Monday, October 16, 2017

AARON RODGERS, SECRET MORMON, REDEDICATES HIMSELF TO ATTENDING CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY

Rodger's Vision Like Paul's,
except with Anthony Barr
instead of the horse or whatnot,
and Rodgers couldn't lift arm
Green Bay, WI—In news that is both surprising and faith-inspiring, word came out this morning that insurance advertiser and athlete Aaron Rodgers has been a member of the Mormon church for the last two years. While that news came as quite a shock for many people, it was quickly followed up by the news that Brother Rodgers has decided to make Sunday church attendance his “highest priority” for “at least the foreseeable future.”

In talking about his decision, Brother Rodgers explained that “I was at work, and there I had an experience somewhat like that of the apostle Paul.” He elaborated that “like Paul, I felt suddenly thrown to the ground, and there the inspiration came to me, strongly, that God didn’t want me working on Sunday—He wanted me in church!”

Many of the people on Brother Rodgers’ team expressed concern about their success without his help. Brother Rodgers said that he too was concerned, especially about some weekend projects this fall and winter that he’d miss out on, but, in his words, “the Lord made it clear that, whether my calling is in Young Mens or Primary, church is where God needs me to put my shoulder to the wheel!” 

THIS


Monday, October 9, 2017

CHURCH ANNOUCES “ALWAYS FAITHFUL” RINGS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

Prototype of New Always Faithful Ring
Salt Lake City, UT—An almost breathless-with-excitement Church spokesperson Ken Kramer announced this morning the new “Always Faithful” rings for Young Men and Young Women.

“Where the Choose the Right rings remind children about keeping the commandments,” explained Kramer, “these new ‘Always Faithful’ rings will be a way to show the enthusiasm young people have for the gospel.

Kramer elaborated that “Always Faithful” will be “like those hashtag things that are such a hit with the young people nowadays.” As an example, Kramer said, “we envision young people talking about General Conference and saying—‘I loved for General Conference—I’m excited!’ and then flashing their ‘Always Faithful’ rings!”

When asked for other examples, Kramer said, “Nephi was obedient—AF,” “Sharing the Gospel is fun—AF” and “I can be sexually pure—AF.”

The new “Always Faithful” rings seem to be the brainchild of senior church officials. Kramer said that when the idea was initially presented to young people, “they seemed a little confused at first, but then they caught the vision of this new program and even seemed to laugh for joy at this new testimony tool!”

When she was asked about how popular the “Always Faithful” rings might be, one young woman said, “well, all I can say is that when it comes to these rings, I’m happy—AF!”

Monday, September 25, 2017

MISSIONARY-MINDED AREA MAN CAN’T HELP SHARING GOSPEL WITH MISTRESS

Excellent accommodations for affairs/missionary work
Cedar Rapids, IA—When area man Benjamin Beck, age 38, started a relationship with Chicago waitress Heather Landau, age 28, he was not planning on it also being a chance for him to share the gospel. Beck, who is married, a father of three children, and an insurance claims agent, was not planning on telling Landau anything about his life back in Iowa, but his fiery missionary spirit could not be held back.

Beck only started talking about Mormonism after a chance comment during his third illicit encounter with Landau. Landau was getting dressed in Beck’s Courtyard by Marriott hotel room when she noticed the room’s copy of the Book of Mormon and said, “Oh, those Mormons don’t even believe in Jesus.” Beck, who had loved missionary work from when he was a child, felt like he could not let Landau’s misconception remain, so he timidly replied, “well, I heard that their official church name has Jesus in it, so they probably do believe in Him.” Landau merely shrugged at this suggestion, and then promptly winked at the law-of-chastity-breaking Elders Quorum secretary, flashed him a bit of buttock, and told him she’d see him next week.

Beck’s next gospel discussion with Landau came only a couple of weeks later. Landau and Beck were again at the hotel where Beck spends most of the week, returning on weekends to resume his (fraudulent) life as a “fairly reliable” home teacher and seemingly good example for his 12 and 11-year-old sons and 9-year-old daughter. After some unusually vigorous intercourse with Landau, Beck asked if something might be up. Landau confided in the man she “was just having some fun with” that not only was her mother’s health rapidly declining but she had lost a beloved cousin to leukemia just a few months before. The suddenly visibly distraught Landau concluded, “it all just seems so futile to love people and then to bury them, knowing you will never see them again.” For a second time Beck felt strongly that he could not let this go, so he tried to casually toss out, “well, you know those Mormons you mentioned a few weeks ago—I think that they actually believe family bonds and love can last forever. I think there are even some Youtube videos about it.” Not wanting to pursue this conversation for too long, Beck then distracted Landau by initiating sex for the fourth time in 24 hours.

