are bound by cultural limitations.

Step Two: Question Loyalty. General Conference is a loyalty ritual. Loyal members come together, listen together, learn together, and worship together at General Conference. That feeling of togetherness can be inspiring. You can almost feel physically lifted by the music, the prayers, or the talks. Or by being around other saints. But you can exploit that loyalty’s downside. Loyalty usually makes you feel unity to your tribe, but it can also reinforce an “us-versus-them” mentality. If one feels powerfully connected to a group, focus on how that necessarily makes others outsiders. In other words, see General Conference as a twice-a-year-Stanford-Prison-Experiment! You can almost hear the footsteps of terror, of xenophobia, of homophobia, of transphobia, of arachnophobia, and of phobiaphobia (fear of fear) right now!

Step Three: Question Purity. What you will hear at Conference is authorities appealing to group loyalty to encourage purity. Yes, sexual purity is a very big deal, very big, but it is not the only purity. There is purity in all obedience, since all disobedience stains the sinner. You want to emphasize how purity is always tied up with shame, and shame is using fear and coercion to keep everyone in line. Seen in this way, the whole meeting centers around shame used by the group to encourage conformity, loyalty, and respect for authority.

Step Four: See Harm Everywhere. Now that you see powerful authorities using loyalty and shame to enforce purity, notice not only the leaders—powerful white men—but also notice who suffers harm from what is happening. Everyone who does not fit the mold will probably feel like an impure outsider. Even if others don’t feel pain, you can feel their pain for them. Even if they are too duped to realize what is happening, you can be awake to the institutional victimization that is at work.

Step Five: Feel Anger. And now, everything about the meeting will make you angry. You can see harm everywhere. Those who are not here are not here because being here would cause them harm. Those who are here who don’t fit it or are not pure are harmed. Those who should be harmed are only not harmed because they have given in to the ritual of loyalty, the joy of some set of rules for purity, and the easy comfort of conforming to authority. Those who should see what is going on and who should speak truth-to-power are duped and gaslighted into falling in line. And at the top are the leaders themselves who enjoy the power and prestige. Now that you have that righteous anger, doesn’t it taste great! Anger truly is a gift that keeps on giving! But heck, why wait until April or October—you can probably be seethingly angry during any church gathering! 

Monday, October 30, 2017

“ADMONISHING” UNCLE GLAD HE NEVER COMMITTED ANY SINS “NEXT TO MURDER”

Shame Going Back to the First People
(Bernward Doors)
Roy, UT—At a recent dinner, area man Daniel Glenn, after powerfully “offering the voice of warning” to a niece and two nephews, quietly congratulated himself on never committing any sexual sins, sins he believes are “next to murder.”

Glenn was invited to dinner at his sister’s house last Friday. It was there that Glenn found himself with his niece Candice (14) and nephews Eric (17) and Drew (15). Previously his sister had confidentially expressed her suspicions to Glenn that the children may have been viewing pornography and that her son Eric may have “gone a little too far” with his girlfriend Rachel. With his sister out of the room, Brother Glenn saw this as a good moment to “bear down in pure testimony” against his niece and nephews.

In no uncertain terms, Brother Glenn warned the three that sexual sins, even seemingly “harmless” ones, were “right there with murder” in their seriousness with God. He reminded them that God could “not look on sin with the least degree of allowance” and that “no unclean thing can be in God’s presence.” He made it clear that they “may as well kill someone as view pornography or fool around sexually!”

Brother Glenn’s idea that sexual sin is next to murder is based on Alma 39. Glenn seems completely unaware that what Alma might very well mean by a “sin next to murder” is actually the sin of leading the hearts of others to destruction. Alma, in chapter 36, sorrowfully reflects upon how he did that very thing when he sought to destroy the church. Read carefully, Alma’s strongest warning to his son is not against sexual sin in chapter 39; his warning is against doing things that lead to the destruction of others.

For her part, after hearing her uncle, Candice felt deep shame for her minor sexual sins, sins that resulted from a healthy, natural curiosity. Lacking a clear, loving context to understand and explore her healthy, natural curiosity, she “fell into sin.” Eric and Drew were also deeply impacted by their uncle’s words. Drew, who had always planned on a mission, after the discussion felt such deep shame and guilt that he quietly resolved that he could never be worthy to be God’s instrument. Eric, who had struggled with loving and sexual feelings for his girlfriend, decided that they must break up. His plan to break up was because he no longer believed he could match God’s exacting demands, and that he would be better off outside of the church and with a non-Mormon girlfriend, someone he “would not pollute” with sexual desires.

