BYU ANNOUNCES NEW VETTING CHECK SHEETS FOR POTENTIAL BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS

PROVO, UT—BYU’S Vetting Services office has announced revised potential boyfriend and girlfriend vetting check sheets.  The check sheets, to be filled out by roommates, examine the most important categories and attributes one would want in a long term partner.  Both new check sheets are provided below.

SALT LAKE REJECTS NEW WARD BOUNDARIES; ACCUSES STAKE OF GERRYMANDERING

Artist's Rendition of the Proposed Stake Boundaries

Salt Lake City, UT—Mormon Church leadership has rejected proposed ward boundaries in the new South Essex Stake in Essex Massachusetts. The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has learned that the boundaries have been rejected because of what one source calls “obvious, blatant gerrymandering.”

Among the many irregularities discovered were ward boundaries that actually cut through several homes. When asked to explain why some ward boundaries cut through individual residences, Church leaders were told that “well, sometimes one ward needs the Priesthood holder because he is the center for the ward’s basketball team but the other ward needs the kids for the youth program.”

Even more unusual was the discovery of a ward boundary that cuts right through the bedroom of an apartment. Local leaders explained that “yah, a lovely retired couple lives there, so one ward got the sister because she makes homemade sacrament bread and the other ward got the husband because he’s been in the scouting program for 47 years.” While denying the accusation of “horse-trading” among ward leaders, one source who wants to remain anonymous admitted that “warm, fresh sacrament bread is a fair swap for a descent scout master.”

Church leaders found that another ward had several pockets of ward members inside other wards. When asked to explain that situation, local leaders clarified that “the former stake president has kids throughout the stake, you know, they are a large, established LDS family here in Massachusetts.” They added that the former leader is “afraid either his wife or his children will stop going to church if the whole family can’t go together.” The former stake president’s wife, in a note attached to the boundary documentation, commented that “it is just easier for everyone to come over every Sunday for dinner if we all have church together.”

This is not the first time ward boundaries have been rejected amid allegations of gerrymandering. One source told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer of a stake that tried to make a ward that packed together “all of the most out-of-control Primary children” with leadership taken from the stake’s various psychological and criminology experts. Salt Lake explained that “the Lord wants those little bundles-of-energy and opportunities-for-adults-to-learn-patience spread more or less evenly throughout Zion.”

LDS SCIENTISTS DISCOVER LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MISSIONARY MASS

Scientific conclusions made with math like this
but with skinny and fat missionaries

Provo, UT—Scientists at BYU’s Center for Physics, Heath, and Tracting announced this week the discovery of a law governing the total mass of all currently serving missionaries. C-PHaT scientists have proven that, although the mass of some missionaries in places like Brazil might go down, that decrease is balanced by mass gain for missionaries serving in places like the US Mountain West.

“We have proven that the total mass of all combined missionaries is a constant, even though individual missionaries may fluctuate, proving an absolute conservation of missionary mass,” stated Dr. Joyce Floyd, a fellow at C-PHaT. Dr. Floyd added that, “what this proves is that the total mass of missionaries is an eternal constant that can never be created nor destroyed.”

The discoveries Dr. Floyd and her colleagues have made were inspired by observations made in some wards in the eastern United States. In one ward, a sister missionary in Brazil had lost 40 pounds in her first six months. This was of course of interest to C-PHaT scientists, but they also found that, in the same ward, two other missionaries serving in the Mountain West had gained 20 pounds each. Said Dr. Floyd’s colleague, Dr. Drew Brunick, “when we saw this conservation of missionary mass, we had to see if this was an isolated incident or part of God’s unchanging laws of proselyting physics.”

With data from the church via monthly missionary reports, C-PHaT discovered the eternal principle of missionary mass conservation. Dr. Floyd noted that even when some missionaries “finally shed a few pounds at the end, just before they go home,” this loss of mass was countered by the gains in “missionaries who finally got used to all that weird, foreign food, and who even planned on bringing some home.” 

THE ALL-PURPOSE CHURCH TALK

No Need to Fear; We have got you Covered!

