AREA WOMAN CONCERNED ABOUT ANSWERS TO PRAYERS

ROCHESTER, NY—Jen Webster of the Rochester 3^rd Ward has become increasingly concerned about the answers she seems to be getting to her prayers.

Sister Webster first became concerned about this nearly two years ago.  At that point she was praying many times a day to know if it was a good time to add one more child to their family of four.  Jen reported that “one day, as I was praying about this, I felt a sudden peace and into my mind I saw, with utter clarity, a turnip.” She continued, “I searched the scriptures for some sort of symbolism or meaning, but I didn’t find anything.”  When she consulted her husband about it, the only insight he could offer was “maybe turnips are a pregnancy craving or maybe we both need to repent and ‘turn-up’ toward God.”  Sister Webster found neither suggestion insightful.

 

Odd answers to prayers did not stop with this one.  On another occasion, Jen thought out a problem, took her plan to the Lord, and then felt what she described as a very distinct “burning in the big toe.”  She elaborated that “this seemed to happen every time I thought about this problem.  One day I concluded that I should not follow through with my plan,” continued Webster, “since the burning was in my left big toe, and the Lord has told us to choose the right.”  Webster concluded that this was a reliable solution, until the next day, when the burning moved to the right big toe.

 

These have not been the only incidents of ambiguous answers to prayers.  When she asked the Lord for inspiration on her talk dealing with tithing, the only clear impression she received was the word “Finland.”  When she prayed about how she might help her 2^nd grade son who was struggling with reading, she had these words flash in her mind: “The value lies not within any particular thing, but in the desire placed on that thing.”  Commenting on that answer, Sister Webster said, “not only do I have no idea what that means, but that sounds like something out of a fortune cookie.”

When asked what she might do about this situation, Sister Webster said, “well, the obvious answer would be to pray about it, and, of course, when I did, the only answer I got was ‘Abraham Lincoln’.” 

ELEVEN THOUGHTS OF A 14 YEAR-OLD WITH ADD DURING A FIRST TRIP TO THE SACRED GROVE

ALTERNATIVE DIMENSIONS EXPERTS THEORIZE ROLE OF BRADY FAMILY HOME TEACHERS

Greg's Young Men's president 
would have sensed the evil 

PROVO, UT—This weekend saw the annual gathering of a group of renowned Mormon scientists and science fiction writers.  The group, called ParalleLDS, explores the possible roles that members of the church might have in alternative time dimensions.

Among this year’s presenters was Andy Roberts, who teaches at the State University of New York at Palmyra.  Dr. Roberts argued that “we can anticipate that an LDS Brady family, living in a very plausible alternative dimension, would have rejoiced as their faithful home teachers gave Marcia a blessing to miraculously heal her nose before that crucial dance.”  Roberts continued that “an inspired Young Men’s president surely would have called to warn Greg about the tiki idol.” 

Other presenters, like Dr. Janice Lawrence from the University of Southern Central Florida, postulated the impact of Mormonism in athletic events in other time dimensions. Dr. Lawrence established that the 1980 US men’s Olympic hockey team “would clearly have braved the baptismal waters of Lake Placid just before defeating the Russian team in order to truly bring to pass a miracle on ice and in the font.” She also established a credible alternate world in which “repentance created more virtuous football players at schools like the University of Miami and USC, players who would not place success on the field above spiritual success.”  As a result, explained Lawrence, “those programs would eschew so called ‘national titles’ in order to be truly, eternally successful, just as BYU’s football team has done in this dimension for almost 30 years!” 

One of the most talked about presentations came from Dr. Kristina Humphries who teaches physics and creative writing at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.  Dr. Humphries established a breakthrough theory about how the church has grown exponentially in one alternative world.  According to Humphries, “two sister missionaries traveling to an appointment near Los Angeles felt impressed to follow a particular SUV.  When the vehicle stopped in a Brentwood neighborhood, the sister’s followed an impression to knock on the door.”  Dr. Humphries then explained how these inspired sister missionaries “preached the gospel first to the people in the home, who lovingly repented and forsook their sins,” and then the sisters “addressed the cameras that had assembled so that God’s word (instead of the NBA) could be heard throughout the nation.”

