tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63222182102724582422024-03-14T02:15:12.711-04:00The Mormon Tabernacle EnquirerMormon matter uncorrelated.Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.comBlogger305125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-84561160927956276182023-06-12T07:00:00.003-04:002023-06-15T11:51:34.891-04:00WHAT IS YOUR WARD GIVING MEN FOR FATHER'S DAY?<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_7dgp0mmrOutU6GRZ7ctMPUu4xR_sb0lx5YAoGwFu_OlXaYAjqfWjci4PdiOo7EbMJWYDKkCGYy5pSr5DiQ0rCLLEeqCZ_PbdkouEiOgSkcs4w3gumJXm77YzbE9QzJFBehSLii0OnjjDUTRxAr-FgLZng8AXbobhrSN3fSwtoyxngW2HUDoAiWwk/s2100/What%20is%20your%20ward%20giving%20men%20for%20fathers%20day%20copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="2100" height="549" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_7dgp0mmrOutU6GRZ7ctMPUu4xR_sb0lx5YAoGwFu_OlXaYAjqfWjci4PdiOo7EbMJWYDKkCGYy5pSr5DiQ0rCLLEeqCZ_PbdkouEiOgSkcs4w3gumJXm77YzbE9QzJFBehSLii0OnjjDUTRxAr-FgLZng8AXbobhrSN3fSwtoyxngW2HUDoAiWwk/w640-h549/What%20is%20your%20ward%20giving%20men%20for%20fathers%20day%20copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> <p></p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-56987528205623749252022-05-02T08:00:00.017-04:002023-04-17T09:06:08.838-04:00FOLLOW-UP STATEMENTS WHEN YOU TELL YOUR FAMILY YOU ARE LEAVING THE CHURCH<p>The great jazz musician Miles Davis is reported to have said, “When you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note that you play
that determines if it’s good or bad.” The next note can make the situation worse, or it can make what seemed like a wrong note sound right. This is true for music, and it is double true when you are telling
your family that you are leaving the church. After the initial, “I’m leaving” or
“I have left the church,” what comes next can make all of the difference. Say the right thing, and you can smooth your path with your family out of the church. Botch this and no matter what you say they will take it as someone screaming how great tea tastes from the great and spacious building. So, like a well-cleared path out of Mormonism (and you can say that now), here is the Mormon (or maybe Exmormon) Tabernacle Enquirer guide to
follow-up statements after telling your family that you are leaving
the church. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipuWVbCxlpNnz9TCkwHGxxBgcYrt8ong0-UrZvEhxrWFXfgSo0UFnVqMKI66DtwPgCN7ktgeoyuGCVLSK2nl_ZRumgm44nHH6Ev2NvzrfJTgq2m3_H7EvGWQhTblpG3X_sL08k43RQkhpDROGhzqibZ-dhCuZ6hbjv4EuqQ2ci2R8Wsa1hfsgdLrVT/s2100/Leaving%20the%20Church%20Follow%20Up%20Statements.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1800" data-original-width="2100" height="548" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipuWVbCxlpNnz9TCkwHGxxBgcYrt8ong0-UrZvEhxrWFXfgSo0UFnVqMKI66DtwPgCN7ktgeoyuGCVLSK2nl_ZRumgm44nHH6Ev2NvzrfJTgq2m3_H7EvGWQhTblpG3X_sL08k43RQkhpDROGhzqibZ-dhCuZ6hbjv4EuqQ2ci2R8Wsa1hfsgdLrVT/w640-h548/Leaving%20the%20Church%20Follow%20Up%20Statements.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-83855937874313816832022-03-07T00:00:00.007-05:002022-03-08T13:43:27.723-05:00CHURCH DISCONTINUES USE OF LONG-STANDING NURSERY MANUAL TITLED “SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK!”<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg26s_8MhCkuF7ejsp3q7eQRyAREqNiSCftppMt0j6zoFl7bI2EQDBrNbbT-28mGN9rOqjdssN7w9ZJmTQtsjQzOG9vb82ItbplJDEPzpMcDgV-_6JmGpnmsdNyTrchdvPQx3UAfXq2j_HvY2QsE69Jd9d9kXazPOZWSPvYpmgcqoILvFNSOHdWCsao=s2578" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2578" data-original-width="2578" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg26s_8MhCkuF7ejsp3q7eQRyAREqNiSCftppMt0j6zoFl7bI2EQDBrNbbT-28mGN9rOqjdssN7w9ZJmTQtsjQzOG9vb82ItbplJDEPzpMcDgV-_6JmGpnmsdNyTrchdvPQx3UAfXq2j_HvY2QsE69Jd9d9kXazPOZWSPvYpmgcqoILvFNSOHdWCsao=s320" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Wildly Popular <br />though Now Discontinued Manual</td></tr></tbody></table>Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is
discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never
Coming Back!”<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max
Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third
ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the
guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little
kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many
sabbath mornings.” Fielding reported bringing his acoustic guitar so that,
later on, he could play another song the manual suggested—the classic Eagles’
tune “Hotel California.” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The manual also suggested games that proved very popular
over time. Said Natalie Springs of Boca Raton, Florida, “Oh, the kids always had
so much fun with the Mad Libs game with words removed from the sacrament
prayers.” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Another favorite game was She’s Never Coming Back Matching.
In this version of the classic matching game, Nursery leaders had small
pictures of the kids that the children then had to match with the picture of their mother.
In this variation, Nursery leaders would discreetly remove the pictures of the
mothers so that the kids could never find their match. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sandy Richmond of College Park, Maryland said this of the
manual: “the snack suggestions were excellent! The kids loved the combination
of Oreos, jalapeno potato chips in ranch dressing, lemonade, and kimchi!” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“I for one plan on keeping the classic closing song,” said
Jamie Perkins of El Paso Texas. “It just won’t be Nursery for me if the kids
don’t leave singing the music of ‘Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam’ but with the
lyrics “Jesus Said I Don’t Need a Car Seat.” <o:p></o:p></p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-40622924609471602712022-02-21T00:00:00.009-05:002022-05-16T09:39:25.718-04:00 CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW LDS PLUS PROGRAM<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh6pbOQljLh11Zfg6B74yXkrru8j1i38vrXFlET-XIZkT2TWSESSSfGwZZOi7TUDj0JYzVb3fxbuFZRRLO1FoQUeampxAe1aU1x7pMyti7Wx5KiRPtea0-MVTyJld52AGtTyTFPAswMQtWmwj79cnZMjgSX4yazhwOFVybzMoltjWSalflZRwJQoMBw=s801" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="779" data-original-width="801" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh6pbOQljLh11Zfg6B74yXkrru8j1i38vrXFlET-XIZkT2TWSESSSfGwZZOi7TUDj0JYzVb3fxbuFZRRLO1FoQUeampxAe1aU1x7pMyti7Wx5KiRPtea0-MVTyJld52AGtTyTFPAswMQtWmwj79cnZMjgSX4yazhwOFVybzMoltjWSalflZRwJQoMBw=s320" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Early Concept for a Program Logo</td></tr></tbody></table>Salt Lake City, UT—At a morning press conference broadcast
from Church headquarters, spokesperson Hillary Markeson announced the new LDS
Plus program. “We are very excited,” said Markeson, “about how this program
will give unprecedented access and freedom for those who value their membership
enough to pitch in a little more to build the kingdom.” Markeson followed up
that “for a mere one percent more in one’s annual tithing donations, members
will get VIS treatment.” When asked if she meant “VIP,” Markeson clarified that
no, “VIS” means “Very Important Saint.”<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The bulk of the press conference was given over to
describing the program’s “many temporal and spiritual benefits.” LDS Plus
members would get, according to Markeson, priority sacrament delivery. Asked to
clarify that, Markeson explained that special, “extra worthy” deacons would
pass the sacrament to LDS Plus members immediately after the meeting’s
presiding authority. </p><p class="MsoNormal">When reporters asked Markeson if Plus members would
finally be able to reserve seats that they or their families sit in every
Sunday, Markeson promised that this option would be coming in late 2022 or
early 2023. She said that church building authorities were still working on a
system that would keep people, often visitors or new members, from sitting
where some members always sit. Markeson elaborated that “we’re still working on
an Interloper Removal System involving several small, discreet tasers.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Besides priority sacrament delivery, LDS Plus members would
get access to any non-Elders-Quorum-sanctioned-but-with-all-of-the-cool-brothers fantasy sports
leagues. “Everyone wants to be included,” said Markeson “and no man wants to feel
left out during sacrament meeting when someone whispers to a disappointed male
friend that his running back just got him 11 points.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Markeson’s LDS Plus presentation crescendoed with the program’s
final two benefits. The first was “a lower threshold of acceptance into the
church educational welfare program that is Brigham Young University’s three
campuses.” Revised categorization would give LDS Plus members advantages in
getting into BYU. LDS Plus members in Utah would have the advantage of being
classified as “Non-Utahn, living in some heathen place like the Dakotas or the
entire East Coast.” Female LDS Plus members applying from east of the
Mississippi would be classified as “males who need BYU to not screw up their
lives.” Male LDS Plus members from that same region would be flagged as “We
