THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO REJECTED OPENING LINES FOR THE BOOK OF MORMON

MINI MISSIONARY LESSON: HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR FAITH AS A MISSIONARY

With the lowering of the mission age, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is doing its part to help train young men for the rigors and blessings of doing God’s work. As part of this effort, Elder Kory Anton, who is hoping to clear things up and return to the mission field very soon, offers his insights to help others prepare. 

Don't be fooled: This is exactly how he did it!

Spending time talking with people about the only true and living church every day is really great! But let me just say, if you do it wrong, you can end up with a lot of pesky questions and maybe even doubts. If there is one great thing about being a Mormon missionary it is knowing that you are always right, that you have all of the correct answers, and that no one is as right as you are. To keep just as strong as possible that completely unwavering faith, here are some tips.

One: You Have the Keys to the Only Right Path for Everyone
Remember that you have the keys to the only path that actually leads to God. It is a modern day heresy, like saying “sometimes prophets make mistakes” or “Joseph Smith had sex with more wives than just Emma” or “Diet Coke is not a sin” to say that someone can be a Baptist or a Buddhist or a Ute and still get to the highest level of the Celestial kingdom. When people say, “well, there are many roads to God,” tell them that there is one faith, one baptism, and only one super right path that God wants every single person to follow.

Two: Use Science very Selectively
We know that most science is controlled by the devil, and that God lets him use it to allow the weak and faithless to show their true colors. Science uses things like fossils and elaborate guesses about how old stuff is to try to make people doubt that the earth is about 6,000 years old or that Adam named all of the animals. Science usually helps sinners who want to reject God, drink wine, or be gay. But sometimes we can take the power back from Satan and use it for good. For example, when someone asks why they should not drink tea, use science to tell them that tea has tannic acid, which is a chemical so strong that it is used to tan hides. Clearly God would not want you drinking that chemical, which would at least discolor your insides.

Three: Remember that You have All of the Right Answers
Most importantly, remember that you have all of the right answers no matter what. Some missionaries get into big trouble when they are teaching. They get too close to investigators. Soon those missionaries are actually listening to some Catholic who has felt “really inspired by Pope Francis or Mary.” Missionaries might start to believe that someone could have a spiritual experience in the dark, satanic gloom of a Great and Abominable church. Nothing could be more dangerous for a missionary than to be tempted to think that spiritual experiences happen outside of the Mormon church, Scout camp, or BYU sports events. Remember that faith means never having a question or doubt, and it is certainly the opposite of taking risks! If doubts arise, your first answer should not be to pray, since God will be upset at your lack of faith. No, the proper response is to be more obedient and all of the questions will go away.

Let me reassure you that the scriptures, General Conference, the Proclamation, and what your mission president says answer all questions completely. You have the truth, and that means you have the answers for any question, whether that question is about politics, foreign policy, economics, family planning, parenting, marriage, divorce, career planning, addiction, modesty, Bible translation, archaeology, philosophy, art, or baby names. Ever since Joseph “lacked wisdom” and got his answer, the church has never had any questions, doubts, or concerns; it is only the unbaptized or faithless who still doubt.

The Best of Luck,

Elder Kory Anton

PS: This article, this article, and this article are probably from Satan--Avoid!

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES SOON TO BE ADDRESSED ON LDS.ORG

As the church has been issuing clarifications of controversial issues on LDS.org, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer gives you the exclusive scoop on upcoming clarifications.

LDS CHURCH IN TRADE TALKS TO BOLSTER CONFERENCE LINEUP

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a move that Church leaders hope will bolster the April General Conference lineup, reports have come out of Salt Lake about possible trades for top talent from other churches.

According to one source who could not be named, “they are looking seriously at a couple of Catholic cardinals, a charismatic Alabama Baptist preacher, and even a Lutheran and a Presbyterian.” That same source said that “the search seems to be for someone new and refreshing who might help everyone step up his game, even if he has to come off of the bench, or, in this case, off of the cushioned chair.”