Though most presentations were well received, others received considerable criticism. When a professor postulated a world in which Jon McNaughton could respectfully see the value of religious, cultural, and political pluralism, he was roundly criticized as proposing “something so wildly implausible and absurdly unthinkable” that “by its very nature may violate fundamental principles of the space-time continuum as well is bring ParalleLDS’s work into disrepute.”  McNaughton reportedly responded with a life-size painting of Jesus weeping at the sight of McNaughton's critics, many of whom happened to be reading articles from the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

SATAN WORKING ON SPIRIT-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

GAHENNA—Sources inside Satan’s Kingdom indicate that he may be trying to develop Spirit-cancelling headphones. Those sources report that Hell’s technology wing, Siren Systems, is working on headphones that will block the gentle whisperings of the Holy Ghost so that missionaries will not “stop at one last place,” home teachers will not “give that family a call,” and Relief Society teachers will not “rethink the centerpiece and handouts.” The same unnamed sources indicate that this will go a long way in preventing the sort of “spontaneous and inspired acts” that so often foil carefully laid demonic plans.

Reports outline how Siren Systems, an acronym meaning “Satanic Inspiration-Removal Electronic Nanotechnologies” is also developing noise-generating headphones that will serve the same function. Leaked emails (“e” not for “electronic” but for “evil”) describe the noise-generating headphones as “providing victims with a long list of things to do, past sins, present shortcomings, reasons why a spouse is evil, or vuvuzela trio concertos” that prevent people from hearing the still, small voice. The email explains that “the sounds of busyness can be just as useful as heavy metal music in keeping people from hearing God.”

Though the product has a number, the MTE-666, the name has not been finalized, though some want to call them “Beats by Dread.”

CHURCH UPDATES PAINTINGS FOR HISTORICAL ACCURACY

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has begun a process of updating some paintings to enhance historical accuracy.  The first such update is to a painting called Joseph’s Last Farewell.  A church spokesman commented that the updated version “gives a greater sense of the polygamous relationships Joseph had at the end of his life.”

THE FRIEND TO COVER RECENT SUPREME COURT RULING

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—According to reports, The Friend’s August 2013 issue will feature an article addressing the recent Supreme Court Ruling on DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.

The article, titled “We Are All Friends,” will explain the implications of the ruling for Primary-aged LDS children who may feel confused. Sources indicate that the cover picture will show “very concerned grandparents reading the newspaper or watching television,” while children in the foreground “smile, play, and hold hands, seemingly unaware of same-sex hand-holding taboos.”

Only a few unconfirmed details about the article's text have emerged. Reports indicate that the article will discuss the work of the Supreme Court saying that “some nice people who wear funny black shower curtains to work have been thinking about families.” It goes on to elaborate that “now, even if you have two daddies or two mommies, you are just as much their child and just as much a family.” 

Further reports indicate that children will be told that “having a mommy and a daddy is still just as nice, and now we can all feel like we belong.” To clarify other aspects of the ruling, including how divorced same-sex partners can now have custody rights, the article will explain that “kids with a different kind of parents will now, no matter what, get all of the blessings of having those people in their lives.”   

One illustration is said to show “a range of happy children playing together, obviously enjoying the spiritual, emotional, and financial benefits of marriage equality.”  

MTE INTERVIEW WITH TOM MOULD: POKING HIM WITH THE LONG POINTY STICK OF ZION’S FINEST QUESTIONS

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Zion’s Finest News Source, is glad to give you, our dear readers, the in-depth and groundbreaking interviews that answer the real questions.  We are pleased to post this interview which we recently conducted with Tom Mould, author of Still, the Small Voice: Narrative, Personal Revelation, and The Mormon Folk Tradition. Though other, frankly lesser publications, may attempt similar interviews (and don’t think that we don’t see you, Dialogue!), only the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is willing to really poke current people with the long pointy stick of Zion’s finest questions.  As with all MTE interviews, this was conducted at an undisclosed location and without the victim's interviewee’s knowledge or consent. Cus that’s how we roll. 

MTE: If you had to guess, what secret sins do you think kept Romney from becoming president?

Tom Mould: I don’t really know what you mean by this question.  I’m not sure if it was secret sins…

MTE: Give us your reasons why Harry Reid might secretly be a Muslim?