have to get some guys into BYU so that women can find husbands.” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The program’s final benefit is the Temple Recommend Slide
By. This LDS Plus benefit allows members to “take a pass on up to two temple
recommend questions.” Markeson reported that “this will be a huge benefit to
Plus members who like a discreet morning coffee but still want to attend a niece,
nephew or even their own child’s temple sealing.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Reporters who had heard rumors about the LDS Plus program
noticed one much anticipated benefit that was not mentioned. Markeson responded
to their question this way: “Yes, later this year we will be rolling out the
LDS Premium Plus program, and yes, I can tell you now that that program will guarantee
that members will get the most coveted church calling—the one with an important
sounding title but where you don’t have to do anything—Counselor in the Stake
Sunday School Presidency.”<o:p></o:p></p>
Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-67870991562235998082021-05-31T01:00:00.004-04:002021-05-31T10:51:05.522-04:00THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO HOW TO GET YOUR WIFE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ApMuwJ9Dv5t2jTNa32foji9YHVfixjeOOJbKOiC7TiUPqRixX6dMwv190pWGHouSYfLJSIim8qyjWptRGICKcbcFn4pGf2sQTej0fg-9kt3n-KAnxA8veaTR0cTfxjjTiHL8af_8xAo/s2048/Sex_Fallen.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1716" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ApMuwJ9Dv5t2jTNa32foji9YHVfixjeOOJbKOiC7TiUPqRixX6dMwv190pWGHouSYfLJSIim8qyjWptRGICKcbcFn4pGf2sQTej0fg-9kt3n-KAnxA8veaTR0cTfxjjTiHL8af_8xAo/s320/Sex_Fallen.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sex has been filthy since the Fall</td></tr></tbody></table>It is a very difficult time to be a Mormon man. In the good
old days, you could just point at the bed and your dutiful wife would do her
wifely duty and lie completely inert while you took care of your urges. Heck,
she might have even gotten a kid out of it! Today’s modern Mormon men don’t
have the luxuries of the past, so the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for
you. Use any or all of those time-tested methods, and you will get sex from a completely numb and disconnected wife.<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Properly Understand Sex. </b>David might have killed
Goliath, but sex killed David! Since sex is a filthy corruption in this
fallen world, men must convince women to do it. Women are, by nature, purer and
more holy than men, and that is why they don’t need the priesthood. Women do
sex to appease the animal side of men and, as a reward (and punishment), women get children. Keep
in mind that you must be the constant and steady gas of the sexual car in order
to overcome your wife’s constant braking. If her braking it too strong, sometimes
you have to take the direct approach and give it a little (or not so little!) push. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Clean the Garage.</b> Some men are not well suited to the
direct approach. That is fine—you have to know who you
are. Some men will have more success with cleaning the garage. What I mean by that is that if you do your husbandly duties then she will have to do her wifely
duties. It is that simple. Some women just get it. They know that if you are
making dinner or washing her car or turning off the tv so that “you can talk,”
this means that it is time for her to do her duty. Oh, those inspired women!
But some women will need reminders and hints. You may need to make a big
deal out of picking up the kids from soccer practice or mowing the lawn so she will know that you expect dutiful and indifferent intercourse that night. You may
have to figure out for yourself how to remind her that she is responsible for your
sexual needs.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Touch her Heart.</b> Some women don’t respond well
to either of the above approaches. Naturally they don’t want sex themselves.
The idea that sex could be a gracious giving between loving partners, a chance for play, and opportunity to see and be seen, a gift of genuine growth, and a source
of joy goes against how God punished our first parents and how
nowadays sex is pornographic exploitation. Women, being more spiritual, understand
that sex turns them into objects, and they are okay with that. Sometimes all
that they need are reminders that they have all of the power in the relationship,
and that if they don’t let you do sex on them, then they make you feel worthless,
powerless, small, and ugly. Remind them of how bad she makes you feel. Your reminder is an act of charity, her
sensitive nature will be pricked ever so lovingly, and she will recall her grim sexual stewardship. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The Wages of Sin Are Porn.</b> None of us like to tell
the innocent ears what I’m about to say, but some women need to be reminded
that the only way for men to avoid porn, masturbation, and other excessive behaviors is for women to give men a steady amount of sex.
Men’s needs are too powerful for them to control. God gave men these powerful
needs to test them and to try them, but women have an important obligation to
keep men from porn, masturbation, and other excesses by giving men sex. Women
need to know that with great power comes great responsibility, and the wages of them not laying there, closing their eyes, and thinking of Zion is
porn. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Use A Therapist/Podcast/Book/Workshop to Change Her.</b>
Modern Mormon men also know the value of modern tools to help women be as dutiful
as they once were. If she is not giving you enough sex, consider taking her to
a therapist, telling her to listen to a podcast or read a book, or taking her
to a workshop that will get her to have more sex with you. But keep in mind
that they should be gospel-based. They should remind women of their divine
nature as pure beings as well as their duties and stewardship. Anything other
than obedience is risky at best.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A Word of Warning.</b> “Risky” is an important word here.
Sex should not be risky at all. Instead of some vulgar “risky business,” sex should
make men feel validated, accepted, and important. Sex is the way she tells you
that you are special. You must have that steady, constant, reassuring message. Loyal, faithful, and obedient women also get validation, acceptance, and a sense of importance by miserably succumbing, and, voila, all is well in Zion. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Some “modern” and “worldly” people, and even Mormons who
have fallen under the spell of worldly ideas, claim that sex should be risky in
that the two partners can allow themselves to be really seen for who they are. This
foolish approach means showing emotional, mental, and spiritual weakness and
doubt. It means being honest, taking responsibility for your desires, and
focusing on how sex freely allows both of you to create good in the world. This is a
bad idea for two reasons—how will your wife respect you if she sees your
doubts, insecurities, and failures? How will she always make you feel special,
accepted, and important if she has doubts about how special, acceptable, and
important you might be? And the second reason is even worse—what if she really
sees you and doesn’t like what she sees? Sure, maybe you tricked her in the
past, but what might happen if she sees the real you? What if you tell her your
desires and fantasies and she’s creeped out by them? No man could ever overcome that sort of rejection. Giving your whole self to her could never be worth that kind of risk and outcome.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>If All Else Fails.</b> One final, helpful tip. Just like
how the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that <a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/61?lang=eng" target="_blank">Satan controls the water </a>(and that
is why missionaries are not allowed to go swimming!), so we can see that Satan
controls sex. To limit this destructive force, we have good and pure women in
our lives. Heavenly Mother is so pure that prophets have told us over and over again to never talk about her! (Sorry that I wrote that, Heavenly Mother. (oh, wait, sorry again...I’ll stop here.)) Pure wives in Zion are the opposite of the nasty women in porn or in sexy movies. With
the helpful tips given above, you can help your wife do her duty, but, if not, remember we live in a fallen world. While the path of sin and repentance is a long and
windy one, some men find it helpful to release the pressure of their urges with
a quick hookup or two with someone from work, with an old friend they found on social
media, with a wild woman, or even with an adventuresome hussy from the ward. The
nice thing about these little escapades is that since she’s not your wife, you
can do all of the sexy things you’ve always wanted to do. She will probably be
up for anything. You can let the fantasies that you would never let pollute
your wife’s pure mind run wild with this stranger. You can have her dress up in
pioneer clothes, point to the bed, and then experience your crazy crossing-the-plains-in-a-covered-wagon-and-getting-busy-before-the-Indian-attack sexual fantasy with her! This will actually help you stop bothering your wife for sex and can
