Monday, June 9, 2014


THIRD LEVEL, EIGHT CORNICE OF INFERNAL DEPTH (PRINT SHOP/KMART RETURNS)—Reports out of Hell indicate that Satan’s efforts to maintain a “Book of Death” to rival Heaven’s “Book of Life” have again hit several production snags.

“It looked like we were in good shape several months ago,” reported Dark Lord Hookworm, executive director of Hell’s Print Shop/Kmart Returns. “But when the project presentation was made, we realized that it would not last as long as we wanted,” said Hookworm. When asked about the problem, Hookworm explained that “the entire list of all of the sins humans had committed on Earth was stored in 666 floppy disks.” Hookworm added, “those are disappearing already, so obviously they would not be around at the End of Days!” 

Further production delays have already marred a project whose goal is to “make sure every sinner is duly punished on Judgment day,” according to Hookworm. “Before the most recent problem, other versions of the Book of Death had been stored on Betamax video cassettes, HD DVDs and most recently on several Zune players,” said Hookworm. At one time the project was even stored on 8 track tapes. When asked about those failed versions, Hookworm said that “that is nothing compared to all of the money we spent uploading it to Friendster and putting it on free AOL Trial CDs.”  

Meanwhile, reports out of Heaven indicate that all of the contents of the Book of Life have recently been moved to, of course, Celestial Cloud-based storage. Concluded Hookworm, “we just do not seem to have the foresight of those upstairs guys, dammit!”

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