Monday, September 8, 2014

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: USING GUILT AND MANIPULATION TO BAPTIZE MORE PEOPLE

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

God wants you to use all means possible to get
people to enter the yoke
As a missionary, your sole purpose is to baptize. Talk all you want about getting close to God or growing spiritually or becoming a better person—those are really just things that loser missionaries say who didn’t baptize as many people as they should have. Missionaries might make up lame excuses, like “we served and loved many people” or “I hope this or that family eventually feels like baptism will bless their lives” or “I honor and respect the lives and agency of those I met,” but all of that is cover for their failure to baptize thousands like early missionaries or anyone in South America. We know that the Lord is bound when we do what He says, and what I’m about to say is bound to give you the highest number when people back in your ward ask how many you baptized.

The key to getting people baptized is using guilt and manipulation. Others may not really say it like that, but trust me, you probably have already had some youth leader (or parents!) who used plenty of both, probably to get you on a mission. Guilt and manipulation can be the very key to heaven; they are truly a bright, shining, morning star!

If you are unfamiliar with how to use guilt and manipulation to baptize more people, let me explain. The key is to use someone’s beliefs or relationships against them. Say, for example, you are working with someone who says they believe in the Bible. Your goal is to force them to see how if they believe in the Bible then they must believe everything you are teaching and get baptized. Read some scripture like Amos 3:7 about prophets, and then say that if they believe the Bible then they must believe that there are always prophets all of the time and since you have a church with a prophet, you must be right and, since they believe in the Bible, they have to get baptized. Or read the scripture in John about other sheep not of this fold and prove that that means that the Book of Mormon is true and that if they believe the Bible then they must believe in the Book of Mormon and be baptized. As you can see, your study time should be spent finding scriptures you can use to force people to see that if they believe the Bible then they must believe you and be baptized. It is as easy as that!

Some people are either not yet convinced or they don’t believe all that much in the Bible. Fair enough. Then you ask them if they love their children or parents. If they say yes, then you say that if they really love them then they will join the church that helps them be together forever and that they must get baptized. If they dodge this, then show something like “I’ll Build You a Rainbow” or something else that makes a powerful emotional appeal, and show them that if they really love those people, they will get baptized. 

Some missionaries lose sight of this. Instead of being bold, denouncing sin with the power of the sword of truth, they talk about creating a mutually respectful environment where they are as open as they would want the investigator to be. Those missionaries have lost sight of the fact that they are the only ones with the truth and that you have been commanded to baptize. Missionaries who have lost the true vision of missionary work love and weep for people who decide to no longer hear their message. True missionaries keep going back, keep using powerful emotional pressure, and keep making arguments that are tighter and tighter until every investigator enters the yoke of the Lord. It may be hard work keeping investigators anxious and feeling the heavy load of guilt and manipulation, but trust me, if you want get rid of ambiguity and doubts and if you want to tell your mission president, parents, ward members back home, and friends that you had lots and lots of baptisms, there is no other way!

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article is probably from Satan--Avoid!

Monday, September 1, 2014

LDS ARCHAEOLOGISTS: ANCIENT COVENANT PEOPLE PERFORMED VICARIOUS CIRCUMCISIONS

PROVO, UT—Scholars from BYU’s Department of Archeology have confirmed that ancient covenant people performed vicarious circumcisions as part of their temple worship. Dr. Albert Fenn recently provided compelling evidence that “images and fragments of text reveal that ancient peoples in the Americas and Middle East circumcised adolescent priesthood holders on behalf of dead ancestors who had not had that essential ritual performed themselves.” Though Fenn spoke at length about the ancient Abrahamic foundation for such a practice, a undergraduate assistant who asked to not be named commented that “where today doing baptism for the dead can be sort of ‘mixer’ for young women and men, let’s just say that none of the ancient young men were swinging by Wendy’s or Café Rio for some socializing after getting whatever foreskin they had left snipped off for their ancestors!” The same unnamed student concluded, “you think betting baptized 15 times is a pain…”

