MEMBERS NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR GENERATING MEETINGHOUSE POWER

Heston Shows Option For Wards Near Water

By Christopher Bigelow

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--With the success of the member meetinghouse cleaning program, the LDS Church today announced a new program requiring members to physically generate the electricity for their meetinghouses.

”The ward cleaning program has taught members to take more responsibility and put more real effort into the Lord’s kingdom,” said church spokesman Trevor Curtis. “Not to mention all the money the church is saving on professional custodians. Now we’re expanding the spirit of this success by taking all church meetinghouses off the power grid effective January 1, 2013.”

In church buildings throughout North America, workers today began repurposing classrooms into places where members can ride stationary bicycles and treadmills to generate electricity, which will be stored in an onsite battery.

”In our ward, we’ve already identified the members who, um, need to be called as power generators,” said Bishop Keith Sutherland of Lehi, Utah. “If you drink too much eggnog this holiday season, you might just get a power calling come spring.”

Each power generator must contribute 10 hours of exercise a week, but they can set their own schedule. In the event a meetinghouse battery does not contain enough power for Sunday meetings, the Aaronic priesthood can be put to work on an emergency basis.

An LDS Church R&D team is currently developing a perpetual-motion generator to harness the energy of children who run around inside the building or on church grounds. Another R&D project involves capturing methane emissions in nursery, deacon, and high-priest classrooms. A theological committee at church headquarters is looking into the spiritual feasibility of assigning misbehaving members to pedal or walk away their sins.

When asked about rumors of experiments with members generating electricity through faith, fasting, and/or the power of the priesthood, spokesman Trevor Curtis declined to comment, except to state, “Let’s just say that the higher a ward’s percentage of home and visiting teaching is, the brighter their lights will be and the warmer their air.”

NEW EVIDENCE OF SANTA’S SECRET BAPTISM

MISSIONARY TRAINING CENTER, PROVO, UT—New evidence coming out of the church’s Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah gives greater credence to the long-suspected belief that Santa Claus was secretly baptized.  The evidence points toward the early to mid-90’s as the time frame for when St. Nicolas joined the Church. 

Elder Garret Handley, from Las Vegas, Nevada, and his companion, Elder David Smith, from Muncie, Indiana, corroborated that they heard from four other elders over lunch that “two missionaries in the way north of Canada, who tract on snow mobiles” met and taught Father Christmas.  According to Handley and Smith, when they expressed doubts about the claim, one of the elders said that one of the baptizing missionaries was his cousin’s roommate during his freshman year at BYU.

In addition to Handley and Smith, other missionaries also affirmed Sinterklaas’s clandestine church membership.   Elder Trevor Holmes, from Dayton, Ohio, stated for the record that “Santa saw how nice and happy the Mormons were and just knew that they had something special.” Elder Holmes further elaborated that giving up the pipe “was really no problem for Santa, but Mrs. Claus had lots of doubts and didn’t want to stop drinking tea.”  Elder Holmes then added, “oh, and she was worried about what her family in Florida would say.”

When asked about the sources for these claims, most missionaries cited other missionaries or friends who had recently been at the Missionary Training Center.  The other most often cited source were seminary teachers, who usually mentioned Santa’s secret baptism during lessons on other unacknowledged baptisms of people like Lionel Richie, Steve Martin, Travis Barker, Mike Weir, Elvis, Albus Dumbledore, and, most recently, Taylor Swift. Most of these seminary lessons seemed to include a component about how Bigfoot is Cain, a claim that is also universally affirmed at the MTC.  

CHURCH TESTING NEW WEBSITE FOR CELESTIAL POLYGAMOUS MARRIAGES

SALT LAKE CITY, UT.—Reports out of Salt Lake City indicate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints may be testing a new website where members can now arrange their polygamous marriages in the celestial kingdom.  The pilot site, called EEEternal CompanionSSS, allows members to “call and elect” spouses to be sealed to them during the Millennium.

Blaine Carls Carlsen, who said that his Vernal ward was invited to participate in the pilot, reported that arranging a “goodly stock of sister wives” was a simple as tagging their pictures.  He did note that “some of the pictures weren’t that great, so some of the women added notes like ‘wait til you see me after the resurrection’.”  Brother Carlsen said that he wasn’t sure if he had that kind of faith.

Beta testing was delayed as developers tried to select an appropriate slogan.  One source, who could not give his name, claimed that “it really came down to two choices—‘Pick Well, for there will be planets to populate’ and ‘If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear (getting stuck with fatties or feminists)’.”

