Gresham, OR—In a repeat of what has happened for years in
the Gresham ward, this week the wisest women in the Relief Society were seated
on the back row. And, also like most weeks, those women said nothing.
Seated on the back row next to her longtime friends was Sister
Kathy Turner. This week’s lesson dealt with “Moving Forward with Faith.” When
the teacher asked how the sisters could use their faith to deal with a
difficult situation, several younger sisters talked about improving Family Home
Evening lessons, and the discussion turned to fun ideas that they had found on
Pintrest. Sister Turner thought about explaining how her faith had helped her
when, as a twenty-year-old new mother, she had to do kidney dialysis for her dying
father, how later in life her faith gave her strength to become a foster mother
for a very ill newborn, and how through her life her faith gave her hope and
love when she compassionately helped many friends and family members pass from
this life to the next. Since Sister Turner was not as conversant with Pintrest
as some of the other sisters, again this week she never really found a place or
way to share her experiences.
Sister Turner’s difficulty in finding a way to contribute
was not uncommon. Also seated on the back row was Sister Janice Kato. During
the same lesson, Sister Kato wanted to share how her faith had helped her when
she was a BYU student in the 50’s and wanted to marry her Japanese boyfriend,
but had to leave Utah in order to legally marry. She wanted to share how her
faith had lifted her when other Mormons were unaccepting of her interracial
marriage and how her faith had helped her years later as a mother of a child
struggling with drug addiction. As a substantial part of the class conversation
dealt with one sister’s tearful struggle to get her pre-schooler onto a private
school waiting list, Sister Kato found it difficult to contribute to the class
discussion.
Alongside Sisters Turner and Kato was their friend Sister
Maria Del Toro. Sister Del Toro enjoyed the lesson, as she always does, but
also found it difficult to add to the lesson. When she thought about how her
faith had helped her move forward, she thought about her alcoholic father, her
nightmarish childhood, her struggles to leave the violence of Guatemala, and
the light that the Gospel of Jesus Christ brought to her life as the mother of
3 difficult boys and an abusive spouse as an illegal immigrant in Texas. She reflected
on the many times her faith had given her just enough hope to go on. She would
have loved to have said how her faith helped her move forward, but the
conversation turned to how glad many sisters felt about posting Facebook
comments about conference and Meet the
Mormons, and since Sister Del Toro had somehow not gotten around to even
seeing Meet the Mormons she simply
said nothing.
After the meeting was over, as is their custom, Sisters
Turner, Kato, and Del Toro thanked the teacher for the lesson. Sister Del Toro
also tried to console the sister who was still struggling to get her child on
the pre-school waiting list.
I'm the sister who borderline says stuff like that, and then feels like she is psychotic afterwards when someone comments to her, "A lot of people might not understand because they haven't had the depth of sorrow that you've had." So yesterday in Relief Society, one of the things written on the board under the word "Stop" was anger. What I wanted to say was: I am so mother-effing angry at my uncle for raping me when I was a little girl and how it has shaped my whole effing life and relationship with God. God understands that I'm angry, and He doesn't mind. I've shoved it down my whole life, I'm finally feeling it now. One day it will be gone. For now I add "mother effer" to everything in my head, and I'm not going to feel shamed about it because I'm still praying and reading my scriptures and asking for help, but I'm done with shame. And I'm done with ideals and the shame that comes when I don't measure up to them. While I know it isn't an ideal situation my head and my spirit are in, I know God loves me and leads me along. He is holding my hand while I throw my four year old tantrums as a thirty something year old woman, and reassured me in therapy through the spirit that no matter how many "F-words" I say, He will always love me.
ReplyDeleteI didn't say that, but I wanted to. Would I have been scarlet-lettered if I had? If we move one day, I just want to let it all out right before we leave, be totally open and honest, and see if I get booed and kicked out or cheered.
S,
ReplyDeleteYou won't get booed here!
I love how well you express how the Lord loves us and loves us in our complexity. Perhaps it is too bad that we do not feel safe to share that complexity at church. Perhaps it is simply one of the limitations of church meetings. Perhaps we have other places or situations where we can express more of our complexity. I have heard, for example, of people in the Addiction Recovery Program who say that they wish church meetings could have the authenticity that they find in ARP, but those same people often quickly add that what happens in ARP is specific to that venue.
S, I hope that you can find support for such a heavy, terrible burden, since we covenant to bear one another's burdens. I'm sorry that church meetings can be so (accidentally) painful!