Monday, August 18, 2014

SURE, AN AFFAIR WOULD DAMN ME AND DEVESTATE EVERYONE AROUND ME, BUT I STILL THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA

COMMENTARY

By Jordan Howie

Yep, That's What the Affair Will Do,
but it's Probably Worth it
I’ve been married to Jennifer for 26 years now, and we are the parents of 5 lovely children. They are a great family, don’t get me wrong, and it will change their lives like a nuclear accident, but I still think that having an affair with a young woman from work is a good idea.

I will say from the outset that my betrayal of my promises and everything I have claimed to stand for will not be their fault. I mean, let’s be honest, Jennifer still does her best as a wife and mother and so forth, but the chance to have my ego (and other things!) generously massaged by someone who was only 3 years old when I got married is just too good to pass up.

Her name is Lauren, she’s 29, and she is just like those popular and promiscuous girls that I avoided in high school. Well, now I’m older, she’s wise and worldly, and for some reason she wants to hop in the sack with me. What could be better than throwing away years of self-discipline, devotion, and hard-work as well as the love and respect of those close to me for tawdry and disconnected sex interrupted only by moments of superficial conversation and lousy scrambled eggs? 
   
Sure, this will damn me, and not just in the eternal sense. This affair will rob me of any sense of integrity or self-confidence. I will learn that something so empty and meaningless can lead me to abandon everything I value, but Lauren’s Facebook pictures of her in her bikini are so hot that I do not want to miss out on some of that.

And, okay, I can see how this will impact my 19 year-old daughter who is just about to leave on her mission, my married son struggling through college with a wife and young children, and my other three children at home. When they find out they probably won’t be able to hear the noise of their own crying over the devastated wails of my unsuspecting wife. Every Family Home Evening lesson about families being forever and temple covenants and the beauty of sexual expression kept within marriage will transform the locks that used to bind us together into rusted, corroded, and useless scrap metal. But Kelly does this really cute thing when she bites her lip and pulls down the top of her shirt, I’m mean, it is just so hot that I’m sure it will be worth it.

Frankly, cheating on Jennifer and betraying the Lord and my children will be like napalm, that fiery chemical used to destroy every living thing in Vietnam. Yep, this will pretty much emotionally scorch every square foot of earth that is anywhere near me, permanently changing my life and everyone’s life for the worse, including the people I have worked with inside and outside of the church for years and years, but I think I’m going to go for it.

Monday, August 4, 2014

AREA CALL OF DUTY “EXPERT” INVOKES OSMOND/PARKER EXCEPTION AS REASON FOR NOT SERVING MISSION

LAS CRUCES, NM—Local Call of Duty expert Simon Osborn announced to family and friends his decision to not serve an LDS mission. Osborn, who made the announcement simultaneously via Facebook and Twitter, cited the “Osmond/Parker Exception” as a key element of his decision.

“It has been a hard decision for me to make,” said Osborn, “since I have always heard that serving a mission is pretty cool.” Osborn went on to explain that “but, just as Donny Osmond and, more recently Jabari Parker, have felt that they can serve the Lord by excelling in their particular field, so I feel that my insane ability with the FAD assault rifle means that getting whole lobbies of twelve year-olds to rage quit will be the Lord’s mission for me.”

In making his announcement, Osborn clarified that he had already had a missionary experience that showed him how God can use in-game microphone chat to spread His word. He told of an experience where he “totally spawn killed a whole team before dropping a K.E.M strike to end the match, all the while reciting 1 Nephi 3:7 into his headset over and over again.”

“At first we weren’t sure if he was going in the right direction,” says Nathan Osborn, father of the multiplayer missionary. “But after Black Ops came out, I really started to notice the way he stacked his kill streaks and thought he might have it in him. And after seeing him smash lobby after lobby in Ghosts and Modern Warfare 3, I just know my son is doing the best possible thing.”

