AREA YOUNG MEN PICK UP CUTE GIRLS AT BEST FRIEND’S FUNERAL

Friends Some Time Before Gary's Death

PORTLAND, OR—Area young men Stephen Folds and Eric Johnson, attending the funeral of their close friend Gary Hall, picked up several very attractive young women. “It wasn’t really our plan,” said Folds, “it just turned out that Gary had lots of cute friends he had met at BYU.” Folds’ friend Johnson added that “Gary’s friends who don’t live here in Portland wanted to know about the last months of his life. We started to talk about it, but we were sort of disruptive at the funeral.” The young men decided to continue their conversation with their deceased friend Gary’s attractive female friends, inviting them to go out to get pizza. After dinner, when the young men were returning to their respective homes, Johnson commented to Folds that they had picked up cute girls at their best friend’s funeral, and both agreed that Gary would have wanted it that way.

MASKED, CROSS-DRESSING ELDERS QUORUM PRESIDENT AT TRUNK-OR-TREAT CLEARLY TRYING TO GET RELEASED

President Lynch may have sung "These are a few of my
Favorite Things" as he assembled his costume.

GLENDALE, CA—When Matt Lynch showed up at the Glendale 2nd ward’s annual trunk-or-treat Halloween event wearing a Grim Reaper mask and dressed as a woman, many took it as a clear sign that he was trying to get released as the ward’s Elders Quorum president.

“Yah, I guess I should have seen this coming,” reported Glendale 2nd ward bishop Edward Gibbs. “President Lynch has had a lot on his plate, so that horrifying white mask and black leather mini-skirt gave a pretty clear sense that he’d like someone to rethink his current church assignment.”

Unlike the confused and terrified children who approached the Lynch’s Toyota Sienna in search of free candy bars or M&Ms, Lynch’s wife Renee also seemed much less surprised by his costume. Renee explained that “I had seen Matt becoming somewhat distant. He was also storing away an extra can of my hairspray and had hidden my favorite semi-sheer fuchsia blouse. I figured it might be for something like this.” 

Sister Lynch then added, “well at least he just put on my gold stilettos” pointing out that “he would have tried to wear my black leather riding boots if he had known where they are.” 

While most ward members responded with shock and horror to President Lynch’s hairy thighs barely covered by a skirt that looked to be several cows too small, Lynch’s wife and Bishop were not the only ones who almost seemed to anticipate such a clear call for help. Lynch’s first counselor, Brother Pete Ricks, said that “the Quorum presidency saw [President Lynch] struggling to keep it together. Frankly, we were glad that we stopped him from setting off fireworks in the chapel last Fourth of July.”

Ricks continued, “the fact that he made it to October is pretty incredible, seeing that home teaching is about 11% and most weeks the Quorum instructor doesn’t show up. It is enough to send anyone looking for magenta eye shadow and violet fingernail polish.” Brother Rick’s final comment was, “Oh, and based on that nail polish and eye shadow, I think [President Lynch] might be colorblind, or at least I hope he is.”

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PRESIDENT SAMUELSON SMITES COKE TRUCK WITH ROD, CHANGES ALL PRODUCTS TO CAFFEINE FREE

Actual Photograph of Recent Miracle

PROVO, UT—In a miraculous move that saved Brigham Young University from yet another potentially iniquitous embarrassment, President Samuelson smote an approaching Coke truck with a rod, causing only caffeine free products to emerge.

“We surely have a leader like unto Moses,” said BYU student Daniela Gore. “We saw the chaos and moral decay poured out upon our campus so recently,” continued Gore, “so when I saw him with that rod, I knew that an inspired leader had been raised up to protect us all.”

Brianna Melling from the Office of Naked Shoulder and Caffeine Wickedness Prevention was also relieved. “These last few weeks have been dark ones in this office,” said Melling. “After that Satanic infiltration—oh, I don’t even want to think about it—well, there have been some changes in this office.  Let’s just say that the heads have already started to roll.”

Melling noted that President Samuelson had entrusted judges of 100 and judges of 50 to handle most campus-wide problems, but that from now on he would personally examine each approaching Coke vehicle armed with a staff. Melling tearfully concluded, “whether that staff is parting the Red Sea or keeping us from drowning in a sea of caffeinated sin, I sleep better at night knowing that the Lord has entrusted it to those who lead His university.”     

