SPIRIT WORLD NICKNAMES

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BYUTV GETS EXCLUSIVE TELEVISION COVERAGE RIGHTS OF THE SECOND COMING

The Revelation Will be televised

PROVO, UT—BYUTV director Daniel Clark announced today that they had secured exclusive television coverage rights for the Second Coming. Clark stated that “it had been a priority for us to secure these rights, second only to the rights to Hugh Nibley’s talks and, of course, all of the BYU football games.”

Clark offered a few details about how they planned to cover the triumphal return. He explained, “we have cameras on the ready in many, many key locations.”  Clark outlined how crews are “on the ready 24-7” to get reaction shots from the First Presidency, key world leaders, and “some Miamaids from Bountiful, Utah who will be‘TOTALLY OMG BLOWN AWAY!’”

Clark also mentioned that cameras were prepared near downtown Las Vegas, San Francisco, the University of Utah, and Harry Reid’s office “just to capture the anguished weeping as well as the desperate gnashing of teeth of the wicked.” When questioned about the comments, Clark clarified that it was not “anyone in specific, just, you know, any random super wicked people who might be in the vicinity.”

When asked about the crews themselves, Clark affirmed that “of course we have our elite camera people in key roles.”  Clark elaborated that the “Red-Robe-as-if-stained-by-Lots-of-Grape-Juice group is our most important.”  “We have to have our best people,” stated Clark, “for this crew.  We cannot afford to lose a camera because someone had had Dr. Pepper in the last year or who paid tithing on the net instead of the gross.”  

STAKE PRESIDENT THREATENS TO REVOKE WARD’S “TRUE AND LIVING” STATUS

COLUMBUS, OH—Speaking at the ward conference of the Columbus, Ohio 12^th ward, Stake President Gabe Paulsen called upon members to repent or the ward would lose its “True & Living” status. President Paulsen said that the ward’s 9% home teaching rate “was on the low side,” but that the 87% visiting teaching rate was “far below the Lord’s standard.”

President Paulsen enumerated other factors that threatened to reduce the ward to the probationary “Plausible & Not Quite Dead Yet” status. “This ward is not failing in all aspects,” explained President Paulsen. “Yes, 87% of the high priests slept through their group meeting and 38% of the Gospel Doctrine lesson came from the blog “Philosophies of Men Spiced up with Scripture,” he noted, “but it is the measly 59% of Young Women lessons that dealt with the specifics of modesty that really shows this ward’s steady slide into iniquity.” 

Some visiting leaders from the stake noted that the discrepancies that President Paulsen mentioned, including a “lack of enthusiasm on the part of the Sharing Time chorister,” involved only the sisters in the 12^th ward.  Sources close to President Paulsen quietly clarified that “the sisters are really the only spiritual ones,” adding that “if the men just show up, we call it good.” 

Before leaving the ward, President Paulsen reminded them of what this drop in status might mean.  “We all know what happened to the former 8^th Ward,” said President Paulsen ominously, “and none of us, I mean none of us, wants to end up a Presbyterian!”    

RECENTLY DECEASED AREA MAN FINDS SPIRIT WORLD IS TWO LONG LINES OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HUG OR PUNCH HIM

SPIRIT WORLD—David Holiday, recently deceased latter-day saint and former member of the Portland Oregon 3^rd Stake Presidency, has found that thus far his experience of the Spirit World is mostly two almost endless lines of people who either want to hug him or punch him.

“Yah, I mean I was pretty surprised when I got here,” reported brother Holiday, “since the first thing that happened to me was some guy punched me about 4 times in the stomach and head.”  Brother Holiday explained that “it turned out that it was Dan [Peters], our old next-door neighbor, and let me tell you, he was pretty upset that I had never mentioned the gospel or even given him a pass along card.” 