“One night,” elaborated Osborn, “I was struggling over my decision while no-scoping newbs on a S&D lobby.” Osborn continued, “at first, I just figured that UrgentFury721 was an idiot, but just after he quit I realized that maybe the Lord put him on the map and that same lame spot for a reason. And right at that moment,” said a chocked up Osborn, “I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had known UrgentFury721 in the pre-mortal existence and that I has promised to bring him the Gospel to touch his heart just like my sniper rifle had touched his heart repeatedly.” A clearly moved Osborn concluded, “I will keep my promise to you and I will find you UrgentFury721.”

(A special thanks to Trenton Hyer for his expertise and investigative work to produce this important story.)

Monday, July 28, 2014

AREA WOMAN TAKING CASSEROLE TO WARD MEMBER PRAYS TO BE KILLED IN CAR ACCIDENT

BARSTOW, CA—Jan Ellison was glad to take her famous cauliflower casserole to a woman who recently had a baby. “On my way to drop off the meal,” Sister Ellison reported confidentially to the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, “well, there I was again, hoping that God would send that truck across the line and right into my Camry.”

When asked about the desire to see her life come to an end, Sister Ellison said that, “I don’t think about it all of the time, you know, just a few times a day.” Sister Ellison continued, “and I don’t want to put anyone out, I mean, I even buckled in the casserole with the address so that the EMTs could still take it to Sister Anderson.”

Sister Ellison was quick to point out that “it seems like others probably imagine everything is perfect with me and my family, but the truth is that when I hear about someone near my age dying suddenly of a heart attack or something, I just wish that it could have been me.”

“It is odd,” remarked Ellison, “since I guess I used to think optimistically about [redacted] and [redacted], but now that that has just become so bleak and miserable for me, now I fantasize about having a stroke or brain tumor.” When asked if she had ever done anything more than hope for an “end to her mortal probation,” Ellison said, “well, no, I guess I just use the old Shakespeare phrase, ‘If chance will have me dead, why chance may deliver me, without my stir’.”

When asked if she had ever confided her thoughts or feelings in others, Ellison said, “oh, I could never tell anyone something so terrible and dark, I mean, my husband and church friends would never have or even understand anything like what I’m thinking or feeling, so I don’t tell anyone how badly I want to move to the next stage of my existence.”

“I just stay busy,” concluded Ellison, “you know, doing things like preparing this month’s visiting teaching message, fantasizing that this might be my last.”

Please reach out to someone if you find a connection with how Jan feels and how you might feel. We are all here to help bear one another’s burdens and to help comfort those who need comfort. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

POINT: INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE RAINBOW FAMILY GATHERING, I’D LOVE TO GO TO MORMON YOUTH CONFERENCE / COUNTERPOINT: INSTEAD OF GOING TO YOUTH CONFERENCE, I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE RAINBOW FAMILY GATHERING

It is unclear if this is from the Rainbow Family Gathinging,
or a Constitution-themed LDS Youth Conference
POINT: INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE RAINBOW FAMILY GATHERING, I’D LOVE TO GO TO MORMON YOUTH CONFERENCE
By Sean Ghirardelli

Again this summer my parents are dragging me to the Rainbow Family Gathering. We fill the minivan with crap and head off to some national park to spend weeks with free-loving, hippie potheads. I just want a summer where I can do something with some structure and organization, something with a little less old person advice (and old person nudity) and something fun. That is why I hope that next year I can go to those week-long summer camp things that Mormons call Youth Conference.

Now, I don’t know very much about Mormon Youth conference, but this year’s Rainbow Family Gathering was in Utah. I didn’t know anything about Mormons or Utah, so when I met Trenton at a convenience store it was pretty interesting to talk to him. He told me about Mormon Youth Conference, and it sounded awesome.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that if we let the plants grow then “the food and medicine will just appear from the ground and Mother Earth will abound.” Yes, I love singing about it every year with a guy playing on his homemade guitar, maybe a pan flute accompaniment, but, really, after three days of that @#$%, I would stab that guy in the neck for tacos, a Mountain Dew, and some Twinkies.  