   

There have been several trade issues that have come up in the process. As another informant put it, “the Anglicans want pretty large transfer fees for priests who still have time on their contracts, but they’d like to move them before the (LDS) Church gets them as a free transfer.” That has not been the only problem. According to another source, “the Seventh-Day Adventists want a couple of Third Quorum of the Seventy draft picks for one of their top ministers.”

News of these negotiations has come as quite a surprise for many members of the Mormon church. “I really didn’t know anything about this,” said David Norton, “until I got to the mission field.” Norton said that in his mission, which he could not name for church drafting security purposes, “missionaries are required to baptize at least two 4- or 5-Star recruits during their time in the field.” Norton added that “the church is always looking toward next season’s recruiting class and does not just rely on their minors leagues (comprised of BYU presidents, corporate executives, and insurance agents).”

Church insiders have noted that some of the talent may not be developed like it could. As a third source who is in charge of church recruiting and development mused, “last year around Conference time, as I was thinking about bolstering next year’s lineup, I saw a large line of people in the evening who were not allowed in, they seemed smart and passionate, and it made me wonder how they could help the team.” 

CAPTAIN MORONI’S WIFE BRENDA GIVES HIM FEEDBACK ON CLOTHING CARE, DIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENCE

Series Note: As part of its Lost Writings of the Book of Mormon series, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is pleased to reveal to the world a previously unpublished document from the time and people described in the Book of Mormon.

Dear Monimoni*

My fervent prayers go out to the Lord for your continued safety as we are all caught up in this terrible war with the Lamanites. 

As you know, I’m very, very proud of you. You are a superb husband, father, and leader of this people. And I fully support your efforts to rally the people, but I have to say that just about the time that I get your clothes hemmed up you send me another tunic that you have again ripped up and written all over. I can understand your love of banners. Who doesn’t love a good banner?! And I was happy with those first ones, since, after all, you wrote them on some older outfits. But honey, could we dial back on that a bit? The last banner you made was on your new robe, and I’m not sure that “Amalickiah Sucks Lehi Rocks” is your best rallying cry, but maybe that is just me.

And that really brings me to my main point, honey. I got a copy of the letter you plan on sending to Ammoron, and I have a couple of editorial changes you might want to consider. Maybe you weren’t paying attention in Diplomatic Writing 101 class, but remember that the first rule is “Consider your Audience.” Of course I don’t know Ammoron and you are the leader of the armies, but maybe leading off with the justice of God is not how you want to start. Sure, I get it; the sword of the Lord’s almighty wrath does hang over his head, and, sure, he is pulling down the anger of God upon himself, but maybe we could build to that. I’m also not sure that describing your interlocutor as a child of hell is the sort of kick off to a dialogue that you want to go with. That said, there are some solid things in the middle that you should definitely keep.

With that feedback in mind, here’s a new version of the letter that you might consider: 

Behold, Ammoron, I have written unto you somewhat concerning this war. I will exchange prisoners with you under these conditions: that you deliver up a man and his wife and children for one of your men who is currently our prisoner. I am Moroni; I am a leader of the people of the Nephites.

Now, I know how you get when I give you unsolicited advice, and, knowing you, you may have already sent the letter, but I think that my revision gets right to your key points. 

Well, in any case, may the Lord continue to bless you and this people as you fight for our liberty and lives. I love and cherish you, and cannot wait for you to be back in my arms. When I miss you, I think about all of the great times we have shared. One of my favorite memories is that crazy party at Nephoran and Patty’s house and the prank we pulled, you know, the party where we felt trapped by all of those boring people, so we decided to get all of them drunk and escaped but then we thought it would be fun to came back early in the morning with weapons and threatened them unless they promised to never invite us over again. Good times.

Love,

Brenda

PS: If you ever find that you have other letters you are writing, you know, like to Shiblon, to your friend Pahoran, or to Carl, remember to not jump to hasty conclusions. If in doubt, you know, about what might being going on, send a postcard that says something like, “Dude, Wassup?”

