L.ifting God's Light L.istener L.earned L.eader L.oving L.oyal to the Lord L.oved L. Tom Perry

SEALED PORTION OF BOOK OF MORMON PUBLISHED WHERE NO ONE WOULD FIND IT: ON A BYU SYLLABUS

During The Process, Davis Realized
Her Syllabus Could Have Been In Icelandic
And No Student Would Have Known the Difference

Provo, UT—Janet Davis, English professor at Brigham Young University, seems like a mild-mannered Medieval English Literature expert, but in a recent interview with the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Davis revealed that for the past 15 years she has been distributing sections of the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon. And why has the “mainstream Mormon press” not exploded with this news? It is because Davis has hidden those sections where no one would ever find them: in her course syllabus.

Davis told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that just over 15 years ago the angel Moroni visited her while she was on sabbatical in upstate New York. “This glorious personage appeared to me,” said Davis, “so of course the first thing I did was the handshake test.” Davis said that after passing the handshake test, “the angel told me that I was to translate the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon.”

What the angel told Davis next was the most troubling part of the visit. “The angel told me,” recounted Davis, “that my calling was that of Isaiah as recording in chapter 6.” Davis explained that she was told to “Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not. Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart.”

The command to reveal but in such a way that no one would see it posed quite the vexing problem for Davis. She spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to do something so paradoxical. “The answer came suddenly one day,” explained Davis. “There I was in class, you know, toward the end of the semester, and three students came up to me with questions that were clearly answered in the syllabus. And then it hit me: no one will ever find the scripture I’ve been commanded to translate if I just put it there!” 

Davis has experimented with where to put this additional scripture in her course syllabus. “At first I sprinkled it around, you know, in case someone started to read, but then I just put huge chunks of it anywhere, since no one even pretends to look it over!” Davis said that “at this point it doesn’t matter where I put it, but if the portion is really moving or powerful or spiritually compelling, I put it in the ‘Assignments Deadlines’ section since clearly no one ever looks there.”

MOVIES REVIEWED BY RECENTLY RETURNED MISSIONARIES

NEW ENGLAND BISHOP ACCUSED OF UNDER FILLING SACRAMENT CUPS

Boston, MA—Foxboro Massachusetts Bishop Bob Trady was recently investigated over accusations that Trady had asked Aaronic priesthood members to under fill the sacrament water cups. A report of that investigation obtained by the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer indicates that Trady had texted several teachers in charge of preparing the sacrament. Texts indicated that Bishop Trady wanted the cups filled to .25 ounces below the church required minimum. The report indicated that Bishop Trady requested that the cups be filled to his liking as a way to get the sacrament portion of the meeting to go faster. The report also indicated that Trady’s stake president was only notified when visiting a family from Indianapolis contacted him. This scandal comes hot on the heels of a church investigation of an Atlanta stake president allegedly using the chapel’s speakers to pump in artificial “amens” at the end of some of his talks.

UPDATE: Bishop Trady’s 4 sacrament meeting suspension has been upheld by the Regional Representative over the case.

CHURCH APPROVES ELECTRONIC METHOD TO TAKE SACRAMENT

Virtual Sacrament Now App

Salt Lake City, UT—Hot on the heels of Salt Lake’s announcement about online tithing and donation payment options comes word that the Church will soon be making the sacrament virtually available as well.

The Church posted on its website that “The Online Sacrament system will allow members in the United States an additional method of worship.” The website continues that “historically, the sacrament has only been available to those attending on Sunday, but for those who are sick or need additional time to set fantasy football lineups, they may participate through the online system developed by the Church.”

Additionally the Church announced that a new smartphone and tablet app will also be used to make the sacrament available to more saints. As the site explains, “The new app, Virtual Sacrament Now, will allow Aaronic priesthood members to bless and send the sacrament straight to smartphones or tablets, an option that is perfect for women in the mother’s lounge or parents wrestling with demonically-possessed children in the foyer.” The Church announced that gluten-free virtual options will also be available.

As an added precaution, the Church has beefed up security on the Online Sacrament system and the Virtual Sacrament Now app, concerned that “factions from OrdainWomen might try to hack the systems and bless and pass the sacrament themselves.”