Sure, they are nice enough people, but if I have to spend another big chunk of my summer vacation watching children named “Star Halo” and “Celestial Karma” in Kid Village, where neglect is called “letting them do their thing,” I might just have to strangle someone with her Greenpeace scarf. I guess it is just that ever since Aïsha Dawn Chakra (whose real name is Ashley Palmer) told me that Grandfather David, the Hopi Elder who told the story of the White Buffalo and the end of the world, is actually an accountant from Omaha, well, let’s just say that I see the whole thing differently.

It might not be so bad, really, if the old people didn’t just insist on telling you all of the time how wonderful it is there, how spiritual it is, and kept saying “welcome home.” Really, I don’t even know you people, and please, I know how free you feel and everything, but could you just shower and put some clothes on? Is that too much to ask?

What really sounds like fun are the games, the fun, the structure and the organization, the food, and the good times at Mormon Youth Conferences. I hope I can go there next summer!


COUNTERPOINT: INSTEAD OF GOING TO YOUTH CONFERENCE, I’D LOVE TO GO TO THE RAINBOW FAMILY GATHERING
By Trenton Sanborn

Again this summer my parents are forcing me to go to Youth Conference. I pack up some dress clothes for the dance and the testimony meeting and head off to some college to spend a week with all of the wierdos assigned to work with the youth. I just want a summer where I can do something free and out-of-the box, something with a little less old person advice (and maybe some nudity) and something fun. That is why I hope that next year I can go to the Rainbow Family Gathering. 

Now, I don’t know very much about the Rainbow Family Gathering, but this year I met a kid who was going to it. I had never even heard of it, so when I met Sean at the convenience store it was pretty interesting to talk to him. He told me about the Rainbow Family Gathering, and it sounded awesome.

Don’t get me wrong; I believe that the youth of Zion will not falter and that someday I will both grow a foot or two and be called to serve.  Yes, I love singing about it every year along with someone’s dinky IPhone speaker with the accompaniment of other apathetic youth, but, really, after three days of that stuff, I would smash that stupid IPhone for some free time and an uninterrupted walk in the woods. 

Sure, it is great to serve, but if I have to spend another big chunk of my summer vacation doing church history indexing or preparing hygiene kits for Guatemalan refugees, I might just have to strangle someone with his BYU tie.  I guess it is just that ever since I heard about Paul H. Dunn and found out the South Park has a more accurate depiction of how the Book of Mormon was translated than the church pictures, well, let’s just say that I see the whole thing differently. 
 
It might not be so bad, really, if the old people didn’t insist on telling you all of the time how wonderful it is there, how spiritual it is, and saying “this is Zion.” Really, I don’t even know you people, and please, I know how important obedience is and everything, but it seems like some sexual curiosity is natural, even healthy. How about if we drop the idea that fooling around is second only to murder? Is that too much to ask?

What really sounds like fun is the freedom, the closeness to nature, and the healthy food at the Rainbow Family Gathering. I hope I can go there next summer!

Monday, July 7, 2014

THAT THOUGHT-PROVOKING FACEBOOK STATUS CAUSED ME TO IMMEDIATELY LOSE MY TESTIMONY

Commentary
After reading the status, I tried to buy
an oil drum of Starbuck's coffee

By Nadja Bigslby

I’m 17 year’s old, and have been a church member my whole life, but this morning I lost my testimony when I read a Facebook status. No, I didn’t lose my testimony last year when my uncle died unexpectedly. In fact, that experience only strengthened my faith in the Plan of Salvation. And no, I never wavered when my boyfriend pressured me to be more physically intimate than I was comfortable with. But today, when I read an opinion expressed by a faithful member of the church, I just could not bear the pressure. Sure, the Facebook status was reasonable and thoughtful, but seeing a different view was so overwhelming that I immediately lost my faith that Joseph Smith saw the First Vision, I internally denounced the Young Women values, and then I ran to the nearest Starbucks to buy the most coffeest coffee that they sell. Oh and I bought it with what was going to be my tithing money. 