*Monimoni is apparently Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda’s nickname for him

AS VALENTINE'S SURPRISE, OTHER APOSTLES “HEART ATTACK” ELDER NELSON

Domestic and unapostolic example
of a "heart attack"

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In what Elder Nelson described as “totes awesome,” the other eleven apostles “heart attacked” his office door as a Valentine’s day surprise. The “heart attack” consisted of heart-shaped pieces of paper taped to the door with notes of love and encouragement.

“We really wanted to just tell Russell how much we love and appreciate all that he does,” said Elder Andersen. “He has been so great since I got here, you know, like showing me around and helping me feel like part of the group.”  Elder Andersen added, “you know it can be hard when you join a new group, you know, since they already have their friends that they do things with and some already have matching ties and stuff.”

Reports from the church office building indicate that the pink, red, and white hearts that covered Elder Nelson’s door included messages like “Awesome Conference Talks” and “Cute Hair” as well as traditional favorites like “U R Great!” 

“We had some debate about what we would do this year, you know, to really tell someone from the group how much we just love him,” said Elder Oaks. “Elder Ballard wanted to ‘teepee’ his office.”  (“Teepeeing” an office is when you fill the interior walls with notes of love and encouragement shaped like stereotypical Native American, mobile, triangular dwellings.)  Elder Oaks continued, “I told Elder Ballard that that didn’t sound like a good idea, since we did that many years ago to Elder George P. Lee’s office, and let’s just say it didn’t turn out good.”

There were other suggestions that were similarly passed on.  “Elder Packer thought it would be hilarious to try to attach actual human hearts to (the cardiologist’s) door,” reported Elder Holland.  “And he would have figured out a way to do it too,” elaborated Elder Holland, finally adding, “that Boyd is just such a kidder!”  

2014 CHURCH LEADER VALENTINES

As we have done for years, or at least "year," here are the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer's Church Leader Valentines: (oh, and these are the Valentines from last year)

HENDERSON NEVADA WARD PILOTS NEW “BODY OF THE CHURCH” SACRAMENT SEATING

Two of the original Sacrament Options
Depending upon what part of the body you were

HENDERSON, NV—The Henderson 3^rd ward is piloting a new church sacrament seating program called the “Body of the Church.” This program arranges congregation members according to different categories, thus making each person’s place in the “body of the Church,” or, as Paul said, in the “body of Christ” clear.

According to the seating arrangement, the “head and eyes” are the Bishop and his counselors on the stand. The central pews are for the “heart and lungs,” consisting of families with members holding important callings and/or husbands who have “home taught at least once since 2000.” In addition to these parts, the “arms” are the deacons arranged on each side and ready to pass the sacrament, while the legs are families with infants on the sides to the back who are “ready to run out with screaming children.”

The program also reserves open seats throughout the congregation for visitors and less actives. “These seats are left open,” said Bishop Phillips, “and we call them various names like “pancreas” or “knee cap” or “hair follicles.” Phillips added that “those places are important, don’t get me wrong, it is just that we don’t know who will take them.” 

The arrangement also facilitates sacrament passing.“According to the original plan,” explained Bishop Phillips, “different ‘body parts’ would have different sacrament items, but it turned out that having trays with stale, freezer-burnt bread and trays with Cinnabon rolls was too cumbersome.” The only element retained from this part of the pilot involves gluten-free bread. “Oh, yah, we still have a special gluten-free section with, of course, separate bread—that section is out in the parking lot, since no one wants to get stuck with that dreadful stuff” said Phillips.

As a final note, Phillips said that the center back section is the “body’s less comely but still necessary excretory system,” adding that that “is perfect for readers of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.” 

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO REJECTED MEETINGHOUSE ADD-ONS

SPLINTER CES GROUPS CREATE ALTERNATIVE SCRIPTURE MASTERY LISTS

An Alternative Scripture Mastery Card

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that church officials are concerned about splinter Church Education System groups creating alternative scripture mastery lists.

These reports note three groups that have started to stray from CES directives and have made their own lists of scriptures that seminary and institute students should master.

One group, centered in New England, has put forward what it calls the “CES” or “Church Enlightenment System’s” list of common scriptures. Their scripture mastery list includes many scriptures from King Benjamin’s speech and more verses with Jesus’ directives to help the poor. 

