DESERET LEGAL ANNOUNCES NEW TEMPLE MARRIAGE PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT OPTIONS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Deseret Legal recently announced new options for those seeking the increasingly popular pre-nuptial agreements for their temple marriage.  “With temple marriages almost as vulnerable as any marriage,” said Deseret Legal spokesperson Denise Hughes, “saints want to protect themselves just in case their eternal marriage isn’t quite as eternal as they had hoped.”

“Many individuals worry about child custody,” said Hughes, “so we offer options, including a pre-marriage agreement that will guarantee full primary custody of all children with the exception of crying babies, surly teenagers, or any offspring with the propensity to projectile vomit on the carpet.” Deseret Legal calls this option PCGO, or “Primary Custody of the Good Ones.” Hughes went on to explain that this even requires that the other spouse “take any children resulting from the ill-fated union to Bishops, Branch Presidents, Stake Presidents, Area Authorities, pastors, rabbis, therapists, law enforcement officials, parole officers, rehab counselors, or dentists when the need presents itself.”

It is not just custody issues that Deseret Legal has in its new pre-nup options. “Many young people, women especially,” expounded Hughes, “worry about the possibility of ever getting married again if the marriage they are currently planning fails.”  It is for these people that Deseret Legal has developed the Guaranteed Post-matrimonial Sexual Status clause or GPSS.  According to Hughes, “the GPSS means that a young woman can know that her official post-matrimonial sexual status will be the legally binding and universally recognized status as ‘Unlicked Cupcake, Unchewed Gum, and Still Fresh-as-Spring Flower’ no matter what.”  Hughes added that “this puts so many young female minds and hearts at ease.”  When asked about male options, Hughes said that the GPSS offered in male pre-nuptial agreements is ‘May Now Have Somewhat of a Clue As to What He’s Doing’.”

Updates have also been made in the fault areas of these agreements.  Fault areas include parts of the contract that give one spouse greater property or financial compensation if the other spouse is found to be at fault.  Spouses can now get a much larger share of the marital assets if the other spouse “becomes involved in Essential Oils, supplement companies, colonic treatments, and any multi-level marketing businesses or general snake oil crap.”

Some of the fault clauses are gender-specific.  Contracts can stipulate the husbands are entitled to more if the wife “hung around church on Sundays talking to the most annoying people after the contractually agreed upon 45 minutes” or if she “failed to complete/nag until completion any Eagle Scout projects.”  Women can get a larger settlement if it can be proved that the husband “consistently wore colored shirts to church,” “just had the kids watch videos on his phone instead of really working with them,” or “allowed his eyes to linger too long on the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover.”  Said one engaged woman, “just knowing that if he so much as notices some half-naked actress on the cover of GQ means that I can have the house, the boat, and two thirds of his retirement reassures me that I can make this marriage work. Or not.”

LONG LIST OF OFFENSES PROMPTS AREA MAN TO CUT OFF RIGHT HAND

ROMULUS, MI—Producing a long list of offenses, Brother David Roberts met with reporters to explain why he recently cut off his right hand. “Well, let me just go through the offenses that my right hand has done to me,” explained Roberts, “and it should be clear that every one of you would have cut it off and cast it out.”

Roberts’ list of offenses began way back in elementary school.  Roberts noted how his hand had, against his will, “waved at Cindy Warner even though my best friend Greg, who liked Cindy all during third grade, was standing right there.” Roberts indicated that “it was then, back in fourth grade, that I knew that that right hand was going to be trouble.”

According to Roberts, the conflicts continued as the years passed. Listed along with the “Waving at Warner” affair were instances of inadvertent nose picking in highly public places, going up in the air with Roberts being unable to answer the question, and slipping too low while slow dancing.  “These acts of treachery might not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, they caused me and the entire body lots and lots of problems,” stated Roberts.

“After a while, well, the betrayal had to stop,” said Roberts categorically. “How long can you let it pick up the wrong groceries, click the wrong links on the internet, and push buttons on the tv remote control when you really want to sleep before doing something about it!”

Roberts went on to show how his scripture reading had helped him deal with the terrible impact of his RRHS (Rebellious Right Hand Syndrome). “Once I saw it was RRHS, it became clear to me what was really holding me back spiritually,” expounded  Roberts. “I mean, I could be Bishop by now if my right hand would have been as obedient as my left.”