For all of the work, general release of the site faces serious delays and challenges.  “We’ve had many unexpected problems,” reports another unnamed source.

He continued, “it seems like things got out of hand in a test ward outside of Denver.  We noticed irregularities when an unknown user uploaded pictures of the ward’s Nursery leader, Relief Society Secretary, and Miamaid class president, immediately tagged all three, and then suddenly we got a call about some unusual disciplinary councils involving their husbands or boyfriends.”

The unnamed source concluded by saying, “well, now we know how Joseph felt,” adding, “but at least he didn’t have the internet to deal with!”

Developers admit that some of the problems should have been anticipated.  “We really should have seen that one coming,” reported an unnamed developer when asked about the Portland ward where the Bishop’s wife had untagged herself from her husband, and instead tagged a less active younger man, his brother, his cousin, and his cousin’s wife.

“We were not sure she understood it,” he remarked, “but after looking into the case, it is clear that she did.”  

MIXED MARTIAL ARTS PRO USES SACRAMENT MEETING FOR INSPIRATION

TACOMA, WA—Jeremy “Meat Locker” Lasater, winner of three Ultimate Fighting Championship titles, revealed earlier this week that much of his inspiration comes from LDS Sacrament meetings.  Though Lasater is not himself a Mormon, about six years ago, when he was dating Mormon MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) professional Brenda “Death Match” Simpson, she persuaded Lasater to attend one Sunday.  Lasater reported, “that Sunday changed my life and my career.”  When asked to elaborate, Lasater said, “I saw a 3 year-old girl use moves on her 8 year-old brother that I hadn’t even seen in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.  It was amazing.”

Though Lasater’s relationship with Simpson ended in 2007, he has continued to attend LDS Sunday meetings regularly.  Lasater attributes much of his success over those years to the inspiration found there.  “In 2009,” Lasater stated, “at the World Extreme Cagefight, the ‘ground-and-pound’ move that I used was something I had seen the previous Sunday at a ward in Billings, Montana.  [There is] nothing like a Valiant 8 finally losing it on a twin brother—I mean BAM—head-to-pew-to-floor and OVER!  Wow, it gets me excited just thinking about it.” 

Lasater’s attendance at LDS sacrament meetings has obviously caught the attention of many missionaries.  He admits that he felt drawn to many of the pictures in earlier editions of the Book of Mormon, but has not felt a need to formally join.  When asked about being baptized, Lasater stated that “I know how much the church means to its members, and if I could always work in the Nursery, I mean, YES, what a training ground, but from my point of view, the best things that people like Rulon Gardner and Vai Sikahema got from being Mormon are techniques and toughness.  I’m not sure I need to be baptized to get that.”

When asked about professional wrestling, Lasater admits the draw.  He explained, “I have thought long and hard about professional wrestling.  I’m not into the costumes, glitz, and the acting, but I have seen a Sunbeam do things with a hymnbook that I would LOVE to try out on another human being.”    

CANADIAN HOCKEY DROUGHT LINKED TO LACK OF TITHES

Unidentified LDS Apostle,
maybe Cook or Hales,
Receiving NHL Revelation 

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Reports from various Canadian saints indicate an increasing number of apostles linking the National Hockey League lockout with lowering levels of tithing and donations.  Jonathan and Barbara Dime from Vancouver noted that in a recent stake conference, Elder Bednar said that “we will not see the strength of the Lord in the faceoff that is mortality unless we are true and faithful, including in our tithes and offerings.”

Other saints reported similar messages in many parts of True North Strong and Free.  Mike Turley from Alberta, Ontario said that Elder Packer had warned the saints there that “the windows of heaven have been closed because you have not filled the Lord’s storehouse.  So long as those windows are closed nothing is falling to the ice, neither pucks nor skates, gloves nor sticks, blood nor teeth, until you do as God has commanded.” 

The voice of warning has also been sounded by Elder Holland, who reportedly told saints in Montreal that “we don’t want to linger in the penalty box of sin or allow a Satanic powerplay to thwart our efforts to score points for the Lord.” 

In spite of the many reports of apostolic warnings in the Great White North, there seems to be no proof for the rumor that the effort to harmonize and “smooth over” spiritual pits, streaks, and deficiencies has been labeled “Project Zamboni.”  When asked if saints in the Lower 48 were also being punished, anonymous sources at church headquarters reported that in the United States “hockey only counts in the Olympics.”