At the same time that Beck was tearing through all of the promises he had made with God and the church, his mistress was finding more and more intriguing ideas from that same organization and God. Several hours spent watching Youtube videos led to many more questions for Landau. She did not know exactly who to ask until one evening when she and Beck were in the bath together, and she said that she sure wished she could talk to some “of those Mormons” about their beliefs. She distractedly mentioned her Youtube search and how many questions she had, not thinking the topic would interest Beck. Beck, though longing to answer all of her questions yet afraid to reveal how the life he was living with her was a betrayal of all he held true, suggested circuitously that “don’t those Mormons have people that walk around telling people about their church…I think they are called missionaries? They probably have a website you could use to meet them…or something…” Landau feigned disinterest, saying that she “might look into it.”

Within two months of this clandestine meeting, Landau started missing her weekly trysts with Beck, saying she “was not feeling well” or she “had to pick up an extra shift at work.” Beck, who had come to rely more heavily on the fleeting sexual pleasure he enjoyed with Landau to cover his soul’s rotting emptiness, became more and more anxious, restless, and then upset at Landau’s absence. When Beck finally confronted Landau at the restaurant where she worked and where they had met, an exasperated Landau confessed to Beck that she had been busy meeting with some “really awesome Mormon sister missionaries,” that she didn’t feel good about sneaking around with Beck, and that what she was learning was “somehow changing” her. Beck was so struck by the clash of contradictory emotions—intense sexual frustration, anger, betrayal, despair, and disappointment but at the same time immense joy for Landau—that he could not speak. Misinterpreting his sudden silence, Landau concluded, “who knows—maybe the Mormons could even help your family and maybe even you, because, honestly, you’ve kinda made a mess of your life!”

Unbeknownst to either at the time, this would be the last time Landau and Beck would ever see each other, though many years later Landau and Beck’s then ex-wife would, by chance, be in the same Illinois stake conference. Beck, for his part, would lose his family and church membership but would retain the copy of the Book of Mormon he picked up in the Chicago Courtyard by Marriott hotel, a book he keeps with him in the place where he now lives—a van by the river.  


Monday, August 14, 2017

MORMONS PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE WHITE SUPREMACISTS

They would probably all agree that it is a good idea
to avoid white supremacy
Commentary by Jonathan Slowe

Recently there was a march of white supremacists in Virginia, and it got me thinking about how Mormons probably should not be white supremacists, well, at least not anymore.

White supremacists believe that white people are born better than non-white people. They believe that white people are “supreme” in intelligence, virtue, morality, ability, and culture. Brown people or black people or yellow people might be good at a few things like sports or math, but in all of the stuff that really matters, white people have always been the best and are just born better. What group has the highest percentage of people in the most powerful government, religious, business, and culture jobs? White people! What groups have the highest percentage of people on welfare, in poverty, in jail, or in poor countries? Non-white people! The math is pretty simple, so it could be easy for Mormons to agree with white supremacists that whites are supreme.

Still, it is not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. This is because it could get in the way of doing missionary work. If the people you are teaching think that you think you are better than them because your culture is better, more intelligent, harder working, more virtuous and more upright than theirs, then they might not join. Of course if you are superior then your goal could be to help them be as good as they can get, within limits, even if they can’t really keep up or stay active in the church like white people can. But still, it is probably not a good idea.

It is also not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists because that would look bad for the church. Back in the day it was widely socially accepted to see non-whites as inferior. In the past Mormons used the same arguments used by other white supremacists to explain why Blacks could not have the priesthood, could not go to the temple, and could not be sealed together as families. That was okay back then, but it is really socially frowned upon now. In fact, it seems like some church leader said that all of those explanations were not right, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the prophet. I am also pretty sure that whoever said that didn’t say it in Conference, and of course there would not be a reason to apologize for having the same ideas as other whites back then. You are probably not going to get excommunicated if you happen to slip up and say that stuff, but it just isn’t a good idea.