Tom Mould: Wait, what? I don’t think Harry Reid is a Muslim.

MTE: Do you think that it is just a coincidence that after the Book of Mormon came forth, people starting using “moron” as an insult?

Tom Mould: Um, I really doubt that there is a connection, and please stop following me around this grocery store.

MTE: You study Mormonism, so of course you watched General Conference.  So, podium question: who wore the suit best: Andersen or Nielson?

Tom Mould: You know I’m an anthropologist, right? 

MTE: One more General Conference question: whose tie would you predict will be the real trend-setter as summer starts to heat up?

Tom Mould: Do I even know you?

MTE: Okay, so now let’s talk about your book: There are rumors that the movie rights are being shopped around Hollywood and Vernal.  If you could pick the actor that you want to play the lead, who would it be?

Tom Mould: Did you even read my book? 

MTE: One thing our readers noticed was how skillfully you handled the hot and steamy sex scenes by not including any.  Is this because you are saving them for your next book, or is it because you don’t feel that you are a good enough writer to incorporate vampires?

Tom Mould: Did you even look at the cover?

MTE: Do you feel like the last name Mould has ever held you back?  How about Tom?

Tom Mould: I didn’t until now. Wait, you’re not recording this, are you?

CONFESSIONS OF A DESIGNATED IN-BETWEEN DATE

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—My name is Brandon Welch, I’m 17, almost 18, and it seems like I’ve become the designated In-Between date. If you don’t know what that is, the designated In-Between date is a boy that takes out girls between the dates that they really want to go on. Last Saturday it was Bella Norton, who only went out with me because her parents make her go out with someone different every 3 dates. And, like the safe person that doesn’t drink so he can drive, I’m the designated, safe, In-Between date.

On the outside this seems like a pretty good gig. I get to go out with lots of girls. Sometimes I don’t even have to ask them. They will just come up to me, like when Sandy Koch asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She needed a designated In-Betweener so she could go to prom in three weeks with Alan Stevens. Sandy and Alan had already seen the movie, or, let me restate that, they had been in the dark room where the movie was playing. Sure, as the designated In-Between date I didn’t have to ask her out, but it turned out that she actually wanted to see the movie now that it was me and not Alan next to her. Bummer.

All of the girls I go out with would much rather be with someone else. Julie Thompson spent the whole time at Putt-Putt talking about Jeffrey Horner, all of the things that they had done together and what a great missionary he will be. I’m not sure that she understands some of the church’s rules or what makes a great missionary. And it seemed like a good idea when she said that she wanted to “try some things out on me,” but it wasn’t as much fun when she started whispering Jeffrey’s name. And I don’t even want to know what was up with that nickname!

Sometimes being the designated In-Between date can be okay. I get the inside scoop on lots of relationships, and I have learned a lot about how girls think. It isn’t all misery in the permanent friend zone. But I’m not sure that this is keeping kids from getting serious. Sometimes the girls just have me pick them up and then drop them off at some party, only to have me pick them up later.  I know that Bella is still upset about her family’s dating rule, and she said that half the reason she still sees Logan Price is because her parents don’t like him. She might have dumped him by now, but, let me tell you, it won’t be for the designated In-Betweener. 

FOUND IN FORTY-FIVE YEAR-OLD MAN'S JOURNAL FROM THE 80'S

LDS CHURCH HAS NO COMMENT ON REPORTED PORNOGRAPHY ERASING SPYWARE

TYLER, TX—Edward (name changed) had mixed feelings after he started his computer late Tuesday evening.  The college junior, at home for the summer from Texas A&M University, found himself again bored and lonely, but when he looked for soothing in his sinful habit, he found that his files of pornography had been erased.

“I was upset at first, and then worried,” said Edward. He continued, “I was worried that my mom had found them and erased them, but then I realized that she doesn’t have the password and that the computer had not been turned on.” What had actually happened was some spyware Edward had inadvertently loaded had erased his files.

Mark Summers from McAfee, a prominent spyware detection and removal company, said that “we started to get reports (like Edward’s) in April. It was mostly men and they were all Mormon saying that their porn was gone. Some were panicked, while others seemed mystified and even relieved.”