Later that evening, after “reproving” his niece and nephews “with sharpness,” Brother Glenn internally applauded his efforts to admonish and to be a good example by avoided all sexual sins. He fell asleep satisfied that he had done God’s work.

At the very moment when he was peacefully falling asleep, his niece and nephews were feeling so unworthy that, for the first time in their lives, they did not feel that God could ever listen to their bedtime prayers. 

Monday, October 23, 2017

SATAN REDUCES HONESTY LESSON TO DEBATE ABOUT SPEED LIMITS

Spiritually Trivial Matters,
Strictly Enforced
Casper, WY—Over the weekend Satan managed to, yet again, reduce a complex and interesting Elders quorum discussion about honesty to a superficial yet somehow still heated debate about speed limits.

This week’s instance occurred in the Casper North 3rd Ward’s Elders quorum, where instructor Garret Ingles attempted to challenge quorum honesty by asking how many members never exceeded the legal driving speed limit. While the question seemed provocative, probing if quorum members were obedient in keeping “the little things” as well as the big, Brother Ingles did not realize that it was the Evil One who had encouraged this line of inquiry.

Ingles’ question was immediately followed by the sense of claustrophobia that often accompanies Pharisaical attempts at keep the commandments. This claustrophobic feeling of being confined to the overly narrow space of needless rules caused immediate feelings of confusion and shame. Much to Satan’s approval, some quorum members immediately yet quietly gave up on keeping the commandments. Others responded defensively, saying that no one can stay within the speed limit all of the time.

Ingles, in a move that he hoped would help others feel free to confess shortcomings, admitted that he very often breaks speed limit laws and thereby tacitly acts dishonestly. This confession merely prompted class members to question honesty’s importance, and, by extension, the importance of Elders quorum meetings like this one. The bulk of the remaining class time was discussions of minor (and some major) lawlessness, mingled with scriptures.

For their part, the demonic spirits assigned to Wyoming (the only state whose declining population means a reduction in the need for evil spirits), heartily approved of the entire discussion. Said one demon, “yah, so long as we keep Mike Turner from pondering his steadily increasing theft at work, Dave Gibson from considering his duplicity in keeping important information from his wife, and Kyle Levin from recognizing his creeping hypocrisy, then they can talk all they want about if it is okay to run red lights at 3 a.m.!” 

Monday, October 16, 2017

AARON RODGERS, SECRET MORMON, REDEDICATES HIMSELF TO ATTENDING CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY

Rodger's Vision Like Paul's,
except with Anthony Barr
instead of the horse or whatnot,
and Rodgers couldn't lift arm
Green Bay, WI—In news that is both surprising and faith-inspiring, word came out this morning that insurance advertiser and athlete Aaron Rodgers has been a member of the Mormon church for the last two years. While that news came as quite a shock for many people, it was quickly followed up by the news that Brother Rodgers has decided to make Sunday church attendance his “highest priority” for “at least the foreseeable future.”

In talking about his decision, Brother Rodgers explained that “I was at work, and there I had an experience somewhat like that of the apostle Paul.” He elaborated that “like Paul, I felt suddenly thrown to the ground, and there the inspiration came to me, strongly, that God didn’t want me working on Sunday—He wanted me in church!”

Many of the people on Brother Rodgers’ team expressed concern about their success without his help. Brother Rodgers said that he too was concerned, especially about some weekend projects this fall and winter that he’d miss out on, but, in his words, “the Lord made it clear that, whether my calling is in Young Mens or Primary, church is where God needs me to put my shoulder to the wheel!” 

Monday, October 9, 2017

CHURCH ANNOUCES “ALWAYS FAITHFUL” RINGS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

Prototype of New Always Faithful Ring
Salt Lake City, UT—An almost breathless-with-excitement Church spokesperson Ken Kramer announced this morning the new “Always Faithful” rings for Young Men and Young Women.

“Where the Choose the Right rings remind children about keeping the commandments,” explained Kramer, “these new ‘Always Faithful’ rings will be a way to show the enthusiasm young people have for the gospel.

Kramer elaborated that “Always Faithful” will be “like those hashtag things that are such a hit with the young people nowadays.” As an example, Kramer said, “we envision young people talking about General Conference and saying—‘I loved for General Conference—I’m excited!’ and then flashing their ‘Always Faithful’ rings!”

When asked for other examples, Kramer said, “Nephi was obedient—AF,” “Sharing the Gospel is fun—AF” and “I can be sexually pure—AF.”

The new “Always Faithful” rings seem to be the brainchild of senior church officials. Kramer said that when the idea was initially presented to young people, “they seemed a little confused at first, but then they caught the vision of this new program and even seemed to laugh for joy at this new testimony tool!”

