HENDERSON NEVADA WARD PILOTS NEW “BODY OF THE CHURCH” SACRAMENT SEATING

Two of the original Sacrament Options
Depending upon what part of the body you were

HENDERSON, NV—The Henderson 3^rd ward is piloting a new church sacrament seating program called the “Body of the Church.” This program arranges congregation members according to different categories, thus making each person’s place in the “body of the Church,” or, as Paul said, in the “body of Christ” clear.

According to the seating arrangement, the “head and eyes” are the Bishop and his counselors on the stand. The central pews are for the “heart and lungs,” consisting of families with members holding important callings and/or husbands who have “home taught at least once since 2000.” In addition to these parts, the “arms” are the deacons arranged on each side and ready to pass the sacrament, while the legs are families with infants on the sides to the back who are “ready to run out with screaming children.”

The program also reserves open seats throughout the congregation for visitors and less actives. “These seats are left open,” said Bishop Phillips, “and we call them various names like “pancreas” or “knee cap” or “hair follicles.” Phillips added that “those places are important, don’t get me wrong, it is just that we don’t know who will take them.” 

The arrangement also facilitates sacrament passing.“According to the original plan,” explained Bishop Phillips, “different ‘body parts’ would have different sacrament items, but it turned out that having trays with stale, freezer-burnt bread and trays with Cinnabon rolls was too cumbersome.” The only element retained from this part of the pilot involves gluten-free bread. “Oh, yah, we still have a special gluten-free section with, of course, separate bread—that section is out in the parking lot, since no one wants to get stuck with that dreadful stuff” said Phillips.

As a final note, Phillips said that the center back section is the “body’s less comely but still necessary excretory system,” adding that that “is perfect for readers of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.” 

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER GUIDE TO REJECTED MEETINGHOUSE ADD-ONS

SPLINTER CES GROUPS CREATE ALTERNATIVE SCRIPTURE MASTERY LISTS

An Alternative Scripture Mastery Card

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that church officials are concerned about splinter Church Education System groups creating alternative scripture mastery lists.

These reports note three groups that have started to stray from CES directives and have made their own lists of scriptures that seminary and institute students should master.

One group, centered in New England, has put forward what it calls the “CES” or “Church Enlightenment System’s” list of common scriptures. Their scripture mastery list includes many scriptures from King Benjamin’s speech and more verses with Jesus’ directives to help the poor. 

The New England group’s Church Enlightenment System list also calls for some rather unconventional “scriptures.” This list includes several versus from the Quran, Bhagavad Gita, Buddhist sutras, and a passage from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s famous “Divinity School Address.” Unconfirmed reports indicate that the list may also include quotes from the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act as well as what reports call “some Grateful Dead lyrics.”

A second splinter group, with a number of cells in the Mountain West, has a list that they call the “CES” or “Church Edification Standard.” This list emphasizes scriptures that place a high premium on obedience. Students also master several verses that provide prophetic statements about the United States, including many from 1 and 2 Nephi.   

Like the New England group’s list, this one also has some rather unconventional scriptures, including versus from the United States Constitution and Declaration of Independence. Furthermore, the list includes passages from the Federalist Papers and quotes from speeches by George Washington, Ronald Reagan, and brother Glenn Beck.     

The final list is one devised by students. This list, called the “CES” or “Church Entertainment Stuff,” includes 1 Nephi 2:12: “And my father dwelt in a tent” and 1 Chronicles 1:25, which reads, “Eber, Peleg, Reu.”

While some verses were obviously chosen for ease of memorization, the list also addresses other needs. One verse, chosen for working with difficult roommates or mission companions, is 1 Nephi 4:12, which reads, “And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands.” 

For missionaries, the list includes 3 Nephi 3:7. Not to be mistaken with 1 Nephi 3:7, 3 Nephi 3:7 reads: “Or in other words, yield yourselves up unto us, and unite with us and become acquainted with our secret works, and become our brethren that ye may be like unto us—not our slaves, but our brethren and partners of all our substance.”

While internal memos indicate some concerns, there has so far been no direct reply to these groups from Salt Lake.