CHURCH WARNS MISSIONARIES ABOUT EMAIL FROM NIGERIAN PRINCESS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The church has issued an urgent warning to all missionaries to be on guard against an email scam. The scammer, posing as a Nigerian princess, apparently attempts to exploit the trusting and hopeful nature of most missionaries to acquire sensitive information.

Below the transcript of the concerning email:

I am a Nigerian princess and I am in desperate need of someone who can teach me about how I can go to your heaven. I do not want to rot in some spirit prison, waiting for my no-good descendants to finally get me help. I will deposit $30,000,000.00 in genuine moneys into your bank account. Just send me the account number, the routing number, your social security number, date of birth, credit card number, security code, cell phone number, mother’s favorite teacher’s cat’s name, city of birth, names of siblings, blood type, emails of 5 friends who would also be interested in this exciting offer, and approximately when and how many hours your companion sleeps every night. I will send you money todays, and then I will send you my address so that you can come and teach me and the 8 other Nigerian princesses that live with me and our children. We have 42 children and they are all 9 years old. Please do not deny us the blessings of your gospel church and please send the requested information now so that we can all get much blessings.

Urgently,

Princess of Nigeria

This is not the first time that the church has warned missionaries about scams like this. Several years ago the church warned missionaries about a scam that asked them to send money to support a struggling former church authority. The leader had supposedly played Major League baseball and was a World War II veteran who had been miraculously saved in tense combat. Scammers sent out letters asking missionaries for donations with the slogan, “With your help he’s not Dunn yet!”

UNBORN BABY JUST MIGHT WANT TO BE ADOPTED

KAITLYN’S WOMB—I recently overheard a conversation between Kaitlyn, my mom, and some possible adoptive parents through LDS Family Services, and I really hope that Kaitlyn lets them adopt me.  Don’t get me wrong; Kaitlyn is wonderful and I’m glad she is taking good care of me, but I’ve got to say that I think going with the other parents sounds wonderful too.

What can I say about how magnificent Kaitlyn is?  She is great, and no matter what, she will be a great mom.  She obviously loves me very much.  She doesn’t do anything that would harm me as I grow.  Of course she gets nervous and afraid.  I can tell because that is when she eats a carton of vanilla birthday cake flavored ice cream and an entire Yosemite National Forest worth of gummy bears. 

Kaitlyn loves music, and that will be nice.  But it sounds like my possible adoptive mother, Amanda Skinner, is an accomplished violinist.  Which is to say—Katilyn, I’m lovin’ the Beiber, but maybe some classical music and some lessons at home would be nice as well.

I know I cannot ask Kaitlyn to do for me what the Skinners could do.  Sure, I can listen in while Kaitlyn practices her Spanish II homework, but Seth Skinner learned Spanish on his mission to Costa Rica, so he could teach me.  And even Kaitlyn would say that Seth will be so much of a better dad than Dylan could ever be, especially since he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kaitlyn and me. (Of course Dylan does have that great hair, and we can see a lot of Seth’s skull.)

Seth Skinner apparently has a good job and so does Amanda, so it will be easier for them in some ways to raise me.  I know that Kaitlyn will do all that she can, and her mother and grandmother will help out.  I am not really excited about Kaitlyn’s friends watching me.  Her friend Ashlee has cracked the glass on three smartphones in the last 6 months, so she just doesn’t sound all that reliable to me.  And even if I am walking by then, I don’t want them to dress me all up and take me to prom. 

Kaitlyn is very brave.  She kept me after Dylan tried to get her to not have me.  She told everyone on her cheer squad and at church, and apparently some people have not been very nice.  I know that Kaitlyn cries a lot because of how people make her feel.  But I also heard that the Skinners have been praying and fasting for a long time for God to bless them with a child.  I could never ask her myself, but maybe Kaitlyn could do one more brave thing and let the Skinners adopt me. Whatever she does, I thank God for my birth mother Kaitlyn.

TIME TRAVELLING MOSES MAHLANGU FINDS COMFORT IN ELDER UCHTDORF’S 2013 CONFERENCE ADDRESS

Elder Uchdorf may have had a larger
audience than he thought

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has received evidence that time travel technology allowed Moses Mahlangu to find comfort in Elder Uchtdorf’s 2013 conference address. Moses Mahlangu, an African saint who’s story was mentioned in the first session of the October, 2013 General Conference by Elder Ulisses Soares, faced painful challenges, yet it seems that he found inspiration from a talk given several decades later.