Need a church talk in a pinch? Did a speaker not show up? Did you forget you were supposed to speak? Are you just too plain hungover to write one? The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Below is the All-Purpose Church Talk. We provide the talk; you fill in the blank what whatever you were supposed to talk about.

Dear Brothers and Sisters. I am grateful to speak with you today about ______.  I must admit that I had mixed feelings in getting this assignment and in the preparation of my remarks for you today. I have felt excited, apprehensive, one could even say there have been moments blighted by the infamous “stupor of thought.” Still, in spite of struggles both spiritual and intellectual, I think I can express all of the thoughts that have come to me on this vital and central church doctrine.

I don’t want to fall into the old cliché of the dictionary definition of ______. I think that we all know what it means. And I don’t want to go through an entire list of scriptures, passages that may only relate at best tangentially to this crucial doctrine. In fact, I think it is perhaps best to say that ______ is closely link, even inseparably linked, with other essential gospel elements and principles. Those inextricably bound correlatives include [insert some topics which you have recently spoken on, heard about, thought about, or just use “sacrifice” and “family prayer”].  When we link [what you just said] and ______, we notice how these principles are interwoven in a vast tapestry of truth and light.

As mentioned previously, prophets from the Old Testament knew about ______, and some of their writings, even if they are now lost elements of their oral history, attest to its importance. New Testament prophets, coming as they did in the meridian of time, naturally embraced this central concept. This concept was not unknown to those in Book of Mormon lands as current scriptures or future records demonstrate. Our modern day prophets have not only embraced it, but they have offered their own insights and perspectives, something that meets the needs of saints living now in the latter days. ______ is so important, so vital for our spiritual growth that I challenge each one of you to go back though the most recent General Conference, paying careful attention to what the speakers and the Spirit tell you about _______. Clearly ______ is important to the Lord, as prophetic writings demonstrate. If the Lord has placed so much emphasis on it, how can we not search into it, ponder its implications for our lives, and see it bless our lives and the lives of those we love.

I think we not only all understand ______ better and have a stronger grasp of its importance to God, but I hope you feel invited to conduct your own study of it. My ideas cannot be a substitute for what you will get, and what I have said will be unclear to you if you don’t do the work yourself of studying it out, pondering it, and applying it in your life. I would add that talks like this one often inspire us to more action instead of simply trying to fill us with knowledge or ideas, since passively being filled does not engage our agency and lead to real growth.

[if you still have lots of time, take this detour]: Still, before leaving ______ and drawing my message to a close, it think it is valuable to consider [mention a new topic that you can ramble on about to fill the remaining time, and make it seem connected to the assigned topic. Suggested new topics include: faith, Kolob, how the church might grow and change with the colonization of Mars, etc.]

I know it is a cliché, but I admit that I am the one who learned most about this topic because of this talk, though hopefully you are just as edified as I have been. How often does it seem that the Lord carries the message that others need to hear with or without the aid of whoever is actually speaking? Our time has truly been well spent as we have pondered ______ together this day.

[Finish with your testimony, tears optional].

DESERET BOOK ADDS NEW TITLES TO TIMOTHY BALLARD'S HYPOTHESIS SERIES

MOTHER OF LDS BRIDE MISTAKENLY BELIEVES SHE HAS ANY SAY IN MARRIAGE PLANS

The older Sister Harris requested no jumping pictures;
little does she know there will be jumping pictures.

Gilbert, AZ—Area mother Madeleine Harris is currently working under the delusion that she will have any real say in the planning of her daughter’s upcoming wedding.

“Well, I just told her she can’t get married over Christmas, since that’s already such a stressful time,” said the mother who erroneously believes that such input will, in the end, make any difference in her daughter’s decision of when to get married. Sister Harris, whose daughter Rachel is currently “engaged to be engaged,” expressed her displeasure with that ambiguous statement, clarifying to Rachel that she is “either engaged or not engaged!” Rachel listened to her mother, allowing her to believe that the complaint made any difference whatsoever, and then continued to look for a ring, find a wedding date, wait for Eric to formally propose, and generally enjoy this exciting process and time.