Brother Holiday was equally surprised at what happened next: “this really nice lady threw her arms around me so tightly, and she was just shaking with tears of joy and gratitude.”  “When I could finally pull away a bit, I realized that I had no idea who she was,” explained Holiday.  “Well, it turned out that I had found her name when I was a 13 year-old boy scout working on my genealogy merit badge, and because of that her temple work was done.”

Just as this sister was stepping aside, Brother Holiday reported that “I was being kicked really hard in the shins by some man.”  When asked about the attack, the men explained that Brother Holiday had sat next to the man on a flight from Denver to Wichita, “but didn’t even open his mouth about the eternal blessings of families.”  The man elaborated, “I recognized him right off—Delta Airlines flight 265, seat 21b—and now that I know about the gospel, I can’t believe that he just ate his peanuts and dozed off.” 

For his part, Brother Holiday has found the experience “jarring, to say the least.”  “When I look down one line, I think ‘Oh, that must be my great-great-uncle twice removed whose temple work I did—that is going to be awesome,’ but then I notice Henry Jenkins, my best friend in middle school in the other line and I think, ‘wow, he looks pissed!’”

FOUR EXCELLENT CONFERENCE TALKS IN A ROW RAISE SUSPICIONS THAT ELDER HOLLAND IS USING PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The sheer power of Elder Holland’s four recent General Conference talks has led to suspicions that the apostle may be using performance enhancing drugs. 

Starting back in April of 2011, with “An Ensign to the Nations,” Elder Holland’s discourses have resonated with a remarkable power just at a time when one might expect his strength and skills to diminish. Said one unnamed source at Church Headquarters, “I have to admit that when I heard him talk with such power about the Holy Ghost, it did occur to me that he might be taking the [performance enhancing drug] Paraclete.”  Paraclete is known for increasing knowledge, memory, and proving soothing comfort.  The source continued, “he hit a real home run, and to be honest, I wondered if I was seeing an apostolic Mark MacGwire.”

Suspicions were further raised in October of that same year and again in April of 2012.  Commented one church insider, “When he was the lead-off speaker at the Priesthood session and then ended by calling for a stronger and more devoted voice and finished with ‘Haste to the battle, quick to the field,’ I could picture a spiritual Lance Armstrong.  I hope that what was true about Lance isn’t true about Elder Holland.”

“Well, the October 2012 talk really had many wondering,” reported a third source.  “Elder Holland’s amazing insights into what the Savior’s early apostles experienced and his nonscriptural elaborations left some wondered if he had special scriptures from BALCO or about his recent ‘missionary visits’ with Barry Bonds and Jose Canseco.” 

Another key source, who did not want to be identified, stated that he thought that it was “wonderful that an apostle could have power like a majestic 747 lifting above the earth and soaring where only the eagles roam.”  Unconfirmed reports have also emerged that that source may have used floral organic stimulants to reverse geriatric amnesia. 

GENERAL AUTHORITY VALENTINES

CHURCH ANNOUNCES NEW NURSERY POSTER

Salt Lake City, UT—The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled a new poster that will feature prominently in all nurseries of the church.  The poster will allow nursery-aged children to read a quote that Parley P. Pratt recorded as Joseph Smith’s response to law enforcement officials at the jail in Richmond, Missouri.  Rosemary M. Wixom, Primary General President, expressed her hope that the poster will “not only pique their nascent interest in church history, but it may also encourage greater reverence on the part of nursery children.” 

MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER INTRODUCES NEW CORPORATE SPONSOR—STRAIGHT AND NARROW HEALTHGROUP OF MAPLETON

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is proud to welcome our latest corporate sponsor, the Straight and Narrow HealthGroup of Mapleton, Utah. Straight and Narrow offers many healthcare services, including board certified chiropractors, LDS Pioneer-themed weight loss/trek preparation programs, and veterinary orthodontrics.

Paul Grontes, head of the center’s chiropractic area, said that they are thrilled to lend their support to Zion’s finest news source.  When asked about Straight and Narrow, Grotnes said, “our chiropractors don’t just heal bodies, we help those who might ‘turn back’ when they suffer afflictions, like the sons of Mosiah almost did.”  Grotnes continued that, “good chiropractic care is like repentance—both eliminate stiffneckedness.” 

