CHURCH ENCOURAGES FAKE NEWS WHISTLEBLOWERS BY OFFERING REDUCED TITHING RATE

Salt Lake City, UT—After many years and countless meetings about how to handle the problem of fake news about the church, leaders in Salt Lake have announced that they will encourage members to warn church leadership and others about fake news by offering such whistleblowers a 1.5% reduction in their annual tithing rate.

“For too long now,” said Neal Albert Widtsoe McConkie, head of the Church’s Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation, “members have been duped, they have been deceived by the great deceiver and his clever, clever wiles, for he is a wily one, and he is not above cheap, low, and very unfunny attempts to deceive the innocent, the pure, and those who faithfully believe everything that says ‘Mormon’ on the world wide interwebs.”

The new program, dubbed “Faithful Finders of the False and Unfunny,” rewards the vigilant with what Widtsoe McConkie calls, “God’s way of giving back and sign of appreciation” in the form of a tithing rate at 8.5% instead of the normal 10%. In addition, the head of the Department of Fake News Prevention and Faith Fomentation also promised that valiant whistleblowers “should feel completely free to faithfully pay on their net instead of their gross.”

Fake news, especially with the proliferation of information via social media, has been a very, very, very serious concern for the Brethren “for a very, very, very long time” explained DOFNPFF head Widtsoe McConkie. He elaborated that such leaders “have heard the cries of your innocent siblings and ward members, the broken hearts of people who believed that the church had banned baptisms of children of Republicans or who had believed that Temple Square was decorated for Halloween or that Captain Moroni had a wife named Brenda.” 

Widstoe McConkie concluded, “remain faithful, little flock, for truth shall overcome!”

MOTHER OF LDS BRIDE MISTAKENLY BELIEVES SHE HAS ANY SAY IN MARRIAGE PLANS

The older Sister Harris requested no jumping pictures;
little does she know there will be jumping pictures.

Gilbert, AZ—Area mother Madeleine Harris is currently working under the delusion that she will have any real say in the planning of her daughter’s upcoming wedding.

“Well, I just told her she can’t get married over Christmas, since that’s already such a stressful time,” said the mother who erroneously believes that such input will, in the end, make any difference in her daughter’s decision of when to get married. Sister Harris, whose daughter Rachel is currently “engaged to be engaged,” expressed her displeasure with that ambiguous statement, clarifying to Rachel that she is “either engaged or not engaged!” Rachel listened to her mother, allowing her to believe that the complaint made any difference whatsoever, and then continued to look for a ring, find a wedding date, wait for Eric to formally propose, and generally enjoy this exciting process and time.

For his part Brother Allen Harris entertains fewer notions of his influence in his daughter’s impending nuptials, though he does mistakenly believe that the “40 minute, thoughtful and useful conversation” he had with her about goals, planning for the future, and other discussions about married life she should have with her future husband was actually useful for the young Sister Harris.

Both Brother and Sister Harris look forward with considerable anxiety to their oldest child’s wedding, and while on the surface they believe that their insights, wisdom, and needs should be important, deep down but still unbeknownst to them, they hope their daughter will begin to develop her independence and reliance on her new relationship as she plans her wedding.

When the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer contacted LDS marriage and family expert and mother of 7 married children Cheryl Brown, Doctor Brown said that, “my research indicates that sooner or later every bride gives her mother a look that says, ‘listen, you can show up at this time and this place with a checkbook or not, but this is how this marriage is going down!’” Brown said it is a conflictive, important, memorable, and touching moment.