make you cheerful. Suddenly you’ll be cleaning the garage for no reason at all! Some men report that when they stop putting their wife in
charge of their sexuality, they feel much less like parasites. The other woman doesn’t care
about therapists, podcasts, books, or workshops—she is a fallen and lustful woman who unnaturally seems to enjoy sex just for the sake of having sex. What a tramp! And another
bonus is that she doesn’t care about you, so you never need to risk
revealing yourself or your hopes, fears, or insecurities with her. This delightful fling will be
your little heaven in the <a href="http://motabenquirer.blogspot.com/2014/08/sure-affair-would-damn-me-and-devestate.html" target="_blank">absolute emotional and spiritual hell you will create</a>.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Modern Mormon man, use these tips, and this can be a great time to be
you!<o:p></o:p></p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-30603063156640240482021-01-18T00:00:00.002-05:002021-05-25T15:02:56.946-04:00FAMILY DRAFTS POST-MORTAL VISITATION SCHEDULE FOR UNCLE CARL IN HIS LOWER DEGREE OF GLORY<p></p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3ggjgCPeN9tbtF8BZykdy3kirEFBRGK7hcli_z3iQJZ4FhZExQK022TbJlOXqGTFqQsHzoopnkBREYrhuKGQAJXZJMNtez49BlefMSdxKfExfdsr0UlKE8mnh7YFUy1ZbjggIDAoXEM/s1511/degrees-glory-sun-moon-stars-1553736-print.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1511" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE3ggjgCPeN9tbtF8BZykdy3kirEFBRGK7hcli_z3iQJZ4FhZExQK022TbJlOXqGTFqQsHzoopnkBREYrhuKGQAJXZJMNtez49BlefMSdxKfExfdsr0UlKE8mnh7YFUy1ZbjggIDAoXEM/s320/degrees-glory-sun-moon-stars-1553736-print.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left</td></tr></tbody></table>Highland, UT—It all started with Paistyn Healey and her
family’s discussion of the plan of salvation. As Paistyn’s father Daniel
explained that, in addition to the Celestial Kingdom, there were two other,
lower degrees of glory, Paistyn asked what made someone miss out on living with
God and their family forever and instead being consigned to a place either moon-like
or star-like in its dimness. Paistyn’s father mentioned common shortcomings
that would disqualify one from Celestial glory. Brother Healey could see that
his curious eight-year-old still did not understand. At that point, Paistyn’s older
brother Tayverson blurted out, “you know, people like Uncle Carl.” The light of
understanding glowed on Paistyn’s face in spite of her parents feeble,
half-hearted attempts to suggest that perhaps Carl might still be Celestial.<p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Only a few days later, when her mother was looking at the
week’s dinner menu, the kind-hearted Paistyn asked her if Uncle Carl would be
lonely in his vastly inferior and eternal abode. When she tried to reassure her
daughter that Uncle Carl would feel comfortable with other people like him,
Paistyn was not consoled. After several more questions about Uncle Carl’s
everlasting disappointment, sorrow, and isolation, Sister Healey told her
daughter that they could make a schedule for when members of the family would
descend from their Celestial heights to check in on Uncle Carl. This put a
smile on Paistyn’s face, and soon her brothers Thryson, Ringer, and Smyth as
well as sisters Jaxx and Tamrythaäl were all on board. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As news of the schedule spread to other Healeys, including Uncle
Carl’s two sons, many other family members requested that their names be added
to the Excel spreadsheet. At press time, more than twenty-two family members
have agreed to spend at least 10 minutes every one hundred years with Uncle
Carl, time which doubtlessly will be like cool drops of water on his parched
spiritual tongue. When cousin Sean asked that his name be added to the
rotation, Daniel Healey smiled and made the addition, though most in the family
quietly but firmly believe cousin Sean will probably be with Uncle Carl
already. Some suspect that Uncle Carl might be going down to visit cousin Sean.
<o:p></o:p></p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-87361417862971039982020-08-31T08:00:00.001-04:002020-08-31T09:02:42.663-04:00HANDBOOK UPDATE ALLOWS PRIESTHOOD ANOINTINGS WITH CHICK-FIL-A SAUCE<p><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBnz7fVJWONy3nEUrm2WlQDIQ-zqT3CGoKutAqMa-zEYUfUNug2T4H0HDz1HLbx8neCwflNpzrGwkOzgzFL0XPBH-d4hkK5McCEmVybSPnVua8EhKIDV62SzpSiSqZFqEHe7_P4I67Crk/s1440/Chick-fil-A-sauce.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1440" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBnz7fVJWONy3nEUrm2WlQDIQ-zqT3CGoKutAqMa-zEYUfUNug2T4H0HDz1HLbx8neCwflNpzrGwkOzgzFL0XPBH-d4hkK5McCEmVybSPnVua8EhKIDV62SzpSiSqZFqEHe7_P4I67Crk/w410-h274/Chick-fil-A-sauce.jpg" width="410" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You can almost feel the holy just looking at it<br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />Salt Lake City, UT—Among the recent updates to the church’s
General Handbook is a provision that allows priesthood holders to anoint the
sick with Chick-fil-A sauce.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“We simply want to expand the repertoire of holy substances
that can be used to heal the sick,” said church spokesperson Daniel Fuller. Fuller
continued that “we’ve all been caught, from time-to-time, without consecrated
oil, but I know my van has at least four packs of Chick-fil-A sauce in it right
now.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuller said that the “healing powers of Chick-fil-A’s
signature sauce have long been respected by both church leaders at the highest
levels and members at large. This policy simply acknowledges what is patently obvious.”
<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Asked about any possible differences in administration, Fuller
noted that the handbook makes it clear that, with Chick-fil-A sauce, “when anointing
an individual wearing a toupee, the artificial surface should be discreetly shifted
or removed to allow the healing sauce to come in direct contact with the scalp
of the infirmed.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Fuller did acknowledge that “questions remain about the spiritual
efficacy of Polynesian, Honey Mustard, and Zesty Buffalo sauce.” Said Fuller, <o:p></o:p>“we are awaiting further light and knowledge about those sauces.”</p>Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-82096584579669430462018-06-17T09:43:00.001-04:002018-06-17T09:43:26.162-04:00Happy Father's Day!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEids2NkrVOQokpe7kYNnuM9NGtWv590KY6noXRs-WT3FGOBhHEDW0W_rZDvYgWtmPEiaP8u2Rf0KZW9jxOMuv5F2KbPZT4n-_gtIQNzBlwIYSgThChoZqXakGubqFpzBIO8ZlgfXkj8oz4/s1600/Fatherhood.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEids2NkrVOQokpe7kYNnuM9NGtWv590KY6noXRs-WT3FGOBhHEDW0W_rZDvYgWtmPEiaP8u2Rf0KZW9jxOMuv5F2KbPZT4n-_gtIQNzBlwIYSgThChoZqXakGubqFpzBIO8ZlgfXkj8oz4/s640/Fatherhood.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-22528939634839075722018-05-07T08:00:00.000-04:002018-05-07T10:34:46.321-04:00VISITING AUTHORITY DEMONSTRATES HOW TO NOT LEAD A DISCUSSION<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNTRTqqfug-v5RCT5Fqm7xFvKuj4lgPZDIPzpadevtah8YTF9k1NdPFSHWN_M2xoFFUi1-9wMSJE2WYBWV5UZYmq1TO9N1_Fwr7p-SrK-KwZrZ-l_omM3VYbhn5gDfEPhezCGz8-6jU8w/s1600/faith-music-with-a-message.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNTRTqqfug-v5RCT5Fqm7xFvKuj4lgPZDIPzpadevtah8YTF9k1NdPFSHWN_M2xoFFUi1-9wMSJE2WYBWV5UZYmq1TO9N1_Fwr7p-SrK-KwZrZ-l_omM3VYbhn5gDfEPhezCGz8-6jU8w/s320/faith-music-with-a-message.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Deepest, Truest Reason to Share Gospel:<br />So Families Can Be Sealed Eternally</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Akron, OH—A recent visit by a member of the Ninth Quorum of
the Seventy provided stake conference goers in the Akron Ohio stake with a
powerful lesson on how to not lead a church discussion. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“It was really life-changing instruction,” said Samantha
Craig, “I mean, I took careful notes because he made just about every mistake imaginable!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sister Craig and others explained that Brother Todd
Jenkinson’s youth fireside, stake leadership meeting, and adult session of
stake conference featured what were meant to be gospel discussions with the
audience. “I’m sure he’s a good, inspired man,” said Craig, “but when you start
a youth fireside by saying that you didn’t prepare anything and you’re just
going to rely upon the Spirit, well, you had better bring some great Spirit or
those kids are just gonna tune you out.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most in attendance acknowledge that Brother Jenkinson failed
to bring “some great Spirit” to that meeting, and many of his young audience did
indeed tune out. What added to the awkwardness were when Brother Jenkinson called
the youth out for being on their phones, but his efforts to seem fun and
playful failed to mask his genuine annoyance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another mistake Craig and others noticed was Brother Jenkinson’s
habit of asking what seemed like open questions, but for which he clearly had very
specific answers in mind. At one point, Brother Jenkinson asked the youth,
“what is the most important reason why we share the gospel with our friends?”