Thanks for Chris Cobb's help with this important news item!

MORE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER HEADLINES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: WHY GIRLS CAN’T HAVE THE PRIESTHOOD

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare.

Believe it or not, sometimes people ask missionaries questions that just seem so obvious that you might not know what to say. Never fear. Here are some tips for dealing with what some missionaries erroneously call “tough questions.” These are all pretty easy when you think about it. Today’s question is:

Why Can’t Girls Have the Priesthood?

Sincere investigators just know that God doesn’t want girls to have the priesthood or He would have given it to them by now. But sometimes descent investigators can seem mixed up about this issue, so here’s what you do: you remind them that men and women have different gender roles. Women get to have babies and are naturally kinder, more nurturing, more loving, and can tolerate being at home watching television while the kids nap before they make your dinner. Men are powerful fighters and warriors who are not as kind or nurturing and cannot stand kids for too long. Women are also naturally so close to God that they don’t need the priesthood, but warrior men need everything that they can get so that they don’t constantly kill everyone. These gender roles are as eternal and unchanging as the commandments and laws so that no matter what culture or time you are in they apply everywhere. Just like how Jesus actually drank grape juice because he was living the Word of Wisdom because it is an eternal law, so women have never had the priesthood, have never blessed or anointed the sick, have never laid hands on people or animals to heal them, and have never been called prophets. Never! 

Insincere investigators might say that the view that men and women have essential characteristics is sexism. They claim that gender roles depend on society and that using these roles causes one to pre-judge people and could even distort how you see a man or a woman. Remember that playing the sexism card is one of Satan’s many tricks to destroy the family and the Proclamation, and those investigators are just stony ground where the true gospel seeds will never grow.

Final Warning

Now some missionaries may reject the eternal truths given above. Such missionaries might believe that women getting the priesthood is like blacks getting the priesthood, but those issues are totally different. Totally! Missionaries who lose faith in the eternal truth about gender roles might be tempted to say that they don’t really know why girls don’t have the priesthood. Answers like that make missionaries seem weak, making you seem like you don’t have all of the answers. Investigators must trust that you know everything if you are going to actually convince them that the church is true. Don’t fall into the trap of saying things like “I don’t know” or “I encourage you to ask a variety of wonderful women at church,” since you don’t know what they will say. To be a trustworthy, confident man, you must answer clearly and absolutely.

Taking the above approach is sure to keep you on the solid, sturdy ground of the eternal truths of gender roles and that women have never and will never do any priesthood-like things.

Best of Luck,

Elder Cory Anton

PS: This is clearly written by Satan.

“NONPRODUCTIVE” GAY AREA MAN ONE OF WARD’S HARDEST WORKING MEMBERS

Meal provided by “nonproductive” Brother Weaver

Fort Wayne, IN—Gay area ward member Travis Weaver, in spite of never marrying or producing children, happens to be one of the hardest working members of his congregation.

Travis has been very active in the Fort Wayne South ward since returning from his mission to Brazil almost 11 years ago. Since that time Travis has served in the Elders Quorum and Young Men presidencies and also spent 3 years as the early morning seminary teacher. Travis did this while completing his engineering degree at Indiana Institute of Technology and securing a great job in his field.

“Travis has a really demanding job, and he travels quite a bit,” said David Madison, first counselor in the Elders Quorum, “but he is one of our most trustworthy and diligent home teachers.” Madison quickly added that “he does a lot for the ward, and it is just too bad that he can’t find the right woman and have children.”

Madison, like most members of Travis Weaver’s ward, doesn’t know that Travis does not find women sexually attractive. Though Weaver has dated women from time-to-time, he has never felt right, personally, about a mixed-orientation marriage.

“Since really no one knows I’m gay,” explained Weaver, “I have to hear some pretty ugly things from time-to-time.” Weaver noted that in a recent Sunday School class, the topic of “worldly standards and permissiveness” prompted comments like “homosexuality is a sin and affliction because it makes people nonproductive when it comes to what really matters—the family and having children.”  Other class members said things like “from the very beginning God made men and women to be creative and have children.” This comment made Weaver laugh inside, as he reflected on how every scriptural Creation story only includes men as the creators.