To demonstrate what finally helped Roberts apply the scriptural injunction, he produced a rather blurry photograph of himself dressed almost completely in blue and yellow. “As you can see here,” stated Roberts, “I’m about the world’s biggest Michigan fan. See, I’m all maize and blue.” Roberts then pointed, with his left hand, to his right hand in the picture, which was clearly green, saying, “and there you see it—the right hand had painted itself as green as Michigan State’s Sparty himself.  I had caught it red handed, so to speak, and I knew then and there that I had to eliminate the little Judas,” Roberts concluded emphatically, pounding his remaining hand on the table. 

As the news conference ended, Roberts made one more threat: “Oh, and right eye--don't think we haven't been noticing you! You saw what happened to the hand on your side, you know, with stumpy, so let that be a warning.”

RELIEF SOCIETY SISTERS LEARNING MORE ABOUT TEACHER THAN SCRIPTURES FROM HER THIRD LESSON ON SONG OF SOLOMON

Image of Love that Might Not Be Allegorical

MODESTO, CA—The sisters in the Modesto West ward seem to be learning more about Sister Wallace than the scriptures from her third lesson on the Old Testament book Song of Solomon. “After the first lesson,” reported Allison Lewis, “I thought that it was nice to hear about a book that we never talk about in Church.” Sister Lewis continued that “the second lesson, about allegories of love to illustrate God’s love for His children, was also informative, but when we showed up last Sunday for the third lesson I started to wonder if something else wasn’t up.”

Sister Lewis wasn’t alone in her curiosity about three lessons on a book that some do not take as scripture. Kaitlyn Millsap expressed similar surprise. Said Millsap, “[Sister Wallace] had some nice medieval prints for the second lesson, but some of those prints gave me the impression that this wasn’t just a spiritual allegory.” Millsap continued that, “by the third lesson, when she brought in all of those quotes from that book And They Were Not Ashamed, it was pretty clear that…well…more than just the spirit was involved.”

“Yah, by the third lesson it seemed like we were learning a bit more about Sister Wallace then we might have wanted,” concluded Maggie Baker, Relief Society Second Counselor. “We spent a lot of time talking about chapter 5 where the man is supposed to have abs like ‘bright ivory overlaid with sapphires’ and legs like ‘pillars of marble,’ but it was pretty clear that that doesn’t describe brother Wallace anymore.”

Alicia King also remarked that “it didn’t take much to see that, um, well, Brother Wallace is not as interested in going to the ‘mountain of myrrh’ or the ‘hill of frankincense’ as he apparently should be.” Sister King also added, “oh, and I will never look at two young roes or clusters of grapes or spikenard, whatever that is, the same way again.”  

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: 3 REASONS WHY DATING LAURELS USUALLY DOESN’T WORK

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work.  As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others to prepare. 

You Don't Want to See This!

Getting out in the mission field is a thrilling experience. It is great to see how the members respond to the spirit that you have with you, and let me tell you, it isn’t just the old fogies.  No matter where you serve, all of those young women who would barely even talk to you before your mission will be happy to see you now.  But before you start texting those Laurels, let me give you three good reasons to look before you leap.

One: Laurels can be bad at keeping secrets. This may surprise you, since girls can seem pretty quiet around boys. It is hard to know even what they are thinking.  But take if from some people I know: as soon as you meet one for a midnight movie while your companion is sleeping, she will probably blab all about it to her friends.  And when that happens, others will probably find out. It will be really bad if it gets around, so the easiest thing to do is to tell her in a really spiritual way to only use a code name for you when talking to her friends.  

Two: She may not be as cute as you think. This is a mistake lots of missionaries make. You are in South Africa or Guatemala or the Dakotas and you find a really hot seventeen year-old sitting across from you at dinner. She laughs at all your jokes, she shakes your hand vigorously, and her eyes just light up when you talk about serving the Lord. But keep in mind that the sparkly feelings you get when you are around her could just be because you haven’t been around girls for a while. Try to remember the hot girls who never would have talked to you before: is this one really one of those? After being a missionary for a while, even the light poles have hips, so make sure she really is cute.