Straight and Narrow’s weight loss/trek preparation program specializes in using the LDS heritage to give you the best body possible.  Denise Kesey, the program’s director, explained that “with as little as six weeks, we can give you the sort of toned Eliza R. Snow abs that will make you the talk of the young women (and the young men) at your upcoming trek.”  “No out-of-breath or possible heart attack for those brethren either,” added Kesey, “and you won’t end up in the back of some wagon or SUV, lifting your head to tell people you want to eat at Arby’s by saying ‘this is the right place, please park!’” 

Unique to the Wasatch Front is the center’s top flight veterinary orthodontrics program.  Dr. Jane Collins, who heads this area, explained that those who love their pets “appreciate that Utah now has a full service center that can treat everything from your hamster’s overbite to that nasty gap in your German Shepherd’s pearly whites.”  Dr. Collins added, “Oh I’ve seen people at the Salt Lake City farmer’s market just ecstatic when they learned that we offer the latest Invisalign clear cat braces.” 

The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is glad for the generous support of a center that, whether it is your back, your hips, or you beloved poodle’s teeth, keeps everything straight and narrow.

AREA ELDERS QUORUM PRESIDENCY HAS FANTASY HOME TEACHER LEAGUE

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—In order to motivate themselves, the presidency of the Flagstaff 5^th ward has a secret Fantasy Home Teacher league.  According to the quorum president David Green, “we starting doing the league just after we were called in early 2012 and it sort of helps us to keep better quorum statistics, stay motivated, compete against each other, and trash talk while doing our callings.”

President Green came up with the idea, and quorum secretary, Jeremy Lynch, who has some computer programming skills, set up the electronic league.  “Yah, we can make roster changes and everything, thanks to Lynch,” reported second counselor Daniel Utley.  “Last month,” continued Utley, “I benched (home teaching companions) Rust and York, and that turned out to be brilliant.  They didn’t do a thing!” 

The league has had several modifications since its inception.  “What we do now,” explained first counselor Greg Sherwood, “is that you have to do the home teaching interviews for your team, that way you know who home taught and who didn’t.  And of course, you make sure to do those interviews and to let them know that there is a warm place in hell for someone who just makes a call or tries to count posting something on Facebook as a visit.” 

Another early change was the Presidency Multiplier or “PM.”  “(President David) Green came up with the PM, which means that if a member of the presidency visits all of his families, he gets one point, but if he doesn’t, he gets zero points.  His team points are multiplied by that total, so he gets no points if he doesn’t do his visits,” explained Brother Utley.  Utley added, “so, yah, I’m usually done by the 10^th, at the latest.” 

“We have tried all sorts of strategies,” remarked Lynch.  “I drafted a newly returned missionary and put him with a guy on my bench, but that only paid off for three months, and then he went back to the Czech Republic to marry some girl he had baptized.”  When asked about his companion, Lynch lamented that “he went right back to the bench,” adding, that “he is sort of the Mark Sanchez of home teachers.”

When asked why the presidency was willing to go on the record about their secret league, they laughingly remarked that “nobody reads blogs” and that “the only way it could reach fewer people is if it were published in an academic journal or part of the privacy statement for the church’s scripture app.”

EVEN SATAN RETHINKING SUPPORT FOR NRA

Even Before Fall, Satan Close to NRA

GEHENNA—A series of internal emails reveals that even Lucifer is reconsidering his support for the National Rifle Association. In these emails, obtained by The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, several advisors close to the Prince of Darkness stated that “the Father of All Lies naturally supports [the NRA’s] goals, but we are into evil, not *** **** [guano] crazy.”

The emails did not include proper names, and so far efforts to pinpoint exactly who the correspondents might be have been futile.  Two key writers on the issue include one identified only as “His Great Shining-Headed Dark Lord Rove” and one called “His Seething Evilness LaPierre.”

