National Report on LDS Religion Shocking, Soporific

Lutheran Pastor Gregory McLaren uncovers the dark secrets of Mormonism.

By Amy Chamberlain

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—A consortium of highly-respected theologians, pastors, and other religious leaders from around the country released a ground-breaking report this week revealing “the real LDS Church”—the mysterious parts of Mormonism that lurk in shadow.

Titled “An Analysis of the Social, Political, and Theological Deviations of Latter-Day Saints,” the report is the culmination of six months of exhaustive, in-depth study by more than two hundred religious experts who embedded themselves in wards and branches throughout the country trying to uncover the hidden aspects of a religion that has polarized American opinion for more than 150 years

The results are shocking.

“Basically, it’s the most boring thing ever,” says Max Rubin Cohen, a professor of early American religion at Princeton University. “I mean, I thought being a Jew was a drag, with all the wailing and moaning about our 5,000 years of bad luck. But when I was a boy going to synagogue, at least I never had to endure a High Priest talking for twenty-five minutes about the glories of food storage.”

“Please let me go home now,” says Lutheran pastor Gregory L. McLaren from Wisconsin. “If I have to go to one more ward “potato bar” dinner and eat ranch dressing with extra-extra-mild cheddar cheese, I may shoot myself. Have these people never heard of hot sauce? Or at least cumin? I’m from the Midwest, and even my childhood food was not this bland.”

Universal Unitarian minister Kelly Chen says that her foray into LDS life raises more questions than it answers. “This is the religion that’s causing all the political furor?” she asks. “Really? The one where the women meet once a month to discuss how to decorate their homes with vinyl lettering?”

“REALLY?” she adds.

In response to the report, Church spokesman F. DeVonn Quackenbush released this statement: “We regret to learn that our visitors did not enjoy the wholesome, budget-friendly food and recreation that their host wards provided. We urge them to keep coming to church regularly; there are dark, mysterious, and peculiar practices within the LDS sphere that they just haven’t encountered yet. We promise. Keep coming and eventually we’ll let you in on all the juicy stuff.” 

Sacrament Meeting Translator Takes Nephi's Advice

By Barely B. Bratt

ORLANDO, FL—Orlando 2^nd Ward Spanish translator Kristine Marcesan has again taken Nephi’s advice.

The need to employ this advice resulted from Brother Kenneth Hall’s recent sacrament talk.  As Brother Hall began by addressing Oliver Cowdery’s “rod of nature” before delving into Jewish burial practices, and concluding with his interpretation of “Zarahemla-ish” hieroglyphs on Aztec temples, Marcesan felt the need to restructure his talk to focus on his assigned topic of fast offerings.

“Nephi has saved me a number of times,” Marcesan has admitted to her visiting teachers when they have asked her about her calling as sacrament meeting translator, “especially when high council speakers come. I just keep reminding myself: ‘Plain and precious. Plain and precious.’”

When asked about Brother Hall’s talk, Brother Alvaréz, a recent immigrant from Chile, noted that during the talk he whispered to his wife, “I enjoy Brother Hall’s simple message of how faith and sacrifice come together when we pay our fast offerings.  It’s nice how he keeps coming back to those three main ideas over and over again.” 

“Yes,” Sister Alvaréz affirmed, “I do enjoy hearing the gospel in its simple purity. But it does seem to require a lot more English words to say the same thing in Spanish.” 

“And have you ever noticed,” Brother Alvaréz remarked, “how sometimes Sister Marcesan seems to be chanting to herself during the talks?”

Sister Alvaréz, nodding her head in recognition replied, “Sometimes it sounds like she is saying, ‘Cut off his head. Cut off his head.’ But I can’t be sure—my English is not so good.”

Snapshot: How has the zombie uprising affected your ward?

Ward choir sounding much better.

More than just Cheerios mashed between pew cushions.

Intellectuals no longer a danger to the Church.

High priest class getting really big.

Many members happy to follow the prophet, eat his brains.

Greeters slightly more enthused.

Same number of mumbled testimonies.

Likely that we’ll trek back to Missouri using zombie-drawn handcarts. 

Everyone brings their own refreshments.

New Revelation Has Nothing to Do with Romney. Nothing

God thinks dogs at 55 miles per hour are totally adorable.

Staff Report

SALT LAKE CITY—In a press conference this morning, LDS Church spokesman Ken Roberts made the surprise announcement that a new revelation had been received.  

The communication focuses on the new doctrine that dogs are "totally OK" with riding for long distances while strapped to the roof of a car.  

"Yea, and behold," the preliminary text reads in part, "verily, I did create the dog, after all, in all its many forms, breeds, and kinds, so if anyone knoweth what they like, I wouldst think that I wouldst. So thou canst totally trust me when I tell thee that the hound, yea, which I hast made as a companion to thee, is completely down with riding on the roofs of thine devices of motion. Yea, even if it's for, say, a few hundred miles. I promise thee."

