GAHENNA—Sources inside Satan’s Kingdom indicate that he may
be trying to develop Spirit-cancelling headphones. Those sources report that Hell’s technology
wing, Siren Systems, is working on headphones that will block the gentle
whisperings of the Holy Ghost so that missionaries will not “stop at one last
place,” home teachers will not “give that family a call,” and Relief Society
teachers will not “rethink the centerpiece and handouts.” The same unnamed sources indicate that this
will go a long way in preventing the sort of “spontaneous and inspired acts”
that so often foil carefully laid demonic plans.
Reports outline how Siren Systems, an acronym meaning “Satanic
Inspiration-Removal Electronic Nanotechnologies” is also developing
noise-generating headphones that will serve the same function. Leaked emails (“e” not for “electronic” but
for “evil”) describe the noise-generating headphones as “providing victims with
a long list of things to do, past sins, present shortcomings, reasons why a
spouse is evil, or vuvuzela trio concertos” that prevent people from hearing the still, small voice. The email explains that “the sounds of busyness can be just as useful as heavy metal music
in keeping people from hearing God.”
Though the product has a number, the MTE-666, the name has not been
finalized, though some want to call them “Beats by Dread.”
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