Some people go way overboard with “political correctness” (which is of the devil) and almost make it seem sinful to be a white supremacist. Mormons should not go off the deep end like that; moderation in all things! Crazy extremists have bizarre ideas about history and claim that colonies, the treatment of Indians, and slavery all go back to this white supremacy stuff. Wackos even say that the weapons, brutality, coercion, corrupt laws, racist law enforcement, economic and educational manipulation, denial of voting rights, and lynchings by white people put them in power, and that inequalities we see today come from the abuses in the past. But that cannot be true, and if all that stuff were really true, we would probably hear differently at church or at least at church schools like BYU. This is all extremist “social justice warrior” nonsense, and for the real truth about history, politics, and economics, all you have to do is take BYU’s American Heritage class, a class about truth, culture, virtue, and goodness. 

As is clear from the Book of Mormon, being righteous, hardworking, and prospering in the land because of your righteousness is God’s way of blessing His pure and delightsome people. Even though He curses evil, lazy, savage people from time-to-time with dark skin, and even though poor, lazy, drug-addicted, and lawless people today so often have dark or at least not white skin, it is still probably not a good idea for Mormons to be white supremacists. We should probably love everyone like Jesus did.

Update: sorry, looks like I was wrong.

Monday, August 7, 2017

LOST MANUSCRIPT FOUND IN MARTIN HARRIS COUCH

Harris' House Keys also Found in the Couch
Salt Lake City UT—“We have found the lost 116 manuscript pages!” announced a euphoric church spokesperson Danielle Forester over the weekend. “This is truly a blessed day for Saints and for all who love the Book of Mormon,” said the spokesperson who could barely contain her excitement.

When asked about how the Book of Lehi manuscript was found, Forester explained that some years ago the church had acquired furnishings from the home where Martin Harris lived at the time of the Book of Mormon’s translation. Forester continued that “when church historian Marvis P. Parshant was involved in her normal, very thorough analysis, she noticed what looked like papers stuck under the couch cushions.” Parshant carefully removed the couch cushions finding, to her great astonishment, the 116 manuscript pages.

“I just could not believe it when I saw it” said an elated Parshant about the discovery. The historian continued, “here, for all this time we thought that they had been stolen, you know, probably by his wife, but what the evidence seems to point towards now is that Harris was reading the manuscript, probably late at night, and after he fell asleep it fell between the cushions and got lost.”

The manuscript wasn’t Parshant’s only find. Digging deeper into the couch, she also found Martin Harris’ house keys and the reins to his horse.

Monday, July 31, 2017

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: BE OF ONE HEART AND ONE MIND

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Yes, I know I used it before, but it still works!
Let’s face it—lots of new missionaries feel uncomfortable with the adjustment to mission life. Before the mission, they had a first name; now they are elder, or, if they happen to be a girl, sister. But the gospel clearly shows us that the desire to be individuals, or worse, to be different from others, is one of Satan’s tools to drag us carefully down to hell. Since being just like everyone else is an eternal truth that everyone who is righteous automatically accepts, today’s mini lesson is about how to be of one heart and one mind in the mission.

Some missionaries don’t understand the eternal, celestial truth behind the idea of being of one heart and one mind. It doesn’t just mean being dedicated to the Lord or loving others. It certainly doesn’t mean being different, or worse, enjoying differences. No! Being of one heart and one mind means thinking, acting, believing, and doing exactly what everyone else does. The right shape or form that you should take is the one form or shape God dictates for all. God only truly loves us and uses us when we take that shape or form—when we conform!

This eternal, celestial truth trips up many missionaries. They willingly think, act, or even believe differently than others. These differences cause confusion, conflict, and contention, which we all know are of the devil. God loves a smooth, happy, easy, calm, peaceful group where there are no thorny differences. Satan wants us to be different so he can create challenges, conflicts, contention, and risks. Nothing gets in the way of God’s work more than challenges, conflicts, contention, differences, and risks! That is just the truth.