One bright, cheerful young woman shot up her hand, was called on, and replied,
“so that they can avoid the dangers and evils of the world around us.” Brother
Jenkinson told her that that is a good reason, “but there is an even deeper
reason why we share the gospel.” Another youth replied that it is “so others
can have Christ’s blessings.” Again Brother Jenkinson acknowledge that that is
an important reason, but then directed the youth to a scripture in the Doctrine
and Covenants. After reading about eternal blessings, Brother Jenkinson
clarified that the “real, deep, scriptural reason” why we share the gospel is
so that those around us “can one day go to the temple and be sealed as
families.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Um, okay, I guess that is true,” said youth participant Alma
Campbell, “but those other reasons seemed good too, but, um, I guess they are
not as right....”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In addition to using what seem like open questions to play what
we could call the “Guess What I’m Thinking” game, Brother Jenkinson also had a
habit of uncomfortably “restating” what some speakers meant. In the stake
leadership meeting, when discussing how to minister to ward members, one member
said that “we minister by loving members for who they are,” to which Brother
Jenkinson said, “and by that you mean we love them for what they can be and
what the Lord wants them to be.” Another member said that “I try to be patient
yet reliable,” to which Brother Jenkinson said, “what this dear brother means
by that is that we are loving enough to know when to not take no for an answer.” While
this seemed to get to the points Brother Jenkinson saw as important, it left
many participants more than a little uncomfortable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another common technique was “careful” scripture analysis to
get at the points Brother Jenkinson wanted to make. After studying a scripture
from the Old Testament, Brother Jenkinson asked members of the stake presidency
what it meant. When all three failed to make the imaginative connection Jenkinson had in
mind, another member, with plenty of prompting from the visiting Authority,
noted how the flying serpents symbolize the fear and discouragement that get in
the way of “true ministering.” Brother Jenkinson praised the member who made
the comment, following that praise up with a joke about the relative spiritual
insight of stake members in contrast with the stake presidency. It was an
awkward attempt at humor that largely fell flat. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While many members found some inspiration in Brother
Jenkinson’s “discussions,” others found them quite frustrating. Still, members
like Samantha Craig felt very inspired. “It isn’t every meeting,” said Craig,
“where you see a leader make almost every possible mistake, you know, bringing
them all together so you can see them, remember them, and avoid them.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Craig concluded, “it is amazing how the Lord uses His chosen
vessels!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-9809835496574662302018-04-30T08:00:00.000-04:002018-04-30T08:00:11.073-04:00GOD SOMEHOW STILL LOVES LOCAL MASTURBATER<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi14S9H3vH3X8jYWpwFD0gPOaxtPHsKnj0FDWPsZyU7TJeDGPLTZ4B-pMO9_GGww3pfeF4K4hLXwIOsuvpQq5V6lzZLFzVhmNtc_qyILhrEjPHa2BA6Jaf_nVPE6evWjL35qVrpB3pDRSw/s1600/Masturbater+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1143" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi14S9H3vH3X8jYWpwFD0gPOaxtPHsKnj0FDWPsZyU7TJeDGPLTZ4B-pMO9_GGww3pfeF4K4hLXwIOsuvpQq5V6lzZLFzVhmNtc_qyILhrEjPHa2BA6Jaf_nVPE6evWjL35qVrpB3pDRSw/s320/Masturbater+copy.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Salt Lake City, UT—In an unexpected press conference, God
clarified that He actually does love everyone including an unnamed local
masturbater.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I find it odd that some are so surprised,” said He who
created Heaven and Earth “that I can find it in Me to love someone who rather
regularly masturbates, but yep, I can!” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The announcement seems to have been made to set the record
straight on how God loves all of God’s children. God further elaborated that
“some seem to believe that some sin or any sin disqualifies one from feeling
loved or even having My Spirit with them, but nope—you can make mistakes and
still be loved and Spiritually encouraged.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A reporter on hand posed a question on many people’s
minds—isn’t sexual sin like masturbation close to murder? In typical quiet
majesty, God replied that murder robs another of his or her chance to live and
choose, and murder puts in human hands what God wants to control—when His children leave mortality. The Father of All said that while rape might
come close to murder, self-stimulation to orgasm or even consensual sex with
another “are very far from the soul-destroying power of murder.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When asked about scriptures that connect sexual sin and murder,
God encouraged all present to think about how Alma had once gone about trying
to destroy the spirits of others by leading them from the gospel, and that that
is what he was <a href="https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/pdf/143-34-43.pdf" target="_blank">warning his son Corianton about</a>. “Of course sexual sin is like
murder,” said God, “but only when those sins kill souls and take others away
from Me, but masturbation doesn’t do that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When asked why He was taking time to say this now, God said
that “I have too many of my children feeling too much shame, guilt, and sorrow
over this,” and “it just seems like you are ready for us to get past the Victorians and to place this habit
within its proper context.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When asked what He meant by “proper context,” God explained
that, “well, think about it—if the only sin committed by all of my children was
masturbation, what kind of world would this be?” Answering His own question, He
said “no more spouse abuse or child abuse, no more wars,
terrorism, robberies, fraud, political corruption, or systematic exploitation of the
poor and vulnerable.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Still seemingly confused, one reporter asked, “yah, but
doesn’t masturbation lead to serious sexual sin, sex addiction, prostitution,
sexual deviance, pedophilia, and the promotion of pornography?” To this
question God responded that “how worried would you be that a small child who
told a lie would get involved in massive fraud or embezzling or how worried
would you be that a nursery-age child who hit or bit another child would grow up to
be a murderer?” God then continued, “yes, bad behavior can lead to other bad
behavior, but please don’t assume that one mistake or even habit is a slippery slope that
always leads to a terrible, terrible pit.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Toward the conclusion of the press conference, God revealed
that “Me and Your Heavenly Mother want you to love and cherish your bodies, and
We want you to use them in ways that are consistent with your values, but hey,
as you are learning about your bodies, don’t let your mistakes or weakness fool you
into thinking We don’t love you.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The worst,” interjected Heavenly Mother, “is when you feel so much guilt
and shame that you don’t talk to Us, because I cannot tell you how much your
Heavenly Father and I love to hear your voices!”</div>
Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-902728915028705212018-04-16T08:00:00.000-04:002018-04-16T08:41:58.777-04:00CHURCH QUIETLY INTRODUCES “WEDDING OFFERING” TEMPLE SEALING FEESalt Lake City, UT—The church has quietly started requesting what it calls at “wedding offering” in the form of a “modest
temple marriage fee.” When couples have been calling various temples to request
times for sealings, they have been asked if they would like to “give something
back to the Lord” as a way to show gratitude “for the blessing of eternal
marriage.”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMaX9PMvZk6WeKkv6BHM61oWJRUJeMb_25tj8v8NYO_IJhKybLKRjcUCovbLh81U0OB7wr1hjJI8_VaebcMuvvnuDgdlsVra1qgp35zdrqXHlKIq1-lI_RB0I7QKpMV1KLJBCVyuxUMBc/s1600/fresno-mormon-temple22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMaX9PMvZk6WeKkv6BHM61oWJRUJeMb_25tj8v8NYO_IJhKybLKRjcUCovbLh81U0OB7wr1hjJI8_VaebcMuvvnuDgdlsVra1qgp35zdrqXHlKIq1-lI_RB0I7QKpMV1KLJBCVyuxUMBc/s320/fresno-mormon-temple22.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Insiders Reassure Everyone that <br />Fresno will Always Be Free</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I was kind of surprised,” said Kaitlynn Parkins, a BYU
student who recently got engaged to Coldyn Lober. Sister Parkins explained that
“the woman at the temple asked if we would like to make a temple offering, but
I had never heard of that.” After it was explained to her, Parkins said that “she’d
have to check with her parents about that.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At present, it seems that only the more historic or photogenic temples are making the request. Workers
at the Salt Lake temple, for example, recommend an offering “between $70 and $90.” One
recently engaged couple was told to “take ten percent of what you are spending
on the wedding, and offer that back to the temple, to show God how much the temple
means to you.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While reports have come in that the Salt Lake, Logan, San Diego,
Washington DC, and Provo City temples may require the few by year’s end, other
temples do not anticipate such a fee requirement. As one church insider told
the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, “I’d say that any temple that would fit into
the baptistery of the Jordan River temple, you know, like your Raleigh North
Carolina or Columbia South Carolina temple, will not even mention the possible
donation.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are also reports that couples with higher long-range