For his part Brother Allen Harris entertains fewer notions of his influence in his daughter’s impending nuptials, though he does mistakenly believe that the “40 minute, thoughtful and useful conversation” he had with her about goals, planning for the future, and other discussions about married life she should have with her future husband was actually useful for the young Sister Harris.

Both Brother and Sister Harris look forward with considerable anxiety to their oldest child’s wedding, and while on the surface they believe that their insights, wisdom, and needs should be important, deep down but still unbeknownst to them, they hope their daughter will begin to develop her independence and reliance on her new relationship as she plans her wedding.

When the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer contacted LDS marriage and family expert and mother of 7 married children Cheryl Brown, Doctor Brown said that, “my research indicates that sooner or later every bride gives her mother a look that says, ‘listen, you can show up at this time and this place with a checkbook or not, but this is how this marriage is going down!’” Brown said it is a conflictive, important, memorable, and touching moment.

MAN IN PRIMARY ENJOYS TREMENDOUS, UNMERITED PRAISE

Spring’s go-to class color page

College Park, GA—College Park Ward member Kevin Springs, who teaches the CTR 7 class, enjoys almost overwhelming and mostly unmerited praise for simply being a man and teaching in the Primary.

“I’ve got say,” explained brother Springs, “when I got this calling I was surprised and a little thrown.” Springs elaborated that “once I got around all of the Primary leaders and others, I found out that all I had to do was the minimum and everyone thought I was awesome!”

When asked about his calling, Springs said that “yah, Saturday afternoon I find a few videos to watch during class and then print a Sudoku puzzle or some pages to color for my lesson and I’m done.” He added that “it is all pretty simple and chill, but the Bishopric, Primary President, and most of the parents look at me like I just got back from the beaches at Normandy!”

Unmerited praise for being a man doing something traditionally associated with women is not new for Spring. As he mentioned, “it is just like when I used to take the baby or a couple of kids grocery shopping and people, especially women, just fell all over themselves with admiration.” Spring associated this praise with how Priesthood leaders would encourage men to willingly “babysit” their own children so that the wives could attend Relief Society activities. 

Spring is enjoyed the unearned praise he gets for simply sitting in Sharing and Singing Time with his class, but he knows that, if he and his wife ever divorced, the default would be her getting custody of the children, since kids rarely go to the “babysitter.”  

POINT: JOINING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

Kolob is right there!

By Mark Daniels

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve joined the church! Having the missionaries come over and teach me has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before they came, I had no idea about Kolob, tannic acid in tea, or how all other baptisms are as useless as running around in the rain. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above the world and all of its petty cares and sins. I see my pre-church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has an exalted, celestial importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their worldly ways, but I pray for them that they will eventually come to a knowledge of the truth.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how we love children of gay parents enough to not cause them conflicts between home and church. I love how much I value God and God’s creations, and God’s children so much more now. Being a Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value in God’s eyes.

Everything is better now that I’m Mormon!

COUNTERPOINT: LEAVING THE CHURCH HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON

This movie is essentially about Mormons!

By Danielle Marks

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now that I’ve left the church! Learning the truth from friends and the Internet has been an amazing, eye-opening experience. Before that, I had no idea about church history controversies, confirmation bias, gaslighting, or how the church is simply a corporate, homophobic, racist, hate group involved in a dark power grab. It is essential truths like these that have pointed me in this new direction in my life!

Truth has not been the only exhilarating source of joy for me. Now I have a whole new set of friends, people who seem so happy, so joyfully lifted up above Mormonism and all its judgmental tendencies and gross neglect. I see my past church life as so small, so trivial, and so worthless; everything now has a deeper, more spiritual importance. This of course has caused some friction with people from my past, people still caught up in their small-minded, naïve ways, but I hope that they will eventually come to see the real truth of things.

What this change has really brought me is love. I love, for example, how I see the abusive ways that Mormons drill into people that they should only have sex inside of covenant relationships, when we all know that real love spreads itself out, especially sexually, among many, many people, and that it only grows by being spread! I love how much I value the Earth and other people so much more now. As an Ex-Mormon, I feel like when I serve others, it is because I see their real value.

