Monday, December 24, 2012


Heston Shows Option For Wards Near Water
By Christopher Bigelow

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--With the success of the member meetinghouse cleaning program, the LDS Church today announced a new program requiring members to physically generate the electricity for their meetinghouses.

”The ward cleaning program has taught members to take more responsibility and put more real effort into the Lord’s kingdom,” said church spokesman Trevor Curtis. “Not to mention all the money the church is saving on professional custodians. Now we’re expanding the spirit of this success by taking all church meetinghouses off the power grid effective January 1, 2013.”

In church buildings throughout North America, workers today began repurposing classrooms into places where members can ride stationary bicycles and treadmills to generate electricity, which will be stored in an onsite battery.

”In our ward, we’ve already identified the members who, um, need to be called as power generators,” said Bishop Keith Sutherland of Lehi, Utah. “If you drink too much eggnog this holiday season, you might just get a power calling come spring.”

Each power generator must contribute 10 hours of exercise a week, but they can set their own schedule. In the event a meetinghouse battery does not contain enough power for Sunday meetings, the Aaronic priesthood can be put to work on an emergency basis.

An LDS Church R&D team is currently developing a perpetual-motion generator to harness the energy of children who run around inside the building or on church grounds. Another R&D project involves capturing methane emissions in nursery, deacon, and high-priest classrooms. A theological committee at church headquarters is looking into the spiritual feasibility of assigning misbehaving members to pedal or walk away their sins.

When asked about rumors of experiments with members generating electricity through faith, fasting, and/or the power of the priesthood, spokesman Trevor Curtis declined to comment, except to state, “Let’s just say that the higher a ward’s percentage of home and visiting teaching is, the brighter their lights will be and the warmer their air.”

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