Weaver, in part because of comments like those, has never thought it wise to tell ward members about his sexual orientation. Instead he has spent his adult years serving the people of his ward with unmeasured compassion, finding that he is lifting and lifted by those around him. When asked about comments like how gay people are “nonproductive,” Weaver said, “oh, yah, that nice sister who said that, well, I just figure she just doesn’t know better. One thing I do know is this: when she had a baby a few years ago, her family loved the beef Wellington with a green peppercorn sauce that I took over.”  

PROVO REVEALED TO BE HUGE POTEMKIN VILLAGE

This may be little more than pasteboard and scotch tape!

Provo, UT—Tipped off by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s Priesthood session talk, officials looking into allegations have confirmed that Provo “is indeed one massive Potemkin village.” Officials said that “from the ‘mighty’ Provo river to the ‘majestic’ Utah lake, it is all one gigantic sham.”

Officials reported that they had heard rumors about Provo’s fundamental artificiality for years. “Sure,” said one unnamed source, “I had heard the first day I came to Utah that unless you are on heavy doses of anti-depressants it is physically impossible to have actual, real fun at Seven Peaks or to even happily shop at the mall, but I had no idea about the scope of the deception.”

In spite of persistent rumors, officials had never followed up on them until Uchtdorf mentioned a town specifically trying to deceive passersby. When those officials took a closer look, they found that the entire city of Provo “was as real and true as the health benefits of vitamins or aromatherapy or promises of making ‘good money’ selling Vivint security systems over the summer.”

Some of the artificiality seemed to be centered on Brigham Young University’s campus. Said one official, “we found that what were called ‘Religious Education’ classes were often little more than watered-down Sunday School lessons with a thin veneer of actual academic rigor.” Other officials noted that “while some seemed to get something like a real education at the school, the entire university seems to be little more than a massive Mormon singles meet-and-greet.” The university’s artificiality is even evident in its architecture. In the words of another official, “first, I don’t know how you call a 12 story building a ‘tower,’ second, that art building looks like a rejected Frank Lloyd Wright sham design for the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, and finally, that dull, boring, granite business building looks like the empty box that the Salt Lake Temple came in!”

Not all passersby were fooled by Provo’s façade. When asked about the town which many call a “city set on a hill” and a “light to the world,” Salt Lake City resident Preston Nielson said that “yah, Provo is as real as the profits generated by Nu Skin and that Noni company!” Nielson went on to allege that “the entire town seems built on the municipal equivalent of the idea that one’s obedience buys them salvation.” Nielson himself is proud to be from a “real” place and to have graduated from a “real university,” the University of Utah, famous home of Stanley Pons and cold fusion.

CHURCH ISSUES PROOFREADING TOOLS FOR YW SEXUAL PURITY LESSONS

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church has issued proofreading tools for those Young Women leaders who might be working on lessons dealing with sexual purity. The tools are meant to help such leaders review key concepts and perhaps pinpoint lesson planning errors.

Male/Female P: This proofreading mark designates parts of a lesson where a leader might erroneously assume that pornography is only a male problem. The male and female symbols in the letter “p” remind a leader that young women can be just as curious and turned on as boys are by sexually explicit material. Leaders who believe that pornography is exclusively a male problem risk making young women who struggle with this issue feel additional isolation and shame.

Shackle?: This proofreading mark reminds those preparing a lesson that not all sexual struggles are addictions. This mark is especially useful for those who might conflate occasion pornography use with habitual pornography dependence.

Male Gaze: As some leaders might place too much emphasis on how a young woman’s actions might affect a male viewer, this symbol crosses out that male gaze. While young women can be aware of the signals they may send to others, including young men, women should not live lives dictated by what men may or may not see.