Everything is better now that I’m no longer a Mormon!

NEW LDS DATING WEBSITE EXCLUSIVELY FOR FORMER APs, STLs

Salt Lake City, UT—This morning, in a move to meet the “important needs of some of our greatest saints,” the LDS Church announced a new dating website exclusively for former Assistants to the President and Sister Training Leaders.

“These are special Elders and Sisters,” said church spokesman Lavernal Jorgenson, “and ExtraRighteous & EternallyConnected will keep them together and keep them special for time and all eternity.”

Reaction to the website has been almost universally positive, reported Jorgenson. “These former missionaries want to meet others who felt great responsibilities to care for, guide, and lead God’s chosen servants,” explained Jorgenson. He then added, “Oh, and they want to have a partner who is also willing to equate righteousness with one’s calling, so that’s also a bonus.”

Mission presidents had long called for such a website. Brother Eric Taylor, former mission president for the Bakersfield, California mission said that “this will put together young people who have mastered essential leadership skills that are perfect for the church, for families, and for relationships to thrive, skills like self-righteous manipulation, emotional coercion, and the exploitation of the shame and guilt of others.”

Missionaries who never served in these exalted, almost celestial callings are also applauding the Church’s decision. Said Angie Clarkson, who is one of the “just served” missionaries, “I had a first date with a really nice guy, but in the first 15 minutes he managed to work into the conversation that he had been an AP in his mission, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes when I could not say that I had been an STL.” Concluded Clarkson, “I wanted to tell him where he could go with that sort of attitude. Now I know another place he can go with that sort of attitude!” 

MY FAITH CRISIS: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jon McNaughton:
The Official Painter of God and His Political Party

By Clint Reston

Please don’t get the wrong idea from the title—I still have a strong testimony that God works through His earthly, political party, the Republican party, but I have to admit that after some things I have seen on the Internet, I have experienced a painful and confusing faith crisis. I hope that, by talking about my trial, I can help those who might face a similar dilemma.

I was raised in the Republican party, and even as a youth I rejoiced when the Lord put righteous and wise Bush after Bush as President to stay that dreadful day when the constitution will hang by a thread.

God’s blessed Bushes did His work of righteously defending this chosen land by sending our armies far, far away to fight in places like Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq. Where Captain Moroni built defenses, modern day representatives of God have taken a more pro-active approach, often with the aid of God’s instruments of peace, tomahawk missiles. How blessed we have been with leaders successfully dealing with natural disasters like Hurricane Katrina, establishing ethical and just correctional facilities in Iraq and elsewhere, and preventing economic crisis until the moment that God needed an economic crisis to punish the greedy and wicked!

Republicans alone have correct priorities: big government when it comes to the military, social security, or helping big corporations in need, and small government when it comes to worthless or destructive things like food stamps, veterans benefits, mental health assistance, universal healthcare, and other parasitic, satanic, socialist programs.

Much of that righteous goodness, of course, came to an end with President Obama. While God may have allowed gas prices to go down, improved overall employment and economic conditions, allowed more Americans to have healthcare than ever, and set up better relationships between the US and countries like Iran and Cuba, those are just examples of how God allows the wicked to seem to succeed for a season until they are inevitably punished for their abominations.

Worst of all, now gay marriage has been forced upon us, and the destruction and calamities that prophets have foretold are just about to be poured out upon us, I mean any minute now!

To learn about the Republicans God is calling in our current times, I have to admit that I sought information from a source that apostles have warned us about: the Internet. To their inspired voices I add my own: do not trust anything on the Internet, especially if it says that the honorable Mr. Cruz or Mr. Trump is sexist, racist, Islamophic, homophobic, xenophobic, unkind to the handicapped, says bad words, is a bully or an idiot, encourages fear, hatred, anger, and/or violence, or is not an excellent businessman or is not a man of perfect chastity and moral virtue. Especially don’t believe anything that the Internet tells you Mr. Trump has said about Mr. Cruz or vice versa or anything that the Internet might tell you about what Mitt Romney has said about either one. Mitt would never say such things, because he knows that a house divided cannot prosper, and God will not let His earthly party falter.