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer has found evidence of Moses Mahlungu’s time travel in the pages of his journal. Key pages date from the late 70’s and early 80’s. At that time, Brother Mahlangu could not attend church services in the building, but faithfully listened to the meetings via a window opened precisely for that purpose.

The journal pages recount the agonizing despair that Moses Mahlangu felt at that time. In one entry he mentions how “today one of the talks was about how all are equal to a loving God, and it was so difficult for me, because sometimes I feel like a second-class citizen.” The entry then added, “how is the Lord no respecter of persons yet those who claim to follow God treat me as less than them?”

It is precisely during the time when these messages are strongest and most heartbreaking that Moses Mahlangu describes traveling to the future “in a silver car with the doors going up like gull wings.” He elaborates that there was a “crazy-looking driver, with wild gray hair” who took him to a large building. In the building, Brother Mahlangu found a man with “seemingly perfect gray hear, speaking with love and power.”

 

Of this man’s talk, Brother Mahlangu wrote, “at first I was surprised, since it was unusual for me to hear a man with a German accent speak with such compassion and love.” Brother Mahlangu continued, “I felt so strongly the influence of the Holy Spirit as he spoke, and when he mentioned that there are times when leaders and members make mistakes, I felt such relief.”

 

In the same entry, Brother Mahlangu said that “I had such an outpouring of peace when he acknowledged that there may have been things said and done that were not in harmony with the church’s values, principles, and doctrine.”  “By the end,” reported Mahlangu, “I felt the desire to bring my talents and my differences to the Church, and to bring them fully if the day ever comes that I could give them completely.”

Brother Mahlangu seems to have never reported his time travel to others. His journal only notes that, “we had to return early from the weird trip since the guy had to pick up some kid and take him to the past or present or something, so I only heard one speaker.” As a final note Brother Mahlangu said, “the church meeting that I visited in the future was wonderful, but I wonder who the other speakers were and what they talked about?”

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SATAN STILL DISAPPOINTED BY LOSS OF SINGLE PROVO MTC SUCCESS: TREE OF LIFE SHOWERS

“Tree of Life” Shower

HADES—Though never one to dwell on the past—getting kicked out of heaven, missing out on a body, not letting Robin Thicke convert to Mormonism and then perform for the VMA’s—the Father of Lies is still disappointed that he let slip his minor Provo Missionary Training Center success: the “Tree of Life” showers.

While it has been years since all of the MTC showers were converted to private facilities, the Prince of Darkness still holds fond memories of valiant servants of God wracked by the guilt, shame, and embarrassment experienced in the former facilities.

“Yah, you know there was nothing like the anxiety and panic that at least distracted those detested young men when 6 of them all had to shower together in a circle,” reported the Old Serpent.  “That missionary--he might be mastering German and half way through the Book of Mormon—but at least I knew that his daily wash ritual would make him feel awkward and humiliated.” 

Lucifer's Original Design for MTC Showers

When talking about the showers, called the “tree of life” for how 6 shower heads would emerge from the top of one vertical plumbing unit, the Great Dragon revealed how they got there in the first place.  He said that, “well, we had some people on the inside for that one, a few contractors and a plumber from Tennessee who we tempted with some sweet tea and then told him that if he didn’t do our bidding then we would send Payton Manning back to the Volunteer state.”  The plan apparently worked, and the corrupted plumber and contractors convinced others that, with the showers installed, they would be too difficult to replace.

“So they were there for years, and it was pretty great to at least have that miserable comfort as some revenge on the missionaries,” concluded the Devil. As a final comment, Lucifer noted how “now that the Tree of Life showers are gone, the next best time that we have to see these otherwise capable and confident young men completely embarrassed by their bodies is usually on the wedding night.”  

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AREA LAUREL ABOUT TO JOIN FIRST DRUG- AND ALCOHOL-FUELED ORGY STOPPED IN HER TRACKS BY MEMORY OF LAST SUNDAY’S PARTICULAR SPIRITUAL YOUNG WOMEN’S CLASS HANDOUT

Artists Rendition of Possible Handout

COLUMBIA, SC-- Area Laurel Isabel Pelley was about to indulge in her very first drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy when she was stopped in her tracks by the memory of last Sunday’s Young Women’s class handout. “I don’t know where I’d be right now, probably making some hung-over, tweaked-out walk-of-shame from Brad’s house,” reported Isabel, “if the memory of [Laurel Class Advisor] Sister Vasquez’s handout on that dusty pink paper had not flashed before my eyes.”