earning potential may be pressed to offer more. A second church insider
mentioned lists of BYU Business and Finance majors who, if they request temple
sealings, “would be encourage to offer back to God what their God-given gifts
will help them earn in the long-run.” In contrast, Humanities, Anthropology/Folklore, Early Childhood
Education, and Social Work majors are quietly being told that not only does the
Lord not request any more “widow’s mites” from them, but that the day may soon
come when they will be permitted to pay tithing at 6 or even 5.5%.</div>
Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-81190918308788734222018-02-12T08:00:00.000-05:002018-02-12T09:00:55.878-05:00LET’S FACE IT—ROB PORTER SHOULD NOT HAVE RESIGNED<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowfcOFxwlai7d9cuDNOOLErm_hCaK0teA8wT-DEcDrNSFrYKbY_5YGpZmu2UifxVQS5hb6LsbYZcwLNyuS9XWIC2g_63U30pJuDo_mFq2w1sRfCratPA8n0OuwDgh2WqGlqHjB2uBRZ0/s1600/whitehouse-porter-4thld-writethru-61e2bad4-0c86-11e8-95a5-c396801049ef.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="826" data-original-width="620" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgowfcOFxwlai7d9cuDNOOLErm_hCaK0teA8wT-DEcDrNSFrYKbY_5YGpZmu2UifxVQS5hb6LsbYZcwLNyuS9XWIC2g_63U30pJuDo_mFq2w1sRfCratPA8n0OuwDgh2WqGlqHjB2uBRZ0/s320/whitehouse-porter-4thld-writethru-61e2bad4-0c86-11e8-95a5-c396801049ef.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Probably Makeup</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Commentary by Calvin Best</i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of this news about Rob Porter, who I am sure is a good, upstanding member of the church, should cause all of us to pause and reflect. What could have led to this situation? What is going on in our society and government that is causing such a stir?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know Brother Porter personally, but he served both Senator Hatch and Mike Lee. These are two powerful, righteous men of God who only surround themselves with other righteous men of God. Porter has toiled side-by-side with our duly elected Commander-in-Chief, working tirelessly to make America great again. So, given those facts, what should we make of this situation? I think that any reasonable person would agree that Brother Porter should not have resigned, should not have stopped doing America’s important work, especially since we can be sure that if something happened in the past, it is past and was properly addressed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first thing to remember, as members of the church, is that if Brother Porter had been guilty of any of this stuff, inspired church leaders would have already handled it. If the wives went to the bishops, those men would have got to the bottom of all of it. If there were “crimes” committed, then they would have made sure justice was served. We all know that, especially with men, mercy cannot rob justice. If it was true that he made some mistakes, like all of us do, then, if Brother Porter is now a temple-recommend holder, he must have repented. How can we continue to hold against him what he has repented of? If it was not true, which I think we can all see is probably the real truth, then why would these reports cause such a stir? I think we can all see that forces of the deep state and liberal media, the modern day Gadianton robbers that the Book of Mormon warns us about, are still trying to stick their puny arm out and stop the work of the Lord and his earthly servants! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second thing to remember is that not only are all church leaders wise, inspired men who would be removed from their office before God would allow them to make a serious mistake, but that some powerful men are passionate. That passion can be misunderstood by people, especially women. It is good that brother Porter’s bishop, bishopric, and stake presidency are also all men, since men understand the true intent and meaning, the true hearts of other men. Here again women in disciplinary councils would only misunderstand, might overly believe the women, and would gum up the whole divine process. Also, we know that a very large percent of accusations are things women are mistaken about in their reports. This is especially true now when so many women are talking about a few bad men doing a few things, usually a long time ago. This has just about every woman wanting to be part of what is going on, so they have extra encouragement to exaggerate stuff from the past. That is probably the case with Porter and those women. This is all just that MeToo stuff taken too far!<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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The thing to keep in mind with the Porter thing is that all of it really gets at the heart of how an attack on Trump and his virtuous leadership is an attack on the church and on what we hold sacred. Porter is just the first person who could be forced to stop doing what God put him in the White House to do if we let wild accusations and stories by women about “abuse” in the past get too much attention. Seen properly, all of this stuff is just the Adversary causing conflict and chaos. We can rise above this and persist.</div>
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If we let righteous people like Porter be forced out, a man who obviously cleared everything up with inspired church leaders, then you and I can count on the fact that we will probably be next, and the small thread holding up the constitution may snap completely!</div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-38536306150909645342018-01-15T08:00:00.000-05:002018-01-15T15:42:22.420-05:00NEW WARD MISSION LEADER NOT REALLY INTO MISSIONARY WORK<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<i>Apparently “Preaching the Gospel” </i></div>
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<i>Isn’t for Everyone</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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White Planes, NY—The newly called ward mission leader of the White Planes West ward, Mark Woodbury, has told several unsurprised friends, family members, and acquaintances that he’s “just not that into missionary work.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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Brother Woodbury’s lukewarm interest in spreading the Gospel was obvious to the bishop who called him. Said Bishop Afton, “yah, he told me that he doesn’t ‘do splits’ and that he didn’t even really enjoy missionary work when he was a missionary, but we are all hoping he will grow into the calling.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The lack of enthusiasm on Brother Woodbury’s part was also obvious when the missionaries had a new investigator at church on his second Sunday in the calling. Brother Woodbury successfully avoided the middle-aged woman, and reportedly told his wife that “that lady really doesn’t look like member material to me.” When the missionaries enthusiastically told him that she had a baptismal date set for March, Brother Woodbury’s reply was “well, you know a lot can happen between now and then.”</div>
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Even sharing the Gospel with people he knows has proven difficult for Brother Woodbury. His next-door neighbor, Mr. Howard Morris, once had a conversation with him about religion. When Sister Woodbury asked about the conversation a few hours later, he told her that “there wasn’t much to tell.” Two weeks later, when Sister Woodbury returned from her neighborhood book club meeting where Mrs. Morris was in attendance, Sister Woodbury bluntly asked her husband, “did you tell Howard that we’re Unitarians?!” Mark told his wife that he was “testing the waters to see how he responded to that one before jumping into Mormonism.” </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-7392322344189730692018-01-08T08:00:00.000-05:002018-01-08T08:00:06.539-05:00WILLY AND MARTIN HANDCART COMPANIES ACTUALLY DELAYED BY LATE PERMISSION SLIPS<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-bxrN7Fs5MTuYa2GNVDZB0aJQwGv1QFynID1dTfc3UqYfcZbk5oj3epV-F_8_SjfOSd-ERKKXPfHXcyrJBRq5CBIOzBvz8yj7atlmLcpDtQIw8C9bIIlMehA_zdgExFyaNYROXLvp7RY/s1600/price-martinhandcartcompl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="809" data-original-width="1080" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-bxrN7Fs5MTuYa2GNVDZB0aJQwGv1QFynID1dTfc3UqYfcZbk5oj3epV-F_8_SjfOSd-ERKKXPfHXcyrJBRq5CBIOzBvz8yj7atlmLcpDtQIw8C9bIIlMehA_zdgExFyaNYROXLvp7RY/s320/price-martinhandcartcompl.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Scholars have suggested that a "blanket" permission slip<br />could have prevented tragedies like this</i></td></tr>
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Salt Lake City, UT—Scholars at BYU and the University of Utah confirmed over the weekend that the Willy and Martin Handcart Companies could not leave earlier because they were waiting for several essential youth permission slips.<br />
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“We have identified about eight youth,” said Keith Ützlander, “who could not ride in some of the leaders’ handcarts because they didn’t have proper permission slips.” Historian Taylor Walters agreed with Ützlander, stating that “some of the youth had fathers who could not sign because they were in England serving missions, and at least two youth said that they lost the form sometime after church and before they could give it to their mom.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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Since the early days of the church, proper permission forms have been essential. This emphasis seems to go back to the Joseph Smith translation of the Beatitudes, where he restores the lost verse “Blessed are the permission slip bringers, for they shall keep us free from lawsuits.”</div>