If you have accidentally come across troubling information on the Internet, here are two answers that will get you through.

First, doubt your doubts. You know you can trust that all Republicans are from God and all Democrats are from Satan. If you have doubts, doubt your doubts until your dubious doubts prove their dubiousness, and, like the day dawn is breaking, you doubt no longer!

Second, read the Book of Mormon. That divine record will reassure you that God still only inspires Republicans. Republicans embrace the truth that God wants us to be self-sufficient and to not rely on the government, or, as it says in Alma, “…every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength” (Alma 30:17). That quote and the whole book make it clear that we need to look out for ourselves, that beggars won’t learn to take care of themselves if we give them handouts (welfare, food stamps, healthcare, education, etc.) and that people who are being killed in their own country should not be allowed to just come here and settle.

If you are having a faith crisis from lies you have found on the Internet, hold fast to this message of absolute self-reliance and God’s inspired priorities as found in His earthy vessel, the Republican party, amen.

RECENT MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER HEADLINES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED

CHURCH AGREES TO HOLD JEREMY RUNNELLS’ DISCIPLINARY COURT ON FACEBOOK

Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced this morning that the disciplinary action recently called for against Jeremy Runnells would “not be confined to the privacy of a stake office” but would instead be carried out over social media.

According to a statement from the church, “we appreciate Brother Runnells’ efforts to speak to a large LDS audience” clarifying that, since statements from his stake president will still protect Brother Runnells’ privacy and will be held confidential, doing the council on Facebook “will give social media a complete look at all of one side.”

Offering a thorough view of one side seems to be Brother Runnells forte, so clearly the church is taking a wise step in having all of his arguments presented with no additional context or qualifying information.

When asked if members like Patrick Q Mason, Fiona and Terryl Givens, Randell Bowen, FairMormon, or others might be available for the social media disciplinary council, the church said that “well, if all of those people, their time, efforts, and expertise don’t seem to matter to Runnells, then that makes it pretty clear that they are all worthless.” The church added that since Runnells insists that his stake president answer his questions, and since his stake president must be an expert in all of those areas, and since that stake president does not have a job, family, or other personal matters, and since said stake president does not have other stake members with any physical, spiritual, emotional, or intellectual needs, then it is that stake president’s job to answer Runnells’ questions to Runnells’ satisfaction without, of course, that leader commenting on social media about any of his efforts.

The church also expressed gratitude for those “brave, pioneer saints” who paved the way for people like Brother Runnells’ to have his say in the “Facebook courts of truth.” The church specifically thanked saints like John Dehlin for his efforts, including posting online the transcript of his confidential disciplinary council. Besides Dehlin, the church thanked Kate Kelly for “bravely keeping everyone up to date on every element of her side of her case” in addition to posting on Facebook the names and work contact information for her stake presidency. The church added that “though some of that information may have later been deleted or modified, Kate was sure to keep people in a fairly constant state of agitation and surely helped some contact her stake leadership and their families, all of which must have been a blessing for everyone involved!”

In addition to expressing this gratitude, the church noted thankfully that Runnells, Dehlin, Kelly, and others had so effectively used social media to “really shake up those complacent Mormons who naively believe that making and keeping covenants, loving and serving others, and sincerely trying to live by Christ’s invitation to follow Him are NOT enough, and that all members should be overwhelmingly troubled by all social injustice, inequality, and doctrinal and historical ambiguities so that those things eclipse all other considerations and priorities.” 

Finally, the church expressed appreciation for the love and cultural sensitivity shown by the above mentioned saints who treat the church like “God’s big family.” “What those saints have done,” concluded the statement, is important, “since we all know that using individual power as a bludgeon to embarrass and shame is only part of the way we show love in families. The other part is posting pictures of it on Instagram or starting a foundation to celebrate it.”