YW/YM Leaders Teach Chastity the "Comfortable" Way

Sister Stockton expounds on chastity.

By Amy Chamberlain

MAGNA, UT—Drawing on inspiration from Spencer W. Kimball, who brought the words “necking and petting” into common LDS usage, Young Women president Linda R. Stockton of the 26^th ward in Magna, Utah, has turned to other slang terms from the 1930s. These words, she claims, make lessons on chastity “more comfortable for the leaders.” 

“So many of us older guys and gals just don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about…intimate marital relations …with the words that the kids are using today,” she says. “I say that the girls in my charge don’t need to know the so-called ‘correct’ terms for everything. There’s time enough for that when they’re married.”

Her second counselor, Karla Magleby, agrees. “Kids today are too literal,” she says. “I say that topics such as intimacy are best discussed with metaphors. Using actual terms for, you know, some certain body parts would certainly drive the Spirit away. And if analogies were good enough for my grandparents, they’re good enough for these Generation-Y kids.”

The Young Men leaders gave the idea an enthusiastic thumbs-up, and Young Men President Darnell B. Pritchett mined his childhood memories for “appropriately vague” terms to use when discussing sex with the youth in his ward. 

“You gunsels are going to wanna pitch woo, especially when you’re dizzy with a dame,” Pritchett explained to the youth during a combined chastity fireside. “And if you’re at a swell egg harbor, you may get dingy, especially if you get honey coolers from some sweet patootie. You’ll wanna put your grabbers all over her get-away sticks. Don’t be making that kind of brodie or you’ll be putting your soul in a Chicago overcoat, see?”

The second speaker, Sister Stockton, added her thoughts on how to avoid drugs and alcohol, and how to leave questionable parties: “You cats can enjoy your jolly-ups. Go ahead and get all togged to the bricks. But you should really make tracks if someone tries to slip you a Micky Finn. You can listen to your whacky platters and gobble-pipes and skin ticklers, but stay far away from the rotgut and the snipes—that stuff’s all wet. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t blow your wig. Just give your host the high hat, make for your flivver, and take a powder. Dames, if your butter-and-egg man has already left, get on the blower to your parents. And don’t feel you have to go out every night. Bumping gums with the other twists in your cave? Well, that can be aces too.”

Bishop Larry B. Maynard spoke last, and drew on 1930s railroad stories from his youth to encourage the girls in his ward to stay chaste. “Just because the car knocker comes around your crummy to manhandle your dual control switch doesn’t mean you gotta be a twit,” he cautioned. “You keep that wet smack off your hotbox, even if you have to head to your roundhouse for a bumper. That Joe may very well look like the Big ‘O,’ but he could be a hot-headed tallowpot in disguise. Don’t let any old boomer buckle your rubbers on you, or you’ll be chewing cinders. I guess what I’m trying to say is: when you’re out hauling, always make sure your hogger is up in your crow’s nest and stay away from the hump yard.”

The youth leaders judged the fireside to be a great success. “Ain’t no crumbs ever gonna chisel our dollfaces at their juicy clambakes,” commented Shirley A. Benson, the Personal Progress adviser. “Not now that they got the low-down.”

“Mitt me, kid!” she added, turning to Sister Stockton.

“You shred it, wheat,” said Sister Stockton. They then exchanged a high five.

The youth of the Magna 26^th ward could not be reached for comment.

FARMS Vigorously Defends Michael McLean Songs

By Stephen Carter XII

NEW PROVO, MARS—In a special issue of the FARMS Review (August 2231), Mormon scholars Michael J. Wash, Robert Q. Humbling, and Horace H. Snedvet are defending the historicity of certain ancient Michael McLean songs (some over 200 years old) which were recently the subject of attack by anti-Mormon sources. The sources claim that some of the most inspirational songs attributed to McLean could not have originated in the 1980s and 90s, rather, they are forgeries perpetuated by a later musician attempting to satirize late 20^th century Mormonism.

