Salt Lake City, UT—In a move obvious to everyone who has cried repentance unto the saints in Utah, Heaven has finally unleashed its wrath upon that state as clearly evidenced by the Supreme Court’s refusal to review lower court decisions and thereby legalizing same-sex marriage just one day after the Church’s General Conference.
“Well, I just think that Heaven couldn’t be clearer,” said sister Jordan Peterson of West Valley City, Utah. “Oh, that we had repented,” continued Peterson, “but, yea, as we have sown filthiness, we will now reap the whirlwind in the form of loving same-sex couples working up elaborate proposals in Home Depot and committing themselves publicly to lives of loving devotion as a punishment for all of Utah’s faithless Mormons!”
Peterson was not alone in her weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. LaVernal Smoot of Saint George noted that “we’ve been warned and forewarned, but apparently we’ve neglected to warn our neighbors and now we will drink the dregs of the cup of Heaven’s wrath with the harrowing sight of two clearly happy, joyously content people willing to make any sacrifice to make the other one the best person he or she can be.” Added Smoot, “frankly this iniquitous door was cracked open when we let single worthy women go to the temple without a husband and then when those liberals in Salt Lake legalized Starbucks, so it’s no wonder we’re gonna end up with Pottery Barn gift registries and mountain sunset weddings instead of crock pots from Walmart and cultural hall receptions like Heaven wants!”
Not everyone saw the Supreme Court’s decision as a sign of divine displeasure, and Jon McNaughton is probably right now painting those people burning in hell in the hope that Heaven will somehow forgive Utah and bring back the “the good old days” when it was always only one man and one woman forever blissfully happy with no exceptions (except, of course, for when it wasn’t).