When she was asked about how popular the “Always Faithful” rings might be, one young woman said, “well, all I can say is that when it comes to these rings, I’m happy—AF!”

Monday, September 25, 2017

MISSIONARY-MINDED AREA MAN CAN’T HELP SHARING GOSPEL WITH MISTRESS

Excellent accommodations for affairs/missionary work
Cedar Rapids, IA—When area man Benjamin Beck, age 38, started a relationship with Chicago waitress Heather Landau, age 28, he was not planning on it also being a chance for him to share the gospel. Beck, who is married, a father of three children, and an insurance claims agent, was not planning on telling Landau anything about his life back in Iowa, but his fiery missionary spirit could not be held back.

Beck only started talking about Mormonism after a chance comment during his third illicit encounter with Landau. Landau was getting dressed in Beck’s Courtyard by Marriott hotel room when she noticed the room’s copy of the Book of Mormon and said, “Oh, those Mormons don’t even believe in Jesus.” Beck, who had loved missionary work from when he was a child, felt like he could not let Landau’s misconception remain, so he timidly replied, “well, I heard that their official church name has Jesus in it, so they probably do believe in Him.” Landau merely shrugged at this suggestion, and then promptly winked at the law-of-chastity-breaking Elders Quorum secretary, flashed him a bit of buttock, and told him she’d see him next week.

Beck’s next gospel discussion with Landau came only a couple of weeks later. Landau and Beck were again at the hotel where Beck spends most of the week, returning on weekends to resume his (fraudulent) life as a “fairly reliable” home teacher and seemingly good example for his 12 and 11-year-old sons and 9-year-old daughter. After some unusually vigorous intercourse with Landau, Beck asked if something might be up. Landau confided in the man she “was just having some fun with” that not only was her mother’s health rapidly declining but she had lost a beloved cousin to leukemia just a few months before. The suddenly visibly distraught Landau concluded, “it all just seems so futile to love people and then to bury them, knowing you will never see them again.” For a second time Beck felt strongly that he could not let this go, so he tried to casually toss out, “well, you know those Mormons you mentioned a few weeks ago—I think that they actually believe family bonds and love can last forever. I think there are even some Youtube videos about it.” Not wanting to pursue this conversation for too long, Beck then distracted Landau by initiating sex for the fourth time in 24 hours.

At the same time that Beck was tearing through all of the promises he had made with God and the church, his mistress was finding more and more intriguing ideas from that same organization and God. Several hours spent watching Youtube videos led to many more questions for Landau. She did not know exactly who to ask until one evening when she and Beck were in the bath together, and she said that she sure wished she could talk to some “of those Mormons” about their beliefs. She distractedly mentioned her Youtube search and how many questions she had, not thinking the topic would interest Beck. Beck, though longing to answer all of her questions yet afraid to reveal how the life he was living with her was a betrayal of all he held true, suggested circuitously that “don’t those Mormons have people that walk around telling people about their church…I think they are called missionaries? They probably have a website you could use to meet them…or something…” Landau feigned disinterest, saying that she “might look into it.”

Within two months of this clandestine meeting, Landau started missing her weekly trysts with Beck, saying she “was not feeling well” or she “had to pick up an extra shift at work.” Beck, who had come to rely more heavily on the fleeting sexual pleasure he enjoyed with Landau to cover his soul’s rotting emptiness, became more and more anxious, restless, and then upset at Landau’s absence. When Beck finally confronted Landau at the restaurant where she worked and where they had met, an exasperated Landau confessed to Beck that she had been busy meeting with some “really awesome Mormon sister missionaries,” that she didn’t feel good about sneaking around with Beck, and that what she was learning was “somehow changing” her. Beck was so struck by the clash of contradictory emotions—intense sexual frustration, anger, betrayal, despair, and disappointment but at the same time immense joy for Landau—that he could not speak. Misinterpreting his sudden silence, Landau concluded, “who knows—maybe the Mormons could even help your family and maybe even you, because, honestly, you’ve kinda made a mess of your life!”

Unbeknownst to either at the time, this would be the last time Landau and Beck would ever see each other, though many years later Landau and Beck’s then ex-wife would, by chance, be in the same Illinois stake conference. Beck, for his part, would lose his family and church membership but would retain the copy of the Book of Mormon he picked up in the Chicago Courtyard by Marriott hotel, a book he keeps with him in the place where he now lives—a van by the river.  