The New England group’s Church Enlightenment System list also calls for some rather unconventional “scriptures.” This list includes several versus from the Quran, Bhagavad Gita, Buddhist sutras, and a passage from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s famous “Divinity School Address.” Unconfirmed reports indicate that the list may also include quotes from the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act as well as what reports call “some Grateful Dead lyrics.”

A second splinter group, with a number of cells in the Mountain West, has a list that they call the “CES” or “Church Edification Standard.” This list emphasizes scriptures that place a high premium on obedience. Students also master several verses that provide prophetic statements about the United States, including many from 1 and 2 Nephi.   

Like the New England group’s list, this one also has some rather unconventional scriptures, including versus from the United States Constitution and Declaration of Independence. Furthermore, the list includes passages from the Federalist Papers and quotes from speeches by George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and brother Glenn Beck.     

The final list is one devised by students. This list, called the “CES” or “Church Entertainment Stuff,” includes 1 Nephi 2:12: “And my father dwelt in a tent” and 1 Chronicles 1:25, which reads, “Eber, Peleg, Reu.”

While some verses were obviously chosen for ease of memorization, the list also addresses other needs. One verse, chosen for working with difficult roommates or mission companions, is 1 Nephi 4:12, which reads, “And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands.” 

For missionaries, the list includes 3 Nephi 3:7. Not to be mistaken with 1 Nephi 3:7, 3 Nephi 3:7 reads: “Or in other words, yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto us—not our slaves, but our brethren and partners of all our substance.”

While internal memos indicate some concerns, there has so far been no direct reply to these groups from Salt Lake.

LEADERSHIP CRISIS CAUSES BYU’S CHESS CLUB’S CONSTITUTION TO HANG BY A THREAD

PROVO, UT—According to unidentified sources, the ongoing leadership crisis suffered by BYU’s Chess club is such that the organization’s very constitution now “hangs by a thread.” Said one Chess club insider, “all I can really tell you is that the club’s political machinations are playing out like the classic English opening countered by the formidable French defense, and now the organization’s charter and foundational document is jeopardized!”

The conflict seems to have arisen over issues of the separations of powers between the club’s board of directors, known as the Gerents of the Enlightened Engagement in the Kings’ Sport, and its appointed executive, known as the Noble Emissary of the Royal Duel. “What we are seeing,” explained another unnamed club member, “is a clear power grab on the part of the executive leader from the board of directors.” The source elaborated that “if Tyler thinks that just because he’s the NERD that he can take power by pinning the GEEKS, well, he’s got another thing coming!”

Not everyone in BYU’s Chess club seems surprised by the move. A third member said that “the situation is a classic ‘Milk and Strippings’ conflict like those that have tested Mormon mettle from the beginning, and now all we can to do is wait for the prophesied ‘Mighty and Great One’ who will bear the Chess club’s constitution away from the verge of destruction.”

 

When asked if similar crises had ever befallen this organization, the same unnamed member said, “yah, last year Dave tried to make some changes, but that all ended when he got a girlfriend.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT UTAH GAY MARRIAGES

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s February 2014 issue will feature an article addressing recent gay marriages in Utah. The article follows closely the August, 2013 piece in the same magazine dealing with the Supreme Court’s Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “By Spirit and by the Law, We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications to Primary-aged LDS children of so many gay marriages in the Beehive state. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “still very concerned grandparents reading Utah newspapers and watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, hold hands, and preform pretend marriages between children of all types and genders.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article’s text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss how Judge Shelby decided that “boys and girls should be treated fairly by everyone, even if a large number of people don’t see it that way.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, your really nice uncles or your super great aunts can have a nice big wedding too.”

Further reports indicate that children will be told to “make sure you write in your journal about this special recent Christmastime, about gift-giving, the Primary program, and the television coverage of so many happy people getting married.” To clarify other aspects of the marriages, the article will explain that children do not need to write in their journals about the “very cranky uncle who said that now gay people can be just as miserable as other married people.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, financial, and legal benefits of marriage equality with the majestic Great Salt Lake behind them.”