so much depends upon a red hanger |
SCARSDALE, NY—In a move that therapists, bishops, and divorced peoples who have “been there” recognize as the first sign of unavoidable
marital collapse, Brandon and Ashley Yancey have begun stealing and hording that
most precious of home resources: hangers. Brandon, who seems to still be
blissfully happy with his wife of only ten months, recently confided
in his “buddy Troy” that “I hardly get my shirt off of the hanger and next thing I know it ends up in Ashley’s two-thirds of the closet!” Brandon elaborated that “I swear I had a red
hanger that my tan pants were on, and now I think she’s using it to hang up
some old EFY shirt.”
Years of research supported by the experiences of
professionals and ecclesiastical leaders demonstrates irrevocably that though
Brandon and Ashley may stay married for several years and even have children,
the conflict over hangers is the first step in an inevitable process that
starts with suspicion, silent recrimination, and disappointment and finally
leads to anger, resentment, fear, and the absurd insistance that “you said when
we were dating that you liked wire hangers!” As research by Delong, Esler, Geyer, and Rudd in an article in the most
recent issue of the Journal of Marital Dissolution
about “LDS Divorce Patterns” clarifies,
“what starts as hanger hoarding and fights over whose mini temple suitcase gets
the best closet location soon escalates to conflicts over wainscoting and car colors that sets the unalterable course to the final cancellation of temple
blessings.”
Marriage and Family therapist Maya Sparber says that she “has tried to work with many couples like Brandon and Ashley” only to find that
such work is invariably fruitless. “What I find so heartbreaking about this,”
explained Sparber “is that it does not even occurred to Brandon or Ashley,
since each is internally and silently convinced that the other is now clearly
evil, that they actually have the time, resources, and skills to just go buy
more **** hangers!”
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