NEW DIRECTOR DECKS OUT TEMPLE SQUARE FOR HALLOWEEN

Like this but with Halloween stuff

Salt Lake City, UT—New Temple Square director Shara Mackley is trying to make her mark on the Square’s famous holiday decorations as the facility gears up for the Halloween rush. “Everyone is just so excited,” said Mackley “about transforming Temple Square into a fun, spiritual, and playfully horrifying place where visitors can see the joyously twisted side of Zion.”

The brimming-with-excitement Mackley is pulling out all of the stops this year. “Of course we’ve got the artificial cobwebs all over the Temple and other buildings,” said Mackley, “the ghostly hands emerging from an all-swamped-out reflecting pool (with spooky lights!), and the over 30,000 demonic-red miniature skull lights in all of the trees!” Mackley then elaborated that “this year were going to add some scary, slow moving mannequins all over the Square that look like zombies who will be holding temple cards and imploring visitors to do their work.” Added an almost breathless Mackley, “it will be wonderful!”

This year’s festivities don’t end with the decorations. Mackley told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, that “like we do every year, the Temple Square missionaries will be all dressed up for the entire Halloween season.” When asked about favorite costumes, Mackley said that “many sisters prefer the old standards, you know, ghost, princess, Marie Osmond, and modest Eve, but some like to dress up as Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda, angry and determined Eliza R. Snow, pregnant sister missionary, and protesting ordain women marcher, you know, anything that they can think of to get a laugh out of one of the Twelve Apostles—such kidders!”  Mackley added that she overheard a very excited sister who was going to be “Hermione Granger one day, Hermione-the-Feminist-Speaking-at-the-UN the next day, and then Hermione-who-finds-the-Gospel-and-becomes-a-missionary for Halloween itself.”

Mackley said that she hopes that everyone will feel the true spirit of love and fun that this special time can bring, and she was excited about how Temple Square’s “marvelous decorations will be the perfect backdrop for the First Presidency’s annual Halloween Devotional.”

CAPTAIN MORONI’S WIFE BRENDA GIVES HIM FEEDBACK ON CLOTHING CARE, DIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENCE

Series Note: As part of its Lost Writings of the Book of Mormon series, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is pleased to reveal to the world a previously unpublished document from the time and people described in the Book of Mormon.

Dear Monimoni*

My fervent prayers go out to the Lord for your continued safety as we are all caught up in this terrible war with the Lamanites. 

As you know, I’m very, very proud of you. You are a superb husband, father, and leader of this people. And I fully support your efforts to rally the people, but I have to say that just about the time that I get your clothes hemmed up you send me another tunic that you have again ripped up and written all over. I can understand your love of banners. Who doesn’t love a good banner?! And I was happy with those first ones, since, after all, you wrote them on some older outfits. But honey, could we dial back on that a bit? The last banner you made was on your new robe, and I’m not sure that “Amalickiah Sucks Lehi Rocks” is your best rallying cry, but maybe that is just me.

And that really brings me to my main point, honey. I got a copy of the letter you plan on sending to Ammoron, and I have a couple of editorial changes you might want to consider. Maybe you weren’t paying attention in Diplomatic Writing 101 class, but remember that the first rule is “Consider your Audience.” Of course I don’t know Ammoron and you are the leader of the armies, but maybe leading off with the justice of God is not how you want to start. Sure, I get it; the sword of the Lord’s almighty wrath does hang over his head, and, sure, he is pulling down the anger of God upon himself, but maybe we could build to that. I’m also not sure that describing your interlocutor as a child of hell is the sort of kick off to a dialogue that you want to go with. That said, there are some solid things in the middle that you should definitely keep.

With that feedback in mind, here’s a new version of the letter that you might consider: 

Behold, Ammoron, I have written unto you somewhat concerning this war. I will exchange prisoners with you under these conditions: that you deliver up a man and his wife and children for one of your men who is currently our prisoner. I am Moroni; I am a leader of the people of the Nephites.

Now, I know how you get when I give you unsolicited advice, and, knowing you, you may have already sent the letter, but I think that my revision gets right to your key points. 

Well, in any case, may the Lord continue to bless you and this people as you fight for our liberty and lives. I love and cherish you, and cannot wait for you to be back in my arms. When I miss you, I think about all of the great times we have shared. One of my favorite memories is that crazy party at Nephoran and Patty’s house and the prank we pulled, you know, the party where we felt trapped by all of those boring people, so we decided to get all of them drunk and escaped but then we thought it would be fun to came back early in the morning with weapons and threatened them unless they promised to never invite us over again. Good times.

Love,

Brenda

PS: If you ever find that you have other letters you are writing, you know, like to Shiblon, to your friend Pahoran, or to Carl, remember to not jump to hasty conclusions. If in doubt, you know, about what might being going on, send a postcard that says something like, “Dude, Wassup?”

*Monimoni is apparently Captain Moroni’s wife Brenda’s nickname for him