The young sister Pelley stated that, “Brad had been kinda pressuring me for weeks, and I had said no, but, I don’t know, I sorta didn’t want to disappoint him.” Isabel went on to explain that, “so, we were on our way, when, like a light or something, I could see in my mind the lacy border around that handout, and I just knew that I couldn’t go through with it.” 

Isabel reported that when she told Brad that she had changed her mind, “he started to get all sweet on me, sayin’ that it would be fun and that it was no big deal.” Somewhat persuaded by the young man’s pleas, Isabel indicated that “I started to listen to him, but when he spoke I could see his words in the perfect font that Sister Vasquez had used, you know, the one that looks casual but spiritual.”

“When Brad started to get a little upset,” elaborated Isabel, “I just pictured the clip-art that was at the bottom, and I just knew then and there that whiskey, meth, and sex, and all for the first time, could never take the place of spiritual things in my life, like, you know, whatever was on that handout.”

When asked about the exact content of the handout, Isabel said, “I don’t really remember--it might have been a quote by somebody or something. I think it’s in my scriptures but it might be on the floor in the van.” Unconfirmed sources indicate that the handout, like last Sunday’s lesson, most likely addressed tithing.

MISSIONARY CASTS DUST OFF FEET AGAINST TOPEKA 3RD WARD

Before and After Pictures of What Elder Kesler Imagines Will Happen

TOPEKA, KS—Elder Robert Kesler recently performed the act of casting off the dust of his feet against the Topeka 3^rd Ward.  That act, which was done last Tuesday, came after what Elder Kesler described as “the point at which the Spirit will no longer strive with this generation of vipers who pollute this the Lord’s suburban Kansas vineyard.”

Elder Kesler relayed much of the event in his weekly letter to his mission president.  He told the president that he had “warned and forewarned the slothful, iniquitous, and adulterous children of men that the sword of the Lord’s judgment hangeth over their heads, yea, the day soon cometh that the Kansas river will turn red with your blood and God will cast down your homes, churches, theaters, and Walmarts.” 

In spite of Elder Kesler’s condemnation, he appears to have been alone in concluding that “it shall be more tolerable for the heathen in the day of judgment” than this particular Midwestern ward.  Elder Kesler’s companion, Elder York, told his companion that he would “let him do the dust casting this time” and that he might “give the ward one last chance, just this once.”

Elder York’s letter to the president painted a rather different picture of the situation.  He noted that Elder Kesler had “been pretty worked up recently, even more than usual.”  He elaborated that when they were served lasagna for the third time in one week, Elder Kesler said that “he could only choke it down because the Lord had promised that His servants could consume poison and not be injured.” 

When one of the youth expressed concerns about going on a mission, Elder York noted that Elder Kesler made it clear that “such sinful doubts were exactly how Laman and Lemuel got started.”  Elder Kesler then warned the young man’s family to avoid any long car rides with him or to expect “sibling abuse, rude dancing, and becoming very, very lost.”  Elder Kesler even noted that such a son “might lead their gray hairs to a watery grave, like in the pool of some Motel 8 where they would have to stop.”

According to Elder York, the youth were not the only ones who demonstrated Topeka’s “rising tide of filth and faithlessness.”  Among other “gross sins and abomination” were the bishop’s failure to convert thousands, “even if he had to cut off a few arms to do it,” the relief society president’s failure to implement a plan wherein all compassionate service casseroles would have papers with missionary messages cooked into them, and the music director’s “heinous neglect” of “Called to Serve,” which Elder Kesler wanted to be sung at least twice during every meeting. 

Elder Kesler had gone so far as to warn what he sees as the few faithful members to watch for the fire and brimstone that “will inevitably consume both root and branch.”  When some of those members, concerned about such warnings, asked Elder York about it, Elder York told them not to worry.  Elder York explained that, after he had got up 3 minutes late one morning, he had seen Elder Kesler casting the dust off of his feet against him that evening when he thought that Elder York was asleep.  Elder York concluded that “this happened about 3 months ago, so I think we’re all good.” 

So far there have been no reports of complete annihilation in either Topeka or the other areas where Elder Kesler has served.