Salt Lake City, UT—Devastated by the recent cyber-attacks, the
release of sensitive church documents, and threat of terrorist violence, the
Church has decided to cancel the highly anticipated release of Johnny Lingo II: Johnny and Mahana’s Son
Baptizes, Marries Kim Jong-un’s Favorite Daughter.
“It has been a difficult two weeks at Church headquarters,”
said one unnamed source. That source
explained that “we thought it was bad enough when hackers released President
Monson’s confidential email complaints that ‘some of those 85 widows could be
pretty cranky’ and that he ‘would be shocked if a few could claw their way into
the terrestrial kingdom.’”
Hackers have also taken advantage of their unfettered access
to church computers to release confidential church plans. Those previously
confidential plans include the move to a 2 hour Sunday meeting block, plans to
team up with Victoria’s Secret to redesign women’s garments, and plans to
eliminate “the church’s main source of priestcraft—the Church Education System.”
Also released was President Oaks’ April 2024 General Conference talk explaining
why the Lord lifted the Priesthood ban on all worthy members.
Sources indicate that it was various threats that forced the
church to pull Johnny Lingo II. “The
movie is meant to be both funny and a way to reach out to North Korea” said
another unnamed source, “but apparently Brother Un saw it as what we would call
‘loud laughter.’” The North Koreans threatened to “poison your funeral potatoes,”
to “assign the weirdest ward members to be your home teachers,” and to “convince
Mitt to run again” if the movie was distributed as planned.
The main complaints seem to be that the movie depicts a
chipper, moderately attractive Polynesian Mormon trying, in the words of the
North Koreans, “first to waterboard the Supreme Leader’s daughter” and then to “make
her his Eternal Companion in a ceremony that the Protector of the People could
not attend.”
Editorial Note: The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, always a
deeply affectionate lover of the peace and joy and freedom and limitless food
for everyone that the Supreme Highest Super-Dee-Dooper Leader has brought to his
happy land while all of other suffers from the greedy capitalist pigs would
just like to say please do not hack us. Remember, we said it first—Un is SOME
Great Guy!”
No comments:
Post a Comment