L.ifting God's Light L.istener L.earned L.eader L.oving L.oyal to the Lord L.oved L. Tom Perry

SEALED PORTION OF BOOK OF MORMON PUBLISHED WHERE NO ONE WOULD FIND IT: ON A BYU SYLLABUS

During The Process, Davis Realized
Her Syllabus Could Have Been In Icelandic
And No Student Would Have Known the Difference

Provo, UT—Janet Davis, English professor at Brigham Young University, seems like a mild-mannered Medieval English Literature expert, but in a recent interview with the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer, Davis revealed that for the past 15 years she has been distributing sections of the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon. And why has the “mainstream Mormon press” not exploded with this news? It is because Davis has hidden those sections where no one would ever find them: in her course syllabus.

Davis told the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer that just over 15 years ago the angel Moroni visited her while she was on sabbatical in upstate New York. “This glorious personage appeared to me,” said Davis, “so of course the first thing I did was the handshake test.” Davis said that after passing the handshake test, “the angel told me that I was to translate the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon.”

What the angel told Davis next was the most troubling part of the visit. “The angel told me,” recounted Davis, “that my calling was that of Isaiah as recording in chapter 6.” Davis explained that she was told to “Go, and tell this people, Hear ye indeed, but understand not; and see ye indeed, but perceive not. Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart.”

The command to reveal but in such a way that no one would see it posed quite the vexing problem for Davis. She spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to do something so paradoxical. “The answer came suddenly one day,” explained Davis. “There I was in class, you know, toward the end of the semester, and three students came up to me with questions that were clearly answered in the syllabus. And then it hit me: no one will ever find the scripture I’ve been commanded to translate if I just put it there!” 

Davis has experimented with where to put this additional scripture in her course syllabus. “At first I sprinkled it around, you know, in case someone started to read, but then I just put huge chunks of it anywhere, since no one even pretends to look it over!” Davis said that “at this point it doesn’t matter where I put it, but if the portion is really moving or powerful or spiritually compelling, I put it in the ‘Assignments Deadlines’ section since clearly no one ever looks there.”

MOVIES REVIEWED BY RECENTLY RETURNED MISSIONARIES

NEW ENGLAND BISHOP ACCUSED OF UNDER FILLING SACRAMENT CUPS

Boston, MA—Foxboro Massachusetts Bishop Bob Trady was recently investigated over accusations that Trady had asked Aaronic priesthood members to under fill the sacrament water cups. A report of that investigation obtained by the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer indicates that Trady had texted several teachers in charge of preparing the sacrament. Texts indicated that Bishop Trady wanted the cups filled to .25 ounces below the church required minimum. The report indicated that Bishop Trady requested that the cups be filled to his liking as a way to get the sacrament portion of the meeting to go faster. The report also indicated that Trady’s stake president was only notified when visiting a family from Indianapolis contacted him. This scandal comes hot on the heels of a church investigation of an Atlanta stake president allegedly using the chapel’s speakers to pump in artificial “amens” at the end of some of his talks.

UPDATE: Bishop Trady’s 4 sacrament meeting suspension has been upheld by the Regional Representative over the case.