RECOVERING PORN ADDICT ALMOST DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH SO MUCH FREE TIME

David Winters now feels like
Robert Young from Father Knows Best

KEMP, TX—David Winters, recovering pornography addict, reported this week that he almost doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time.  Winters said that “last Saturday, in the time that I would have been ‘at the office getting things done,’ my old lie to cover a porn binge, I reorganized the garage, overseeded the lawn, took my three children to play laser tag, and whipped up a lobster bisque with homemade sourdough rolls for dinner.  I cannot believe how much free time I have now.”

According to Winters, that sort of productivity has been more or less typical of the 9 months he has spent actively recovering from his pornography addiction, a recovery facilitated with therapy, study, prayer, and participation in the church’s Addiction Recovery Program.

“I feel bad,” commented Winters, “for those that are just starting out.  They still have that tired, empty, and frightened look that I had when I was still spending hours looking for cheap thrills in videos of naked dental hygienists.”   

Winters’ newfound free time has also allowed him to pursue old pastimes.  He reported that he recently finished all of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky’s major writings in the original Russian.  On this topic, Winters explained, “yah, I hadn’t really used my Russian since my mission (to Moscow), but I still spent less time on Crime and Punishment then I would have spent on the internet looking for pictures of sexy Bolivian postal workers.”  Winters added, “I think I’ll read Chekov and Akhmatova next.”

Besides the free time, Winters has also found a number of other unexpected benefits.  “I sleep a lot better when I travel, now that I’m not mindlessly captivated by porn-after-porn through the hotel cable that was so engrossing that I would not even realize I had watched it all night until the phone would ring with the wakeup call.”

Winters further stated that “now that I’m not involved with porn, it is much easier to not ‘American Beauty’ all of the teenage girls at my son’s church basketball games.  Now that I say that, I cannot believe how creepy that is.”

Things have also started to change for Winters and his wife Jess.  “Of course this has been really difficult for her, but, last week we did something really sexy—we held hands and went for a walk.  That may not sound like much, but with porn out of the way, it was great.  In the past, it would have taken me hours of looking at naughty French lunch ladies to get me nearly as excited.”

“Just the other day,” Winters noted, “I had that old knee-jerk paranoia when my wife happened upon my browser history.  It was great to not worry, but she did get excited when she realized that I had spent 15 hours over 9 days finally reading all of the entries in the family blog that she writes.”

Looking contented with his freedom and spare time, Winters concluded, “d***, with all this free time, I could even go home teaching!”

DENVER 7TH WARD PILOTS YOUNG MEN IN MEDIOCRITY

Logo for the new Church progam

DENVER, CO—Seeking to realistically highlight LDS adolescent male accomplishments, the Denver 7^th Ward held its first Young Men in Mediocrity celebration.  Ward Young Men president Calvin York was reportedly pleased by both the turnout and the response to this pilot.  York reported that “we had at least 35% of the young men there, and a lot of them hardly texted at all during the program.”

Bishop Collins was also pleased with the results.  “The young men didn’t really react, but I’m sure that they were excited,” said Collins, “when we explained how time-wasting and mind-numbing video games would become part of the Church’s new Call of Duty to God: White Ops program.”  Collins explained that “Xbox pretty much drains them of any ambition or genuine sense of adventure, but at least this way we recognize the mediocrity and channel some of it back to the gospel.”

Measuring the reaction of the young men has proven a more difficult task, as most showed little variation from the accustomed grunting and glassy-eyed stares.  The only slight alteration came with the refreshments that capped off the event.  The priest quorum had been in charge of those refreshments, but apparently “Brandon forgot to bring the Oreos.”  Sandy Collins, wife of Bishop Collins, provided flat soda for the young men, soda that was reportedly rather lukewarm, which is to say neither hot nor cold, and which many found so distasteful that they spewed it out.  

HEARST CORPORATION PURCHASES STRUGGLING BYU STUDIES

Hearst Corporation's BYU Studies Makeover

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK—Bernie Sokoloff, spokesperson for the Hearst Corporation, announced Friday the purchase of the financially troubled BYU Studies scholarly journal.  “Here at Hearst, we see great potential in BYU Studies,” said Sokoloff, “and with resources from our other holdings, we can make BYU Studies the Mormon moment equivalent of our fabulous O, The Oprah Magazine.” 

