Monday, April 21, 2014


In a parallel dimension, this images is
unthinkable, absurd, or blasphemous
CITY BY THE LAKE OF SALT—In a dimension very similar to our own, but with some key differences, the Ordain Men movement is still struggling in its efforts to see the ordination of male members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Days that are Latter. Said spokesman Howard Wheelwright, “we hope that the day will come when men can put their hands on the heads of their children to bless them and that they can be heard in the church beyond just their ‘celestial, exalted role’ as good providers, dads, and coaches.”

Opposition to the Masculinist movement has a tradition of being quite strong in SDL culture. When asked about the movement, Sister Janet Jones said, “listen, I love my husband very much, I mean, he’s incredible, but I think that the Ordain Men people are just going too far.” When asked to elaborate on this, Sister Jones said, “even though I hold the priestesshood, he is treated like an equal partner in our home. I might preside, but, let’s be honest, I really let him run things most of the time.”

Other women also recognized the dangers of a push to ordain men to the Priestesshood. Said sister Patricia Collins, “my husband enjoys all of the blessings of the priestesshood already, and, with all of the work that he does to provide for our family, coach our kids’ sports teams, and find a little time for a boys night out, I honestly don’t see how he would have time for anything else.”

Several other women took to the parallel dimension’s online social media sites like BookforFace to talk about the Ordain Men movement. Typical of the comments about the movement were sentiments like “all callings in the church are the same, whether you are the Prophetess or the Men’s Relief Society leader” and “we all know that the Men’s Relief Society President really runs the ward.” One of the most poigniant comments was “my husband already holds the Priestesshood—every day when he comes home from work and wraps his arms around me!” Other comments noted that “since women are by nature nurturing, it makes sense for them to administer to the spiritual needs of others.”

When asked about the movement, men like Jeffery Walker said, “I just have faith that the Lord restored the church and Priestesshood through Emma Hale, and the Ordain Men people just seem like they are murmuring or trying to ‘steady the ark’.” Brother Walker continued, “I already feel equal to my high priestess wife so why would I want the Priestesshood!” Walker was not alone in these feelings. Glen Hatch added that “we all know how aggressive men are by nature, so they should go out and work hard for the family while a nurturing Priestesshood holder is at home, meeting everyone’s spiritual needs.” “Frankly,” added Hatch, “I think that if the men had the Priestesshood some of them would want to just take over everything—you know how those crazy Masculinists can be!”

Undaunted by such criticism, members of the Ordain Men movement continue their quest for male ordination. They claim that scripture asserts that men and women are equal before God, and that male ordination would bring blessings to both men and women. They also claim that some men don’t feel like their voices are heard in the church, a claim that many members, male and female, don’t really understand or agree with. Some members of the movement would like to know that the Sisteren are going to God and sincerely asking Her if men should be ordained, just as President Camilla Kimball prayed about extending the Priestesshood to all worthy women.

The movement does seem to be having some impact. While the Ordain Men organizers were turned away from the recent Priestesshood session of the church’s general conference, Quorum of the Twelve member Sister Darlene Oaks explained that though men are not ordained, they still work under the authority of the Priestesshood. Sister Oaks affirmed that “Thus, it is truly said that the Men’s Relief Society is not just a class for men but something they belong to—a divinely established appendage to the Priestesshood.” (Some have noted that “appendage” is a somewhat awkward, cumbersome word choice in this context.)

Finally, Sister Oaks also clarified some of the reasons why men are not ordained, and stated that “even though the church’s presiding authorities hold and exercise all of the keys delegated to women in this dispensation, they are not free to alter the divinely decreed pattern that only women will hold offices in the Priestesshood.”  

Upon hearing this, Brother Jason Peters said, “well, I was wondering if men should be ordained, but now that the Sisteren have spoken, I just need to have faith and keep trying to be the best provider, dad, and coach I can be.” Added Peters, “if I don’t feel my voice is being heard or if I think that it would be wonderful to be voice in the blessing of my children, well, I guess it just must be me.” He concluded that “I will just refocus my efforts on my church calling, trying to help the young men understand how important it is in the lives of the young Priestesshood holders that they dress modestly so that they are not ‘walking pornography’ for sisters who would be bombarded by irresistible and overwhelming impure thoughts.”

[Note from the editor: A sincere thank you to Ellen Koester for some of the inspiration for this completely true story about a parallel dimension.]


  1. SDLs are too busy making sure Democrats are getting elected to worry about such matters!

  2. This is hilarious. I fully support my imput being used in this way! Bravo!!

  3. Ellen--I'm so glad you approve and find it funny!

  4. Jonathan Swift would love it.