LEADERSHIP CRISIS CAUSES BYU’S CHESS CLUB’S CONSTITUTION TO HANG BY A THREAD

PROVO, UT—According to unidentified sources, the ongoing leadership crisis suffered by BYU’s Chess club is such that the organization’s very constitution now “hangs by a thread.” Said one Chess club insider, “all I can really tell you is that the club’s political machinations are playing out like the classic English opening countered by the formidable French defense, and now the organization’s charter and foundational document is jeopardized!”

The conflict seems to have arisen over issues of the separations of powers between the club’s board of directors, known as the Gerents of the Enlightened Engagement in the Kings’ Sport, and its appointed executive, known as the Noble Emissary of the Royal Duel. “What we are seeing,” explained another unnamed club member, “is a clear power grab on the part of the executive leader from the board of directors.” The source elaborated that “if Tyler thinks that just because he’s the NERD that he can take power by pinning the GEEKS, well, he’s got another thing coming!”

Not everyone in BYU’s Chess club seems surprised by the move. A third member said that “the situation is a classic ‘Milk and Strippings’ conflict like those that have tested Mormon mettle from the beginning, and now all we can to do is wait for the prophesied ‘Mighty and Great One’ who will bear the Chess club’s constitution away from the verge of destruction.”

 

When asked if similar crises had ever befallen this organization, the same unnamed member said, “yah, last year Dave tried to make some changes, but that all ended when he got a girlfriend.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT UTAH GAY MARRIAGES

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s February 2014 issue will feature an article addressing recent gay marriages in Utah. The article follows closely the August, 2013 piece in the same magazine dealing with the Supreme Court’s Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “By Spirit and by the Law, We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications to Primary-aged LDS children of so many gay marriages in the Beehive state. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “still very concerned grandparents reading Utah newspapers and watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, hold hands, and preform pretend marriages between children of all types and genders.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article’s text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss how Judge Shelby decided that “boys and girls should be treated fairly by everyone, even if a large number of people don’t see it that way.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, your really nice uncles or your super great aunts can have a nice big wedding too.”

Further reports indicate that children will be told to “make sure you write in your journal about this special recent Christmastime, about gift-giving, the Primary program, and the television coverage of so many happy people getting married.” To clarify other aspects of the marriages, the article will explain that children do not need to write in their journals about the “very cranky uncle who said that now gay people can be just as miserable as other married people.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, financial, and legal benefits of marriage equality with the majestic Great Salt Lake behind them.”  

THE MORMON TABERNACLE GUIDE TO CELEBRATING THE NEW YEAR

SEEKING AUTHENTICITY FOR LIVE NATIVITY, SPANISH BRANCH CASTS SISTER MISSIONARY AS VIRGIN MARY

HOUSTON, TX—During last Saturday’s Houston South Spanish Branch Christmas activity, Sister Heidi Conner, a missionary serving in the branch, was cast as the Virgin Mary for the nativity reenactment. “We just thought,” said Sister Tevez, wife of Branch President Tomás Tevez, “that a sister missionary would be the closest thing to Jesus’ pure and holy mother.”

Sister Conner, who very hesitantly accepted the role, said, “well, it was a little awkward, I mean especially since Brother Sandoval was Joseph.” Sister Conner continued, “I mean, my first thought was why not just have his wife, Sister Sandoval be Mary, but somehow that just didn’t fit what they had in mind.”

Several branch members reported that this year’s reenactment was “especially spiritual.” “I just thought it was perfect this year,” said Sister Alvarez, adding that “Mary was just so lovely and pure.” Another branch member reported that “it really gave you a sense of how difficult the whole thing must have been for Mary, I mean, you could just see all of the discomfort, pain, and awkwardness on Mary’s face. It was powerful.”

Only moments before the live nativity, Sister Conner and her companion, Sister Brooks had a short but rather intense discussion about the Branch’s request. Sister Brooks seemed less concerned about her companion’s interaction with the married Brother Sandoval and more concerned about why she was not chosen. The discussion only ended when President Tevez invited Sister Brooks to participate as “the loveliest, blondest, and most beautiful angel shepherds had ever seen.”

