WEAKLY AFFIRMATION: GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS IN 3 WAYS

SATAN’S “BOOK OF DEATH” FACES MORE PRODUCTION SNAGS

THIRD LEVEL, EIGHT CORNICE OF INFERNAL DEPTH (PRINT SHOP/KMART RETURNS)—Reports out of Hell indicate that Satan’s efforts to maintain a “Book of Death” to rival Heaven’s “Book of Life” have again hit several production snags.

“It looked like we were in good shape several months ago,” reported Dark Lord Hookworm, executive director of Hell’s Print Shop/Kmart Returns. “But when the project presentation was made, we realized that it would not last as long as we wanted,” said Hookworm. When asked about the problem, Hookworm explained that “the entire list of all of the sins humans had committed on Earth was stored in 666 floppy disks.” Hookworm added, “those are disappearing already, so obviously they would not be around at the End of Days!” 

Further production delays have already marred a project whose goal is to “make sure every sinner is duly punished on Judgment day,” according to Hookworm. “Before the most recent problem, other versions of the Book of Death had been stored on Betamax video cassettes, HD DVDs and most recently on several Zune players,” said Hookworm. At one time the project was even stored on 8 track tapes. When asked about those failed versions, Hookworm said that “that is nothing compared to all of the money we spent uploading it to Friendster and putting it on free AOL Trial CDs.”  

Meanwhile, reports out of Heaven indicate that all of the contents of the Book of Life have recently been moved to, of course, Celestial Cloud-based storage. Concluded Hookworm, “we just do not seem to have the foresight of those upstairs guys, dammit!”

DRAMATIC MARITAL TURNAROUND ALLOWS AREA WOMAN TO ALMOST COMPLETELY STOP BLOGGING

ALLENTOWN, PA—The dramatic turnaround in Jen Curry’s 8 year marriage has allowed her to nearly stop blogging entirely. What used to occupy as much as 35 hours each week has dwindled down to a mere 2-3 hours, as Jen and her husband Mike have rekindled a loving flame that had diminished to mere embers.

The Curry’s dramatic marital turnaround began when Jen’s sister told her about her imminent divorce. What seems to have been most disconcerting for Jen was that her sister’s marriage was not ending because of abuse, excessive fighting, money problems, infidelity, or other dramatic shifts. Instead, Jen noted that “my sister and her husband just grew so far apart that they could no longer even really communicate, and soon there was nothing left to their relationship.”

In response to her sister’s divorce, Jen noted that “I realized that writing for three blogs, keeping up with and commenting frequently on several others as well as being on Facebook and other social media was starting to take the place of what I was missing in my marriage.” 

Jen spoke with Mike about this, and both agreed to seek counseling and set a regular date night. “At first it was difficult,” reported Jen. “It was awkward and sometimes painful, and when that happened, you know, I just wanted to escape of into Pinterest.” But Jen and Mike stuck with it, and Jen soon found that her interest in social media waned as her marriage strengthened.

“Now,” commented Jen, “instead of replying to every post about modesty or home schooling or couponing, I try to think of some ways that Mike and I could connect and enjoy time together.” 

For his part, Mike reported that he has not made any changes. “I don’t do the whole blog thing, and I think it has been 7 months since I was on Facebook.” But Mike did admit that this year he is managing only 2 fantasy football teams. In contrast, last year Mike had 11 fantasy football teams, managed 4 different leagues, and could name the top 30 running backs faster than he could identify his wife’s church calling.  

MITT ROMNEY DELIVERS STATE OF OUR UNION ADDRESS TO WIFE

Romney in his modest La Jolla living room

LA JOLLA, CA—Clearly still trying to adjust after the personal devastation of his loss to President Obama, last Tuesday evening two-time GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney addressed his State of Our Union address to his wife Ann. 

Speaking of the address, Romney reported that “I had planned on speaking to the entire country, set to reassure the nation of a bright future put in place by the noble work of the men and women who came before us, but Ann said she was really too tired for the whole 45 minute version, so I had to condense it to 8.” Though disappointed that the address was not carried live by the major networks or even CSPAN, Romney said that the was hopeful it would be rebroadcasted by “FoxNews, Univison, and a Florida cable access channel called Hair Today.”