The FARMS scholars, from the BYU-Mars campus, muster archeological, literary, and prophetic evidence to support their arguments.

Wash’s article describes video cassettes unearthed from deep within LDS Church archives containing evidence of two contested McLean songs, "You're Not Alone," and "Together Forever."

Though some of the videos had suffered extensive damage, a team of experts was able to decipher evidence of mullets, poofy bangs, and leg warmers; "all incontrovertible evidence that the songs were indeed produced during the 1980s and not at some later date by a McLean imposter," Wash declares.

Humbling takes a literary approach. "Consider some lyrics from one of McLean's contested songs," he writes, “ ’You're not alone / Say it one more time, You’re not alone / You are loved in ways that can't be shown / Your fears are known / You're not alone.’ A well-trained eye will discern after some study that every line ends with the 'own' sound—a trope well known and prolifically practiced by pop musicians during McLean’s day."

Humbling has also delved into historic McLean vinyl recordings, which are kept tightly locked in the vault of the First Presidency. He reports that he has detected no irony in the songs, which could have suggested satiric intent. “Indeed, from my extensive studies, I have concluded that irony had not yet infected Mormonism at that point in its history,” he writes.

On the prophetic front, a made-for-television film Mr. Kreuger's Christmas—though now lost—strides to the defense. 

"McLean was an unknown at the time he wrote and produced this legendary film," Snedvet writes. "There is evidence in the archives of KSL that the great Jimmy Stewart played Krueger's role—a miracle in itself!"

After much research in the BYU library's special collections, Snedvet discovered that Stewart was suspected by Ezra Taft Benson of being a Communist. "President Benson’s administration significantly overlaps the history of McLean’s songs,” he writes. “Yet another brick added to the monumental wall of evidence for the truth of McLean’s inspired music.”

Another article provides new support to the claim that McLean may have ghostwritten some Rick Astley tunes.

The next issue of the FARMS Review will defend novels by early Mormon author Jack Weyland.

BYU CREAMERY STANDS STRONG IN DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE

By Barley B. Bratt

PROVO, UT—In response to Ben & Jerry's gay-themed "Apple-y Ever After" ice cream, the BYU Creamery has just released its own "Apple and Eve, Not Apple and Steve" flavor. The apple crumble ice cream includes extremely straight-cut apple strips and is housed in a carton showing a very stern Adam, Eve, God, and Satan. All rainbows have been expunged from the garden background.

This isn't the the first time the BYU Creamery has used its considerable power to advocate against same-sex marriage. When Ben & Jerry's renamed "Chubby Hubby" to "Hubby Hubby," the BYU Creamery renamed its marriage-themed ice cream "For Time and All Etern-Nutty" to what they considered a "truth in advertising" name, calling it simply "Really Long Rocky Road."

The Creamery, which has often used the tag-line, "So good, you'll feel guilty—but it's not sinful, merely transgressive," caused considerable stir several years ago when it marketed flavors to newly married students, including "Wild Cherry Catastrophe," "Rabbit Hutch Raspberry,' and "Preg-Mint," as well as one for newly engaged couples called "Can Elope."

Snapshot: Now that we can't do proxy baptisms for celebrities, which celebrities are we planning to proxy marry?

Karl Marx and Ayn Rand

Kurt Cobain and Helen Ambelin

Ernest Hemingway and Boy George

Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy, Ingrid Bergman, Dorothy Lamour, Bettie Page, and me

Whitney Huston and Bruce R. McConkie

Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater

Brigham Young and whoever's left over

Add you own in the comments section.

Sex Ed Veto Spells Relief for Utah Families

A tasty object lesson some parents use to teach their kids about sex.

by Todd Robert Petersen

SALT LAKE CITY—Thousands of Utah families secretly pumped their fists in the air at the news that Utah Governor, Gary Herbert, had vetoed the controversial House Bill 363, which would allow public schools to drop their sex ed courses. Schools that chose to keep sex ed would have to teach an abstinence-only curriculum.