Three: She might just be into you for the tag. While you are being a missionary, you don’t want to get burned. And the most common way that missionaries who date Laurels get burned is when they realize that she is only into you because of the tag. As we know from hundreds of years of stories and even scientific experiments, girls love men in uniform. Your suit and your tag are your uniform, and too many girls with stars in their eyes only see that. You should respect yourself and find a girl who wants to date you for you, not just because you have dedicated two years to serving God.

I don’t want to be extreme here, soon-to-be missionary, but when you are considering a deep, loving, and profound relationship (or even something not quite that deep or profound) with a seventeen or eighteen year-old girl in the ward where you are serving, keep these three reasons as a word to the wise.   

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION / COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION.

POINT: DON’T TELL MY PARENTS, BUT I’M NOT ALL THAT GLAD TO BE HOME FROM MY MISSION

David Turner, Meriden, CT

I got home from my mission to Thailand about a two weeks ago, and please don’t tell my parents but I’m not that glad to be home. I cannot believe how excited I was those last few weeks of my mission and when I landed, but let me just say that after about two hours, I feel incredibly let down. For one thing, the music that my siblings listen to—if I hear that “Gangnam Style” song one more time, I’m going to Korea myself to punch that guy in the throat. Oh, and look what else the devil made while I was gone—Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and something called a Ke$ha. 

Mom and Dad are great, and I love being back with them, but even they are starting to get on my nerves. I’m grateful that they have such strong testimonies, but it is funny that we don’t have family home evening but they do DVR The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars like it is General Conference. And don’t get me started about the dishonesty, pride, and sin in that Downton Abbey show—I think that that one guy died as a punishment from God! It is nice to get home to mom’s spaghetti and lasagna, but I had forgotten about her famous Tuna Casserole Delight. Choking that down with some repulsive Bruno Mars song playing in the background is worse than ten hours in an MTC classroom with nine other gassy missionaries. 

Now I am home, I’m bilingual, and I have international travel experience, so guess what?—I have my pre-mission job back at Coldstone. Three weeks ago I was bringing the eternal blessings of the gospel to God’s children, and now I’m bringing a three-scoop-cake-batter-ice cream-brownie-with-extra-cookie-dough-triple-fudge-and-extra-nuts-Gotta-Have-It catastrophe to glassy eyed gluttons who could not care less about “that Jesus stuff.” And I get to sing for them. So I think we are safe in saying that I’m not glad about what I’m “Called to Serve” now. 

At least I’m going off to school in a few weeks. In all honesty, I hope I can find a good wife, and after getting along with so many missionaries that I didn’t get to pick, marriage will be a piece of cake. Can’t wait for that!

COUNTERPOINT: DON’T TELL OUR SON, BUT WE’RE NOT ALL THAT GLAD HE’S HOME FROM HIS MISSION

Mike and Lisa Turner, Meriden, CT

Father with Prodigal Clownfish

David got home from his mission ten days ago, and please don’t tell him, but we’re not all that glad that he’s home. We felt such a loss when he left, and of course we were worried about him, but now…well let’s just say that since he found the International Market, our house smells like a Southeast Asian street market. I just want to tell him, “we eat Rice-a-Roni because we like Rice-a-Roni!” And we are glad that he speaks Thai, but really, he can’t just say “The Book of Mormon” anymore? Personally I don’t think that prayer is any less sincere if you say it so that everyone understands. And if we have to hear about that “amazing family in my second area” again, I might just take a baseball bat to him in his sleep.

We are glad that he’s trying to reconnect with his 13-year old brother, Ryan. But let’s just say that that has had a rocky start. The movie they tried to watch didn’t go so well once David tried to explain how God the Father, like the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, is searching for our lost souls, “still colorful with the stripes of false, worldly pride” as fervently as Nemo’s father was searching for him. Ryan wanted to watch Avengers, but he said that his “brother would just say that the whole thing is about lust, greed, anger, and iniquity. Oh, and don’t even think about Skyfall!”

He is off for school pretty soon, and hopefully that will go well.  Still, we hope he isn’t so full of hope and faith that he thinks that “following the Lord’s will” and getting married will solve all his problems—he does seem to have some unrealistic ideas.  

