DELBERT L. STAPLEY SENDS DIRE WARNING TO MITT ROMNEY

Apostle Still Seeking to do the Lord's
Work from the Spirit World

By Adam Lewis

La Jolla, CA—Confusion has, for some, followed Romney’s announcement that he would not run for president. Information from a source inside the Romney campaign may clarify why he is not running. This highly-placed source indicates that while organizing the papers on the desk of the savior of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, our source came upon an interesting letter, a letter that was “buried beneath stacks of diamond mine deeds and drafts of campaign donation requests.” The letter in question was from the late Delbert L. Stapley (Apostle 1950-1978), and its odd writings and other marks indicated that Romney may have transcribed the letter via what he refers to as his “Urim and Thumim 2.0” (aka top hat and monocle).

Stapley’s letter seems to be a sequel to his infamous 1964 letter to Governor George Romney, a letter wherein the now deceased Apostle criticized Romney’s support for the Civil Rights Act. In that letter Stapley warned Romney the Elder that support for such an act was against the will of the Lord as revealed through Joseph Smith. Stapley further cautioned that punishments are in store for those who seek equality in such ways. As evidence for such dire warnings, Stapley cited three US presidents who met their doom as a direct result of their pursuit of equal rights under the law as well as “the drowning death of some guy from Arizona.” 

Our highly-placed source suggests that the new Stapley letter is adapted for the new generation with similar advice and warnings. Stapley points out that the slippery slope of the Civil Rights Act has produced new minority groups that now have a voice and are seeking equal protection under the law. He goes on the say that groups like homosexuals, feminists, and Mormon democrats are pushing an agenda that restructures the proven and well established world that “needs no restructuring.” The source indicated that there may have been more, but the letter was whisked away by a representative of the Church History department who said that it needed to be “archived” properly.

When pressed for further details, our source noted the letter’s 116 word postscript. In that postscript, Stapley made clear his view that support for equal rights was why Romney the Elder lost the 1968 election, “plunging the nation into the dark ages of Nixon.” Stapley made clear that Romney the Younger has a third chance to “get it right” so the “purposes of Zion can be realized in national leadership.” Mitt was promised a win if he would adhere to Stapley’s directive, but any wavering would cause the dashing, righteous, and well-coiffed former governor to fall short, allowing Satan and the national media to yet again “sift him as wheat.”

TRIPLE, VENTI, HALF SWEET, NON-FAT, CARAMEL MACCHIATO CAUSES PRODIGAL LDS STARBUCKS BARISTA TO “COME TO HIMSELF,” RETURN TO FAITH

God can even use the absurdity 

of an iced, half caff, ristretto, venti, 

4-pump, sugar free, cinnamon, dolce 

soy skinny latte to bring a lost sheep 

back to the fold

Salt Lake City, UT—Kody Hollis’ recent return to the faith of his youth was apparently triggered by a customer request made while Kody was working as a barista at a Salt Lake City Starbucks.

“Yah, so this guy comes in,” recounted Kody, “and orders a triple, venti, half sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato and it suddenly struck me; what the @#^& am I doing here.” Kody continued that “the absurdity of making this ridiculous drink for some pretentious University of Utah hipster and then making similar drinks for the line of equally pretentious hipsters behind him just made me snap out of whatever fog I’d been in.”

Kody’s experience of suddenly “coming to himself” was followed by other experiences that eventually led the twenty-five year-old to return to his parents and the church he was raised in.

“So I went back to my apartment, you know, after my shift, and looked in the mirror, saw the piercings and those ludicrous gauges, and decided that I really need to make a change.” Kody was going to discuss his decision with his roommates, but Brian was in the shower with his girlfriend Candice and Kameron was passed out with a bong beside him on their dilapidated, red, Deseret Industries sectional couch. 

Kody’s decision was not an easy one, and he nearly faltered on the drive back to his parents’ home in Wellsville, Utah. “I got off the freeway,” explained Kody, “and dropped into a Starbucks along the way, in Ogden I think, you know, to pick up something and to think about this [decision] before just going back to Cache Valley.” Kody concluded that “well, so this girl with a weed tattoo on her neck was in front of me in line, and she ordered a grande chai tea latte, 3 pump, skim milk, lite water, no foam, extra hot and I was like ‘I gotta get away from this $%^*!’”

INSTITUTE STUDENTS, CONCERNED ABOUT HIS WEAK FAITH, CAUTION INSTRUCTOR AGAINST ASKING HARD QUESTIONS, GOING ON INTERNET

Students don't believe their teacher 
could handle a crucible or a doubt

Phoenix, AZ—Students attending the local Institute class, concerned about his weak testimony, consistently try to dissuade their teacher, Brother Branden Nicks, from asking difficult questions or going on the Internet.

“Let’s just say we try to keep him in the manual,” said Melissa Carr, a returned missionary, Sociology major at Arizona State University, and student in Brother Nicks’ class. “We love brother Nicks, and we worry that if he started to wonder about why God didn’t give the Priesthood to every worthy man before 1978 (or to every worthy member now!), well, it could damage his struggling faith.”

When asked about why they believed that challenging issues might be difficult for their instructor, students mentioned many telling experiences.