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Scholars also noted that another part of the delay was connected with having enough adult handcart drivers, since, as D&C 158:9 says “Verily, thus saith the Lord, youth shall not ride in handcarts where other youth are the drivers, otherwise, verily, hijinks may ensue.” </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-87395000643516051032018-01-03T08:38:00.000-05:002018-01-03T08:38:07.873-05:00FRANCES AND TOMMY BACK TOGETHER<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3uE6HDp_AE2cBZYozNM5Q9ZTwZaUqopYU-jsFO_-EteN0TyPiIx9yq_cQKbIfabs9-0oGk9ULfAN4CSa-V-5AyEgqSfldddugYQzedLvrsKI7t3CvCeqTxeLnMq6X8pxprypKmzp1-5I/s1600/Frances_and_Tommy+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="438" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3uE6HDp_AE2cBZYozNM5Q9ZTwZaUqopYU-jsFO_-EteN0TyPiIx9yq_cQKbIfabs9-0oGk9ULfAN4CSa-V-5AyEgqSfldddugYQzedLvrsKI7t3CvCeqTxeLnMq6X8pxprypKmzp1-5I/s1600/Frances_and_Tommy+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-26437061622916091562017-11-20T08:00:00.000-05:002017-11-20T08:22:39.498-05:00“EX-MOS AND PROGRESSIVE MOS UNITED” NOT ALL THAT UNITED<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Do the Oppressed Inevitably<br />Imitate their Oppressors?</i></td></tr>
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Logan, UT—The former and progressive Mormons that formed “Ex-Mos and Progressive Mos United” is actually rather less united than the group’s name suggests.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Group “leader” Marty Norton is still “very excited to get together with other people who have grown out or beyond their typical LDS upbringing,” but he notes that group cohesion “is not what many of us would like.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“The first few meetings started out great,” commented Norton, “with plenty of enthusiasm, but even then we could see that this would not be easy.” When asked about initial obstacles, Norton noted that “one young man brought two 9 x 13 Pyrex pans of ‘funeral potatoes’ to be welcoming, but most of the group seemed to scoff at them rather disdainfully.” In addition, Norton explained that “several in the group brought wine as a friendly gesture,” but some complained that they either objected to alcohol for social and health reasons or they saw it as “a few going overboard to scream how not-Mormon they were.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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This was really just the first of many conflicts that have prevented “Ex-Mos and Progressive Mos United” from being really united. Other conflicts have arisen over group activities. One person mentioned how lonely she feels, since she does not participate with friends and family in LDS activities, meetings, and callings. Some in the group suggested getting together every Monday night to socialize, but others rejected the idea of what they called a “lousy, fake FHE” that was “so typical of Mormons who cannot get past imposing needless meetings on others.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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When Diana Wilson, a group member living in Cache Valley, noted how much her views have been expanded with her study of Buddhism, Islam, and contemporary ethics, her suggestions of some discussions about those traditions were loudly rejected by members who “didn’t want some new dogma to replace the oppressive one they were trying to escape.” When Wilson said that these ideas didn’t seem like a new dogma, others chimed in that they had no interest in “a mishmash of New Age beliefs formed buffet-style to prop up a privileged, white, narcissistic bourgeois ego.” </div>
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Even Marty Norton, the force behind the group’s organization, has come under some criticism. When he arrived at a meeting with ideas for bylaws, activities, and assignments, several members balked at his suggestions. As one member said, “yah, in my mind I call Marty ‘Napoleon,’ since, like <i>Animal Farm</i>, right after we finally throw off the farmer, people like Marty come along with rules, hierarchy, and duties, and end up doing everything the old oppressive Mormons used to do!” </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-9971896543652771502017-11-06T08:00:00.000-05:002017-11-06T09:17:10.384-05:00EPISTLE FROM A PISSED OFF EX-MO (EXMORMON): HOW TO GET ANGRY AT GENERAL CONFERENCE IN FIVE EASY STEPS<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer values all voices from Zion, even exiled voices of those joyously living in sinful wastelands of despair (we’re looking at you Salt Lake and Tooele!). This week we have another epistle from our resident pissed off ex-mo (Exmormon) Howard Pinehurst. <o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Anger, Oh The Places It Will Take You!</i></td></tr>
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Sick of simply “enjoying” General Conference with all the gaslit lemmings who are too afraid of cognitive dissonance to really see the truth? Well here is your easy guide to getting upset in either April or October every year for the rest of your life! <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Step One: Question Authority</b>. The first step is to say that Joseph Smith questioned authority, and because of his questions we got the Restoration. As you question authority, emphasize how humans are inherently flawed and that it is their natural tendency to abuse power (see D&C 121:39). While they might be inspired, focus on how leaders are not only human but are bound by cultural limitations.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Step Two: Question Loyalty.</b> General Conference is a loyalty ritual. Loyal members come together, listen together, learn together, and worship together at General Conference. That feeling of togetherness can be inspiring. You can almost feel physically lifted by the music, the prayers, or the talks. Or by being around other saints. But you can exploit that loyalty’s downside. Loyalty usually makes you feel unity to your tribe, but it can also reinforce an “us-versus-them” mentality. If one feels powerfully connected to a group, focus on how that necessarily makes others outsiders. In other words, see General Conference as a twice-a-year-Stanford-Prison-Experiment! You can almost hear the footsteps of terror, of xenophobia, of homophobia, of transphobia, of arachnophobia, and of phobiaphobia (fear of fear) right now!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Step Three: Question Purity.</b> What you will hear at Conference is authorities appealing to group loyalty to encourage purity. Yes, sexual purity is a very big deal, very big, but it is not the only purity. There is purity in all obedience, since all disobedience stains the sinner. You want to emphasize how purity is always tied up with shame, and shame is using fear and coercion to keep everyone in line. Seen in this way, the whole meeting centers around shame used by the group to encourage conformity, loyalty, and respect for authority. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Step Four: See Harm Everywhere.</b> Now that you see powerful authorities using loyalty and shame to enforce purity, notice not only the leaders—powerful white men—but also notice who suffers harm from what is happening. Everyone who does not fit the mold will probably feel like an impure outsider. Even if others don’t feel pain, you can feel their pain for them. Even if they are too duped to realize what is happening, you can be awake to the institutional victimization that is at work.</div>
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<b>Step Five: Feel Anger.</b> And now, everything about the meeting will make you angry. You can see harm everywhere. Those who are not here are not here because being here would cause them harm. Those who are here who don’t fit it or are not pure are harmed. Those who should be harmed are only not harmed because they have given in to the ritual of loyalty, the joy of some set of rules for purity, and the easy comfort of conforming to authority. Those who should see what is going on and who should speak truth-to-power are duped and gaslighted into falling in line. And at the top are the leaders themselves who enjoy the power and prestige. Now that you have that righteous anger, doesn’t it taste great! Anger truly is a gift that keeps on giving! But heck, why wait until April or October—you can probably be seethingly angry during any church gathering! </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-9677768626537031042017-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-30T08:00:09.201-04:00“ADMONISHING” UNCLE GLAD HE NEVER COMMITTED ANY SINS “NEXT TO MURDER”<div class="MsoNormal">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shame Going Back to the First People<br />
(Bernward Doors)</td></tr>
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Roy, UT—At a recent dinner, area man Daniel Glenn, after powerfully “offering the voice of warning” to a niece and two nephews, quietly congratulated himself on never committing any sexual sins, sins he believes are “next to murder.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Glenn was invited to dinner at his sister’s house last Friday. It was there that Glenn found himself with his niece Candice (14) and nephews Eric (17) and Drew (15). Previously his sister had confidentially expressed her suspicions to Glenn that the children may have been viewing pornography and that her son Eric may have “gone a little too far” with his girlfriend Rachel. With his sister out of the room, Brother Glenn saw this as a good moment to “bear down in pure testimony” against his niece and nephews.<br />
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In no uncertain terms, Brother Glenn warned the three that sexual sins, even seemingly “harmless” ones, were “right there with murder” in their seriousness with God. He reminded them that God could “not look on sin with the least degree of allowance” and that “no unclean thing can be in God’s presence.” He made it clear that they “may as well kill someone as view pornography or fool around sexually!”<br />
