MORMON DEMOCRATS AT DNC BASK IN WARM GLOW OF WHITE GUILT

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sitting in Time Warner Cable Arena, tears well up in Brenda Jensen’s eyes, as she watches Barack Obama speak and basks in the comforting glow of her white guilt.  Jensen (41) sees her attendance at the Democratic National Convention as an important step for Mormons everywhere.  “I live in Portland, Maine now,” said Jensen, “but I have always tried to set the example for other Mormons by loving all minorities and disadvantaged peoples. I was glad that in high school in Logan back in the eighties that we elected the only Mexican in our school to student council.  Even then I was overturning the past and building bridges.”

Jensen met with other like-minded Mormon liberals who found solace and purpose in the convention.  Colin Mason (24) from Beaverton, Oregon felt it was important to be there to “show the world that there are Mormons like me who would fully embrace black lesbian home teachers in wheel chairs if I needed a priesthood blessing or something.”  Mason added that the convention had renewed his hope that “one day, we will all sit together at one big sacrament table and everyone will bless and pass the gluten-free, organic bread, the pure spring water, and the hummus just like God intends us to do.”

A third conference attendee, Richard Morrison (31) from Chapel Hill, NC, also found the convention invigorating.  “I am sure others liked President Obama speech,” commented Morrison, “because of his message, but being a Mormon, it had special resonance for me.”  When asked to explain, Morrison continued, “Well, others just heard a good speech, but I could hear with Obama the prophetic words of King Benjamin about social justice and Joseph Smith’s proclamation of the coming united order.  Oh, I am so excited that I almost leapt out of my Birkenstocks and dropped my new MacBook Pro.”

MITT ROMNEY CALLED ON MISSION

By Barley B. Bratt

TAMPA, FL—Just days after being officially named as the Republican Party’s presidential candidate, Mitt Romney has been called to serve in the British Isles mission. According to reports, the call was made on Sunday during sacrament meeting at the Tampa Fourth Ward, where Romney was visiting. 

“You don’t see that kind of thing much these days,” mused Jacob Richards (68), a high priest in the ward. “We knew Romney was coming, what with all the Secret Service crawling around the bathrooms and everything, but when L. Tom Perry showed up, we were really surprised.”

“Elder Perry was talking about using the weak things of the world to spread the gospel,” remembers Brother Richards’ wife, Dorine (65), “and then he paused for a real long time and said that he felt inspired to call some priesthood brothers on missions at that very instant. We all thought that he’d call brother Lyman, since he’s so spiritual and retired—and Brother Dewey and Sister Dewey haven’t really been getting along, so I can see how the Lord might want him in the Sandwich Islands—but Mitt Romney was really a surprise.”

Romney’s staffers have scrambled to control any damage that the call might cause to Mitt’s bid for the presidency. One staffer, who did not want to be named, indicated that Romney himself seemed to be looking at a number of options, including reportedly “asking one of his sons to keep an eye on the country while he goes to serve the Lord.” Another staffer reported that Romney has altered his schedule somewhat and will make campaign stops in key East Coast swing states until he can catch the boat from New York to Liverpool.

Romney’s wife, Ann, though tearful about her husband’s imminent departure for an undetermined length of time, expressed gratitude for her children and grandchildren who can help maintain the family homestead and several vacation condos. Ann confided in one staffer that she wished that Mitt had been called, “like that Brother Hill, a few rows up from us, to the Southern State mission or even the Lamanite mission, and not in a foreign land so far away.”  

A third staffer seemed rather confused by some of the details. That staffer stated that “I think I heard Mitt say that he was going without even a purse or a script, so maybe Stefan Morris (a metrosexual staff speech writer) could help him out.”

SPIRITS OF FORMER PRESIDENTS VISIT ROMNEY

Sort of like this...but different

By Barley B. Bratt

TAMPA, FL—According to reports, the spirits of several former United States presidents visited Mitt Romney only a few hours before the Republican National Convention. Multiple Romney staffers who would not give their names because of the sensitivity of the issue stated that while the soon-to-be-named Republican presidential candidate was preparing for the convention, the spirits of former presidents Martin Van Buren, James Buchanan, and Ulysses S. Grant appeared in Romney’s hotel room.

In a closed door meeting held soon after the vision, Romney described to his inner circle what he had both seen and heard. According to one staffer, Romney had most of the lights on in his room, “When suddenly, as he noticed some of the lights dim, three personages appeared to him.” Romney commented that they were immediately recognizable by their clothing, demeanor, and greyish countenances.

