Saturday, September 8, 2012


CHARLOTTE, NC—Sitting in Time Warner Cable Arena, tears well up in Brenda Jensen’s eyes, as she watches Barack Obama speak and basks in the comforting glow of her white guilt.  Jensen (41) sees her attendance at the Democratic National Convention as an important step for Mormons everywhere.  “I live in Portland, Maine now,” said Jensen, “but I have always tried to set the example for other Mormons by loving all minorities and disadvantaged peoples. I was glad that in high school in Logan back in the eighties that we elected the only Mexican in our school to student council.  Even then I was overturning the past and building bridges.”

Jensen met with other like-minded Mormon liberals who found solace and purpose in the convention.  Colin Mason (24) from Beaverton, Oregon felt it was important to be there to “show the world that there are Mormons like me who would fully embrace black lesbian home teachers in wheel chairs if I needed a priesthood blessing or something.”  Mason added that the convention had renewed his hope that “one day, we will all sit together at one big sacrament table and everyone will bless and pass the gluten-free, organic bread, the pure spring water, and the hummus just like God intends us to do.”

A third conference attendee, Richard Morrison (31) from Chapel Hill, NC, also found the convention invigorating.  “I am sure others liked President Obama speech,” commented Morrison, “because of his message, but being a Mormon, it had special resonance for me.”  When asked to explain, Morrison continued, “Well, others just heard a good speech, but I could hear with Obama the prophetic words of King Benjamin about social justice and Joseph Smith’s proclamation of the coming united order.  Oh, I am so excited that I almost leapt out of my Birkenstocks and dropped my new MacBook Pro.”


  1. haaaahh! priceless!

  2. it's like the journalist walked into the room & picked all the craziest looking people to interview. nice. Here's an interview of a normal person who is Mormon:

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  4. Please keep in mind that this article is meant to be satirical. No actual journalist walked into an actual room; none of these are real people. It is just supposed to play on the stereotypes of Mormon liberals.