Monday, September 11, 2017

HEAVENLY MOTHER UPSET ABOUT BEING USED AS ARGUMENT AGAINST ACCEPTING HOMOSEXUALS

Actual Photograph of Scone Heavenly Mother Baking
For When Church Leaves Current Time-out
Heaven—“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” said a calm but stern Heavenly Mother in a recent conference call with the Mormon church’s First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. “I see where all of this is going,” She continued, “and I want you to know I don’t like it!”

The Mother of All Creation expressed what She called Her “hot displeasure” with how She was being mentioned, in Her words, “to justify not accepting people with different sexualities.” She clarified that she objected to Mormon discussions of Heavenly Parents as a way to reinforce “the traditional family.” Heavenly Mother stated that, “sure, We love that you get married and have families,” but She explained that what too many were really doing was using “the family” to justify their unwillingness to believe and to accept homosexuals.

“I hear more talk about Heavenly Parents,” She elaborated, “to squash those who point out that, traditionally, all of creation was created by men.” She continued, “so now you mention Heavenly Mother, but it isn’t because you want women treated as equals; you just don’t like the idea of guys creating stuff without a woman!”

Heavenly Mother then took time to explain that family is a metaphor about how humans relate to the divine and that it is not the only metaphor. She pointed out another metaphor is in Paul’s inspired words where humans are part of the body of Christ, or God’s body. In this metaphor every person or every part and every organ, “even the single ones, the transgender ones, the homosexual ones, the asexual ones—each of them” is to be valued, loved, supported, and cherished “for who they are.”

The smiling Mother in Heaven concluded that “the sooner you people can love one another as you are loved, the sooner you and the church can leave time-out,” adding, with a smile, “I’ve got some nice scones ready for you for when you do!”

Monday, August 14, 2017

MORMONS PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE WHITE SUPREMACISTS

They would probably all agree that it is a good idea
to avoid white supremacy
Commentary by Jonathan Slowe

Recently there was a march of white supremacists in Virginia, and it got me thinking about how Mormons probably should not be white supremacists, well, at least not anymore.

White supremacists believe that white people are born better than non-white people. They believe that white people are “supreme” in intelligence, virtue, morality, ability, and culture. Brown people or black people or yellow people might be good at a few things like sports or math, but in all of the stuff that really matters, white people have always been the best and are just born better. What group has the highest percentage of people in the most powerful government, religious, business, and culture jobs? White people! What groups have the highest percentage of people on welfare, in poverty, in jail, or in poor countries? Non-white people! The math is pretty simple, so it could be easy for Mormons to agree with white supremacists that whites are supreme.

Still, it is not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. This is because it could get in the way of doing missionary work. If the people you are teaching think that you think you are better than them because your culture is better, more intelligent, harder working, more virtuous and more upright than theirs, then they might not join. Of course if you are superior then your goal could be to help them be as good as they can get, within limits, even if they can’t really keep up or stay active in the church like white people can. But still, it is probably not a good idea.

It is also not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists because that would look bad for the church. Back in the day it was widely socially accepted to see non-whites as inferior. In the past Mormons used the same arguments used by other white supremacists to explain why Blacks could not have the priesthood, could not go to the temple, and could not be sealed together as families. That was okay back then, but it is really socially frowned upon now. In fact, it seems like some church leader said that all of those explanations were not right, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the prophet. I am also pretty sure that whoever said that didn’t say it in Conference, and of course there would not be a reason to apologize for having the same ideas as other whites back then. You are probably not going to get excommunicated if you happen to slip up and say that stuff, but it just isn’t a good idea.

Some people go way overboard with “political correctness” (which is of the devil) and almost make it seem sinful to be a white supremacist. Mormons should not go off the deep end like that; moderation in all things! Crazy extremists have bizarre ideas about history and claim that colonies, the treatment of Indians, and slavery all go back to this white supremacy stuff. Wackos even say that the weapons, brutality, coercion, corrupt laws, racist law enforcement, economic and educational manipulation, denial of voting rights, and lynchings by white people put them in power, and that inequalities we see today come from the abuses in the past. But that cannot be true, and if all that stuff were really true, we would probably hear differently at church or at least at church schools like BYU. This is all extremist “social justice warrior” nonsense, and for the real truth about history, politics, and economics, all you have to do is take BYU’s American Heritage class, a class about truth, culture, virtue, and goodness. 

As is clear from the Book of Mormon, being righteous, hardworking, and prospering in the land because of your righteousness is God’s way of blessing His pure and delightsome people. Even though He curses evil, lazy, savage people from time-to-time with dark skin, and even though poor, lazy, drug-addicted, and lawless people today so often have dark or at least not white skin, it is still probably not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. We should probably love everyone like Jesus did.

Update: sorry, looks like I was wrong.