The T and Warning:Fear: These two symbols work well together when proofreading a sexual purity lessons. The scroll with a letter “T” is to remind instructors to use the truth as clearly and fully as possible. Telling that truth can mean being honest about struggles as well as success without being sensationalistic. It can mean affirming how powerful, pleasurable, and bonding physical affection can be as well as discussing some of the heartache that it can bring. The warning triangle with “fear” in it is to warn against using fear as a way to emotionally threaten or otherwise coerce young women to live the law of chastity.

A most obvious example of using fear in just such a way is the case of a woman from Cedar City, Utah who made cross stitches for all of her young women that said “if you have sex before marriage you’ll get syphilis and die.” The T and the Warning: Fear tools would have been ideal in the planning stages of this erroneous sexual purity message. In addition, these proofreading tools alert lesson planners to where they may feel tempted to use fear or manipulation—the devil’s tools—to do the Lord’s work.

Toast: This symbol, which is meant to show a piece of toast, could also be chewed gum, a cupcake with the icing licked off, or a flower without its petals. All of these are common symbols or metaphors for a woman whose sexual experimentation has “gone so far” that she is no longer considered “pure” by some. These very destructive, short-sighted, and erroneous comparisons use fear (see above), reinforce shame, convey the idea that God and others will no longer consider them worthy of love and connection, and undercut the very Atonement that is the core of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Dynamite: This proofreading tool is used to point out where teachers can insert messages that will make young women feel powerful. Many of the symbols above show errors that could make women feel afraid or powerless with relation to their bodies and the amazing things that their bodies can do. This symbol shows areas where instructors can encourage young women to love and feel deeply grateful for their bodies and what those bodies can do. It can also point to places in the lesson where instructors can encourage young women to consider how the power and pleasure that their bodies offer them can be used to bless their lives. Women who take ownership for their bodies and love and appreciate their bodies can then consider how they can use their bodies to bless the lives of others. With those ideas in mind, young women can set their own standards for how they will use such God-given blessings.

CLEARPLAY ANNOUNCES NEW CLEARPLAYSCRIPTURES

Salt Lake City, UT—ClearPlay has announced its latest service: ClearPlayScriptures. As with its famous service for movies, ClearPlayScriptures removes the vulgarity, sensuality, nudity, violence, substance abuse, and other offensive elements from holy writ.

According to their website, “whether it’s personal scripture study, family home evening with the kids, or a talk or lesson, ClearPlayScriptures has you protected.” 

The alterations that ClearPlayScriptures makes are obvious from the first chapters of Genesis, including “modest outfits” for Adam and Eve as well as Cain “finding some alone time” and “getting a tan” instead of killing his brother, fleeing, and being cursed.

“I’m just thrilled with this service,” said Jenna from Provo. “When it was family scripture study time, and there we were with 4 year-old Khyileë and 2 year-old Pyler, I was so glad when we got to the story of Nephi getting the plates to see that ClearPlayScriptures had filtered it so that Nephi finds Laban, takes him home, offers powerful testimony of the Word of Wisdom, and then Laban and his whole family are converted.” Jenna added, “when Laban wept as he tearfully gave Nephi the plates and said goodbye to his trusted friend Zoram, well I knew that heaven had blessed my family with scriptures free of anything troubling or contentious.”

ClearPlay’s website has numerous testimonials of people ecstatic about this new service. As Troy from Logan puts it, “it is so refreshing to be able to read the scriptures without your finger on the page ready to turn immediately when you find something inappropriate.” Troy could be responding positively to filters where Joseph’s brothers throw him a surprise birthday party, Jezebel encourages devotion and modesty as her and Ahab serve as mission presidents, and Jonah not only converts all of the sailors but even the fish were “moved upon by the Spirit.” 

Jacob from Springville also loves the service, saying that he would like to “thank all of the folks that make the filters and the engineers/current Seminaries and Institutes employees who make this possible!” Jacob said that the change in Lehi’s speech, specifically when he says “for it must needs be that there is an opposition against all bad things” helped him to see that “removing all traces of struggle and whatever makes us uncomfortable” is clearly what good people should constantly do.

TOP 10 REJECTED MUTUAL YOUTH THEMES

For every “O Ye that Embark in the Service of God,” there are thousands of rejected mutual youth themes every year. Here are only 10 of them. Please feel free to add more in the comments.