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Brother Glenn’s idea that sexual sin is next to murder is based on Alma 39. Glenn seems completely unaware that what Alma might very well mean by a “sin next to murder” is actually the sin of leading the hearts of others to destruction. Alma, in chapter 36, sorrowfully reflects upon how he did that very thing when he sought to destroy the church. <a href="https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/pdf/143-34-43.pdf" target="_blank">Read carefully</a>, Alma’s strongest warning to his son is not against sexual sin in chapter 39; his warning is against doing things that lead to the destruction of others.<br />
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For her part, after hearing her uncle, Candice felt deep shame for her minor sexual sins, sins that resulted from a healthy, natural curiosity. Lacking a clear, loving context to understand and explore her healthy, natural curiosity, she “fell into sin.” Eric and Drew were also deeply impacted by their uncle’s words. Drew, who had always planned on a mission, after the discussion felt such deep shame and guilt that he quietly resolved that he could never be worthy to be God’s instrument. Eric, who had struggled with loving and sexual feelings for his girlfriend, decided that they must break up. His plan to break up was because he no longer believed he could match God’s exacting demands, and that he would be better off outside of the church and with a non-Mormon girlfriend, someone he “would not pollute” with sexual desires.<br />
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Later that evening, after “reproving” his niece and nephews “with sharpness,” Brother Glenn internally applauded his efforts to admonish and to be a good example by avoided all sexual sins. He fell asleep satisfied that he had done God’s work.<br />
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At the very moment when he was peacefully falling asleep, his niece and nephews were feeling so unworthy that, for the first time in their lives, they did not feel that God could ever listen to their bedtime prayers. </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-70106038261729793252017-10-23T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-23T09:30:17.536-04:00SATAN REDUCES HONESTY LESSON TO DEBATE ABOUT SPEED LIMITS<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhulASRI6M3VVwhNjA0oALt7Fj7rB0LtlEceWZbbo5TRh-0vCQ23_JcxYzlgUJB7eadWA-h1q_vpxUN5Ny1aW4wbj4dd3WRm6m8rtjWBcC_adesDkVS729YUhUsvEtNIbyQL6KhogKausQ/s1600/Strictly_Enforced.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhulASRI6M3VVwhNjA0oALt7Fj7rB0LtlEceWZbbo5TRh-0vCQ23_JcxYzlgUJB7eadWA-h1q_vpxUN5Ny1aW4wbj4dd3WRm6m8rtjWBcC_adesDkVS729YUhUsvEtNIbyQL6KhogKausQ/s320/Strictly_Enforced.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spiritually Trivial Matters,<br />
Strictly Enforced</td></tr>
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Casper, WY—Over the weekend Satan managed to, yet again, reduce a complex and interesting Elders quorum discussion about honesty to a superficial yet somehow still heated debate about speed limits.</div>
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This week’s instance occurred in the Casper North 3<sup>rd</sup> Ward’s Elders quorum, where instructor Garret Ingles attempted to challenge quorum honesty by asking how many members never exceeded the legal driving speed limit. While the question seemed provocative, probing if quorum members were obedient in keeping “the little things” as well as the big, Brother Ingles did not realize that it was the Evil One who had encouraged this line of inquiry.</div>
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Ingles’ question was immediately followed by the sense of claustrophobia that often accompanies Pharisaical attempts at keep the commandments. This claustrophobic feeling of being confined to the overly narrow space of needless rules caused immediate feelings of confusion and shame. Much to Satan’s approval, some quorum members immediately yet quietly gave up on keeping the commandments. Others responded defensively, saying that no one can stay within the speed limit all of the time.</div>
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Ingles, in a move that he hoped would help others feel free to confess shortcomings, admitted that he very often breaks speed limit laws and thereby tacitly acts dishonestly. This confession merely prompted class members to question honesty’s importance, and, by extension, the importance of Elders quorum meetings like this one. The bulk of the remaining class time was discussions of minor (and some major) lawlessness, mingled with scriptures.</div>
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For their part, the demonic spirits assigned to Wyoming (the only state whose declining population means a reduction in the need for evil spirits), heartily approved of the entire discussion. Said one demon, “yah, so long as we keep Mike Turner from pondering his steadily increasing theft at work, Dave Gibson from considering his duplicity in keeping important information from his wife, and Kyle Levin from recognizing his creeping hypocrisy, then they can talk all they want about if it is okay to run red lights at 3 a.m.!” </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-80767431786871285672017-10-16T10:44:00.001-04:002017-10-16T10:44:12.870-04:00AARON RODGERS, SECRET MORMON, REDEDICATES HIMSELF TO ATTENDING CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtp4_WkiQZm9kPlA8oI5inmD6DU6RZAN6Le5ulOF5vV6VF9P3VQfreR1qnAZcUP3XQJM77FuK1ZwYxyBdmOcdbHMWG0s_8Ccgot0ykwGG6SgmpLZq8f_T5af4v2e0Gk3Olp-O3grRZCm0/s1600/1200px-Conversion_on_the_Way_to_Damascus-Caravaggio_%2528c.1600-1%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1577" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtp4_WkiQZm9kPlA8oI5inmD6DU6RZAN6Le5ulOF5vV6VF9P3VQfreR1qnAZcUP3XQJM77FuK1ZwYxyBdmOcdbHMWG0s_8Ccgot0ykwGG6SgmpLZq8f_T5af4v2e0Gk3Olp-O3grRZCm0/s320/1200px-Conversion_on_the_Way_to_Damascus-Caravaggio_%2528c.1600-1%2529.jpg" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Rodger's Vision Like Paul's,<br />except with Anthony Barr<br />instead of the horse or whatnot,<br />and Rodgers couldn't lift arm</i></td></tr>
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Green Bay, WI—In news that is both surprising and faith-inspiring, word came out this morning that insurance advertiser and athlete Aaron Rodgers has been a member of the Mormon church for the last two years. While that news came as quite a shock for many people, it was quickly followed up by the news that Brother Rodgers has decided to make Sunday church attendance his “highest priority” for “at least the foreseeable future.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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In talking about his decision, Brother Rodgers explained that “I was at work, and there I had an experience somewhat like that of the apostle Paul.” He elaborated that “like Paul, I felt suddenly thrown to the ground, and there the inspiration came to me, strongly, that God didn’t want me working on Sunday—He wanted me in church!”</div>
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Many of the people on Brother Rodgers’ team expressed concern about their success without his help. Brother Rodgers said that he too was concerned, especially about some weekend projects this fall and winter that he’d miss out on, but, in his words, “the Lord made it clear that, whether my calling is in Young Mens or Primary, church is where God needs me to put my shoulder to the wheel!” </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-17902559329884945312017-10-09T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-09T13:33:40.898-04:00CHURCH ANNOUCES “ALWAYS FAITHFUL” RINGS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE<div class="MsoNormal">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig_vy59C6l_fZ0po2qxo1Y-URXeZxUIMxdpmtQy4r8G4-1EaFF831Wo9LXnpFZ7FFZUAYI3Pyw1XU4aT8_l_3x4wmGChr_rwagYTJegtCQWO8Z4QCCv1grE3kTUNOGFj4QTieOsGv7Qyg/s1600/AFring+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1199" data-original-width="1104" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig_vy59C6l_fZ0po2qxo1Y-URXeZxUIMxdpmtQy4r8G4-1EaFF831Wo9LXnpFZ7FFZUAYI3Pyw1XU4aT8_l_3x4wmGChr_rwagYTJegtCQWO8Z4QCCv1grE3kTUNOGFj4QTieOsGv7Qyg/s320/AFring+copy.jpg" width="294" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Prototype of New Always Faithful Ring</i></td></tr>
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Salt Lake City, UT—An almost breathless-with-excitement Church spokesperson Ken Kramer announced this morning the new “Always Faithful” rings for Young Men and Young Women.<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Where the Choose the Right rings remind children about keeping the commandments,” explained Kramer, “these new ‘Always Faithful’ rings will be a way to show the enthusiasm young people have for the gospel.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Kramer elaborated that “Always Faithful” will be “like those hashtag things that are such a hit with the young people nowadays.” As an example, Kramer said, “we envision young people talking about General Conference and saying—‘I loved for General Conference—I’m excited!’ and then flashing their ‘Always Faithful’ rings!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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When asked for other examples, Kramer said, “Nephi was obedient—AF,” “Sharing the Gospel is fun—AF” and “I can be sexually pure—AF.”</div>
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The new “Always Faithful” rings seem to be the brainchild of senior church officials. Kramer said that when the idea was initially presented to young people, “they seemed a little confused at first, but then they caught the vision of this new program and even seemed to laugh for joy at this new testimony tool!”<br />
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When she was asked about how popular the “Always Faithful” rings might be, one young woman said, “well, all I can say is that when it comes to these rings, I’m happy—AF!”</div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-68766799681675510842017-10-01T15:31:00.000-04:002017-10-01T16:11:06.380-04:00SINGING MAJESTICALLY, HEAVEN HALES ROBERT HOME<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-QUXMdTDg3HCJWFu126AMP-5FZIYvwXatSQxE4z7hLDQZ0_N4IXp05m6Ojm-Y13L1_uBmEKnvd5ZnotbmQqREjxFQ3-3_BGje2CkyrMYYHBTq_RcICE4zQLEuaQMFvsufaGytYM4nI-s/s1600/RobertDHales+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1280" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-QUXMdTDg3HCJWFu126AMP-5FZIYvwXatSQxE4z7hLDQZ0_N4IXp05m6Ojm-Y13L1_uBmEKnvd5ZnotbmQqREjxFQ3-3_BGje2CkyrMYYHBTq_RcICE4zQLEuaQMFvsufaGytYM4nI-s/s640/RobertDHales+copy.jpg" width="512" /></a></div>