Many Utahns who publicly supported this bill were privately concerned that the duties of explaining human sexuality would fall to them.

Marjorie Kleinmann, president of the Barry Goldwater Middle School PTA said that she and many of the other parents in her ward very much wanted to be on the side of conservative lawmakers, who believe that the public schools are turning Utah children into sex-loving liberals.

Kleinmann said that "it sounded like a fantastic idea for all of us teach sex ed at home, until I realized that meant I would be the one who had to tell my sweet Alexis which part of her father's anatomy goes into which part of mine. No thank you." Kleinmann's solution is simple, "We all know that Utah school teachers are basically freeloaders. With this veto, they can start earning their keep."

Benson Smith, a biology teacher at Emigration High School voiced similar concerns. "Many students come to us with interesting ideas about sexuality. Last year a senior said my lecture on endosperms was pornographic and that he had given my name to his uncle who is a stake president." Smith said that his goal in science classrooms is not to make students into homosexuals or partakers in raucous sexual practices, "That sort of takes care of itself." Instead he just wants his students to understand that they "didn't get here because their parents sat on the same toilet seat."

A fellow teacher at Emigration High confirmed Smith's characterization of Utah kids as naive and mostly-confused about sex. "I have a student whose family refers to parts of the human anatomy using the brand name of Hostess products. You know, 'Twinkie' for penis, 'Snowballs' for breasts, and 'Suzie Q' for vagina. When he told me this, I asked him why his family didn't just use 'Ding Dong' for…you know, ding dong. He looked at me like I was wearing a Yoda mask and speaking Pig Latin."

Many of the youth in Utah are also relieved that they will not have to learn the facts of life at home. A student from Beaver High School, who asked that her identity be withheld, told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that when her mother shrunk from the duty discussing menstrual periods, their father took up the mantle. "He took my sisters and me out to Dairy Queen and demonstrated the process with a stack of napkins and the ketchup bottle. I don't even want to think how he'd deal with orgasms or STDs.

Snapshot: What movies are we excited to see at the Legacy Theater in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building?

Cipher in the Snow: The Revenge

Book of Muppet Stories 

The Girl without a Dragon Tattoo 

Joanna Lingo 

Freddy Krueger's Christmas

Raiders of the Lost Liahona

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Revelation 

The Princess Bride (Expurgated Version) 

Together Forever, with soundtrack by Rick Astley 

Twilight!!!

Legendary "Wandering Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Night Reminder Sign" Sighted

An alleged photograph of the legendary "Wandering Sign."

By Stephen Carter

BOISE, ID—It was a cloudy afternoon in a Boise suburb; the scent of an impending rainstorm hung in the air. A dog barked in the distance. An aluminum gate creaked. And the legendary Wandering Home, Family and Personal Enrichment Reminder Sign manifested itself.

Once Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Night reminder signs abounded, keeping local Saints abreast of the week's activities and giving hope to the chronically unorganized. But they have since disappeared almost entirely—their only remnant, the mysterious "Wandering Sign."

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer was unable to find the eye witness of the Boise sighting, but we were able to speak to Gary Turnbull, whose friend has a cousin in the witness's ward.

"So this guy's helping his home teaching family install their new home theater sound system," Turnbull relates. "He goes out to his truck to get a spool of speaker wire, and there it is—stuck in the lawn of the house across the street."

The witness was so excited that he ran back into his home teaching family's house to tell them about the sign.

"But when they got back outside . . . It was gone!" Turnbull says.

The story of the Boise sighting follows the main lines of other reported sightings across the United States and Canada, including a message being delivered by the sign.

Turnbull testifies that the sign bore a single phrase, one that still resounds in his soul.

"Food Storage."

The Wandering Sign has reportedly born other prophetic messages such as, "Redeeming the Dead," "Chieko Okazaki Book Night," and "Create Your Own Floral Arrangements."