10 HEADLINES FROM THE APRIL 2013 GENERAL CONFERENCE

10 THINGS YOU LIKELY WILL NOT HEAR AT GENERAL CONFERENCE

“GREAT AND SPACIOUS BLOGGING” SITE ALLOWS LDS LIBERALS, CONSERVATIVES CHANCE TO MOCK, POINT FINGERS AT “MOST MORMONS”

SILICON VALLEY, CA—“Great and Spacious Blogging” is the name of a new blog that allows extreme LDS radicals and conservatives to mock and point fingers at what they consistently call “most Mormons.”  Permanent bloggers include disgruntled former BYU professors, University of Utah faculty, and East Coast liberals as well as Idaho survivalists, Anti-Anti Nephi-Lehis (who oppose immigration), and small right-wing paramilitary groups like One Mighty and Strong and the National Righteousness Association.

While the blog features writers with diametrically opposed views, they share a common disdain for “those cow-like, dim-witted, and über-complacent Sunday pew sitters who think that having faith, keeping the commandments, and doing your best is enough.” 

The blog includes a series called “Why all is Not Well in Zion.”  This series recently featured posts about how smart, righteous women must wear pants to church as well as how faithful, righteous saints must shun the evils of pants.  Both posts made it clear that one’s intelligence and righteousness were contingent upon these actions.  Additional posts chided saints for not being able to “Help your Child find that special Gay Life-Partner” or for not helping “Your Gay Children Experience Sufficient Shame.” 

The blog also features a number of counters.  Liberal counters include “How Many Times Boys Commit the Sin of Calling Modest Girls Pure and Attractive,” “Estimated Days Until the Saints are Righteous Enough for God to Give Women the Priesthood and Allow Gays to Marry in the Temple,” and “The Number Of Reasons Why A Critical Faith Is Essential For Salvation.”   Counters for conservatives include “Number of Times Something in the World Offends My Spirit,” “Estimated Days until the Saints Are Righteous Enough for God to Restore Mandatory Polygamy,” and “The Number Of Reasons Why Faith In The Second Amendment Is Essential For Salvation.”

Permanent Bloggers known as “Heavenly Mother Loves Judith Butler” and “It Should be Called Evilution” have both created manifestos that conclude in the same way: “We will not rest until every seemingly content saint, drunk on the fruit that is a failure to understand what is really important, is anxiously engaged in the correct cause—mine!”  None of the “most Mormons” could be reached for comment, as they were putting kids to bed, trying to fit in some scripture study time, or having a real life instead of reading blogs.” 

TRANSCRIPT OF RECENT “LEAGUE OF DEVOTED SCHOLARS” CONFERENCE PRESENTATION

• Presenter stands
• Computer desktop visible on screen
• Audience member smugly congratulates herself on having a much more organized desktop
• Presenter brings up PowerPoint set-up screen revealing slides with lots and lots of quotes
• Audience member sitting one row in front of previously mentioned audience member quietly asks God to kill audience member now
• Presenter begins with quote from Asian religious text to appeal to LDS crypto-Buddhist scholar from Texas in audience
• LDS crypto-Buddhist scholar from Texas in audience successfully appealed to
• Presenter reads presentation in fervent yet friendly manner that makes words seem like waxy chocolate
• Presenter quotes, more or less successfully, Slavoj Žižek
• Graduate student audience member with ADD ponders Slavoj Žižek, wishes he had those funky squished v things in his name, wishes he at least had those little two dots things in his name, notes how two dots look like textual nostrils, chides himself for not bringing nose hair trimmers, envies how squirrels don’t need nose hair trimmers, mentally remarks to self how ten thousand squirrels in ten thousand years probably could not write The Book of Daniel, concludes that if Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego had had a fourth friend his name should have been Žižek, realizes he now has a dissertation topic
• Presenter acknowledges that audience can read quote on slide
• Presenter reads quote on slide
• Presenter begins to build solid argument based on good evidence
• Graduate student audience member feels envious, distraught, and worried, and for the third time today fervently begs God to let him go back to BYU to teach, affectionately thinking of the institution not unlike “the mother ship”
• BYU faculty member seated two rows behind above mentioned audience member compares current job to manure-like misspelling of “ship”
• Presenter makes weak tangential argument to appeal to Feminists
• Feminists in audience feel equal parts offense and forgiveness
• Presenter remembers how glad presenter is about not mentioning Heidegger, as that might cause some to really pay attention
• Presenter again mentions Žižek
• Untenured audience member conflates Žižek, Isaiah, The Cloud of Unknowing, and Eagle Scout project, triggering mild panic attack
• Presenter brings together argument via reason and insight that is clearly the result of hard-work, passion, and commitment
• Audience member, establish scholar whose last name may indicate ancestry with ornithological associations, experiences relief that careful attention has been rewarded and prepares to, as is audience member’s custom, generously encourage presenter
• Audience member with ADD changes dissertation title from “Žižek in Slow Motion: Land of the Lost and the embodiment of Evil in the Sleestaks” to just “Žižek’s Sleestaks” or maybe something about Battlestar Galactica before wondering what is for lunch 
• Presenter concludes to customary tepid courtesy applause
• Presenter equally horrified by prospects of no questions during question and answer period (indicating no one cared or it was so bad no one knows what to say) and any questions during question and answer period (as this would mean presenter may have to answer questions)
• Fellow presenter wonders how to ask question that is generous and insightful, making connections with fellow presenter's presentation, while not being self-serving.  Formulation of this question is the most difficult thing fellow presenter will do all day
• Session ends
• Presenter and audience mingle and chat with the casual nonchalance of sixth graders at their first dance 