When asked to elaborate on how Hearst might use its publications to improve BYU Studies, Sokoloff explained that “we are already working with Mormon historians on a Cosmo-inspired article with 30 sex tips from Brigham Young’s wives, with the initial title, ‘How to Drive your Man Wild as if you were Competing with 12 Other Women!’” 

Sokoloff further elaborated that the LDS emphasis on the materiality of resurrected bodies “overlaps nicely with key magazine themes.”  To illustrate this point, Sokoloff cited the forthcoming BYU Studies article “Why Wait for the Resurrection to have the Thighs You Deserve.”  Additional history, health, and beauty articles will explore Mary Fielding Smith’s advice on how to get “sexy, rock-hard abs” (push a handcart for 1,300 miles).  Editors from Seventeen will also be brought in to offer “Tips on Keeping Your Hair Cute while doing Baptisms for the Dead” and “25 Fun and Flirty Outfits for this Season’s Cache Valley Family Funerals.”

Publishing industry experts see Hearst’s move as important for its long-range plans.  According to Danielle Miller from industry consultants Magazine Vistas, “Hearst sees this as a strategic purchase that is pivotal in their attempt to gain a larger market share if in fact the Mormon moment becomes a Mormon month or even, heaven forbid, a Mormon millennium.”  Other publishing firms have made similar moves, including Condé Nast Publications recent acquisition of Dialogue – A Journal of Mormon Thought, which it plans on merging with other holdings The New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Self, and Brides, as well as emerging giant Halliburton-Rove Corporation's recent purchase of Sunstone and attempted hostile takeover of The Friend.  

BLESSING IRREGULARITIES LEAD TO RELEASE OF AREA STAKE PATRIARCH

Brother Heberson's map of the Twelve Tribes

TUCSON, AZ—Stake patriarch Wendell Heberson was released last Sunday after what sources claim were irregularities in some of the Patriarchal blessings he had given.  One source close to the Tucson 9^th Stake leadership said that there had been concerns for some time about Heberson’s blessings. 

“It stated at least two years ago,” reported the source, “when Heberson’s unusually short blessing told a young man that he ‘was not among the valiant in God’s premortal army’ and that ‘mortality’s trials will take you far beyond your ability to withstand’.” 

That same source noted that the blessing promised that the young man would “arise well after lunch during Resurrection week” but would “nevertheless inherit his mansion in the Terrestrial Kingdom.”

This was not the only irregularity that came to the local leadership’s attention.  Approximately nine months ago Heberson had told three young men and one young woman that they would be “one of the two to preach repentance in Jerusalem” where “CNN would show, broadcasting through satellite dishes on housetops all over the world, their bodies in the streets until they resurrected, thereby bringing to an end to the ‘Ding Dong the Mormons Are Dead’ global wickedness party.” 

Heberson also promised all of them that their companion would be “a true and faithful servant, of goodly parents, large in stature, and known on the records of the church as one ‘Steve’.”

“At first,” explained another unnamed source, “we just thought that it was cool that so many people were from the tribes of Gad, Dan, and Naphtali, but once he started telling some that they were of the tribes of Ishtar and Zorro, we knew something was not right.”

A third source reported that what finally pushed stake leaders to act without delay was a blessing that promised one young woman that she would “one day, with authority and great glory, clear that den of thieves that is the Tucson 19^th Ward’s High Priest group, a group with which I, the Lord God, am not well pleased” 

POINT: WE JUST MET THE NICEST OLD LADY / COUNTERPOINT: THOSE NICE, CLEAN-CUT MORMON BOYS ARE ALL GOING TO HELL

POINT: WE JUST MET THE NICEST OLD LADY 
By Elder David Richmond, Missionary in the Alabama Birmingham Mission

Elder Richmond

The way that we met her was that we were out tracting. We had only been out since 8:30 this morning and it was close to 11:00. We were doing our “quiet tracting time,” which I guess they do in this mission but I had not heard about it when I was at the MTC. Quiet tracting time is when both missionaries ponder their blessings and try to listen to the Spirit instead of talking. Elder Davis says that this approach seems perfect for me. He says that sometimes talking makes it hard to hear the whisperings of the Spirit. I'm glad to have such a great companion like Elder Davis.

