THE MORMON TABERNACLE GUIDE TO CELEBRATING THE NEW YEAR

SEEKING AUTHENTICITY FOR LIVE NATIVITY, SPANISH BRANCH CASTS SISTER MISSIONARY AS VIRGIN MARY

HOUSTON, TX—During last Saturday’s Houston South Spanish Branch Christmas activity, Sister Heidi Conner, a missionary serving in the branch, was cast as the Virgin Mary for the nativity reenactment. “We just thought,” said Sister Tevez, wife of Branch President Tomás Tevez, “that a sister missionary would be the closest thing to Jesus’ pure and holy mother.”

Sister Conner, who very hesitantly accepted the role, said, “well, it was a little awkward, I mean especially since Brother Sandoval was Joseph.” Sister Conner continued, “I mean, my first thought was why not just have his wife, Sister Sandoval be Mary, but somehow that just didn’t fit what they had in mind.”

Several branch members reported that this year’s reenactment was “especially spiritual.” “I just thought it was perfect this year,” said Sister Alvarez, adding that “Mary was just so lovely and pure.” Another branch member reported that “it really gave you a sense of how difficult the whole thing must have been for Mary, I mean, you could just see all of the discomfort, pain, and awkwardness on Mary’s face. It was powerful.”

Only moments before the live nativity, Sister Conner and her companion, Sister Brooks had a short but rather intense discussion about the Branch’s request. Sister Brooks seemed less concerned about her companion’s interaction with the married Brother Sandoval and more concerned about why she was not chosen. The discussion only ended when President Tevez invited Sister Brooks to participate as “the loveliest, blondest, and most beautiful angel shepherds had ever seen.”

When the Mission President found out about the reenactment, he immediately sent an addendum to all missionary White Handbooks prohibiting “all participation in live nativity reenactments or even being in the room where one is going on.” When the local Stake President found out, his only comment was, “well, that is still better than the Sunday when the branch had several baptisms and so they ordered pizza delivered as refreshments; we’ll count this as progress.” 

RECENTLY DISCOVERED MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR ALBUM COVERS

Salt Lake City, Utah—It has recently come to the attention of the crack team at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that a vocal group named after this very news source has done a series of albums. This musical group, called the “Mormon Tabernacle Choir,” has created LDS alternatives to “worldly” music. Zion’s finest news source has found some of those albums hidden away in the attic of a lovely grandmother in Fairview, Utah.  The album covers are reproduced below.

We believe that more albums may be out there. If you (or your grandmother) has any of these priceless gems of musical goodness and moral uplift, please send your photos to us at motabenquirer at gmail dot com.  If you send large images, we will bring them to the attention of all of Zion!  

THE MTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEA: THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD WRIST COACH

As magazines like the Ensign have in storage 50,000 Family Home Evening ideas and Cosmopolitan has in storage 50,000 tips to make your man go wild in bed, the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has a storage of 50,000 Christmas gift ideas. We are more frugal with our tips, so here is this year’s one idea: the Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach. As you may have noticed, football quarterbacks have a special wristband with the team’s plays on it. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer shows you how to make the best Christmas gift that special Aaronic Priesthood holder in your life will ever get.  

You’re welcome, Zion.

Step 1: Go to a large store.  (The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer does not get any special funding from large stores that use predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture, so the sign here has been blurred.  But if a large store that uses predatory practices to destroy small businesses and local culture would like to sponsor or support Zion’s Finest News Source, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact us!)

Step 2: Purchase a Football Wrist Coach, and item that can be found in the sporting goods section.

Step 3: Make up a card with the Sacrament prayers on it to the size of the insert.  (Bonus points if you can make it from memory without having to look up the prayers.)

Step 4: Insert the card into the wristband.

Now your Aaronic Priesthood holder is ready, with his Aaronic Priesthood Wrist Coach, to bless the sacrament.

Bonus: Other important Aaronic (and Melchizedek!) Priesthood messages can also be conveyed with the Wrist Coach.

Happy Holidays from everyone at the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer!

UNEXPECTED TEACHER ABSENCES ACROSS CHURCH CREATE DEEPENING PRIMARY REFUGEE CRISIS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—At a recent press conference, it was noted that a rising tide of unexpected teacher absences across the church is triggering an ever deepening crisis of Primary refugees. According to the Church’s High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, “every Sunday tens of thousands of children find themselves alone, disoriented, frightened, and spiritually malnourished when the adults they trust, their teachers, fail to deliver the weekly aid that they desperately need.”

The High Commissioner noted several shocking recent examples. “A few Sundays ago, in Madison, Wisconsin, several CTR 7s were left to forage for their own spiritual sustenance when neither of their teachers showed up,” explained the Commissioner. She went on, saying that “by the time we found them, frightened and huddled in a corner (and perhaps playing Minecraft on the tablet of one of the refugees), they seemed to have lost track entirely of why they had arrived at church in the first place.”

Fear about their future and a growing desperation (often masked by apathy, chit-chat, and Temple Run II) at ever getting their needs met has only exacerbated the refugee crisis.

The High Commissioner also noted that local leaders, often with resources stretched well beyond the breaking point, struggle to contain the flood of refugees. On this point the Commissioner noted that “a Primary President may try to find some parents to substitute or may try to see if other classes can absorb the sudden influx of spiritual asylum seekers. That sudden influx,” continued the Commissioner, “can jeopardize another community’s delicate social, cultural, and spiritual equilibrium, or worse, there may not be enough treats for everyone.”

 

The High Commissioner on Primary Refugees’ press conference has generated considerable conversation at all levels of the church. There are reports of efforts to give Primaries across the church better safeguards to prevent the spread of the crisis and resources to handle current problems. Unnamed sources suggest that fathers of Primary children may receive additional training “so that when a crisis presents itself, they can step in, meet the needs, and not just play hangman for 35 minutes.”

In contrast with the buzz generated by the High Commissioner on Primary Refugees, the Moderate Commissioner for Adult Sunday School Refugees has seen his single suggestion for stopping his problem roundly rejected. That suggestion was the formation of an adult foyer or lobby class to count as Sunday School for those (perhaps willingly) wandering adults.