SPIRIT WORLD NICKNAMES

Add your nicknames in the comments.

BYUTV GETS EXCLUSIVE TELEVISION COVERAGE RIGHTS OF THE SECOND COMING

The Revelation Will be televised

PROVO, UT—BYUTV director Daniel Clark announced today that they had secured exclusive television coverage rights for the Second Coming. Clark stated that “it had been a priority for us to secure these rights, second only to the rights to Hugh Nibley’s talks and, of course, all of the BYU football games.”

Clark offered a few details about how they planned to cover the triumphal return. He explained, “we have cameras on the ready in many, many key locations.”  Clark outlined how crews are “on the ready 24-7” to get reaction shots from the First Presidency, key world leaders, and “some Miamaids from Bountiful, Utah who will be‘TOTALLY OMG BLOWN AWAY!’”

Clark also mentioned that cameras were prepared near downtown Las Vegas, San Francisco, the University of Utah, and Harry Reid’s office “just to capture the anguished weeping as well as the desperate gnashing of teeth of the wicked.” When questioned about the comments, Clark clarified that it was not “anyone in specific, just, you know, any random super wicked people who might be in the vicinity.”

When asked about the crews themselves, Clark affirmed that “of course we have our elite camera people in key roles.”  Clark elaborated that the “Red-Robe-as-if-stained-by-Lots-of-Grape-Juice group is our most important.”  “We have to have our best people,” stated Clark, “for this crew.  We cannot afford to lose a camera because someone had had Dr. Pepper in the last year or who paid tithing on the net instead of the gross.”  

STAKE PRESIDENT THREATENS TO REVOKE WARD’S “TRUE AND LIVING” STATUS

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking at the ward conference of the Columbus, Ohio 12^th ward, Stake President Gabe Paulsen called upon members to repent or the ward would lose its “True & Living” status. President Paulsen said that the ward’s 9% home teaching rate “was on the low side,” but that the 87% visiting teaching rate was “far below the Lord’s standard.”

President Paulsen enumerated other factors that threatened to reduce the ward to the probationary “Plausible & Not Quite Dead Yet” status. “This ward is not failing in all aspects,” explained President Paulsen. “Yes, 87% of the high priests slept through their group meeting and 38% of the Gospel Doctrine lesson came from the blog “Philosophies of Men Spiced up with Scripture,” he noted, “but it is the measly 59% of Young Women lessons that dealt with the specifics of modesty that really shows this ward’s steady slide into iniquity.” 

Some visiting leaders from the stake noted that the discrepancies that President Paulsen mentioned, including a “lack of enthusiasm on the part of the Sharing Time chorister,” involved only the sisters in the 12^th ward.  Sources close to President Paulsen quietly clarified that “the sisters are really the only spiritual ones,” adding that “if the men just show up, we call it good.” 

Before leaving the ward, President Paulsen reminded them of what this drop in status might mean.  “We all know what happened to the former 8^th Ward,” said President Paulsen ominously, “and none of us, I mean none of us, wants to end up a Presbyterian!”