When the Mission President found out about the reenactment, he immediately sent an addendum to all missionary White Handbooks prohibiting “all participation in live nativity reenactments or even being in the room where one is going on.” When the local Stake President found out, his only comment was, “well, that is still better than the Sunday when the branch had several baptisms and so they ordered pizza delivered as refreshments; we’ll count this as progress.” 

RECENTLY DISCOVERED MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR ALBUM COVERS

Salt Lake City, Utah—It has recently come to the attention of the crack team at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that a vocal group named after this very news source has done a series of albums. This musical group, called the “Mormon Tabernacle Choir,” has created LDS alternatives to “worldly” music. Zion’s finest news source has found some of those albums hidden away in the attic of a lovely grandmother in Fairview, Utah.  The album covers are reproduced below.

We believe that more albums may be out there. If you (or your grandmother) has any of these priceless gems of musical goodness and moral uplift, please send your photos to us at motabenquirer at gmail dot com.  If you send large images, we will bring them to the attention of all of Zion!  

THE MTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD WRIST COACH

As magazines like the Ensign have in storage 50,000 Family Home Evening ideas and Cosmopolitan has in storage 50,000 tips to make your man go wild in bed, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has a storage of 50,000 Christmas gift ideas. We are more frugal with our tips, so here is this year’s one idea: the Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach. As you may have noticed, football quarterbacks have a special wristband with the team’s plays on it. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer shows you how to make the best Christmas gift that special Aaronic Priesthood holder in your life will ever get.  

You’re welcome, Zion.

Step 1: Go to a large store.  (The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer does not get any special funding from large stores that use predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture, so the sign here has been blurred.  But if a large store that uses predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture would like to sponsor or support Zion’s Finest News Source, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact us!)

Step 2: Purchase a Football Wrist Coach, and item that can be found in the sporting goods section.

Step 3: Make up a card with the Sacrament prayers on it to the size of the insert.  (Bonus points if you can make it from memory without having to look up the prayers.)

Step 4: Insert the card into the wristband.

Now your Aaronic Priesthood holder is ready, with his Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach, to bless the sacrament.

Bonus: Other important Aaronic (and Melchizedek!) Priesthood messages can also be conveyed with the Wrist Coach.

Happy Holidays from everyone at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer!

UNEXPECTED TEACHER ABSENCES ACROSS CHURCH CREATE DEEPENING PRIMARY REFUGEE CRISIS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—At a recent press conference, it was noted that a rising tide of unexpected teacher absences across the church is triggering an ever deepening crisis of Primary refugees. According to the Church’s High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, “every Sunday tens of thousands of children find themselves alone, disoriented, frightened, and spiritually malnourished when the adults they trust, their teachers, fail to deliver the weekly aid that they desperately need.”

The High Commissioner noted several shocking recent examples. “A few Sundays ago, in Madison, Wisconsin, several CTR 7s were left to forage for their own spiritual sustenance when neither of their teachers showed up,” explained the Commissioner. She went on, saying that “by the time we found them, frightened and huddled in a corner (and perhaps playing Minecraft on the tablet of one of the refugees), they seemed to have lost track entirely of why they had arrived at church in the first place.”

Fear about their future and a growing desperation (often masked by apathy, chit-chat, and Temple Run II) at ever getting their needs met has only exacerbated the refugee crisis.

The High Commissioner also noted that local leaders, often with resources stretched well beyond the breaking point, struggle to contain the flood of refugees. On this point the Commissioner noted that “a Primary President may try to find some parents to substitute or may try to see if other classes can absorb the sudden influx of spiritual asylum seekers. That sudden influx,” continued the Commissioner, “can jeopardize another community’s delicate social, cultural, and spiritual equilibrium, or worse, there may not be enough treats for everyone.”

 

The High Commissioner on Primary Refugees’ press conference has generated considerable conversation at all levels of the church. There are reports of efforts to give Primaries across the church better safeguards to prevent the spread of the crisis and resources to handle current problems. Unnamed sources suggest that fathers of Primary children may receive additional training “so that when a crisis presents itself, they can step in, meet the needs, and not just play hangman for 35 minutes.”

