PROVO, UT—BYU’S Vetting Services office has announced revised potential boyfriend and girlfriend vetting check sheets. The check sheets, to be filled out by roommates, examine the most important categories and attributes one would want in a long term partner. Both new check sheets are provided below.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
The High Commissioner noted several shocking recent examples. “A few Sundays ago, in Madison, Wisconsin, several CTR 7s were left to forage for their own spiritual sustenance when neither of their teachers showed up,” explained the Commissioner. She went on, saying that “by the time we found them, frightened and huddled in a corner (and perhaps playing Minecraft on the tablet of one of the refugees), they seemed to have lost track entirely of why they had arrived at church in the first place.”
Fear about their future and a growing desperation (often masked by apathy, chit-chat, and Temple Run II) at ever getting their needs met has only exacerbated the refugee crisis.
The High Commissioner also noted that local leaders, often with resources stretched well beyond the breaking point, struggle to contain the flood of refugees. On this point the Commissioner noted that “a Primary President may try to find some parents to substitute or may try to see if other classes can absorb the sudden influx of spiritual asylum seekers. That sudden influx,” continued the Commissioner, “can jeopardize another community’s delicate social, cultural, and spiritual equilibrium, or worse, there may not be enough treats for everyone.”
The High Commissioner on Primary Refugees’ press conference has generated considerable conversation at all levels of the church. There are reports of efforts to give Primaries across the church better safeguards to prevent the spread of the crisis and resources to handle current problems. Unnamed sources suggest that fathers of Primary children may receive additional training “so that when a crisis presents itself, they can step in, meet the needs, and not just play hangman for 35 minutes.”
In contrast with the buzz generated by the High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, the Moderate Commissioner for Adult Sunday School Refugees has seen his single suggestion for stopping his problem roundly rejected. That suggestion was the formation of an adult foyer or lobby class to count as Sunday School for those (perhaps willingly) wandering adults.
Monday, November 25, 2013
|Ancient American Turkey God attended by Ambulances|
In a practice that has its roots in Cro-Magnon traditions, males both young and old battle to establish dominance and to appease the god. In this particular version, participants seek the great Turkey god’s favor by offering their time, energy, dignity, physical well-being, and usually several ACLs.
Anthropologists note that older males who participate are required to rest their bodies for an entire year before the competition. This is typically done by sitting for hours each day in office chairs. They are encouraged to watch competitions, but must do so from a couch and while gorging themselves on high calorie and low nutrient foodstuffs.
Younger males are allowed to lead active lives but are prepared in other ways. These ritual participants are trained with menial tasks like lawn mowing and merit badge acquisition. Such tasks then combine with “stories of glory” on the part of elders that encourage a sense of inferiority. The young also have imposed upon them strict religious law codes that prohibit alcohol, tobacco, and sexual expression. All of this preparation—menial tasks, stories of glory from elders, and strict law codes—fuels a resentment that finds its fullest expression in subsequent vicious quarterback sacks, punishing, blindsided tackles, and dangerously low blocks that render the propitiating pain that the Turkey god demands.
The competition often begins with the ceremonial division of teams and ritualistic verbal interactions known as “trash talking.” Such verbal interactions set unreasonable expectations and foster the hostility and resentment needed to permanently damage knees, ankles, and backs as well as destroy any residual dignity or sense of brotherhood. While one older man, one who may retain some wisdom gleaned from past rituals, may offer to stay aloof from the competition, acting as the ceremonial “permanent QB (or quarterback),” even this individual will inevitably ascend into the maelstrom once the ritual violence and anger take hold.
Women who find themselves attached to the men and boys that feel compelled to ritually appease the great Turkey god may express initial trepidation, but most often relent to the pre-historic and pre-conscious need that the menfolk express. As a precaution, many women will make an initial call to a local medicine man or 911 dispatcher, encouraging them to have several ambulances on the ready.
Cultural critics and anthropologist alike have questioned whether women would be allowed to participate in such rituals. Said one Texas woman who had recently returned from a painfully disappointing meeting in Salt Lake, “I don’t care if they would let me in or not, I ain’t knockin’ at that door!” Speaking as well about female participation, one Florida woman said, “I would not want to intrude, since it is one of the few ways that men can get away with touching each other’s bodies.”
Monday, November 18, 2013
“Sure, it doesn’t roll off of the tongue like Braves, Chiefs, or Indians,” acknowledged Snyder, “but over time it will seem just as natural as a Utah team called the Jazz or a Los Angeles team called the Lakers.”
When asked about the cultural implications of such a name, Snyder said that “not only does this name acknowledge a fine Mormon heritage of raising up seed but I also like the intimidation factor.” On this point Snyder elaborated, “I mean for over a hundred and fifty years Americans have been freaked out by this practice, so this will make them quake in their boots when my glaringly fundamentalist football monsters show up to battle the merely monogamous 49ers, Patriots, or Cowboys.”
Snyder did have one major concern that seems to still be holding him back. “I know what some people might say about this team, and especially its name, and I am not insensitive to those implications,” said Snyder. “I, like everyone else who knows about Mormon history, can see how Seattle might change their name, and everyone knows that the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators would never want to defeat and destroy the Seattle Seagulls.”
Monday, November 11, 2013
|Friends Some Time Before Gary's Death|
Monday, November 4, 2013
|President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my|
Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume.