Another Romney staffer commented that all three seemed very pleased to see Mitt and were encouraging of his candidacy, hopeful that, in being the next president, he might follow in their footsteps. In addition, all three had advice for Romney, ranging from dealing with economic panics, interceding in state affairs in order to maintain political support, basing important decisions on poor evidence, and appointing the most advantageous advisors and officials.

Though pleased by such a manifestation, Romney reported that some aspects of the vision were perplexing.

“When he asked why none of the three had appeared to Wilford Woodruff in the St. George temple” explained one staffer, “all three looked around, mumbled, and paused awkwardly.”

“Grant, in a moment of sudden recollection,” according to reports, “explained that he was still alive in 1877.”

Staffers further elaborated that, according to Romney, “After some time, Buchanan said that he did not feel all that comfortable in Utah, and Van Buren said that he was [long pause] busy hearing the missionary discussions.”

Romney told staffers that Van Buren quickly added, “Yeah, um Joseph Smith was teaching me, since, um, we already had kind of met . . . before. It was good to see him again.”

According to Romney, Van Buren then added, “Isn’t Florida lovely, you know, without those pesky Seminoles running around?”

Before departing, all three expressed their hope for a Romney presidency and support for his policies, especially his approach toward immigration and dealing with people who “ain’t from around these parts.”

MEMBERS INSPIRED BY SUMMER OLYMPICS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—This week Church headquarters has received a large number of letters expressing how the Olympic Games have inspired members around the world.

One such letter is from Ana Santos Villanueva of Bogotá, Columbia who writes that seeing the courage and dedication of so many athletes has renewed her motivation to prepare for the temple. Her teenage sons Ricardo and Jorge were initially not as inspired, but Sister Villanueva reported that they were clearly excited by the efforts of the female beach volleyball athletes.

“When I asked them if they could see how those athletes work and struggle,” noted Sister Villanueva, “they could hardly talk, they were so moved.”  When Sister Villanueva asked if they also felt the inspirational burnings of the Spirit, “they nodded in reverent affirmation.” 

Sister Ashley James, who is currently serving a full-time mission in Ames, Iowa, wrote to the First Presidency about “watching the entire opening ceremony in the home of the ward mission leader. It reminded me of how many countries there are in the world and how there are people just like me who are, right now, spreading the gospel’s good news.”  

She elaborated on how all of the different events taught her about working with different investigators. “I’m glad that I watched all of the badminton and the judo events, and not just sports that everyone knows,” explained Sister James, “as those events showed me how sometimes you have to be patient and sometimes you have to pull and grab, spiritually, when doing the Lord’s work.” Sister James concluded that, “it took a while for my companion to understand, but I was finally able to explain to her how synchronized swimming teaches about cheerfulness and fencing explains how Nephi killed Laban.”

Many members reported that the Games inspired new resolutions. Typical of these is a letter from Todd Lane of Oklahoma City. A life-time member and father of three, Brother Lane wrote that “after seen Gabby Douglas and Oscar Pistorius, their dedication and hard-work, I decided that I’m sure that by the end of the year I can complete the entire Pearl of Great Price. I CAN DO IT”  

Gordon Abrams of Philadelphia affirmed, in a similar vein, “this year I will be the Dream Team of home teachers!  I will probably visit all my three families by December!”

SCRIPTURE DISCREPANCIES LEAD FOUR ROMNEY STAFFERS TO RESIGN

By Barley B. Bratt

This is NOT the NRA

BOSTON, MA—Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney confirmed that four of Romney’s staffers resigned effective Monday, July 17th. All four staffers happen to be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and apparently all had worshiped together on Sunday July 16. Early indications are that elements of the previous day’s Sunday School lesson dealing with chapters 23 through 29 of the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon led to their resignations.

One staffer was Margaret Peat (24) originally from Oxnard, California. Peat reportedly told other Romney volunteers that she could not ignore Romney’s connections with the National Rifle Association. “When the Lamanites converted to the Lord,” Peat explained, “they buried their weapons. They didn’t stockpile them or irrationally defend the right to carry the most lethal killing machines ever invented.”

A second staffer, David Berg (23) from Arlington, Virginia wrote a lengthy resignation note to Romney pointing out the discrepancy between his immigration policy and the Nephite approach to the influx of Anti-Nephi-Lehis. Part of Berg’s letter read, “I don’t want a commander-in-chief who builds walls and scares the vulnerable when the Nephite chief judge not only welcomed immigrants but vowed to protect them.”