Those emails typically praised the organization’s high accomplishments among Mormons, including “paranoia, the fear of different ideas, strife, and the linking of free agency with the right to carry an assault rifle” as well as foisting on Mormons “the principle of storing wheat and storing ammunition.”  Also praised was the NRA’s “commendable duplicity,” “perverse approach to logic,” and deployment of those with “Mitt-like hair.” 

In spite of this praise, the emails expressed grave concerns, the most important of which was the violation of “The Beelzebub Standard.”  As described in the emails, this standard, known simply as “The BS,” sets limits on how far one can lie without risking a complete loss of credibility. In a particularly pointed missive, one assistant to the Devil said that “saying that the NRA is trying to make people safe” goes far beyond the “limits set by The BS.”  The writer clarified that the most egregious lies permitted by “The BS” include “Assad is the President of Just and Comprehensive Peace,” “Glitter is the feel-good movie of the summer,” and “Utah is beautiful.”  

RECENT PIANO PURCHASE MAKES FAMILY INTO REAL MORMONS

Even our first parents saw the piano as important

SANDY, UT—The Milton family’s recent piano purchase has finally made them into real Mormons.

Howard Milton reports that he was helping the Moore’s load the moving truck when he overheard an argument between Bruce and Julia Moore.

The conversation became rather heated, with Julia Moore insisting that moving to “Babylon” (Tacoma, Washington) without the spiritual protection of a piano would wreak long-term social and spiritual havoc on their family.

“For example,” Howard remembered, “she wouldn’t be able to teach piano lessons anymore and would probably have to find work outside the home, destroying the lives of their children and opening the door to the very real possibility of being seduced by her boss.” 

“But she was especially worried about where they’d put the family pictures,” he said.

But the fact was, there was no room for the piano in the moving van. “I just happened to be there with a hundred bucks in my wallet,” said Milton. “And Bruce promised Julia that if their family started to go downhill too fast, he’d buy her a new piano and a bonus flute.”

Sister Jan Milton is thrilled with the purchase.  “Oh, that brown upright matches my framed cross-stitch of the Proclamation perfectly,” she exclaimed. She also noted that Family Home Evening was 54 percent more spiritual this Monday and that she has been receiving much more inspiration when comparing her Book of Mormon studies with Fox News reports.

“This is what it feels like to be a real Mormon!” she squealed delightedly. She looks forward to listening to her seven children practice hymns, and is already working on a massive doily for the top of the piano.

The Moore family has not been heard from since their move.

LOCAL ELDERS QUORUM PRESIDENT FINDS LEADERSHIP INSPIRATION IN THE PRINCE

Note: This article is part of the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer’s ongoing “Out of the Best Books” series, where we look at the impact of literature and the arts on Mormon life, practice, and spirituality.

How President Hirsh pictures
himself when addressing elders

TULSA, OK—David Hirsch, Elders Quorum president in the Tulsa 3^rd ward and student at the University of Tulsa, has reportedly found tremendous leadership inspiration from his reading of Machiavelli’s The Prince.  

Hirsch (25), who encountered the text in his undergraduate World Literature course, stated that “the idea that it is better to be feared than loved has completely changed how I lead my quorum, especially how I conduct weekly priesthood interviews.”  President Hirsch continued that “we had good results before, but ever since I have started giving the monthly stewardship reports during my testimony on the first Sunday and have convinced [the elders in the quorum] that I can cancel their temple marriages, the numbers have just skyrocketed.”  

These are not the only changes that reading the Renaissance political thinker has brought about for Hirsch.  “I used to be pretty casual about things, too casual I guess,” explained Hirsch.  Hirsch elaborated that “I used to occasionally wear a colored shirt to church, sometimes just khaki pants and a tie.  But what Machiavelli said about the importance of how people perceive you has totally changed that. Now, everywhere I go I look and sound like an apostle in the priesthood session who could totally call you out on porn at any moment.”