No transcripts of the speech have yet been released, but there has been some news coverage of the address. In addition to Ann Romney and the Romney’s Irish Setter Seamus III, a journalism intern, Steven Cannon, from an Idaho newspaper was also in attendance. In his article for Malad City’s Tea Party Truther newspaper, Cannon reported that even without the “show of lights and cameras, the crush of reporters,” Romney still conveyed the “innate authority” of a man who “possesses both a presidential bearing and a podium with teleprompters in his living room.” According to Cannon, Romney “spoke with his usual charm, power, and wisdom about strengthening America’s place in the world, restoring the dignity of everyday Americans through work instead of welfare, and his unwavering commitment to double checking the grocery list after forgetting the milk 3 weeks in a row.”

Cannon also noted that other topics addressed included the threats posed by Putin’s expansionist policies, domestic energy self-sufficiency, and expanded resources and investments in strategic matrimonial “cuddle time.” 

AREA PARENTS INADVERTENTLY START BIDDING WAR FOR SON’S FIRST KISS

MESA, AZ—What began as something that Barbara and David Billings thought would be a great idea to encourage their son Corey to avoid physical intimacy during adolescence has become quite a conflict for the LDS couple. “When I saw the article in the Deseret News about the Mormon woman who paid her son $10,000 to save his first kiss until he was 18,” said Barbara, “I thought that this would work great with Corey.” David Billings agreed with his wife, but since Brother Billings works for the Church Education System, both agreed that they could not afford the $10,000 incentive. “After thinking and praying about it, we felt that $28.50 was really a much more reasonable reward and prize.” Little did the Billings know that their incentive would lead to a bidding war with Corey’s girlfriend Lindsey Stallings.

“When I heard that Corey’s parents were going to pay him to not kiss me, I thought, ‘well, two can play at this game!’” responded Stallings. Stallings immediately countered with an offer of $35.00 for the soon-to-be 17 year-olds to kiss. Explained Corey Billings, “Lindsey had this really cute, sort of sly smile when she told me she’d pay me more than my parents offered.” Corey went on to say, “she even said she’d throw in something she called a ’10 dollar tongue bonus.’ I still get a little short of breath when I think of it” said Billings. 

As the bidding war has escalated, the Billings have been forced to offer more and more money, with Stallings eventually pushing them to $116.75 and a 50% reduction of Corey’s chores. It is at this point that the bidding war has taken a new turn, as the Billings have made it clear that this is their last offer. “I told Lindsey what they said,” reported Corey, “and she said that maybe I should just take them up on it.” Corey reported his disappointment with Lindsey’s sudden concession, that is until, according to Corey, “she got that sly smile again and said, ‘take the money and we won’t kiss; maybe we’ll just get naked and see what happens instead.’” Corey has not yet relayed Lindsey’s “counter-offer” to his parents.

Corey’s sister Kaitlyn has also been given the same incentive as her brother. For her part, Kaitlyn Billings, who is both very bright and quite sarcastic, responded to her parents: “gee Mom and Dad, let’s monetize my sexuality—how could that go wrong!?”

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO GREAT CHURCH TALKS

In addition to the below infographic, please consult Shawn Rapier!

CHURCH PILOT PROGRAM ALLOWS MEMBERS TO SUPERSIZE SACRAMENT

New Supersize Sacrament Cups

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City confirm that the church is currently piloting a program that will allow members to supersize the bread and water that they take as part of their sacrament meeting worship.

David Carlson, who oversees the program, wrote in a confidential memo obtained by the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that “the supersize option seems to speak about food and religion in a way that many saints are very accustomed to.” Calrson noted that “as predicted, states like Mississippi seem particularly pleased with the 64 ounce water and full loaf of bread.” Another target market that responded well, according to Carlson’s memo, is Louisville, Kentucky. Carlson explained that, “given that Louisville is the home to Yum! Brands, whose restaurants include Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC, the supersized sacrament is a perfect fit!”

The pilot program has had one key obstacle. Carlson noted that the extra large portion of bread has been widely accepted, but, apparently, “the water aspect of the program has met with opposition in New York City, where those associated with former mayor Bloomberg see large drinks as a slippery slope into excessive soda consumption.” 