Barlow’s close friend Nathan Yates (26) from Falls Church, Virginia reportedly vacillated on those immigration policy conflicts. When Yates had argued that maybe the Nephites “just let them come to pick fruit,” Berg pointed out that the Anti-Nephi-Lehis, unlike undocumented immigrants in the United States, were specifically not treated as slaves.

The fourth staffer, Vince Payton (23) from Hollywood, Florida left after Romney rejected his proposal to rename the Republican party the Anti-Lincoln-Washingtons.

ALTERNATIVE GUIDE TO CHICK-FIL-A APPRECIATION DAY

Wednesday, August 1 marks Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when those who approve of Chick-fil-A’s stance against gay marriage will eat at their local Chick-fil-A franchise. Other groups will also be showing their support for various forms of marriage by eating at various restaurants. To make sure our readers don’t get caught making the wrong political statement at lunch, following is an official list of which groups will be eating where.

PROVO RIVER TRAIL RAPES DEEMED “NOT NICE!”

By Amy Chamberlain

PROVO, UT—Some female members of the north Provo LDS population have grown tired of the many rapes and other acts of aggression that have taken place along the Provo River Trail over the last several years. 

“It’s gotten to the point where we’re like, okay, enough already,” says Mailee Nuttall, Young Women’s President of the Provo 97^th ward. “We want to use the Provo River Trail without fear. And besides, raping is just not nice.”

To combat the problem, Relief Society and Young Women groups from three north Provo and two south Orem stakes formed a group. “While we don’t recommend taking the law into your own hands as a general rule,” says Provo North Stake Relief Society President Bonnie Poulson, “in this case, we had to do something.”

The group launched a “full-scale resistance,” according to Poulson, that includes making and placing signs strategically along the Provo River trail. “This may be harsh,” says her first counselor, Pat Anderson, “but we are warriors in God’s army, and we feel that this is the right move.”

The signs carry messages like “Please don’t rape us; it’s mean!” and “Why don’t you try asking us out on a date instead of attacking us? We’ll probably say yes” and “Is rape something that Jesus would have you do? NO!!!”

“I think it’s that third exclamation point that shows potential rapists how very, very serious we are,” says Southeast Orem Stake Young Women’s President Wendi Bascombe.

Bascombe’s second counselor, Darlene Schiffer, points out that sign-making is only one of an aggressive three-pronged campaign. “The signs are pretty tough on their own,” she says, “but we’re also staging a leaflet giveaway. At strategic points along the trail, young women are handing out For the Strength of Youth pamphlets and blue lollipops, since blue is for virtue.”

The women also plan on writing stern notes to convicted rapists in the area, asking them to “please try dancing with us at stake dances” rather than raping when they are let out of prison.

New LDS Temple to Counteract Nearby Krishna Temple

By Christopher Bigelow

Krishna and Mormon will soon collide in Payson, Utah.

PAYSON, UT—In southern Utah County, it's a tale of two temples. For several years now, the Sri Sri Radha Krishna Temple has been bringing local people to Krishna Consciousness. Meanwhile, the LDS Church is currently building its new Payson Utah Temple nearby.

"There's no doubt in our minds that the Krishnas are trying to steal our children," said local LDS stake president DeVern Parry. "I mean, look on their temple website. They specifically give transit directions from BYU. We needed our own temple to counteract this spiritual confusion, and Salt Lake finally understood the urgency."

Each year, Parry noted, the Krishna temple holds a "filthy, pagan" color festival, during which participants throw colored powders into the air and onto each other. "When I looked in with my binoculars last year, every other shirt was a BYU shirt," Parry said. "They'll let anyone trample through their so-called temple without any kind of recommend or anything. I tell you, the Woodstock hippies had nothing on these people."

Local Krishna leader Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupad says he doesn't understand the fuss. "We are simply doing our own version of that which has been done in other religions. Regardless of a person's religious background, we can help them develop spiritual maturity and equip them for service in the temple and for their life mission in the world, in order to magnify Krishna’s Holy Name."

"It makes me sick," said Parry. "This last spring, I overheard two Mormon young people making plans to go to the color festival. One said, 'Let's dress all in white and go do a temple session.' I tell you, it's an outright mockery of sacred things. If we left the Krishnas unchecked down here, we'd soon have a generation of Lamanites on our hands."