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<br />Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-3025946456176982962017-09-25T08:00:00.000-04:002017-09-25T09:18:44.173-04:00MISSIONARY-MINDED AREA MAN CAN’T HELP SHARING GOSPEL WITH MISTRESS<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv0yxghE6kgGcFpS7SSZK0u6CSWcT2swVBFFxuC3ZNAnNtYH02XqK3ZavlgdO16r6FxYZcm-yl1OmcUp9I8SV2EewAUVV6igzs1nGu1C0-UPd7TJuxl08aUrzhccIQnTV1j4EnMZi6mrQ/s1600/Courtyard+by+marriott.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv0yxghE6kgGcFpS7SSZK0u6CSWcT2swVBFFxuC3ZNAnNtYH02XqK3ZavlgdO16r6FxYZcm-yl1OmcUp9I8SV2EewAUVV6igzs1nGu1C0-UPd7TJuxl08aUrzhccIQnTV1j4EnMZi6mrQ/s320/Courtyard+by+marriott.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Excellent accommodations for affairs/missionary work</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Cedar Rapids, IA—When area man Benjamin Beck, age 38, started a relationship with Chicago waitress Heather Landau, age 28, he was not planning on it also being a chance for him to share the gospel. Beck, who is married, a father of three children, and an insurance claims agent, was not planning on telling Landau anything about his life back in Iowa, but his fiery missionary spirit could not be held back.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Beck only started talking about Mormonism after a chance comment during his third illicit encounter with Landau. Landau was getting dressed in Beck’s Courtyard by Marriott hotel room when she noticed the room’s copy of the Book of Mormon and said, “Oh, those Mormons don’t even believe in Jesus.” Beck, who had loved missionary work from when he was a child, felt like he could not let Landau’s misconception remain, so he timidly replied, “well, I heard that their official church name has Jesus in it, so they probably do believe in Him.” Landau merely shrugged at this suggestion, and then promptly winked at the law-of-chastity-breaking Elders Quorum secretary, flashed him a bit of buttock, and told him she’d see him next week.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Beck’s next gospel discussion with Landau came only a couple of weeks later. Landau and Beck were again at the hotel where Beck spends most of the week, returning on weekends to resume his (fraudulent) life as a “fairly reliable” home teacher and seemingly good example for his 12 and 11-year-old sons and 9-year-old daughter. After some unusually vigorous intercourse with Landau, Beck asked if something might be up. Landau confided in the man she “was just having some fun with” that not only was her mother’s health rapidly declining but she had lost a beloved cousin to leukemia just a few months before. The suddenly visibly distraught Landau concluded, “it all just seems so futile to love people and then to bury them, knowing you will never see them again.” For a second time Beck felt strongly that he could not let this go, so he tried to casually toss out, “well, you know those Mormons you mentioned a few weeks ago—I think that they actually believe family bonds and love can last forever. I think there are even some Youtube videos about it.” Not wanting to pursue this conversation for too long, Beck then distracted Landau by initiating sex for the fourth time in 24 hours. <o:p></o:p></div>
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At the same time that Beck was tearing through all of the promises he had made with God and the church, his mistress was finding more and more intriguing ideas from that same organization and God. Several hours spent watching Youtube videos led to many more questions for Landau. She did not know exactly who to ask until one evening when she and Beck were in the bath together, and she said that she sure wished she could talk to some “of those Mormons” about their beliefs. She distractedly mentioned her Youtube search and how many questions she had, not thinking the topic would interest Beck. Beck, though longing to answer all of her questions yet afraid to reveal how the life he was living with her was a betrayal of all he held true, suggested circuitously that “don’t those Mormons have people that walk around telling people about their church…I think they are called missionaries? They probably have a website you could use to meet them…or something…” Landau feigned disinterest, saying that she “might look into it.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Within two months of this clandestine meeting, Landau started missing her weekly trysts with Beck, saying she “was not feeling well” or she “had to pick up an extra shift at work.” Beck, who had come to rely more heavily on the fleeting sexual pleasure he enjoyed with Landau to cover his soul’s rotting emptiness, became more and more anxious, restless, and then upset at Landau’s absence. When Beck finally confronted Landau at the restaurant where she worked and where they had met, an exasperated Landau confessed to Beck that she had been busy meeting with some “really awesome Mormon sister missionaries,” that she didn’t feel good about sneaking around with Beck, and that what she was learning was “somehow changing” her. Beck was so struck by the clash of contradictory emotions—intense sexual frustration, anger, betrayal, despair, and disappointment but at the same time immense joy for Landau—that he could not speak. Misinterpreting his sudden silence, Landau concluded, “who knows—maybe the Mormons could even help your family and maybe even you, because, honestly, you’ve kinda made a mess of your life!”</div>
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Unbeknownst to either at the time, this would be the last time Landau and Beck would ever see each other, though many years later Landau and Beck’s then ex-wife would, by chance, be in the same Illinois stake conference. Beck, for his part, would lose his family and church membership but would retain the copy of the Book of Mormon he picked up in the Chicago Courtyard by Marriott hotel, a book he keeps with him in the place where he now lives—a van by the river. </div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-43513257399047214572017-09-18T08:00:00.000-04:002017-10-23T11:00:08.767-04:00THIS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYhZl6ijMNuJccHE1p9rYH4gjQZS_5uISoqLLTinA2ihf-ZBr3gymG_jIIg6DWkXXm8BxbYTAZ-EZ5FbiEk1LfCYA8G9sVhcYzhyjcFjXZrEytTRBv-MtBmn7YCrystahEeJhLC9B-vVU/s1600/Rings+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="503" data-original-width="1600" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYhZl6ijMNuJccHE1p9rYH4gjQZS_5uISoqLLTinA2ihf-ZBr3gymG_jIIg6DWkXXm8BxbYTAZ-EZ5FbiEk1LfCYA8G9sVhcYzhyjcFjXZrEytTRBv-MtBmn7YCrystahEeJhLC9B-vVU/s640/Rings+copy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6322218210272458242.post-3758596091915237722017-09-11T08:00:00.002-04:002021-06-26T21:41:42.416-04:00HEAVENLY MOTHER UPSET ABOUT BEING USED AS ARGUMENT AGAINST ACCEPTING HOMOSEXUALS<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLf6J8aMHtj8SttQFLGZm5D2A8nLuk8SQaFhmmeczXH49ggGfZK9oXSaWhaqZMvfCFHz4OZ2a8mIY1zsZbyl3taLOadK6rp_y37hjbjHI5sAGw6-QsxNOQ6lkmCIOlCOPmYJjTHoPUBv4/s1600/DSC_0010.JPG" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLf6J8aMHtj8SttQFLGZm5D2A8nLuk8SQaFhmmeczXH49ggGfZK9oXSaWhaqZMvfCFHz4OZ2a8mIY1zsZbyl3taLOadK6rp_y37hjbjHI5sAGw6-QsxNOQ6lkmCIOlCOPmYJjTHoPUBv4/s320/DSC_0010.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Actual Photograph of Scone Heavenly Mother Baking<br />For When Church Leaves Current Time-out</i></td></tr>
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Heaven—“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” said a
calm but stern Heavenly Mother in a recent conference call with the Mormon Church’s First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. “I see where all of this is
going,” She continued, “and I want you to know I don’t like it!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Mother of All Creation expressed what She called Her “hot
displeasure” with how She was being mentioned, in Her words, “to justify not
accepting people with different sexualities.” She clarified that she objected to Mormon
discussions of Heavenly Parents as a way to reinforce “the traditional family.”
Heavenly Mother stated that, “sure, We love that you get married and have
families,” but She explained that what too many were really doing was using “the
family” to justify their unwillingness to <a href="http://youngstranger.blogspot.com/2015/04/on-being-gay-mormon-missionary.html" target="_blank">believe </a>and to accept homosexuals.</div>
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“I hear more talk about Heavenly Parents,” She elaborated, “to squash
those who point out that, traditionally, all of creation was created by men.”
She continued, “so now you mention Heavenly Mother, but it isn’t because you
want women treated as equals; you just don’t like the idea of guys
creating stuff without a woman!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Heavenly Mother then took time to explain that family is a
metaphor about how humans relate to the divine, and that it is not the only
metaphor. She pointed out another metaphor is in Paul’s inspired words where humans are part of the <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/1-cor/12?lang=eng" target="_blank">body of Christ</a>, or God’s body. In this metaphor every person or every part and every organ, “even the single ones, the transgender ones, the
homosexual ones, the asexual ones—each of them” is to be valued, loved,
supported, and cherished “for who they are.”</div>
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The smiling Mother in Heaven concluded that “the sooner you
people can love one another as you are loved, the sooner you and the
church can leave time-out,” adding, with a smile, “I’ve got some nice scones ready for you for when you do!”</div>
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Shawn Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07461108967307825118noreply@blogger.com0