Opinion: The Pioneers Didn’t Have it All THAT Bad

"Don't talk to me about sick oxen: my vacuum's broken!"

By Halley Price Curnutt

OK, so, pioneers were totally hard-working and spiritual and everything. I’m not saying they weren’t. I admire them and I even went on a trek reenactment once. But the thing that no one wants to admit is that our pioneers ancestors were spared a ton of hardships. 

For example, did they have to deal with cable companies?? Exactly. I mean, I can’t seem to get Comcast to understand that even though my husband wants all the sports channels, we do NOT want HBO—but we do want their full-access Internet-phone-sports service. I’ve spent literally half my life on the phone, trying to get them to fix the mistakes they keep making on our account! The pioneers didn’t have to deal AT ALL with irritating hold music or inaccurate billing practices. Not that they weren’t given trials of their own, of course. I’m just saying.

Bryson’s great-great-great grandparents buried their first three children as they crossed the plains. One died of starvation and the other two of exposure. I am sure that was really hard and everything. But hey, they didn’t have to go through the aggravation of getting their kids into the right summer programs. Tayte is 11 and he’s all about the soccer, but the best soccer camps are thirty minutes away—and the traffic is beyond terrible. Then, Meleyshia loves gymnastics (she’s spunky!) but the gym near us doesn’t have summer camps, and the one fifteen minutes away has these snotty girls who totally shun girls who have ANY talent (like Mel), and the really good camp across town has already filled up. The only camp that has any space left has a female coach who is, shall we say, “not really feminine.”

I won’t even mention how impossible it’s been to get Truxton into even a semi-decent baseball summer program. 

Seriously, I don’t see how pioneers could have had it any worse. I know they had to deal with deprivations, and disease, and various kinds of hard work, but did they have to return their mother’s birthday Edible Arrangement bouquet TWICE because the first time the pineapple was brown around the edges and the second time the bow actually had these disgusting grease stains on it? The trip back and forth totally destroyed my make-up because the mechanic hasn’t had time to look at my Lexus’s air conditioner, so I looked super disgusting when I met my friends at our Deer Valley condo for our little lost weekend. Which was totally ruined anyway because even though I’d re-ordered my entire supply of essential oils, Fed-Ex couldn’t find the address up there and didn’t even bother letting me know.  

Trials? I think I could teach the pioneers a thing or two about trials. I am grateful to know that God tests those he loves, but…honestly, could he love me a little less?! (j/k!)

STEPHENIE MEYER CALLED AS YOUNG WOMEN GENERAL PRESIDENT

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY—In a move that LDS young women are calling “wicked awesome” and “so freaking cool,” LDS Church spokesman Clive F. Burrell announced today that Stephenie Meyer, author of the enormously popular Twilight series, has been called as the newest Young Women General President. 

“Sister Meyer is a stalwart member with a strong testimony and a deep understanding of the gospel,” says Burrell. “Naturally, the youth of the Church are going to respond positively to such a role model.”

The announcement has been greeted with so much enthusiasm that this week’s issue of the Church News, which features a two-page spread on Sister Meyers, has become an instant collector’s item. 

“We don’t usually have trouble with the Church News selling out,” says a bewildered DeMarr Scraggs, general manager of Deseret Book. “But when the issue about Sister Meyer hit the shelves last Monday, a whole swarm of teenage girls and their moms descended on our flagship downtown store, screaming and giggling, and bought every one of them.” 

A similar scenario played out in every other Deseret Book throughout the Wasatch Front, though Scraggs was quick to point out that there are still plenty of back issues of the publication still available. “The same spirit inspired all the back issues as well as the current one,” he pointed out.

The announcement has had other repercussions as well. Tickets to this April’s General Conference, at which Meyers is rumored to be speaking, are selling on sites like eBay for as much as $300. Young women leader slots, which have always been hard to fill, are now in high demand. 