Spokesman Roberts acknowledged the unusual nature of the divine communication.  "We were as surprised as you were," he stated, "especially given the Church's well-known stance of political neutrality. Wait. What? Why did I say that? Ha ha. I can't see that this has anything to do with politics. That was odd. Must have been the Spirit."

Church leaders will present the revelation at the next General Conference for a vote to have it acknowledged as canonical scripture. "Luckily," said Roberts, "Conference is really close to November, so it will be fresh in peoples' minds. Wait, sorry—what does that have to do with anything?  What is my deal today?"

Additional portions to the revelation include: "Wherefore, is this not like in the days of your fathers?  Verily, did not the children of Israel carry their dogs in such a manner?  And if a man findeth his lost sheep or sheepdog, doth he not place it on his shoulders or bungee it to the luggage rack, that it may be carried to safety?"

Roberts added that other scriptural clarifications may come between "now and Nove . . . I mean, October."  One of those could include the following addition to Mark 7:28: "And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs when, Lord, those selfsame dogs are not enjoying fresh air at 55 miles per hour."

LDS PROFESSOR CONSIDERED "NUT JOB" WHEREVER HE GOES

Stuckley accidentally exposes his gospel doctrine class 
to the philosophies of men.

By Barley B. Bratt

FULLERTON, CA—Tanner Stuckley, literature professor at Cal State Fullerton and member of the Fullerton 3rd Ward, reports that everywhere he goes he is considered a “nut job.” 

Professor Stuckley’s teaching evaluations reflect substantial resistance on the part of his students to his religious affiliation, especially in light of Proposition 8. On a recent evaluation, one student commented, “He’s a nice enough guy—I mean, Mormons are really into ‘nice’ and s*** like that, but you can tell that behind that fascade (sic) is a rights-stealing homophobe, a Limbaugh-lovin’, willfully-blind flag waver, and a breeder of little smiling Borg! He did return our tests promptly, though.” 

Some of Stuckley’s colleagues seem to harbor similar views. In a confidential memo about Stuckley’s qualifications to lead the honors program, one faculty commented, “Stuckley does have family in Idaho, and we all know who was born in Idaho—modernist poet and fascist Ezra Pound.”

At church, Stuckley is considered a very different “nut job.” Stuckley’s wife has overheard a number of ward members comment about his use of an iPad during gospel doctrine class. One member commented that “he probably uses it to look up liberal philosophies of men to mix with the scriptures.” Another added member, “Yeah, like social justice, socialized healthcare, and, um, ethical relativistic positivism.” 

“He probably doesn’t even have the scriptures on it,” another member asserted. “It probably just has Clinton’s autobiography, Harry Reid’s speeches, and Sunstone.” 

Stuckley himself notes that he learned a long time ago not to mention that he works in the liberal arts department. “The one time I made that mistake,” he points out, “you’d have thought that I just said it was okay for the government to take its citizen’s automatic weapons, allow undocumented people to live here in peace, and grant rights gay people. But, they do seem to think that I somehow make a good ward mission leader.” 

Luckily for Stuckley, in spite of being considered a right-wing nut job at work and a left-wing nut job at church, within the confines of his own home—and especially with his two teenage daughters and one teenage son—he is cherished as a moderate and lovable nut job.

SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS RATING SYSTEM PROPOSED

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer presents the Sunday school class rating system, designed to help you get the most out of your Sabbath. The system will be implemented Church-wide as soon as we can get it approved by the Salt Lake correlation committee.

GT = Guilt Trip: Class members likely to be raked over coals related to issues such as home teaching, family history, temple attendance, fast offerings, what you feed your children, and your television-watching habits. To be sure, you really do need to be reminded of all the people who will not want to shake your hand in the post-mortal sphere.

S = Spiritchal: Appropriate for all but the saccharine-intolerant.

L = Learned: May contain gratuitous Hugh Nibley quotes, graduate school references, and vaguely British accents. Remember to bring along the current issue of the Journal of Mormon History.

E = Engaged: Warning! The teacher will assume that you actually read and prepared and will attempt to engage the class in a thoughtful, spiritual discussion.  

PDSM = Prepared during Sacrament Meeting. 

R = Recycled: Contains almost 100 percent recycled content. Please find a way to reuse the strips of paper with quotes on them.

M = Missionaries: Yes, they have been set apart, but, still they are, at best, in their early 20's and may or may not have any idea what they are talking about.

A = Apocalyptic: May contain graphic descriptions of world's horrors, including but not limited to porn, video games, Democratic presidents, public school teachers, and Hannah Montana. Teacher is willing to give you good deal on gold bullion.

