HEAVENLY MOTHER UPSET ABOUT BEING USED AS ARGUMENT AGAINST ACCEPTING HOMOSEXUALS

Actual Photograph of Scone Heavenly Mother Baking
For When Church Leaves Current Time-out

Heaven—“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing,” said a calm but stern Heavenly Mother in a recent conference call with the Mormon Church’s First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. “I see where all of this is going,” She continued, “and I want you to know I don’t like it!”

The Mother of All Creation expressed what She called Her “hot displeasure” with how She was being mentioned, in Her words, “to justify not accepting people with different sexualities.” She clarified that she objected to Mormon discussions of Heavenly Parents as a way to reinforce “the traditional family.” Heavenly Mother stated that, “sure, We love that you get married and have families,” but She explained that what too many were really doing was using “the family” to justify their unwillingness to believe and to accept homosexuals.

“I hear more talk about Heavenly Parents,” She elaborated, “to squash those who point out that, traditionally, all of creation was created by men.” She continued, “so now you mention Heavenly Mother, but it isn’t because you want women treated as equals; you just don’t like the idea of guys creating stuff without a woman!”

Heavenly Mother then took time to explain that family is a metaphor about how humans relate to the divine, and that it is not the only metaphor. She pointed out another metaphor is in Paul’s inspired words where humans are part of the body of Christ, or God’s body. In this metaphor every person or every part and every organ, “even the single ones, the transgender ones, the homosexual ones, the asexual ones—each of them” is to be valued, loved, supported, and cherished “for who they are.”

The smiling Mother in Heaven concluded that “the sooner you people can love one another as you are loved, the sooner you and the church can leave time-out,” adding, with a smile, “I’ve got some nice scones ready for you for when you do!”

“NONPRODUCTIVE” GAY AREA MAN ONE OF WARD’S HARDEST WORKING MEMBERS

Meal provided by “nonproductive” Brother Weaver

Fort Wayne, IN—Gay area ward member Travis Weaver, in spite of never marrying or producing children, happens to be one of the hardest working members of his congregation.

Travis has been very active in the Fort Wayne South ward since returning from his mission to Brazil almost 11 years ago. Since that time Travis has served in the Elders Quorum and Young Men presidencies and also spent 3 years as the early morning seminary teacher. Travis did this while completing his engineering degree at Indiana Institute of Technology and securing a great job in his field.

“Travis has a really demanding job, and he travels quite a bit,” said David Madison, first counselor in the Elders Quorum, “but he is one of our most trustworthy and diligent home teachers.” Madison quickly added that “he does a lot for the ward, and it is just too bad that he can’t find the right woman and have children.”

Madison, like most members of Travis Weaver’s ward, doesn’t know that Travis does not find women sexually attractive. Though Weaver has dated women from time-to-time, he has never felt right, personally, about a mixed-orientation marriage.

“Since really no one knows I’m gay,” explained Weaver, “I have to hear some pretty ugly things from time-to-time.” Weaver noted that in a recent Sunday School class, the topic of “worldly standards and permissiveness” prompted comments like “homosexuality is a sin and affliction because it makes people nonproductive when it comes to what really matters—the family and having children.”  Other class members said things like “from the very beginning God made men and women to be creative and have children.” This comment made Weaver laugh inside, as he reflected on how every scriptural Creation story only includes men as the creators.

Weaver, in part because of comments like those, has never thought it wise to tell ward members about his sexual orientation. Instead he has spent his adult years serving the people of his ward with unmeasured compassion, finding that he is lifting and lifted by those around him. When asked about comments like how gay people are “nonproductive,” Weaver said, “oh, yah, that nice sister who said that, well, I just figure she just doesn’t know better. One thing I do know is this: when she had a baby a few years ago, her family loved the beef Wellington with a green peppercorn sauce that I took over.”