In contrast with the buzz generated by the High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, the Moderate Commissioner for Adult Sunday School Refugees has seen his single suggestion for stopping his problem roundly rejected. That suggestion was the formation of an adult foyer or lobby class to count as Sunday School for those (perhaps willingly) wandering adults.

LDS MEN, BOYS COMPETE TO APPEASE ANCIENT AMERICAN TURKEY GOD

Ancient American Turkey God attended by Ambulances

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Across the nation LDS men and boys will be meeting this week to engage in an annual ritual. That ritual is a ceremonial competition named for the ancient American god that it seeks to appease: the ward football game called the Turkey Bowl.

In a practice that has its roots in Cro-Magnon traditions, males both young and old battle to establish dominance and to appease the god. In this particular version, participants seek the great Turkey god’s favor by offering their time, energy, dignity, physical well-being, and usually several ACLs.

    

Anthropologists note that older males who participate are required to rest their bodies for an entire year before the competition. This is typically done by sitting for hours each day in office chairs. They are encouraged to watch competitions, but must do so from a couch and while gorging themselves on high calorie and low nutrient foodstuffs.

Younger males are allowed to lead active lives but are prepared in other ways. These ritual participants are trained with menial tasks like lawn mowing and merit badge acquisition. Such tasks then combine with “stories of glory” on the part of elders that encourage a sense of inferiority. The young also have imposed upon them strict religious law codes that prohibit alcohol, tobacco, and sexual expression. All of this preparation—menial tasks, stories of glory from elders, and strict law codes—fuels a resentment that finds its fullest expression in subsequent vicious quarterback sacks, punishing, blindsided tackles, and dangerously low blocks that render the propitiating pain that the Turkey god demands.

The competition often begins with the ceremonial division of teams and ritualistic verbal interactions known as “trash talking.” Such verbal interactions set unreasonable expectations and foster the hostility and resentment needed to permanently damage knees, ankles, and backs as well as destroy any residual dignity or sense of brotherhood. While one older man, one who may retain some wisdom gleaned from past rituals, may offer to stay aloof from the competition, acting as the ceremonial “permanent QB (or quarterback),” even this individual will inevitably ascend into the maelstrom once the ritual violence and anger take hold.

Women who find themselves attached to the men and boys that feel compelled to ritually appease the great Turkey god may express initial trepidation, but most often relent to the pre-historic and pre-conscious need that the menfolk express. As a precaution, many women will make an initial call to a local medicine man or 911 dispatcher, encouraging them to have several ambulances on the ready.

Cultural critics and anthropologist alike have questioned whether women would be allowed to participate in such rituals. Said one Texas woman who had recently returned from a painfully disappointing meeting in Salt Lake, “I don’t care if they would let me in or not, I ain’t knockin’ at that door!”  Speaking as well about female participation, one Florida woman said, “I would not want to intrude, since it is one of the few ways that men can get away with touching each other’s bodies.”  

REDSKIN’S OWNER DANIEL SNYDER PUSHES FOR NEW NFL TEAM: THE UTAH MULTIPLE WIFE IMPREGNATORS

WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Redskin’s owner Daniel Snyder recently told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that he would like to put a new National Football League team in Salt Lake City.  Following the city and state’s fine historical and cultural tradition, he would name them the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators.

“Sure, it doesn’t roll off of the tongue like Braves, Chiefs, or Indians,” acknowledged Snyder, “but over time it will seem just as natural as a Utah team called the Jazz or a Los Angeles team called the Lakers.” 

When asked about the cultural implications of such a name, Snyder said that “not only does this name acknowledge a fine Mormon heritage of raising up seed but I also like the intimidation factor.”  On this point Snyder elaborated, “I mean for over a hundred and fifty years Americans have been freaked out by this practice, so this will make them quake in their boots when my glaringly fundamentalist football monsters show up to battle the merely monogamous 49ers, Patriots, or Cowboys.”

Snyder did have one major concern that seems to still be holding him back. “I know what some people might say about this team, and especially its name, and I am not insensitive to those implications,” said Snyder. “I, like everyone else who knows about Mormon history, can see how Seattle might change their name, and everyone knows that the Utah Multiple Wife Impregnators would never want to defeat and destroy the Seattle Seagulls.”