“At the beginning of the year we get new students who think that Institute should be a college-level class with open discussions that engage the difficult but fruitful tensions between faith and doubt, especially at this particular time in one’s life and at a university setting” said Michael Lane. Lane continued that “clearly Nicks is so uncomfortable with whatever isn’t in the manual or said in General Conference that he shuts any challenging conversations down with an apostle quote, a stern warning to ‘follow the Brethren,’ and a standard plea for everyone to ‘stay in the boat.’ Everyone pretty quickly gets the message,” concluded Lane, “that Brother Nicks is so afraid of whatever isn’t easy or clearly sanctioned that it must be eliminated immediately.”

Students also report that Brother Nicks’ fear of difficult issues can emerge at any time. Melissa Carr recalled that one class, while talking about the woman caught in adultery, a visitor asked Brother Nicks how he resolved the fact that the story does not appear in the earliest Bible manuscripts nor is it mentioned by early Christian writers who had access to even earlier manuscripts than we have. Carr said that “we all looked on in stunned surprise, worried because Brother Nicks had no idea about Biblical scholarship or manuscripts.” She said that, “we were afraid that this could lead to a faith-destroying crisis for a man who clearly could not think outside the manual, when suddenly, like a miracle, Daniel Dexter just started to laugh, and then we all laughed, and in doing so we finally convinced Brother Nicks that we were pulling a prank on him. Let me just say,” said Carr, “we could have lost our weak-testimonied teacher forever right there!”

Dexter, Carr, Lane, and others all mentioned that they and other class members often meet during the week or chat online to discuss their readings of books like Rough Stone Rolling, The Crucible of Doubt, or issues of Dialogue. Such discussions give them a way to share ideas and encourage one another as they learn to develop a deeper faith while honoring and using concerns, doubts, and new knowledge to strengthen that faith.

When asked what they get out of Institute, Carr said “we mostly just go to socialize, oh, and sometimes there’s pizza.”

“CHERIBUM AND A GLOWING LIGHTSABER”—RECENTLY RETURNED MISSIONARY LIVENS UP PRIMARY CLASS

Chula Vista, CA—Recently returned missionary Elder Arnold Cunningham has become very popular with his Valiant 11 class, particularly with his knack for livening up lessons.

“It made a lot more sense to me,” said Micha Osborne, “when he explained that the angel had a glowing lightsaber to keep Adam and Eve from sneaking back into the garden.” Added Osborne, “oh and when he said that Adam and Eve leaving the garden was like when Obi-Wan Kenobi died, and how it was bad at the time but it ended up being for good—that explained it all.”

Comparisons with Star Wars are not the only ways that Arnold has made the gospel easier to understand. One Sunday the class used Cunningham’s Minecraft account and a projector to build the boats used by Noah, the Brother of Jared, and Nephi as well as Solomon’s temple and Jonah’s hut outside of Nineveh. He also promised his class that if they “sang out” during the Primary program then as a class they could “build the entire Salt Lake Temple out of diamond ore.”

Not all of the teachers seem as excited as the kids are about how Arnold is getting the children interested in each lesson. Said one teacher, “well, I’m just not sure if the debate between Jesus and the Pharisees should be reenacted with Yugioh cards or whatever he was doing. It just seemed odd to me,” continued that teacher, “that when Jesus wrote in the sand that was Him played His ‘trap card.’”

Sister Natalie Belmont, Primary President of the Chula Vista Second Ward, said that she is glad that students seem to be learning. “I admit that some of what he says seems a little strange,” said Belmont, “but I can tell you that he was very, very sincere when he told his class that because of Christ everyone, no matter if they were good or bad, would one day respawn.”

NEW MTE SPONSOR: SONS OF SAMUEL HELPS SEMINARY PRESIDENTS, RMS, BYU ROOMMATES

Salt Lake City, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is proud to announce a new corporate sponsor, The Sons of Samuel.

The Sons of Samuel dedicates itself to helping people overcome their judgmental and self-righteous tendencies. Where other groups might help other sinful young men, this group uses a “Knights of Faith” approach to help and encourage seminary presidents, recently returned and still struggling missionaries, and BYU (any campus) roommates fight against the demon that assails them.

Led by people who have become comfortable with ambiguity, some of whom have seen Schindler’s List and other non-disqualifying R-rated movies, they practice completely unfamiliar tolerance and compassionate habits to conquer the tendency to use their own perceived righteousness as the standard by which they judge others.

Participants learn strategies that the adversary will use against them like believing that absolute obedience to every rule can legitimately replace faith, mercy, or empathy. This program is ideal for helping young people prepare to interact with actual flawed children of God.

The program has a long, successful record of working with the most self-righteous saints. As one graduate put it, “For too long Satan held dominion over my life, and I mistook his influence for God. I could so clearly see the sinfulness of those around me, with their tattoos, sexual jokes, coffee, and colored shirts to pass the sacrament. I felt that I was really the only one going to the Celestial Kingdom, and figured I’d be killed on the streets of Jerusalem once I got called on my mission. The Sons of Samuel program taught me that God didn’t really care about how many commandments I obeyed if that obedience disconnected me from those around me.  My judgment trumped my compassion, but now I’m learning to see, as God does, on the heart, not on the Starbuck’s cup.”

The Sons of Samuel is the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer’s most recent corporate sponsor. Zion’s finest news source considered sponsorship from other groups, including the Sons of Abinadi (a program that works with those who struggle with pyromania) and the Sons of Samuel the Lamanite (a program that works with those who struggle with doing missionary work by shouting from walls and (too often erroneously) believe they are invincible), but those negotiations fell through. 

Other sponsors include The Straight and Narrow HealthGroup of Mapleton Utah, Deseret Book, and BYU's Football/Mixed Martial Arts/Fight Club program.