“I asked to be in the Young Women organization because I began to realize how much I love these girls,” says Lake Valley Fifteenth Ward member Lena Daggett. “Also, by happy circumstance, I’ll get to take my girls to the General Women’s Meeting where Stephenie Meyers will totally be speaking!” 

However, allegations that Young Women leaders have paid their bishops in exchange for their callings are unfounded.

The young women of the Cottonwood Hills Stake responded to the news with shrieks. “Shut up! Like, seriously, shut up! This is the coolest thing that’s ever, ever happened in church, ever, for my whole life,” says Brianna Cox, a Mia Maid. “I am totally going to wait for her after conference and see if she’ll sign my books.”

“I just have to get into the General Women’s meeting in September,” laments Hayley Wilkins, a Laurel. “Because I hear Sister Meyers is going to talk about how we can all snag our own personal Edwards. It’ll be the best.”

In the meantime, the Church is enjoying a tremendous surge in the attendance levels of mid-week Young Women activities and Young Women classes on Sundays. “We’re so pleased that the young women of the church can appreciate Sister Meyer’s special spirit and strong testimony,” says Burrell.

Huntsman: “I Would Accept a Calling in the Romney Administration”

It's all right there in his patriarchal blessing!

by Paul Allen

 

SALT LAKE CITY—In a series of tweets today, Jon Huntsman, former governor of Utah and recent candidate for the GOP nomination in the 2012 Presidential election, announced to his followers that he would "humbly accept a calling in the Romney Administration.” 

Citing a dream in which he saw himself traveling the globe with President Romney, “two by two, spreading the word of democracy and securing foreign oil,” Huntsman made it clear that if the administration called, he would answer.

“I really don’t feel worthy to serve,” Huntsman admitted, noting that the voters of New Hampshire agreed.  “But I know that when the mantle of Secretary of State, or even Vice President is bestowed upon a man willing to serve his country, that the spirit of democracy moves in mysterious ways, and even a quiet, unassuming, un-nominated man such as myself can fulfill a mission far beyond his usual abilities.”  

First, he acknowledged, it was essential to do his part to have Romney’s election made sure to the highest office of the land.

After mentioning that he has  “heeded the call to serve before,” a veiled reference to his ambassadorship to China, Huntsman concluded by noting that he “knows the United States is true, that President Romney would be a true president, and that the Constitution was an inspired document handed down for the past two hundred years by inspired men."

YOUNGSTER STILL TRAILING CLOUDS OF GLORY

By Stephen Carter

HENDERSON, NV—The Henderson 17th Ward was recently blessed with a new family, the Ono's, whose young son still trails the glory that attended him on his journey from pre-mortal life to earthly existence.

Four-year-old Eric astounded the entire ward when his family first entered the chapel.

"There was a palpable change in the air," reports Rita Ferris, ward librarian. "The entire congregation turned around to see what had happened."

As the Ono's walked up the aisle to an empty pew, "It became evident that that there was something special about little Eric," remembers Frank Hollowell, second councilor in the bishopric. "I could see literal clouds emanating from his backside, reminding me of that great poem that I believe President Thomas S. Monson penned, "Trailing clouds of glory do we come / From God, who is our home."

"I think the Williams, who were sitting behind them, were quite overcome by Eric's glory," Hollowell remarked. "Tears were streaming from their eyes the entire meeting."

Fae Rathbone, a Sunbeam teacher, remembers Eric's first day in class as her "most spiritual, ever. Even the lesson was testimony building," she recalls. "I did have keep the room well ventilated, though."

The Ono's maintain a remarkable humility about their miraculous child, informing the curious that "he'll grow out of it."

"And hopefully soon," sighs his mother, Yvonne. "I am so tired of all the hysterical weeping at play dates—from the mothers."

On the bright side, Yvonne admits that she has no problem finding Eric when he wanders off in crowded places, "I just follow the contrail and the testimony bearing," she explains.

THE MORMON TABERNALCE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO UPCOMING RELIEF SOCIETY MINI-CLASSES