Now of course I could have just read the status and moved on. Heck, I could have even read it within the context of everything else this person had ever posted. I could have seen the view as part of this person’s faith, a faith evident in post-after-post about love of the Savior, the Book of Mormon, missionary work, and the joy of knowing that families are eternal. It could have been thought-provoking and could have encouraged a stronger, better faith. But that clearly and respectfully stated view was just so overwhelming on my young, teenage spirit that I immediately smoked a pack of cigarettes, sent my resume to be a Miley Cyrus backup dancer, and made myself gay.

Some of you old people, like the person who wrote the Facebook status, may not realize who reads what you write. Of course I attend school, leave my house, and go on the internet. Of course I’m daily bombarded with powerful temptations to set aside the joy that the Gospel brings me. But you need to understand that youth today, in spite of having to be strong in such a world, can only deal with cat pictures with scriptures on them from other members of the church when we get on Facebook. Of course our non-member friends, who we love and respect but who may have different standards than ours, can post the most troubling and difficult things, but when a faithful member says anything that is not just gospel milk and toast, well then the youth of Zion immediately falter and we all get tattoos.

Oh, and it isn’t just me. Sure, my younger sister read the status update and felt relieved that a faithful member could have such a point of view. And some could have even felt comforted to not be alone in faithfully drawing such a conclusion. But such status updates usually immediately destroy the entire fabric of the church. My older sister, for instance, is at BYU, and the entire BYU community is now in ruins because of that update. That sister, who served a mission, married in the temple, and was a student and mother struggling with a newborn son, read the update, put on a spaghetti-strap dress, and left her husband to join a Mexican drug cartel.

So, if you thoughtful, faithful older people on Facebook put anything up, make sure it is either General Authority quotes with a sunrise background or boring, old person stuff like how much your back hurts. Anything else and our weak souls will immediately be destroyed.  

Monday, June 30, 2014

NEW BYU STUDENT TEACHES STUDENT WARD SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON—ON DAVID AND BATHSHEBA

Spritzetoni's father suggested she use images of the story
by artists like Rembrandt to illustrate it. She didn't. 
PROVO, UT—Brand new BYU student Regan Spritzetoni volunteered to teach the Sunday School lesson in her new student ward before she realized what that lesson’s topic would be: David and Bathsheba.

“I’ve never been all that shy, so when they asked who might be able to teach, I just said that I would do it,” explained Sister Spritzetoni. She continued, “And then I realized that we were doing 2 Samuel 11, and I thought that that might be a really bad idea.” Spritzetoni initially worried about how she, as an 18 year-old first year student who decided to start in the summer, would address the topic of sexual purity in a class with other, mostly older BYU undergraduates.

When he found out about his daughter’s pedagogical and theological challenge, Sister Spritzetoni’s father had plenty of advice. As a way of addressing the lesson’s central doctrines in an engaging manner, he suggested that she purchase a small, plastic kiddy pool and then encourage class members to act out the story. He also sent along a list of discussion questions that she could use. Some of those questions included, “how would David have had time to wander around on the roof with so many wives probably already nagging him about repainting the dining room?,” “how could David be an example of the dangers of poor planning?”, and “how many soldiers could have ended up dead and their wives pregnant if David had had the Internet?”

In spite of such feedback, Spritzetoni decided to simply follow the manual. In a moment of inspiration as she began the lesson, she also felt guided to “limit comments made by the three awkward returned missionaries in the third row.” Class members seemed to find the lesson a success, partly because of how it reinforced scripture knowledge and testimony and partly because four class members managed to exchange phone numbers.