“I’m excited about this step,” noted Carlson, who concluded his memo with: “I think that this will help members really embrace this sacred moment (or moments now!), and I also think it will mean better bread, not just a little piece of freezer burnt crust from a half-forgotten bag frantically thawed in the car ride over to the chapel” 

AREA MAN WILL BE ONLY PERSON SURPRISED WHEN HE DOESN'T GET JOB OFFER FROM BYU-IDAHO

Sturkle explained that, unlike the Rexburg restaurant,

this is what a normal Applebee’s parking lot looks like

REXBURG, ID—In an imminent move that will surprise no one except Tom Sturkle, BYU-Idaho’s Humanities program will not be offering Dr. Sturkle the newly created Assistant Professor of Humanities job. 

When asked about her father’s chances of being offered a job at BYU-I, Sturkle’s 18 year-old daughter Holly said, “well, when he asked me to help him cut out slips of paper with quotes on them for the students to read, it was pretty clear that he doesn’t know how to teach college.” Holly explained that, “he hasn’t had any college teaching experience in his 10 years of graduate work at Brown, so I guess he thought he could just ‘wing it’ like it’s Elders Quorum or something. Knowing him,” concluded Holly, “he probably had the students compare pictures of the Salt Lake Temple with some Metallica song and then finished with his testimony—I can just see that train wreck in my mind right now.”

Sturkle’s 15 year-old son Kingston will also not be at all surprised when his father doesn’t get the job offer. “Dad is a great guy, don’t get me wrong,” commented Kingston, “but even though he is excited about it, I don’t think he should have told the search committee how thrilled he will be to start a Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender-Queer-Intersex-Ally student group right after he gets hired.” Kingston continued, “even I can see that as a problem.”

David Sturkle, a 34 year-old insurance salesman and active church member in Florida, will also experience no shock when his brother is not offered the job. David noted that “Tom is very smart, very smart, but when he gets nervous or excited, he talks about how his dissertation blended Mormon theology with French Feminism and an embodied Heavenly Mother and on and on and soon everyone gets pretty lost. I’m sure he ended up dragging the entire search committee down that rabbit hole, and, if it was anything like how our family felt two Thanksgivings ago, they will never want to see him again.”

Perhaps the least surprised person will be Tom Sturkle’s wife, Melanie. Melanie described how she discouraged him from telling the committee how Idaho is really just a stepping stone to a job in Provo and finally retirement in Hawaii. “Tom thought that they would respect and even expect that sort of honesty from such a top candidate. And when he got home,” continued Melanie, “it was much worse than I’d thought.” She went on to describe how “Tom called Rexburg the ‘lone and dreary world’, said that the town had the only Applebee’s in the entire world that anyone had ever described as ‘busy,’ and, finally, in his interview with the president, Tom gave him a few tips on improving his devotionals.” She finished by saying, “yep—we can take that job off the list!”

For his part, Tom said “I felt really good about the whole process, and I think I can really make a difference there.” He did add, with a small shadow of doubt that Tom easily dismissed, “thinking back on it, when I had my Skype interview with the General Authority, when he asked if I had a problem with pornography, I probably should not have said, ‘define problem.’”

REPORT UPDATE: Within 48 hours of his interview, Tom was notified that someone else had taken the job. 

PARALLEL DIMENSION’S “ORDAIN MEN” MOVEMENT STILL STRUGGLING

In a parallel dimension, this images is
unthinkable, absurd, or blasphemous

CITY BY THE LAKE OF SALT—In a dimension very similar to our own, but with some key differences, the Ordain Men movement is still struggling in its efforts to see the ordination of male members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Days that are Latter. Said spokesman Howard Wheelwright, “we hope that the day will come when men can put their hands on the heads of their children to bless them and that they can be heard in the church beyond just their ‘celestial, exalted role’ as good providers, dads, and coaches.”

Opposition to the Masculinist movement has a tradition of being quite strong in SDL culture. When asked about the movement, Sister Janet Jones said, “listen, I love my husband very much, I mean, he’s incredible, but I think that the Ordain Men people are just going too far.” When asked to elaborate on this, Sister Jones said, “even though I hold the priestesshood, he is treated like an equal partner in our home. I might preside, but, let’s be honest, I really let him run things most of the time.”