“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink his current church assignment.”
Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming somewhat distant. He was also storing away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia blouse. I figured it might be for something like this.”
Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.”
While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”
Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”
Monday, October 28, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
|Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle|
“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”
Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office. Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”
Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Below the transcript of the concerning email:
I am a Nigerian princess and I am in desperate need of someone who can teach me about how I can go to your heaven. I do not want to rot in some spirit prison, waiting for my no-good descendants to finally get me help. I will deposit $30,000,000.00 in genuine moneys into your bank account. Just send me the account number, the routing number, your social security number, date of birth, credit card number, security code, cell phone number, mother’s favorite teacher’s cat’s name, city of birth, names of siblings, blood type, emails of 5 friends who would also be interested in this exciting offer, and approximately when and how many hours your companion sleeps every night. I will send you money todays, and then I will send you my address so that you can come and teach me and the 8 other Nigerian princesses that live with me and our children. We have 42 children and they are all 9 years old. Please do not deny us the blessings of your gospel church and please send the requested information now so that we can all get much blessings.
Princess of Nigeria
This is not the first time that the church has warned missionaries about scams like this. Several years ago the church warned missionaries about a scam that asked them to send money to support a struggling former church authority. The leader had supposedly played Major League baseball and was a World War II veteran who had been miraculously saved in tense combat. Scammers sent out letters asking missionaries for donations with the slogan, “With your help he’s not Dunn yet!”
Monday, October 14, 2013
What can I say about how magnificent Kaitlyn is? She is great, and no matter what, she will be a great mom. She obviously loves me very much. She doesn’t do anything that would harm me as I grow. Of course she gets nervous and afraid. I can tell because that is when she eats a carton of vanilla birthday cake flavored ice cream and an entire Yosemite National Forest worth of gummy bears.
Kaitlyn loves music, and that will be nice. But it sounds like my possible adoptive mother, Amanda Skinner, is an accomplished violinist. Which is to say—Katilyn, I’m lovin’ the Beiber, but maybe some classical music and some lessons at home would be nice as well.
I know I cannot ask Kaitlyn to do for me what the Skinners could do. Sure, I can listen in while Kaitlyn practices her Spanish II homework, but Seth Skinner learned Spanish on his mission to Costa Rica, so he could teach me. And even Kaitlyn would say that Seth will be so much of a better dad than Dylan could ever be, especially since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kaitlyn and me. (Of course Dylan does have that great hair, and we can see a lot of Seth’s skull.)
Seth Skinner apparently has a good job and so does Amanda, so it will be easier for them in some ways to raise me. I know that Kaitlyn will do all that she can, and her mother and grandmother will help out. I am not really excited about Kaitlyn’s friends watching me. Her friend Ashlee has cracked the glass on three smartphones in the last 6 months, so she just doesn’t sound all that reliable to me. And even if I am walking by then, I don’t want them to dress me all up and take me to prom.
Kaitlyn is very brave. She kept me after Dylan tried to get her to not have me. She told everyone on her cheer squad and at church, and apparently some people have not been very nice. I know that Kaitlyn cries a lot because of how people make her feel. But I also heard that the Skinners have been praying and fasting for a long time for God to bless them with a child. I could never ask her myself, but maybe Kaitlyn could do one more brave thing and let the Skinners adopt me. Whatever she does, I thank God for my birth mother Kaitlyn.
Monday, October 7, 2013
|Elder Uchdorf may have had a larger|
audience than he thought
The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has found evidence of Moses Mahlungu’s time travel in the pages of his journal. Key pages date from the late 70’s and early 80’s. At that time, Brother Mahlangu could not attend church services in the building, but faithfully listened to the meetings via a window opened precisely for that purpose.
The journal pages recount the agonizing despair that Moses Mahlangu felt at that time. In one entry he mentions how “today one of the talks was about how all are equal to a loving God, and it was so difficult for me, because sometimes I feel like a second-class citizen.” The entry then added, “how is the Lord no respecter of persons yet those who claim to follow God treat me as less than them?”
It is precisely during the time when these messages are strongest and most heartbreaking that Moses Mahlangu describes traveling to the future “in a silver car with the doors going up like gull wings.” He elaborates that there was a “crazy-looking driver, with wild gray hair” who took him to a large building. In the building, Brother Mahlangu found a man with “seemingly perfect gray hear, speaking with love and power.”
Of this man’s talk, Brother Mahlangu wrote, “at first I was surprised, since it was unusual for me to hear a man with a German accent speak with such compassion and love.” Brother Mahlangu continued, “I felt so strongly the influence of the Holy Spirit as he spoke, and when he mentioned that there are times when leaders and members make mistakes, I felt such relief.”
In the same entry, Brother Mahlangu said that “I had such an outpouring of peace when he acknowledged that there may have been things said and done that were not in harmony with the church’s values, principles, and doctrine.” “By the end,” reported Mahlangu, “I felt the desire to bring my talents and my differences to the Church, and to bring them fully if the day ever comes that I could give them completely.”
Brother Mahlangu seems to have never reported his time travel to others. His journal only notes that, “we had to return early from the weird trip since the guy had to pick up some kid and take him to the past or present or something, so I only heard one speaker.” As a final note Brother Mahlangu said, “the church meeting that I visited in the future was wonderful, but I wonder who the other speakers were and what they talked about?”