McAfee has pinpointed the pornography erasing software as a spyware program called Nrop.  “Frankly,” said Summers, “it is just the sort of sophisticated, clever, and virtuous programs that we would expect, the source seems to be Orem, Utah, and the rather corny name refers to how it reverses porn.”  Added Summers, “Mormon programers tend to be bright but goofy in their program naming practices.”

The program was apparently covertly bundled with any downloaded files from the General Conference Priesthood session and with downloads of For the Strength of Youth and Preach my Gospel. The program not only blocks incoming pornographic images or texts, but it targets existing computer files. What happened to Edward seems to be typical. Edward explained that “the program found my folders like the one labeled 'Hot Eskimo Sorority Girls' and erased it completely.  I was pretty upset initially, but then I was glad that it had all been erased. Sort of.”

No one from Church headquarters would comment on the Nrop spyware, though an official who could not be named said that “the Lord and BYU’s Computer Science Department work in mysterious ways.”

HEALTH INSPECTOR CLOSES SACRAMENT PREPARATION ROOM

VALDOSTA, GA—Lowndes County health inspectors, doing a routine check of an LDS church, closed the building’s small sacrament preparation room because of a number of health code violations.  Said county inspect David Harris, “it was really pretty filthy in there.  I mean, I’m sure that the members of that congregation have faith and everything, but you would need a lot of God power to not get sick from anything that came out of that place.”

Health inspectors found moldy bread as well as small plastic cups with traces of mildew.  “What also stood out,” remarked Harris, “were the metal trays. Let me just say; I served two tours in Iraq, and what I saw in those trays will haunt my nightmares forever.” 

When asked to comment on the situation as a whole, Harris noted that “unsupervised fourteen year-old boys in charge of food storage, preparation, and clean up could be a policy that the Mormons might want to revisit.”  

ARCHEOLOGY GRAD STUDENT RECONSTRUCTS 20 YEARS OF SACRAMENT MEETINGS BASED ON EVIDENCE GATHERED WHILE CLEANING ONE PEW

PROVIDENCE, RI—Graduate student Helen Moore recently reconstructed 20 years of sacrament meetings from the evidence she collected while cleaning one pew in a local chapel.  Moore, a student at Brown University’s Joukowsky Institute for Archaeology & the Ancient World, said that “once you see what is really going on with the pew, the micro particles in the fabric cushions, debris caught between cushions and seatbacks, and artifacts near the base, cleaning the chapel becomes an act of historical and cultural discovery.”

Moore did not anticipate such an archaeological trove when she showed up with her Ipod on Saturday morning. She did not want to mop the bathrooms again, and washing the windows with four primary children running around “seemed like a hopelessly Sisyphean endeavor,” reported Moore.  When Moore began cleaning the 3^rd pew from the front “just as something new to do,” she was shocked at what she found. 

“I knew that there would be food particles,” explained Moore, “but the variety of midden was truly amazing.” Moore reported that “to the untrained eye the stratigraphic layers of archaeological material can be hard to distinguish, but (in and around this pew) they were remarkably clear and consistent.”  Moore further elaborated on how “beyond the ground up Cheerios found at all layers of my investigation, it was at lower ones that I found cereals that have long since become extinct, including Cap'n Crunch’s Choco Crunch, Smurf Berry Crunch, and even Dino Pebbles.”  It was the discovery of Berry Berry Kix, a discontinued cereal introduced in CE1992 that pushed Moore to dig deeper. “At first I had no idea what I was looking at,” stated Moore.  Moore continued, “among the goldfish cracker fragments I saw colorful nutritive particles that I could not identify, but once I got them back to the lab and ran a phytolithic analysis, sure enough, it was the rare General Mills cereal at exactly the level one would expect.”

Moore made several other key discoveries that helped her recreate nearly two decades of religious and cultural rituals at the site. “Some key artifacts really made it easier to fit all of the pieces together,” said Moore. When asked about those artifacts, Moore mentioned a piece of a sacrament program outlining the now discontinued practice of a “Missionary Farewell,” a stylus trapped in a pew cushion from an old PDA (Personal Digital Assistant) circa CE2003, and a scrap of paper from the “Daily Tasks” portion of a Franklin planner page. Said Moore, “like so many other archaeological sites, this one was a rich source of primary evidence resulting from both historical accidents and lapses in ancient and contemporary cleaning protocols.”