Other women also recognized the dangers of a push to ordain men to the Priestesshood. Said sister Patricia Collins, “my husband enjoys all of the blessings of the priestesshood already, and, with all of the work that he does to provide for our family, coach our kids’ sports teams, and find a little time for a boys night out, I honestly don’t see how he would have time for anything else.”

Several other women took to the parallel dimension’s online social media sites like BookforFace to talk about the Ordain Men movement. Typical of the comments about the movement were sentiments like “all callings in the church are the same, whether you are the Prophetess or the Men’s Relief Society leader” and “we all know that the Men’s Relief Society President really runs the ward.” One of the most poigniant comments was “my husband already holds the Priestesshood—every day when he comes home from work and wraps his arms around me!” Other comments noted that “since women are by nature nurturing, it makes sense for them to administer to the spiritual needs of others.”

When asked about the movement, men like Jeffery Walker said, “I just have faith that the Lord restored the church and Priestesshood through Emma Hale, and the Ordain Men people just seem like they are murmuring or trying to ‘steady the ark’.” Brother Walker continued, “I already feel equal to my high priestess wife so why would I want the Priestesshood!” Walker was not alone in these feelings. Glen Hatch added that “we all know how aggressive men are by nature, so they should go out and work hard for the family while a nurturing Priestesshood holder is at home, meeting everyone’s spiritual needs.” “Frankly,” added Hatch, “I think that if the men had the Priestesshood some of them would want to just take over everything—you know how those crazy Masculinists can be!”

Undaunted by such criticism, members of the Ordain Men movement continue their quest for male ordination. They claim that scripture asserts that men and women are equal before God, and that male ordination would bring blessings to both men and women. They also claim that some men don’t feel like their voices are heard in the church, a claim that many members, male and female, don’t really understand or agree with. Some members of the movement would like to know that the Sisteren are going to God and sincerely asking Her if men should be ordained, just as President Camilla Kimball prayed about extending the Priestesshood to all worthy women.

The movement does seem to be having some impact. While the Ordain Men organizers were turned away from the recent Priestesshood session of the church’s general conference, Quorum of the Twelve member Sister Darlene Oaks explained that though men are not ordained, they still work under the authority of the Priestesshood. Sister Oaks affirmed that “Thus, it is truly said that the Men’s Relief Society is not just a class for men but something they belong to—a divinely established appendage to the Priestesshood.” (Some have noted that “appendage” is a somewhat awkward, cumbersome word choice in this context.)

Finally, Sister Oaks also clarified some of the reasons why men are not ordained, and stated that “even though the church’s presiding authorities hold and exercise all of the keys delegated to women in this dispensation, they are not free to alter the divinely decreed pattern that only women will hold offices in the Priestesshood.”  

Upon hearing this, Brother Jason Peters said, “well, I was wondering if men should be ordained, but now that the Sisteren have spoken, I just need to have faith and keep trying to be the best provider, dad, and coach I can be.” Added Peters, “if I don’t feel my voice is being heard or if I think that it would be wonderful to be voice in the blessing of my children, well, I guess it just must be me.” He concluded that “I will just refocus my efforts on my church calling, trying to help the young men understand how important it is in the lives of the young Priestesshood holders that they dress modestly so that they are not ‘walking pornography’ for sisters who would be bombarded by irresistible and overwhelming impure thoughts.”

[Note from the editor: A sincere thank you to Ellen Koester for some of the inspiration for this completely true story about a parallel dimension.]

APRIL AWESOMENESS! A REPORT OF THE CHARLOTTE WEST STAKE YOUNG WOMEN BASKETBALL TOURNY

CHARLOTTE, NC—Last weekend saw the annual April Awesomeness! Charlotte West Stake Young Women’s Basketball Tournament. “Basketball, like Girl’s Camp,” explained Stake Young Women 2^nd Counselor Sarah Gustafson, “helps love and sisterhood grow among the young women.” Gustafson added that “oh, and we so admire those few, choice souls who can actually dribble the ball with only one hand—what a special gift!”