While a dedication date has not yet been set for the Payson Utah Temple, local sources confirmed that a color festival will be held annually on the temple grounds. "But it will be Mormon style," an anonymous source said. "Only the three primary colors, and only one teaspoon of powder per person. Temple workers will be standing by with vacuums to take care of the dust. We'll have a regional choir perform, not these pseudo-religious rock bands like the Krishnas do. Our kids will love it—there won't be any draw for them to worship with the Krishnas anymore."

NEVILLE O. MAXWELL STRUGGLES WITH SEEMINGLY STRANGLING SELF-DOUBT

By Barley B. Bratt

Stoic saint stands sturdily before Shopko.

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Neville O. Maxwell, grandson of the late apostle Neal A. Maxwell, recently expressed to his bishop that there are times “when the white and wooly waves of worry whip me on my weary way.”   Seeking comfort and guidance, Maxwell conceded that the “mortal clock rarely ticks with that of the Messiah’s miraculous, millennial machinery.”  

A previous bishop had suggested Maxwell take evening walks to ponder the challenges of teaching his Valiant 9 class and working 35 hours a week at Shopko.  Reporting positively on this counsel, Maxwell expressed how “So often enlightenment has come with the day’s gradual darkening, bringing with it a provident and prudent pondering of how better to shepherd my fresh and feisty young flock of primary fledglings while also storing and restoring that which has become separated from its Shopko shelf sanctuary.”  

Pressing further, Bishop Peters asked if Maxwell did not perhaps feel that he should have a job more in keeping with his skills and interests, and perhaps a calling that would allow him to develop more of his talents.  To this Neville responded, “Oft, in lonely rooms, and mid the din of towns and cities, the material gravity of fallen flesh has fueled a fiery and flying envy toward (elders quorum president) Steve Allen, my childhood yet often churlish onetime chum.”  

Neville, who recently turned 24, also told the bishop of his concerns about not being married. “I believe that it was Milton,” Neville said, “who put it so eloquently: ‘Some, happily married, seated, need not wait / But they also serve who only stand and date’.”

What are over-30-year-old LDS singles doing to attract an eternal companion?

Building altar to Lex de Azevedo.

Emphasizing sweet spirit; bank account.

Being content if a date can trace ancestry back only to Charlemagne instead of Adam and Eve.

Removing burka.

Holding off on committing date to read And They Were Not Ashamed until second date.

Advertising during General Conference.

Picking up date in Econoline van.

Reconsidering stance on polyandry.

Receiving extra endowments from plastic surgeon.

Using mail order to convert Russian women to the Church.

Uncovering any pair of feet available.

Avoiding rashes as a conversation starter.

Changing Facebook status to "So tired of dating hot guys with huge earning potential. Ready to try something new!"

Keep praying they'll install Sprite-and-Fanta bars in temple lobbies.

CHURCH DENIES PAGEANT TARGETING WOMEN CALLED "MAGIC MORONI"

By Barley B. Bratt

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has denied rumors that it is developing a new pageant. The denial came in response to alleged Church documents leaked to the press referring to a show targeted at women called “Magic Moroni.” 

Church spokesman Peter Andrews clarified that “We are not developing any new pageants and certainly not one for Las Vegas featuring Nephite priesthood holders with perfect cheekbones and chiseled abs glistening with sweat.”

Andrews was responding to a variety of rumors, some claiming that the show would draw upon the notoriety of current movies as well as a widely popular set of books of particular interest to women. Andrews also clarified that the Church had not sent out a call for 2000 incredibly handsome, well-built men to act as “stripping warriors.” 

Andrews stated categorically that rumors that the show’s tagline would be “He’ll be Joseph and you can be Potiphar’s Wife” were “completely unfounded.” 

What staff position has Mitt promised you?

White House Staff Garment Line Inspector 

 

Director of Presidential Table Centerpieces

 

President of the Third Quorum of the Council of 50

 

Head of the Environmental Stewardship but Jesus Will Be Here Soon Anyhow Agency

Briefing Room Opening and Closing Prayer Coordinator

White House Vinyl Lettering Decorator

Committee to Erase Lilburn Boggs from National Memory 

National Youth Conference Trek Coordinator

Secretary of Ice Cream

Head of Passive Aggression

Cleon Skousen National Monument Committee Head

Avenger upon Illinois