Satan sometimes sneaks into a missionary’s heart with half-truths or all-out lies. He may say things like “prove all things and hold fast to that which is good.” He perverts Paul’s ideas with lies like “the church is like the body of Christ with lots of different and valuable parts so we should value and admire individual differences.” He whispers seductive falsehoods like “God loves you as an individual and that is why all ordinances are done for individuals and not groups.” Oh the subtle craftiness of the evil one! Satan may even try to tempt us into believing that challenges, risks, differences of opinion, and doubts can be the very obstacles that create faith or that those things actually help us develop true compassion and love. Don’t be fooled! God has given us leaders and the general group of the church so that we can easily conform. Being like everyone else in the church is like peacefully, effortlessly falling into a large, slow river. You should have allowed your individual self to drown in that river of easy conformity when you made your baptismal covenants and the individual self died! Missionaries of all people should give up the natural, individual man to become a saint with celestial sameness. Having the same views, same beliefs, same opinions, same tastes, and doing the same things as everyone else in the mission or in the church is the only way to make sure you are on the straight and narrow path with everyone else.

Blessed, certain, and strong will be the day when every missionary not only looks like every other missionary, but when they all think, act, and believe just like everyone else in pure and celestial conformity!

All the best,

Elder Kory Anton

Monday, July 24, 2017

BESIDES RUSSIANS, TRUMP FAMILY MEMBERS ALSO HAD CONTACT WITH MORMON MISSIONARIES

Mock-up of LDS Trump Poster
Washington, DC—Hot on the heels of recent revelations about contacts between the Trump campaign and the Russians come reports that Mormon missionaries also contacted and attempted to influence Trump family members and his campaign. 

The most damning reports about contacts between Mormon missionaries involve communications between those representatives and some of Donald Trump’s lesser-known children. While Donald Trump Jr. was in contact with the Russians, his sisters Tiffany, LaToya, and Janet, and brothers Rebbie, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Randy were meeting clandestinely with several sets of Mormon missionaries to discuss strategy and salvation.

Three sources with direct knowledge of those meetings who spoke on conditions of anonymity confirmed to the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that the missionaries presented several compelling proposals. One proposal was that the Trump campaign use a picture of Jesus and his post-resurrection appearance in the Americas to alter slightly candidate Trump’s approach. They recommended that Trump use the slogan “Make the Americas Great Again” as a way to promote an ideal view of this hemisphere under Trump’s leadership.

A second suggestion offered by missionaries during previously undisclosed meetings was that the family seriously consider the blessings of the gospel and how it might impact their lives eternally. The missionaries asked Trump’s children, “don’t you want to be with your family forever?” Missionaries seemed surprised when the Trump children were less than excited about this prospect. 

“It’s hard to know what these new revelations will mean, in the long run,” said one Republican operative. “Who knows how quickly Jason Chaffetz will use this to convince Republicans like Mitt Romney of Trump’s fitness for office.” Another strategist wondered aloud about the possibility of Jon McNaughton painting Trump as a modern Jesus whose border wall will somehow unite everyone!”

Monday, July 10, 2017

INTENSE SPECULATION OVER THREE BOOK OF MORMON THEMED OVERWATCH HEROES

Yep, pretty much an
Overwatch hero already!
Irvine, CA—Reddit message boards have exploded in recent days with news of three Book of Mormon themed Overwatch heroes that will be introduced in the coming weeks.

“Looks like Ammon 4 sure” said Reddit poster Kolob_map_1995 on a recent discussion. This comment seems to back up the widely rumored notion that Overwatch will introduce an Ammon hero to its game. Speculation is rampant that an Ammon hero would specialize, of course, in dismembering heroes like Reinhardt or Torbj√∂rn. Ammon’s ultimate is rumored to include a sling for killing lead opposing heroes and the ability to politely reject marriage offers of daughters of opposing heroes.

In addition to Ammon, Overwatch message boards have been abuzz with stories about a Captain Moroni hero. This hero, again according to thus far unacknowledged reports, will build defensive mounds in key locations. Other abilities would include assembling and motivating team members with an ultimate that would create a large banner under which all team mates could assemble. Reports of his ability to write rather long, counter-productive epistles to opposing teams have been largely rejected.

One reddit poster, Morms_at_Blizrd, commented: “Nephi half done,” which seems to indicate that the first hero might be inspired by the man who is arguably the Book of Mormon’s first hero, Nephi. Leaked gameplay seems to show Nephi using his decapitation and disguise ultimate as well as a zap or shock feature for teammates that are AFK.

When asked about speculation that stateside missionaries would be able to play Overwatch using only Book of Mormon themed heroes as part of proselyting efforts, Church spokesperson Chantelle Mocks said “though I cannot comment on it, this is something we may be piloting in the next few years in the Quito Ecuador mission.” She continued, “we have some especially strong missionaries and Overwatch players there.”