So, anyways we were doing quiet tracting when we saw Bernice working in her flowers on the side of her house. She seemed surprised to see us, but then she had the biggest smile for us. We told her who we were, and that also seemed to surprise her, but she was just so nice. She asked us if we wanted some sweet tea, but I explained that we don’t drink hot drinks because of the Word of Wisdom. She said that she could make iced tea, but I told her that God didn’t want people drinking that either. She didn’t seem to know about the Lord’s law of health, which we know that all of the prophets have kept strictly since Adam, so I explained it to her. I’m still new here on my mission, but my companion lets me just follow the Spirit and explain whatever I feel people need to hear.

So after that she told us that she was really busy today, but that if we wanted to stop by any time that that would be fine. When I brought up maybe coming over tomorrow, she said that she might be busy then. It seems like she does a lot of stuff, because most of the other times didn’t seem to work either. When my companion said that we would just see her next time we were in the area, she smiled and said that that would be great. I guess Elder Davis just knows how the Spirit will help us know when she is free to hear the gospel. In my heart I could tell that she is ready for the gospel, so I'm sure that she will be there tomorrow. She is just so nice that I’m sure that once she gets a chance to read the Book of Mormon that she will just love it.

---

COUNTERPOINT: THOSE NICE, CLEAN-CUT MORMON BOYS ARE ALL GOING TO HELL

By Bernice Ross

Bernice Ross Trying to Not
Imagine Magic Underwear

Those Mormon boys dropped by my house today.  I was tidying up the yard, since I knew that the “Lawn of the Month” judges like to look around after breakfast at the Cracker Barrel, when they snuck up on me.  They didn’t make a sound, and if I had heard them I would have just gone into the house until they left.  They are such nice boys, with their nice dark suits and their big smiles, and it is a pity that they don’t believe in the real Jesus and will burn in hell forever.

One of the boys did all of the talking.  He was Elder Richmond, and the other was Elder Davis.  It was a rather warm day, but when I asked them if they wanted some sweet tea, Elder Richmond said something about tannic acid, only eating pot roast in winter, and running and not getting worried. He really had a lot to say about tea. Well, when he was done, the boy that he was with asked if I wanted to hear a message about Jesus. Of course, I thought to myself that if I wanted to hear a message about Jesus I would get one from Pastor Bob. And it was a good thing that Pastor Bob had told us that the Mormons were in town, so that I knew that they have a different Jesus in their gold Bible. And I know that it isn't ladylike, but I have to say that I did wonder what their magical underwear looks like.

They did seem nice enough, and offered to come by and help if I ever needed anything. It is nice to see such friendly and well-mannered young men, but it is too bad that they will spend eternity in the fiery pit of God's unquenchable fire, bless their hearts.

OCTOBER 2012 GENERAL CONFERENCE CRAWL

The watchers of the Church's Esperanto translation stream during last weekend's General Conference received an unexpected treat as headlines scrolled across the bottom of the screen providing further insights into the current state of the Church. Some of them were recorded by Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer correspondent Barley B. Bratt:

• Parking causes over 70% of conference goers to lose Spirit.
• Buenos Aires, Argentina; Orlando, Florida; Escondido, California; Chicago, Illinois; Chattanooga, Tennessee; and Tooele, Utah all submit proposals to host the April 2013 General Conference.
• It's 1 a.m. Do you know where your 18-year-old is? HE'S ON A MISSION!
• 15 almost interchangeable, white, elderly men revel in Church diversity.
• "Proclamation on Caffeine" soon to be available as frameable print. 
• Warning: if your 18-month-old child is being abnormally quiet and hiding behind the loveseat, expect imminent foul odors.
• Church considering selling Utah "to either the U.S. or maybe Mexico."
• Elder Jacob T. Phillips, currently serving in the Chile Santiago West Mission, had several impure thoughts last Tuesday and Wednesday morning.
• Deseret Book prods BYU professor to revise doctrinal book into "an inspirational doormat, or a T-shirt, maybe."
• Sudden intrusion by homeless man interrupts otherwise excellent Gospel Doctrine lesson on King Benjamin's sermon.
• Temples also to be built in Bacon, Texas; Big Ugly, West Virginia; and Satan's Kingdom, Utah.
• Several apostles shift nervously when speaker testifies that Book of Mormon is “just as historically verifiable as the woman caught in adultery and Jonah and the Whale.”
• Mobile, Alabama saint runs, becomes weary, walks, faints, loses temple recommend.
• Bonneville communications finds buyer for its 34% share (worth an estimated $12.4 million)  in the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer.

WHAT SENSITIVE CHURCH DOCUMENTS IS WIKILEAKS RELEASING?