CHURCH USES “U2 STRATEGY”—LOADS TRANSLATION OF SEALED PORTION OF BOOK OF MORMON ONTO EVERY APPLE DEVICE

By Clyde Ward

U2 may be influencing General Authority Eyewear as Well

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church has used what marketing experts now call the “U2 Strategy,” loading a brand new translation of the previously unreleased sealed portion of the Book of Mormon onto every Apple electronic device in the world.

“We had this newly revealed translation,” said Church spokesperson Daniela Burns, “and, as a gift to everyone, we wanted to make it immediately available everywhere.” Burns continued that the result has been that “unfortunately people are focused on how it got there instead of actually reading the book.”

Indeed, even within Church headquarters there was reportedly substantial debate about what to do with the translation. Unnamed sources told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that some wanted to release it during the April 2015 General Conference. Others suggested that it be given first to Mormons with too much time on their hands and/or who complain about the Church a lot by posting it on the Bloggernacle. Ultimately the decision was made to employ “the U2 Stretegy.”

The strategy has not been free of controversy. Unnamed Church insiders note that, like the U2 album, many have been perplexed as to how it got there and how to get rid of it. “Let’s face it,” said one internal email, “finding that U2 album on your device and then trying to get rid of it is like a herpes outbreak! And that is not a good association for the Church!”

Other Church leaders voiced similar complaints. Said another internal message in part, “U2’s Songs of Innocence is a desperate ploy by a group that peaked at Joshua Tree or Unforgettable Fire, and while we can live with Auchtung Baby, every [redacted] song after that should be on one album called Unforgivable Fiasco.” Such internal communication not only reveals the level of disagreement about the policy but a preponderance of painfully strained wordplay in the Church’s upper echelons.

To combat the Mormon Church’s recent proselyting moves, Pope Francis announced that the Catholic Church will be loading the recently discovered Revelations of Saint Peter on all Android devices. Early reports indicate that this collection of revelations includes an account of “who shot JFK, what happened to Malaysian flight 115, and how The Walking Dead will end.”

Southern Baptists are scrambling to reply to the technological-theological contest, but so far all they have are John Spilsbury’s previously unknown 1638 prophesy about “a toothless panther, a flightless eagle, an unholy saint, and a unarmed pirate” competing for a prize they don’t deserve, clearly foreseeing the National Football League’s 2014 NFC South.