Monday, December 14, 2015

TO AVOID CONFLICTS BETWEEN HOME AND CHURCH, NEW POLICY BANS BAPTISM OF CHILDREN OF REPUBLICANS

Elder Christofferson explaining the gap between the
Gospel of Jesus Christ and Republicanism
Salt Lake City, UT—Last night the church’s Handbook of Instructions was updated with a policy banning the baptism of children of Republicans. In response to waves of confusion and criticism, Elder Christofferson met with reporters from the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer and other, lesser news outlets to clarify the new policy.

“This policy is first and foremost about love,” said Elder Christofferson. He continued that “we want to bless the lives of all children, but we also want to avoid painful confusion that children might experience if they are learning about the gospel of Jesus Christ at church and then confronted by Republican ideas at home.”

When asked what he meant by this, Elder Christofferson explained that “imagine a child hearing King Benjamin’s words that we are all beggars and that we sin when we don’t help those in need, but then that same child goes home to a Republican parent—or worse, two parents—only to hear justifications for why we cannot help Mexican immigrants or Syrian refugees.”

Elder Christofferson was asked about baby blessings for the children of people who are Republicans. Here again the Apostle drew a clear line, warning that a baby blessing would generate a membership record for a child who, in Elder Christofferson’s words, “would encounter a home life filled with the extremist obedience and self-reliance rhetoric that would make Christ’s grace seem meaningless or absurd.”

Reporters asked Elder Christofferson if this might mean missed opportunities at an important life stage if these otherwise innocent children could not be baptized. In response to these concerns, Elder Christofferson said that “when these children are old enough to realize and fully denounce the ignorance, fear, narrow-mindedness, and xenophobia that Republicans rely upon to prevent reasonable gun laws and their enforcement and to resist a fair and humane immigration policy, when young people can show, unlike Republicans, that they embrace and love others of different faiths and backgrounds, then those young people are prepared to really understand and even preach the faith and love that are the center of Christ’s teachings.” 

“Let me be clear,” concluded Elder Christofferson, “we simply want to prevent the jarring confusion a young person would feel by hearing about trusting God and being a Good Samaritan at church and then hearing about trusting a false god like the US military (and its outrageously out-of-proportion budget) and then hearing that we cannot afford to help the poor, the sick, the naked, the needy, and those who Republicans dismiss as undeserving, lazy moochers instead of children of God.” 

23 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. I believe very word. Too bad none of it is true.

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    1. Well at least they're consistent. Nothing they say is.

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  3. A+. I was disappointed that Elder Christofferson didn't clarify that these children would be expected to "disavow" their parent's political affiliation and move out of their home before being baptized.

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  4. Perfect! Thank you! I couldn't have said it better myself!

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  5. Love it. It's perfect except for the "reasonable gun laws" part.

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  6. Replies
    1. The term you're groping for is "mordant satire".

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  7. The Republican Jesus is going to be majorly ticked off by this. Nice Job. https://www.facebook.com/GOPJeezus/

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  8. It seems like all members should have to denounce same sex relationships prior to getting a temple recommend, not just 18-yr-olds of same sex couples.

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  9. THANK YOU for so clearly and creatively outlining the glaring hypocrisy of most LDS members and the obvious and extreme separation of their political agenda and the Christian faith they claim to espouse.

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  10. Religion is like Wikipedia, anyone can write something in.
    Bill Maher

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  11. Ah, yes! My daily dose of someone else who purports to know exactly what Jesus would do . . . with someone else's money. I don't know a soul who has sold all that they have and given it to the poor. But I do know some Democrats who take pride in their holy standing of being poor (and, therefore in the 'takers' category). I also know a number of Republicans who live beneath their means because they give substantially to people in need or organizations who provide for them. I know one (count with me, one) Democrat who actually takes the stranger into her home. Most of the rest are Joe Biden types--lecturing (or compelling with the tax code) others, but giving nothing of their own themselves. And as for Surian refugees, even the Good Samaritan cared for the needs outside his own home.

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    1. Good old boy Bob.... So sad that you just had to throw politics into this article. Oh! that's right you are the "Good old Boy". Biden gives more of himself than you will ever think of doing, Mr. self-righteous.

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  12. Jesus would want you to lighten up, Bob.

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  13. I'm sending this to my stake president.

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  14. The moderates of both the Democratic Party and the Republican Party are occupied bye the sane. it is only the extreme left wing and right wing that are the dangerous lunatics. the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle and it is very clear that this is one of those cases. right wing Republicans are every bit as evil as hard-core leftists. As far as gun laws being implemented I think that is a bunch of complete bullshit. We are a nation of free people and the second amendment will be upheld we will never surrender our guns .

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