Q = Quiet:  This instructor is not afraid of quiet.  Eventually, the nervous chatterboxes in the class will run out of steam leaving thoughtful but shy people room to comment. May contain actual learning.

BRM = Bruce R. McConkie will be the only general authority cited in the lesson—and indeed, in any lesson this teacher gives. Quotes from Ezra Taft Benson and Joseph Fielding Smith will be tolerated.

Johnson Family “Blessings” Almost More than Ward Can Receive

A heavenly waterfall of blessings pummels the 15th ward chapel.

By Barley B. Bratt

POCATELLO, ID—According to recent reports, the entire Pocatello West 15^th Ward finds itself almost “overwhelmingly” blessed by the Johnson family.   

Bishop Randy Foster notes that he seems to talk about this family during every Priesthood Committee meeting, often to summarize his almost weekly meetings with at least one family member.  Such meetings began soon after Bishop Foster was called in 2008. Foster recalls productive early meetings with the Johnson's, including the time he helped sooth their confusion over Mindy Martins’ braces by differentiating orthodontics from “getting a tattoo.”  

Bishop Foster also reports his renewed understanding of hope after he persuaded David and Christine Johnson against naming their 6^th son Beelzebub Johnson, even though the parents, “had a really bad feeling about that kid.”  

Smiling and shaking his head, Bishop Foster recalls the week that the ward provided meals for the remaining Johnson family after David had felt compelled to drive to Missouri. “I was a little surprised that David left," Foster recalls, "I had thought we had made it clear that there had been no memos from Salt Lake indicating that 2^nd counselors in all ward Sunday School presidencies were to report to Adam-ondi-Ahmen to return their keys. But you know David—when the Spirit tells him to jump, he’s already 8 feet in the air and trying to go higher.” 

Brother Johnson’s zeal has been the source of countless blessings for many others in the ward as well.  Peter Listig, 2^nd counselor in the bishopric, noted that “Brother Johnson has given me numerous opportunities to pray for patience. I remember when I had to take away his Sunday School monthly bell-ringing privileges after he tried to tap out all of ‘I Believe In Christ.’ It was a moving rendition, but I found that the Lord really helped me ease brother Johnson into the idea of humming, quietly, while collecting rolls instead of ringing the bell.”    

Sister Johnson’s unique brand of service has also called forth blessings. Her Relief Society mini-class on "tatting your own lingerie"—an idea she had found on what she called a “properly correlated church website"—gave the high priest group and elders quorum a chance to discuss unrighteous dominion after many priesthood holders attempted to force, manipulate, or coerce their wives into attending.  

Ward auxiliary leaders also remark on how the Johnson children have provided opportunities to learn patience, pure love, basic weapons skills, an understanding of the “inspired Founding Father’s original and pure intent,” and more patience.  

“We just love Deborah, Naomi, and Rubella,” reported Young Women’s president Vanessa Martin. “They certainly keep us on our toes about the importance of bomb shelters and how much the Lord hates even one hickey, but I don’t think that they understand that Nephi didn’t get his ideas from Glenn Beck. We’re still working on that one.”  

Sister Polk, 1^st counselor in the Primary presidency, when asked about the Johnson children, could only smile above her sudden twitching and report, in a flat, uninflected manner, “They are some of our strongest singers.” She then moved woodenly down the hall, past the room reserved just for the Johnson triplets, a nursery that is reportedly manned by a team of five highly trained professionals.

The entire ward council has noted how much they have learned about the gospel and the church handbooks from their work with the Johnsons.  

“I’ll tell you,” remarked Relief Society 1^st counselor Nichole Hayes, “it is good to really search out and know that there are no current authoritative statements about a secret vault in the hill Cumorah, about how many wives righteous men will have in the Celestial Kingdom, and about what is appropriate intimacy for married people.” Sister Hayes concluded, to the affirming nods of others, that “it would be good if a more recent conference talk would address devil worship in Harry Potter and the whole face card problem. I know that the Johnson's would love to see those difficult issues cleared up.” 

Snapshot: What are the LDS employment specialists telling us to do?

• Take heart in the knowledge that, like you, Jesus was also a slacker . . . er, unemployed.

• Catch up on Breaking Bad—might give you some ideas.

• Start yet another porn addiction recovery program for Mormons.

• Get that degree in feminist theology you've always wanted.

 

• Take up a time-honored Mormon profession like accounting, software development, or Ponzi schemes.

• Have another baby.

 

• Start computer program in garage; invent paradigm-changing operating system; make billions.

• Run for president.

• Hang out at preschool playgrounds, day after day, until someone there hires you (can also try after-school cheer leading practice sessions).

• Blog

• Repent of the grievous sins you must have committed to have so obviously not prospered in the land.

• Go ahead and invest that money in Nigeria; those emails are really your only chance at this point