“I just love basketball,” exclaimed Melanie Hamilton, of the Charlotte 3^rd ward. Hamilton said that, “I love seeing my friends and afterwards we always go to Cracker Barrel together.” When asked about the actual games, Hamilton thought for a moment and said that she “loves to be so close, you know, sitting right there on the chairs, oh, and the outfits are so cute!”

Melanie is not the only young woman who loves the yearly basketball tournament. Kelly Hayward raved about the activity, adding that “we love how it helps us spread the gospel, especially to the three girls from school who didn’t make the varsity team who help us out.” By “help out,” what sister Hayward seems to mean is that they do all of the team’s dribbling, passing, rebounding, defending, and scoring. Hayward clarified that “even though this is about the only time that those girls come to the church, I think that they can feel something special here.”

The basketball tournament, not unlike the equivalent NCAA Men’s and Women’s Tournaments, has its share of drama. Some of this year’s drama came from the new coach for the 3^rd Ward. That coach, Sister Wendy Coleman, who had played some college basketball, seemed to have become slightly frustrated with her team. Melanie Hamilton, who played (editorial correction: “participated”) for the team, noted that “Sister Coleman started by saying something about a Princeton offense, and all I could think of was it doesn’t seem Christlike to be offensive.” What really seems to have confused the young sister Hamilton was when her coach told the team to “pick and roll.” Explained Hamilton, “I thought she was saying ‘pick a roll,’ and that just made me hungry for Cracker Barrel.” According to several sources, by the end Sister Coleman “refined” her coaching approach to just yelling “make the ball go through the orange circle!”

“I will say, we can play pretty tough,” concluded Hamilton.“I mean, almost everyone else has tons of scratches all over their arms from playing so hard once we get to Cracker Barrel.”

For their part, the Charlotte West Stake leadership is always pleased with the tournament. According to Stake President Marshall, “it is good, and, at least it doesn’t end in any excommunications, like what used to happen when we had the men’s tournament.”   

8 UNREMARKABLE LESSONS FROM APRIL 2014 GENERAL CONFERFENCE

MORE GANG VIOLENCE ERUPTS BETWEEN PROMINENT LDS BLOGGERS

One of many slanderous cross stitches
that has recently surfaced in Salt Lake

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Violence again has erupted between prominent LDS bloggers. The violence, which broke out over the weekend when competing bloggers were in Salt Lake City ahead of the church’s General Conference, seems to stem from several long-standing disputes. Those disputes include who actually started the bloggernacle, which blog does the most to improve Zion, and which blog worries the church’s leadership the most.

“This year it was pretty bad,” said one blogger who did not want to give her affiliation.“At one point everything was just blood, rage, and semi-coherent comments like ‘it is your Times and Seasons to die,’ ‘you are all Dove and no Serpent,’ or ‘oh, I will give you some Instruction, Juvenile!’”

Emergency room reports indicate a number of rather serious injuries. When asked about those injuries, hospital staff told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that, “apparently the Modern Mormon Men saw some bloggers from Feminist Mormon Housewives and Zelophenhad’s Daughters and said things like, ‘hey, you don’t have to cover up those shoulders for me,’ or ‘I’ll unload your dishwasher,” or, most offensive of all, ‘I find your modesty attractive,’ and apparently that is how those men ended up here.”

Stoking the violence has been some rather unusual threats. Police reports indicate that a “pastel cross stitch was left outside a conference room where bloggers where meeting. The cross stitch said, ‘Soon it will just be Wheat and Tears for all of you!’” 

“What we found,” reported Salt Lake City police officer Oliver Jensen, “was that accusations of conformity or being ‘almost correlated’ got the strongest reaction.” Jensen gave the example of a blogger, known only as “The Voice of the Uncommon Malcontent,” slanderously shouting at bloggers from Rational Faiths that their posts “sounded like they were ghost written by [Elder Boyd K] Packer.” Jensen continued that, “once we heard language like that, the Molotov cocktails, samurai swords, and jagged, broken bottles of consecrated oil would soon be all over the place!”

When asked about the violence and the Church leadership’s concerns about criticism and activism on LDS blogs, Elder Robert D. Hales, the apostle in charge of Electronic Communication Correlation, said, “wait, what’s a blog?”